Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

 

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Wednesday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, with Vice President Pence in a chair facing him)

VPP – So let me see if I understand this Mr. President, you want me to advocate for today’s feminist, godless, sex-obsessed women to forsake their materialistic and anti-traditionalist ways and embrace modesty, chastity before marriage, motherhood and deference to their husbands.

PT – Well sure, if you say it like that it sounds like a snooze.  But if we put the Mad Men to work on this we can make it sexy as hell and they’ll be breakin’ down the doors to sign on.  Remember, young people are idiots.  Think of the incredibly stupid things they buy into.  You can convince them that a guy in a dress is a woman and that Obama is smart.  So if you give them something that actually works and just convince them that it’s edgy and original you could stampede them to the altar in a mob.

VPP – Don’t you think it’s dangerous to manipulate people about something as serious and vital as marriage?

PT – Look, we’re not trying to scam anyone, it’s your job to get the sequence and the motivation all straight.  Make sure they wake up from the millennial malaise they’ve been immersed in and commit to something that gives meaning to their muddled existences.  It’s up to me to make the sales pitch compelling and hook them.

VPP – Well I sort of see what you mean sir, but there are other considerations that could make all this moot.  For instance, nowadays it takes two incomes to survive and where does that leave our happy couple who want to raise a family?

PT – Way ahead of you.  That’s part of the bait I’m putting on the hook.  I’m going to propose that the federal government will rig the tax structure to provide married couples that want a stay at home mom to raise their kids with a matching credit to match the husband’s salary.  And this credit will continue until the kids are eighteen or even twenty-two if they take a useful college or vocational program.

VPP – But that will cost trillions!

PT – Yep.  But we’ll be couple it with the end of welfare.  No more single women raising children on welfare.  Any man who fathers a child will pay for it and unless he’s in prison he’s going to live with his family.  And with the women staying home with the kids men will be in demand again in the job market.  Salaries will rise and eventually we won’t even need to tilt the tax code very much.

VPP – You’ve thought this through I can see but I must confess I can’t imagine how you’ll make old fashioned marriage sound good to millennials.

PT – Actually, I’m gonna let Ivanka and Melania do most of the work on recruiting these young idiots.  And all you really have to do is convince the girls.  The boys will follow them like moths to a flame.  I was thinking of something along the lines of Momma Melania’s Match Making Service.

VPP – Have you spoken to the First Lady about this idea?

PT – Not yet, but how could she refuse to save her country from childless collapse.  In fact I’ll call her now.  (gets up from the desk, walks to and opens the door and starts shouting into the corridor)  Schmoopey, Schmoopey.  Schmoopeyyyyy!!!!

MT – (entering from the hallway)  Schmoopey stop shouting.  The picture of the Obama fell off the wall.

PT – I need your help.  We must save American womanhood from barren, childless loneliness.

MT – Oh no you do not.  You are staying right here.  No more Stormy the pornos for you or I will make you very, very sorry and the Secret Service will be too, too late to save some of you.

PT – No, no Schmoopey, I need you to teach the young women of America how to be good wives and mothers.

MT – Oh, this I can do Schmoopey.  I am full of the mother stuff.  I will teach them about make-up and shopping and finding a good maid.  I will need to freshen up my wardrobe to do this right.  Maybe three million dollars?

VPP – Just like Martha Washington.

To Be Continued …

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)

PT – Mike   …   Mike   ….   MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Pence, what the hell?  Am I in this alone?

VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”)  No sir, here I am front and center.

PT – Okay, whatever.  Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.

VPP – Certainly.  What can I do?

PT – So you’re from Idaho.

VPP – Indiana.

PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.

VPP – Uh, where is this going?

PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.  Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.”  So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there.  First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad.  And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.  I mean I think they’re onto something there!  Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.

VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.

PT – I don’t mean the show.  I want to know how this works in real life.

VPP – but it isn’t real life.  It’s a work of fiction.

PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?

VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.

PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up?  I mean come on!  Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about?  Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?

VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

PT – See, that’s your problem.  You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say.  You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.

VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.

PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies.  But what if it’s brightened up?  You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.

VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.

PT – Times may change but people don’t.  The things that made people happy back then still do.  It’s all how you sell it.

VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?

PT – Of course not.  They know I’m not Ward Cleaver.  They think I’m Caligula.  But you actually are Ward Cleaver.  For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman.  You’re the guy they think should be running the country.  We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.

VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.

PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?

VPP – Indiana!  Yes, I do. ……… You’re right.  What can we do?

PT – Relax.  By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.  By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.  And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.  But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.  I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.  And that’s what I need your help with.  This is definitely one of those heartland things.  We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.  You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing.  We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.

VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.

PT – Don’t be so shocked.  So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.

VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.

PT – Yeah, I do!

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Link above to first episode

 

 

Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down.  It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse.  Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey?  Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald.  You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week.  And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures.  And he has a yellow highlighter.  And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting?  You’re right.  This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike.  Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me.  The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day  10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike.  I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) …  In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress.  It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh.  When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me!  Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones.  Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest?  I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it.  I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller?  Fair and honest? ………..   Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon.  We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout.  Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that.  Yeah, well, I changed my mind.  Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts.  But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great.  But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party.  It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door.  Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear.  You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair.  The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera.  Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat!  I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do.  I’ll shred you with my bare hands.  Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I?  Hey untie me you boobs.  I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate.  Two trillion dollars?  He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way.  Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh.  It all worked out fine.  Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike.  But, by the way, I remember everything you said.  Numbskull?  That’s gonna cost you Mike.

