Trump vs The Feminist Blind Spot

 

Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – Rachel I came as soon as I got your text.  I cancelled an interview with President Obama.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.

ED – Nah, I was glad to skip it.  I’m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does.  Even I know straight women don’t find it sexy.  Plus he’s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I’m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.

RM – Breaking another barrier!

ED – Or several ribs.  So, what’s up?

RM – Well, after last night’s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong.  I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn’t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House.  Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths.  I mean, I don’t get it.

ED – You’re right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I’m a pretty close friend of Harvey’s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.

RM – Yeah, me neither.  Something doesn’t make sense.

ED – Well, what do you think can be done?  Maybe a march.  Different hats?

RM – No.  No more hats.  My look is weird enough without hat hair.

ED – Then what?

RM – I have an idea.  It’s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.

 

Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, guess who called for you.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I’m kinda busy right now for guessing games.  That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I’m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.

MT – Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.

PT – I’m very sorry.  That is something that should never happen to a woman.  I’ll have the satellites melt her down instead.

MT – No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity.  You must keep the dignity.

PT – Fine.  What did that loser want?

MT – She wants the interview.

PT – Her, interview me?

MT – Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.

PT – It must be a trick.

MT – No not the trick.  She even cried a little.  It was very sad.

PT – Alright Schmoopy, I’ll make some time for her this afternoon.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.

PT – Exactly.

 

Scene 3: Afternoon the same day, Oval Office, President Trump at his desk, Rachel Maddow seated facing.

RM – Thank you Mr. President, for your time.

PT – Right.  What do you want?

RM – As you know I am one of your harshest critics.  I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place.  I find everything about you reprehensible.

PT – Check.  What do you want?

RM – I want you to tell me how you do it.

PT – Do what?

RM – Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.

PT – You’re confused.  You’re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.

RM – Can you be more specific?

PT – Yes.  You’re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.

RM – Can you do it without insulting me?

PT – It won’t be as much fun, but I’ll try.

RM – Thanks.

PT – I’ll give you some examples of things that you’re confusing together.  If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let’s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens?  You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia.  What is his crime?

RM – Sexual harassment and misogyny.

PT – Wrong on both.  He has committed no crime.  Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment.  It’s just being a man of his generation.  And as for misogyny, that’s not a crime.  It’s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement.  And I’m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.

RM – But what does this have to do with my question?

PT – Keep listening toots and maybe you’ll get it.  Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they’re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.

RM – Proof of sexual assault.

PT – Wrong again.  Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime.  If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.

RM – But what if she doesn’t want to be mauled by you?

PT – Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn’t interested in that kind of behavior.

RM – How do we know you don’t?

PT – Because I’m smart enough to know I don’t have to and that it isn’t a good way to stay rich.  I’ve been married three times.  Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it’s going to be very expensive.

RM – Well, that’s cold-blooded but probably accurate.

PT – Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up.  Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein.  And speaking of whom, let’s conclude the list of examples with him.  And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.

RM – Attempted rape.

PT – Maybe.  But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.

RM – Well, we finally agree on something.

PT – And that’s the problem.  We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment.  You however think the other two examples are the same thing.

RM – But they are.

PT – And that’s why you can’t figure out why I don’t end up like the other two examples.  In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you.  They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat.  In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment.  In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you’re rich.  Now, granted, it’s kind of boorish, but it’s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop.  In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world.  Whether it’s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages.  Is this starting to sink in?

RM – There is some sense to it.  But it is horribly unfair.

PT – You mean like life?

RM – Yes.

PT – Welcome to the human race, kid.  It’s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise.  It’s base case.  So, now you see why you don’t understand what’s going on.  You think if something’s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it.  You’re blaming him for something that only God can fix.  And since you don’t believe in God you need someone else to blame.

RM – Hmmm.  You’ve given me some things to think about.  But one thing I don’t understand.

PT – What?

RM – How come you sound so normal and intelligent.  You’re very different in your public persona.

PT – We’re not in public.

RM – Oh.

PT – Alright Maddow, are we done?

RM – I guess so.

PT – Then get out.  I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words “huge” and “greatest” into a discussion about orange juice production.  Oh, and by the way, if you’re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn’t kill you to show a little cleavage.

RM – Pig!

PT – That’s the Maddow we love!  Now get out.

Melania vs The First 100 Days

(Monday, 6am, White House West Wing)

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy! Schmoopy!  Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, calm down, I’m right here!

PT – Schmoopy, I need your help.

MT – Of course you do Schmoopy.  What do you want.

PT – The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can’t get out of their own way.  I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me.  I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.

MT – How can I do that?  I am not the ambassador.  I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with.  How can I make them do the things you want them to do?

PT – Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks.  If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you.  They are total losers.  And don’t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.

MT – Is this the true thing?

PT – It is the true thing.

MT – Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?

PT – I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.

MT – If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?

PT – I don’t cry like a baby.  I’m just tired of all the jerks who don’t listen to me.  Well, while you’re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?

MT – Okay. Anything else?

PT – Uhhh…  Can you get them to approve the new budget?

MT – Okay.  Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list?  I am the busy woman.

PT – Sure, sure Schmoopy, I’ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away.  Basically, it’s called “The First One Hundred Day Plan.  It’s the secret of every successful presidency.  All the important things get done in the first 100 days.  After that it’s just coasting.  If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.

MT – Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House.  That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron.  I will replace it with the Where’s Waldo picture he likes.

Are you sure you can get all this done?  We only have another few weeks left.

MT – Weeks?  Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon.  I have a quick trip to Queens this morning.  I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher’s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list.  I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.

