Trump vs The Pensive Pence

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM);  Vice President Pence – (VPP);  Attorney General Jeff Sessions – (JS);  Receptionist Patty – (RP)

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Pence!!!  Where the hell are you Pence?

(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)

PT – Patty, where the hell is Mike?

(The intercom replies)

RP – Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning.  He said, and I quote, “tell that lunatic I’m done,” unquote.

PT – What lunatic does he mean?

RP – I couldn’t say Mr. President.

PT – Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.

RP – Yes Mr. President.

(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).

PT – Mad Dog, what took you?

JM – I was caught in cross town traffic.

PT – Excuses.  Pence has cracked.  What can we do?

JM – Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here.  You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops.  But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign.  It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem.  Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain.  Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike.  I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you.  Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar.  Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points.  Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge.  But I may need some shock and awe.  See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

 

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion.  President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door.  President Trump pushes the intercom button.

PT – Hey Mike.  It’s me.  Let me in and we’ll talk.

Mike Pence’s voice answers loudly through the intercom.

VPP – Go away.  I’ve got nothing to say.  I’m going on leave.  Leave any messages with my secretary.

PT – Oh come on Mike, this is important.  Where’s your sense of decorum?

VPP – Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

PT – Mike, are you okay?

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door.  He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take.  Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees.  Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone.  You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration.  And then there’s the Mueller thing.  Which is it?  Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail?  I have had it.  I’m starting to become psychotic myself.  So just leave me alone.  I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true.  Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening.  Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI.  Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider.  But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House.  And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh.  Hmm.  You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike.  I’m not pretending that I’m normal.  I am a maniac as you said.  But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar.  You use radiation and deadly poison.  Think of me as chemotherapy.  And if I fail the patient dies.  The country dies.  So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right.  This is no country for old men.  But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up.  He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau.  That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me.  Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.

VPP – Well it’s a start.

Trump vs the Bad Boy Image

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Robert Mueller – (RM); Chuck Schumer – (CS), Melania Trump – (MT)

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.

 

PT – Mike. Mike, Mike!  Pence, where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?

PT – Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They’re through the roof.

VPP – Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.

PT – Exactly. Don’t you see what this means?  They loved the porn star thing.  I’ve got to do something to capitalize on this.

VPP – Sir, didn’t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?

PT – Relax, Holy Roller, I’m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun.  Don’t you see?  This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun.  They’re living vicariously through me.  Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can’t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better.  So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.

VPP – And you don’t see how this can go wrong?

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Very well, I’ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.

PT – That’s the spirit little guy. Well, I’m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.

VPP – God speed Mr. President, God speed.

 

Scene 2 – Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; “Trump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,” “Trump teepees Jerry Brown’s Earth Day Observance,” Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,” “Trump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.”

 

Scene 3 – Inside Chuck Schumer’s Senate Minority Leader’s Office – Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.

 

CS – I tell you Mueller you’ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren’t already completely incoherent.

RM – Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason.   Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won’t do it because they’re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.

CS – Well, I simply can’t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it’s too much.

RM – Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I’ll do what I can.

CS – (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.

 

Scene 4 – White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.

 

PT – Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff.  Look  (holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, now really!

PT – Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.

VPP – But where will this all end, sir?

PT – Who cares? I’m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl’s locker room.  And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau’s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.

(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)

PT – Trump here, go!

MT – (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?

PT – Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!

MT – No Schmoopey, I don’t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault.  I mean why have you been mean to the other children?  Crying Chuck’s Mom was over and she was very sad.  She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop.  And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.

PT – Schmoopey, you don’t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive.  It’s kill or be killed.

MT – Well if you’re not going to play nice with the other kids then you’re not getting a story tonight.

PT – Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don’t think Cryin’ Chuck does bad stuff?  And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill?  Why don’t they get in trouble?

MT – Because they’re not my Schmoopey and they don’t get the best stories in the world.

PT – Fine I’ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again.  And the democrats will win the mid-terms.

MT – No they won’t. You are the best President Schmoopey.  You know you will win anyway.  Just play nice.

PT – Okay fine. Now that you’ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?

MT – Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.

VPP – That’s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.

MT – Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).

PT – Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board.  How about we just abolish the IRS?

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 3)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT), Vice President Pence – (VPP), Melania Trump – (MT), Jay Leno – (JL)

Scene 1 – Air Force One – Midway between Washington and Los Angeles.  President Trump and Vice President Pence.  Thursday 2pm EDT.

PT – Mike, it’s go time.  The First Lady has left the White House and the Secret Service says she’s going to see a divorce attorney and a really good one too.

VPP – Mr. President, I don’t see what you can do now.  You’ll just have to let events take their course.

PT – No mike, no.  I must win her back.  It would be a crushing blow for the country if I was humiliated in this way.

VPP – Really!  That’s what you’re worried about?

PT – Of course, my oath of office is a sacred duty.  Surely you understand this.

VPP – Ahhh.  Okay sure.  Look Mr. President, my advice doesn’t seem to be working for you.

PT – That’s true Mike.  So far, you’re batting zero.  But you’re very holy and I think you can pull something out of the air for me.  What do you know about holy forgiveness stuff.

VPP – Well, I remember from theology class that in the Middle Ages Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV knelt in the snow for three days to get forgiveness from Pope Gregory VII.

PT – Did it work.

VPP – Yes, it did.

PT – But Melania’s not the Pope.  She’s a million times hotter looking than the Pope.  And that’s not a homophobic thing either, it’s just obvious.  So, I don’t think the snow thing is the right angle.  But I can work with this.  That’s it.  I’ll do an Emperor Henry a la Trump.

VPP – I’m sort of afraid to ask how that would look.

PT – Don’t worry.  I’ve got this whole thing scoped out.  What I need you to do is get the Secret Service to locate these individuals and bring them to Las Vegas.

VPP – Wouldn’t that be kidnapping.

PT – Nonsense they’re all patriotic Americans and will do anything they can to save the country from crippling depression.

VPP – Actually I think these two are Britons.

PT – Close enough.

 

Scene 2 – Same Day 8pm PDT – Las Vegas, Nevada – Main concert hall of the Trump Casino. The stage is filled with television camera equipment and set up as a bad imitation of the old Jay Leno Tonight Show stage.  Sitting in his usual position is Jay Leno (noticeably dressed for auto maintenance) and opposite him on the couch is President Trump in a late 1970s powder blue disco outfit with platform heels and a very large orange afro wig.

JL – And we’re back?  Mr. President, I seem to have been kidnapped by the Secret Service.  Could you please fill me in on why exactly that is?

PT – Jay, that is completely fake news.  You have been enlisted in a very important cause.  We live in a very polarized country and only you Jay Leno have the moral authority necessary to broker an honest deal for me.

JL – Well that’s extremely flattering Mr. President but I’m just a comedian.  I wouldn’t know how to bring the American and North Korean peoples together on the road to peace.  That’s for ambassadors and statesmen.

PT – What are you talking about?  I need you to help me apologize to Mrs. Trump for the porn sex thing.

JL – Oh, sure, sure.  I’ve been in Hollywood and Las Vegas for decades.  That stuff is old hat.

PT – Don’t fool yourself Jay.  At heart Melania is an old-fashioned girl.  She’s gonna need something special to be won back.  I’m pulling out all the stops and I’ll need you on your A-Game.

JL – You can depend on me Mr. President.  True love is the greatest force in the world, I think.  Either that or nitro afterburners.  They’re powerful too.

PT – Focus Jay.  I’m about to perform a miracle not seen since the 11th century, an Emperor Henry.  Just read the cue cards I’ve provided and I’ll do the rest.

JL – And welcome back to this special broadcast of the Jay Leno show coming live to you from beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.  Apparently, I’m your host tonight Jay Leno and we’ll be talking to President Trump about some pretty important but personal matters.

PT – That’s right Jay.  I, your President, am able to handle any number of impossible tasks flawlessly and simultaneously all while battling the fake news networks and the treasonous actions of the Deep State and the evil Democrats.  But even a man as amazing and wonderful as me sometimes makes a small error.  Now I won’t go into details because they are only important to one person, the First Lady, but because I need this message to reach her wherever she is I’ve activated the Emergency Broadcast Service to pre-empt all other television and reach out to her.

JL – That’s truly frightening Mr. President.

PT – Shut up Jay and read your cards.

JL – Sorry.  So, Mr. President, is there any significance to your outfit?

PT – Yes Jay.  This outfit represents the garb we wore back in 1977.  That is the time when the top song in the country was “Baby Come Back” by Player.  And I’ve assembled the surviving band members and reunited them here to play their classic hit for Mrs. Trump.  And I know once she hears the lyrics and sees my Emperor Henry she’ll realize how important for the country her forgiveness is.