PT – Schmoopy, that would be great.  But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks.  They’re mostly jerks.

(Later that day in the House of Representatives)

MT – Attention congress guys.  I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you.  Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time.  I must get that Where’s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home.  The Hillary picture is very scary.  I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss.  Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away.  But that does not mean that you will not suffer.  Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad.  And it is good that you do as he says.  He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome.  And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely.  I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad.  And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out.  She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy’s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb.  Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it.  And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail.  Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you.  So, don’t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.

And you congress girls I want you to listen too.  Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower.  And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House.  Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies.  That way you won’t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit.  Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.

(An hour later back at the West Wing)

MT – Hello Schmoopy I am back.

PT – Schmoopy you did it!

MT – Yes, the list is done.  Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.

PT – Well that is kind of a let-down.  But don’t worry.  I forgive you.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy.  You are the good man.

The Great 100th Post Contest

100!!!

Greetings esteemed readers of OCF.  Well, we’re coming up to the 100th post and in honor of this momentous occasion I would like to use feedback from you the readers to decide what the 100th episode should be about.  Should President Trump fire Melania (No! Not Schmoopy!)?  Should Steve Bannon reveal that he actually is Satan?  Should the Donald order the Treasury to print up enough money to give every tax payer a billion dollars?  Should Trump name Deadpool as Secretary of Coolness?

You tell me.  Leave your suggestions as comments on this post and I’ll pick from the best ones.  The winner will be announced and can even personalize his story for all the interwebs to see.  So hurry, contest ends by Sunday February 19th 2017 at noon EST.

 

Sincerely

Photog

Melania vs Nasty Women

(Scene 1 – White House West Wing)

President Trump (PT):  Schmoopy, schmoopy.  Where are you?

Melania Trump (MT):  Right here schmoopy.  I was just on-line buying a new summer house in Tokyo.  I am tired of the New York.  It is smelly and ugly and the mayor is the smelly, ugly, commie pinko.  I hate the barricade and the ugly, smelly, mean people who are mean to me and our son.

PT:  Who is being mean to our son, schmoopy?  I’ll have the secret service water board him.

MT:  You cannot schmoopy.  It is a mean girl from SNL and you cannot use the torture on girls.  They’re so mean, they do not even notice it.  It’s much better to get the National Enquirer to say that she has the herpes.

PT:  Fine, I’ll go with that.  Now I need your help.

MT:  Of course schmoopy.  We must all support the Commando of Cheap.

PT:  That’s Commander in Chief.

MT:  Oh.  Well, sure, why not?

PT:  Anyway, I need help with a problem.  There are millions of American women who think I mean to do them harm.  Did you see the news clips of the women with the hats in Washington?

MT:  These are the pussy-heads?

PT:  Yes.

MT:  Oh schmoopy, there is no help for that.  If your head is up there then you cannot hear anything, believe me.  It is like the American expression, “you have the head up the butthole.”

PT:  Yes, but we must try.  I want as much support for my policies as I can possibly get.

MT:  Schmoopy, I will try.  I will talk to the hat women.  I will ask them to take their heads out of their hats and hear the words.

PT:  Thank you schmoopy.  Now I must go and save the world from Prince Charles and Al Gore.  They’re using up so much jet fuel during their celebrity protests against global warming that the strategic petroleum reserve is on EMPTY and the blinking red light is about to come on.

(Scene 2 – Podium of the Pussy Hat Rally in Central Park)

Rosie O’Donnell (RO):  Sisters, we are here to resist the evil Trump regime with every fiber of our beings.  With our hats, we form a sisterhood of solidarity.  We are stronger than any man and we will not give up until we have conquered the enemy and his evil patriarchal rule.

Joy Beyhar (JB):  Thank you Rosie, and now ladies we have a controversial speaker.  Sort of a traitor to the sisterhood.  Let’s give polite attention to Melania Trump.

RO:  Booo!  Booo!  We hate you!

JB:  Quiet Rosie.  We have no time to waste.

MT:  Thank you Joy.  You are very kind to let me speak to these crazy women.  And Rosie, have some cheesecake right away.  You must be having the low energy.

RO:  AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

MT:  Hello Nasty Women.  I am the First Lady Melania Trump.  I know that you are angry with schmoopy because he said you are ugly and talk too much and because he gave the ass-kicking to Mrs. Clinton.

Crowd:  Booo!   Boooo!

MT:  Please nasty women.  Let me speak.  You must know the truth and stop putting your heads in the pussy.  Schmoopy does not mean you the harm.  He only wants you to shut up and make the sandwich.  I heard him say so.  And he is right.  If you do these things some of you may be able to find ugly husbands and produce ugly children.  I know these things because I have friends and relatives who are also ugly and they are doing these things and producing the children.  Go back to your homes.  Bath yourselves and clean your hair.  Put on the make-up and the push up bra and you will find the ugly men, I promise you.  And do not vote for the Hillary again.  She is very bad and her husband is a very creepy man.  He stared at me at the swearing in and he was very scary.  Now go away.  You are too close to the Trump Tower and may scare Barron.  He is frightened of the ugly women.  He is not used to them.

 

(Scene 3 – White House West Wing)

MT:  Schmoopy, I’m home.

PT:  Schmoopy!  The President of NOW has given up lesbianism and married Sylvester Stallone and Rosie O’Donnell has entered rehab.  My poll number with women has gone up 30 points.  How did you do it?

MT:  I told them the true things that my mother told me when I was a beautiful little girl.  She said Melania, for every ugly pot, there is an ugly lid.  But not for you.  You are beautiful and will marry the billionaire from America.

PT:  This really is the greatest country in the world.