JL – You know, that almost makes sense.

PT – Shut up Jay and introduce the band.

JL – Sorry.  And now coming to you direct from a triumphal comeback tour of Princess Cruise Lines Caribbean Delight Program, here they are “Player.”

(several fairly geriatric musicians begin to play a subdued version of Baby Come Back while President Trump adds his own stylings and some disco moves).

Spending all my nights

All my money going out on the town

 

PT – And that’s a lot of money all right.

 

Doing anything just to get you off of my mind

But when the morning comes

I’m right back where I started again

Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

 

PT – That’s right Schmoopey, you can blame it all on me.  I’m strong and can take it.

 

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado

Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear

But as the sun goes down

I get that empty feeling again

How I wish to God that you were here

 

PT – That’s right God wants us back together and he knows best.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

Now that I put it all together

Give me the chance to make you see

Have you used up all the love in your heart

Nothing left for me

Ain’t there nothing left for me

 

PT – Very, very little left for me.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, listen, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

I was wrong, and I just can’t live

 

PT – Wrong, very wrong, just can’t live without you Schmoopey.

 

(President Trump returns to the couch as the song ends)

JL – Well I’ll have to say Mr. President, I’ve never seen or heard anything like that in my life.

PT – Yes Jay, love conquers all.

(the phone rings and the First Lady’s voice is heard over a speaker).

MT – Schmoopey, I saw your song and dance.  I know it was from your heart.  Nothing else could explain it.  I feel my love returning.

PT – Schmoopey, I am so happy.  Is all forgiven?

MT – It will be when you send me the Hope Diamond and a picture of the ‘ho with two black eyes.

PT – Done and done.  I’ll have my jeweler and the Secret Service get to work on both those items within the hour.

(the phone call and the television broadcast both finish)

JL – Well Mr. President, that was actually quite impressive.  I guess there isn’t anything that the power of the US government can’t do.

PT – Not really.  I was originally trying to get Elton John to sing “Sorry Seems to Be the Saddest Word,” but he refused.  He was still mad about a crack I made about his hair.

JL – You made a joke about his hair?

PT – Shut up Jay.

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1: Trump Tower, Executive Suite.  Monday 1pm.  President Trump and Vice President Pence face to face around a small round office table.  The table is littered with coffee cups and crumpled legal paper.

PT – Also no good?  Alright, how about this one?  Ten years ago, Putin knew that I was destined to be President.  So, in order to destroy me he drugged me with Spanish fly and brainwashed me into sleeping with Stormy Daniels.  It makes sense, right?  It’s some form of Russian collusion and in a way my brain which is like a computer was hacked by Putin.

VPP – Stop!  Enough!  I’m sorry Mr. President but that’s enough.  I can’t listen to even one more of these insane lies.  I know you’re desperate but there isn’t one chance in a trillion that anyone, and I mean anyone would believe any of those stories.

PT – But then what can I do?

VPP – I know it’s a little late in the game but have you thought of the truth and an apology?

PT – Mike, that’s a brilliant idea.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Anyway, I’m going home right now and put your brilliant strategy into effect.  Who knows?  If this goes well I might even start telling the truth to Congress.

VPP – Mr. President, please take some time before you speak to her and try to understand her feelings about what you will be telling her.  This will be a devastating conversation and you must be sensitive to her emotions and let her sense your sadness and contrition.

PT- Look Mike you came up with a good idea but don’t get all Dr. Phil on me.  I think I know a thing or two about the ladies if you know what I mean.  I’ll pour on the Trump charm and prove just how large my hands really are if you catch my drift.  See ya Mike.  (exits the room.)

VPP – Great Caesar’s Ghost.  She’s going to murder him.

 

Scene 2 – Tuesday morning 3am outside the Vice Presidential Residence.  Two men supporting a third man between them.  The third man shakily ringing the doorbell.

VPP – (voice speaking over the intercom)  Is that you Mr. President?

PT – Help me Mike.  Please help me.

VPP – I’m buzzing you in. (the lock buzzes open).

 

Scene 3 – The Vice-Presidential Parlor.  President Trump is slumped back on a chaise longue.  He has several small bandages over cuts on his face, a noticeable black eye and a bag of ice sitting on his groin.  The Secret Service agents appear embarrassed and Vice President Pence is standing nervously fiddling with his robe belt looking down on the President.

PT – You set me up Mike.  I went into the lion’s den like some kind of roman martyr.  I told her the truth and told her Stormy was over-rated as far as the sex went and that I’d make it up to her in the sack and that she didn’t look bad at all for her age.

VPP – Oh good grief.

PT – You have no idea.  She went for the family jewels again so I curled up in a fetal position like they tell you to do with bears.  But she was ready for that.  She worked the face and and kidneys.  She must have studied MMA or jiu-jitsu at some point.  It took six Secret Service agents to get me out of there alive and two of them are at Walter Reed.  One of them probably isn’t going to pull through.

VPP – Mr. President, I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

PT – Have you ever known me to exaggerate?

VPP – Never mind.  How would you like me to help you?

PT – Well after that lousy advice I need you to redeem yourself and come up with an idea to fix this mess you’ve gotten me into.

VPP – (some strangled muffled sounds come from the Vice President’s throat and then there is quiet).  Certainly Mr. President.  I’ll attempt to provide you with better advice.  Is there anything else I can do for you this morning?

PT – Yeah Mike.  Can you get Mrs. Pence to make us some more eggs?  This experience has been extremely taxing.

(more strangled sounds come from Pence and he leaves).

PT – He’s a great guy when he’s on his game.  Alright guys help me into the dining room.

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence (VPP);

Scene 1 – Front Entrance to the Vice-Presidential Residence Monday, 3 am.  Three figures standing in the shadows.  The middle figure rings the door-bell.

VPP – (His loud, angry voice coming out of the front door intercom) – Who’s ringing this bell at this hour.  I’ll have the Secret Service down there to arrest you, you crazy fool.

PT – (The middle figure now whispering into the intercom) – Shhhhh Mike!  It’s me and I’m here with the Secret Service.  Now let us in!

Scene 2 – Immediately afterward in the front foyer of the VP Residence.  President Trump and Vice President Pence facing each other with four Secret Service Agent forming a perimeter around them.  Both VPP and PT are in pajamas and robes.

VPP – Mr. President, has there been an attack or a disaster.

PT – Both.  Mrs. Trump watched the Stormy Daniels show on tv and attacked me.  It was a disaster.

VPP – But why are you here at this unnatural hour.

PT – Well I couldn’t stay there.  She keeps taking shots at the family jewels.  That body armor I’m wearing doesn’t do a damn thing for groin shots.

VPP – But what can I do about that?

PT – Mike I need to use your guest bedroom for a while.  And I need you help.  She’s really mad!

VPP – Mr President, it’s just that Mrs. Pence is not one of your bigger fans.  She thinks you’re a bad influence.

PT – Boy, that seems judgmental.  I mean, I never said anything bad about her.  Well I can be the bigger man.  But look Mike, you owe me this.  If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be the second most powerful man in the world.  You’d still be the governor of Oklahoma.

VPP – Indiana.  For Pete’s sake I was the governor of Indiana.

PT – Indiana, right, right that’s right.  Sorry, yes.  But come on Mike, you gotta help me out.  I need some time to figure out a plan.  Maybe a present or a vacation.  Something to give her a chance to cool down.

VPP – Alright Mr. President.  Come on in.  The Secret Service will set you up in the guest room.  I’ll see you at breakfast.  Good night.

PT – Thanks Mike.  I’ll never forget you for this.  Good night.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence Dining Room, 9 am, same personnel.

PT –  Boy, Mike, the eggs are pretty crummy here.

VPP – I don’t know Mr. President, I’ve always thought MY WIFE makes a very nice breakfast!  And by the way, my wife is still talking to me.  If you get my meaning.

PT – That’s what I said.  These eggs are really YUMMY!  That’s right I said yummy.

VPP – That’s what I hoped you said.

PT – And what a lovely woman Mrs. Pence is.  I’ve always thought she was the best.  Yes sir, I did.

VPP – Thank you sir.  Now what is your plan?

PT – Well, I tossed and turned all night and came up with three different plans.  I’ll present them and you tell me which one sounds best.

VPP – Very good sir.

PT – Okay.  So my first idea is amnesia.

VPP – Amnesia?

PT – Amnesia, yeah.

VPP – But how?

PT – Whaddya mean?

VPP – Well how did you get amnesia and how did it end up causing you to have sex with a porn actress?

PT – Well, it could have happened in any number of ways.  Do I have to spell it out for you?

VPP – I don’t think it’s me you’re going to have to spell it out to.  But if you really propose using an amnesia defense I think there better be more than just the word amnesia.

PT – Fine.  Ahhhhhh, so something like this.  I was walking down Park Avenue near Trump Tower when a small child came out of nowhere and ran into traffic.  I hurtled over pedestrians and snatched up the infant out of the street just as a taxi was streaking by.  I leaped back to curb and deposited the newborn in its mother’s arms.  But by a horrible stroke of bad luck a brick broke loose from the building façade and struck me on the head.  My thick vibrant head of hair blunted the death blow but I was rendered amnesiac.  I forgot that I was currently married and just at that moment a passing bus with a Victoria’s Secret ad caught my eye.  And the rest was fate.

VPP – Vibrant?

PT – Too much detail?

To Be Continued

 

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs The FBI

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)

 

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;

 

PT – Mike.  Mike!  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

(Mike Pence rushes through door.)

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake!  I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.  Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike.  Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.  You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that.  Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well.  He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike!  But don’t get any ideas about succession plans.  I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want?  I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good.  I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound.  Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up.  All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.  You know the one.  The one with the old table and chairs.  The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.  I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.  Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike!  Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show.  Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.  And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.  You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus!  We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.  You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.  We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way.  But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.  I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind.  Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene.  President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.  Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.  He is so sad.  I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.  I thought he was very happy.  I didn’t say anything.  He must just be nervous or something.  You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.  That was very sad.  And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.  You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.  It is too sad.

PT – But wait, no, that wasn’t true.  Lyin’ Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin’ Chuck was lying.  Statues don’t cry.

MT – Yes, they do.  In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.

PT – Yes, but that was a miracle.  Cryin’ Chuck isn’t a saint.  He’s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.  You shouldn’t believe him.

MT – Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.  You must fix this right away.  Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.

PT – But I don’t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.  Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.  I am a very stable genius you know.

MT – Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby’s for some good roast beef.  Please, please!

PT – Maybe you’re right Schmoopy, I’ll talk to him.  He is a good friend.

 

Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.  Tuesday 8pm

(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)

KP – Here’s your PBR dear.

VPP – Thanks hon.  You wouldn’t believe what that maniac said today.

KP – Oh Mike, let’s not talk about work tonight.  It’ll only upset you.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.  Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.  Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.  You know the ones I mean.  And I wanted to Sipowicz him.  That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around.  But that was wrong.  Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing.  Vice President Pence knew this and said so.  But it ticked me off.  And I said some not so nice things to him.  The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.  What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.  Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.  It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.  So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.  Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point.  The main thing is I was mean to a friend.  Mike Pence is a good guy.  He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.  He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat.  He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back.  He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog.  So Mike I’m sorry.  Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.  We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat.  Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice.  He said he was sorry.  I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.  I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

KP – Yes dear.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1

Scene1: White House West Wing, 8am, President Trump (PT) calling for Vice President Pence (VPP)

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Mike!!!  Where the hell are you Pence.

VPP –  Right here Mr. President.  I was on the phone with Ryan and McConnell.  They wanted a copy of your speech to help coordinate the standing ovations.

PT – Tell’em to forget about that bull.  I don’t want them cheering.  Tell them to keep their seats and keep quiet.

VPP – Oh no.  What are you planning Mr. President?

PT – I plan on using the speech to wake some people up and put some rats on notice.

VPP – Sir, the State of the Union speech is intended to report to the people on where we are as a nation.

PT – Well Mike, despite the fact that the economy is starting to come to life do you really think there is any reason for standing ovations?  I’m going to tell them the truth.  I’m going to talk about the FBI and the Justice Department and how they’re being run like the KGB with crooked operations targeting Americans because of who they are and not what they’ve done.  I’m gonna talk about Lisa Page and Peter Strzok.  America will love what the FBI is up to on their dime.  I’m gonna talk about McCabe and Mueller and Comey and the “Secret Society” they cooked up against me.  I’m gonna make their hair curl.

VPP – Oh good grief.  Mr. President, I’m asking you to reconsider.  You’re going to scare the American people.  We have the midterms coming up and we can’t have the electorate thinking of us as the crazy party.

PT – Look Pence, you’re gonna have to man up or I’ll have to say you have the flu and couldn’t come.  Besides this is gonna be great.  The people are gonna get this 100%.  You’ve gotta remember they’re used to seeing bureaucrats shake down citizens.  They’ll rally to me when I give them the details of the plot.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’ll do my best to keep on my game face.

PT – That’s the stuff.  Besides once Cryin’ Chuck begins weeping you won’t be able to stop laughing.  It’s that funny.  Anyway, get Sessions down here.  I was thinking that it might be fun to have the Secret Society rounded up and perp walked right during the middle of the State of the Union address.  I want to see if he can arrange that on queue from me at the podium.  Do you think it would be undignified if I had the Marine Corp Band play “Nananana Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” by Steam during their exit?

VPP – No sir, not for you.  In fact, now that I’ve heard about it, I guess even I’d be disappointed if you didn’t play it.  But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, what about that Linda Rondstadt song that goes “You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good, I’m gonna say it again!”

PT – No you’re not gonna say it again.  No I prefer Steam.  It’s a classic.

VPP – As you wish sir.

PT – Exactly.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs 2018

Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.

How Do You Clone Donald Trump?

Back in the Paleolithic era, say 1988, when George H.W. Bush was the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan, much was made of how during his apprenticeship under the Gipper that Bush had shed all of his Rockefeller Republican leanings.  He famously decried Michael Dukakis’s membership in the ACLU and his links with the Liberal Boutique Ideologies of Cambridge.  And of course, there was his full-throated exhortation to read his lips, “NO NEW TAXES!!!”  Well, we know how that turned out.  George’s New World Order, tax increases and NAFTA initiatives gave rise to Ross Perot which in turn gave rise to Bill Clinton.  And we know how well that worked out for us.

Fast forward, let’s say to 2024.  We are entering the victory lap of the God-Emperor’s reign here on earth.  All’s right with the world.  The new republicans have a supermajority in the Senate and House, Unemployment stands at negative 1%.  Transgenderism has been proven to be a curable mental condition, women are leaving the work force in droves to return to the home to raise kids and regain their sanity.  The Clintons and the Obamas have all been assigned multi-decade jail sentences that none are predicted to outlive.  It’s the best of all possible worlds.

But now the successor to the God-Emperor must be selected.  And while everyone agrees that Mike Pence is a heck of a nice guy, everybody remembers how he backed down when George Stephanopoulos questioned him about the Defense of Faith act he signed into law in Indiana.  Is this the Bush scenario being replayed?  Are we about to see another Bill Clinton moment?

Now, this may be a slight exaggeration.  Mike Pence is not a Bush.  He is an actual conservative.  But also, he’s no Trump.  So, a better formulation of this question is how do you end up with another Trump?  Having a combative, unabashed alpha male at the head of the right wing has been a genuine pleasure.  Starting from a position of strength has proven to be an unalloyed advantage.  Not having to cede territory to our opponents in the Democrat party or the Media every time they throw up a smoke screen about race or gender has meant that we can actually gain ground on many different initiatives.  All in all, it’s just unacceptable to imagine us going back to a dweeby loser for Commander in Chief.  We want General George Patton in charge not Pee Wee Herman.

And then it hit me.  Let Trump choose his successor.  Now sure, he picked Mike Pence for running mate but he was choosing from the small subset of republican political figures.  And selection time was short.  Neither of these factors is currently important.  So, he can cast a wider net this time.  And he has time.  At least a few years.  So, what I thought up was a reboot of the Apprentice.  Let Donald Trump use his own intuition and methods to sort through all the candidates in America to find another him.  And since he’s done it before for something lesser he can apply this experience to doing a better job for the more important version.  And he should have it televised.  And the home audience should get to give feedback.  But only registered Republicans who donate money to the party.  The ratings would be through the roof.  And Mike Pence should definitely be in the running.  I mean, he’s not such a bad guy and maybe he actually has learned more than a Bush.

Trump vs Photog – Part 3 – WTF

 

Scene 1: West Wing of the White House, Monday at 7 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Bannon. Bannon!  Where the hell are you Steve?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, please stop shouting.  You fired Steve Bannon a few weeks ago.

PT – I did?  What the hell was I drinking?

VPP – I believe you were cold sober sir.

PT – This is awful.  I’m negotiating tax and policy priorities with Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Crypt Keeper Pelosi.  And I don’t have anyone with the cajones to warn me when I’m being played.

VPP – Well, Mr. President I’ve always tried to give you good advice on policy.

PT – Nothing personal Mike, but you’d bring a slingshot to a gunfight and I need someone who’d tell me to bring an RPG.

VPP – Well I don’t think Steve is in the mood to help right now.

PT – Then get me someone who is outside the Washington circle.  I need a man of the deplorables.

VPP – Are you looking for the lunatic fringe?

PT – No, someone without the tattoos and MRE stockpile.  Or at least with a minimum of either.

VPP – Well how about that guy with the blog.  What was it camera guy at Big Dipper something?

PT – You talking about photog at orionscoldfire.com?

VPP – Yeah, that guy.

PT – I threw him out last time.  He always ends up pissing me off.  But you know, his advice is usually pretty good.  And he was from Brooklyn in the day.  Alright get him down here.  And hurry, Schumer is trying to get me to put in transgender bathrooms in the West Wing.

 

Scene 2 :  West Wing, outside the Oval Office  Tuesday 10 a.m., photog is knocking tentatively on the door, while a marine eyes him suspiciously

PT – Come in photog, and close the door behind you.

Photog (PHT) – Good morning Mr. President.

PT – Sit down and have a pastry.  I have them flown in from an Italian Bakery in Queens.  They’re the best.

PHT – Thank you sir but I’m not hungry.

PT – Don’t be such a stiff.  You’re an Italian.  You know nothing important gets decided unless bread is broken.  Have a sfogliatella.

PHT – Sure, thanks.

PT – And have some coffee.  It’s the best in the world.  I have it cold brewed fresh every day.

PHT – Thanks I will.

PT – Alright, now that I’ve put you at ease, I need you to give me some information and maybe advice.

PHT – What do you want to know?

PT – What are the real people thinking?

PHT – Mr. President, they’re confused and worried.  They’re seeing how useless the republicans in Congress are and they don’t know if you can make them do the right thing.  Ryan and McConnell are either useless or working against you.  McCain is actively siding with the Democrats and you’re mending fences with Chuck and Nancy.  Plus the White House seems to be pushing for amnesty for illegal aliens and now you even seem to be reneging on the Paris Accord decision.  A lot of people think you’ve lost your nerve or are being blackmailed by Mueller.

PT – What about you?  Is that what you think?

PHT – I was willing to wait until you actually committed on some of these things.  But it does seem like things are getting a bit confusing.

PT – Boy, I gotta say.  You people are a bunch of rabbits.  You can’t win a negotiation if you don’t even get the other side to come to the table.  Don’t you think I know how the optics look when you’re courting the victim, I mean partner?  You’ve got to speak their language a little to loosen things up.  It’s not like I’m gonna let Cryin’ Chuck get what he wants.  I just want him to think he got the best deal he could.

PHT – Well, I sure hope you’re right. I’d hate to go into the mid-terms without the country feeling like you can get the country moving in the right direction on immigration.  After all you said there was gonna be a wall and so far there isn’t.

PT – Look I’m working all the angles and I’ll have a policy in place that will satisfy the anti-immigration agenda.  But it’s going to take time.  What I need to know is what can I do short-term to keep the natives from getting restless?

PHT – I’d say the best thing you can do is stomp on all of George Soros’s zombies.  Go after Antifa and BLM and Sanctuary Cities with everything you’ve got.  Make’em squeal and get their leaders in jail where they belong.

PT – That’s pretty strong medicine.  It’s gonna be tough to get the FBI and the DOJ to work with me on that.

PHT – Well. You asked me what would get you some street cred with your voters.  That’s what it’ll take.

PT – You know it’s funny.  You never have any good news for me.  Only lousy jobs to do.  Why is that.

PHT – Because you say you want to be the greatest president.  That means you have to save the United States from the cancer that’s been allowed to metastasize throughout the country for a century.  Chemotherapy isn’t fun and no one smiles at the doctor when he starts the infusion.

PT – Man, are you grim.  Look, thanks for the information.  But do me a favor.  Before you come back here next time, make sure you’re on your meds.  Your brand of industrial strength pessimism is too much for even my self-confidence.

PHT – Well Mr. President, you know, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”

PT – Okay, Nostradamus, you’re done.  Don’t let the Oval Office door hit you in the butt on the way out.  And don’t call us, we’ll call you, maybe.

PHT – Goodbye Mr. President.