VPP – I meant Schmoopey?

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 5pm Monday; Oval Office

(President Trump seated behind his desk and Vice President Pence standing nervously in front of him)

PT – I tell you Mike, this Kavanaugh guy is a stiff.  Those democrat hyenas are howling around him just waiting for the kill.  He just sits there writing down all the gibberish they spout.  I’ve got to do something.

VPP – Mr. President, what can you possibly do?  I mean other than give him advice.  It’s not like you can go out there for him.

PT – Mike, that’s genius.  Get me the advanced weapons lab at MIT on the phone and tell that sad sack Kavanaugh to meet me in the White House basement tonight at 11 pm.  This is gonna be great.

VPP – I need a new job.

Scene 2 – White House Nuclear Survival Bunker, 11 pm that night.

(Judge Kavanaugh entering through blast door sees President Trump sitting in a chair with electrodes attached to his temples and wrists.  An empty chair is to his right and a technician is checking on the wires and reading an instrument panel.)

BK – Mr. President, you asked me to come.  But I’ve goyour blood pressure by t a very long week coming up.  Can this wait?

PT – Judge Kavanaugh, this can’t wait.  I’ve called you here to help you get through these hearings.  Brett, how would you say the hearings are going?

BK – Honestly, Mr. President, I’m extremely upset.  The senators are acting extremely unprofessionally and I might add unfairly.  I came very close today to gasping when Senator Blumenthal said you nominated me to help protect you from prosecution.

PT – Gasp?  Why didn’t you laugh in his face?

BK – That would be unseemly.  It would give them the moral high ground.

PT – Brett, look, you’re blowing it.  The sharks are circling.  They smell blood.  If you want to keep from being borked something has to be done and right away.

BK – But what?

PT – Fortunately science has found a way.  Do you remember those experiments they used to do where you could affect your blood pressure by watching a chart of it and trying to change it?  Biofeedback they called it.

BK – Sort of.  Why?

PT – Well these poindexters around us have a similar system where you can see the charts of your emotional output and mine superimposed and by watching it you can learn to copy my techniques.  By doing this you’ll master my art of zapping weasels.  It’s just that easy.

BK – It sounds insane!

PT – Please Brett, trust me.  It won’t take long and before you know it you’ll be so confident that you can even sleep late tomorrow and have these coyotes cowed by lunchtime.  You’ll probably be approved by Thursday.

BK – Well it would be a great relief to stop them from yelling at me so much.  What do I have to do?

PT – Just sit down in the other chair and let them attach the electrodes and restraints.

BK – Restraints?  Why restraints?

PT – That’s so you don’t move during the procedure.  It throws off the calibration.

BK – But why aren’t you restrained?

PT – Oh, I’ve done this so many times before I’m immune.

BK – Oh.  Okay.

(technicians apply the electrodes to Kavanaugh’s head and arms and then strap him tightly around the chest, arms and legs.)

PT – Okay, any last words?

BK – Whaaat?

PT – Just kidding.  Hit the switch!

( On the signal, sparks shoot from the electrodes and arc across the faces of the President and Judge.  Both are locked in grimaces from the current.  Several seconds later the current cuts off and the two men slump in their chairs)

To Be Continued.

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs Twitter Ban

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT);   Melania Trump – (MT);    Vice President Pence – (VPP);    Mad Dog Mattis – (MDM);    Rachel Maddow – (RM);   Kim Jong Un – (KJU);   Russian President Vladimir Putin – (RVP);  Rosie O’Donnell – (ROD);  George Will – (GW);  Warning Announcer – (WA)

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; 8am Friday; First Family living quarters

PT – Schmoopey!  Schmoopey!  Schmoopey where are you?  I need your help more than ever before.

MT – I’m right here Schmoopey, do not despair.

PT – Schmoopey, this is a national emergency, Twitter has banned me.

MT – Schmoopey, is this indeed an emergency?  Twitter seems to me to be not an emergency.

PT – Of course it is.  Without my twitter feed how will I get out the truth?  The failed New York Times and fake news networks will lie unopposed and Americans will fall into panic.

MT – This is true.  How can I help you in the saving of the nation.

PT – I need an idea to force them to restore my Twitter account.

MT – But you are the great leader.  They must obey or you will crush them like ants under your giant feet.

PT – Sadly, that is not how it works.  Apparently, the US government is not allowed to assassinate US citizens except if a Democrat is President.

MT – Too bad.  That would be convenient.

PT – You’re telling me.

MT – Yes, I am telling you.

PT – (sighs heavily) … Anyway, I can’t do that so I need a good idea to fix this.

MT – You must speak to the very wise men of government. President Vice Mike and the Mad Dog.

PT – You’re right again Schmoopey, those guys have been sleeping on the job long enough.  I’ll put a fire under them and get something useful out of them for a change.  After all I can’t do everything all alone.  And I’ll get Putin and Kim Jong Un working on this too.

MT – Get them, get them.  Make them fix this.  Go Schmoopey, you are truly wonderful, Mr. Leader.

Scene 2; White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area; Same Day 6 pm.; President Trump, Vice President Pence and Defense Secretary (Mad Dog) Mattis are seated in virtual conference seats with life sized images of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un facing them.

PT – Okay, so that’s the problem.  I’ve been banned from Twitter and I have to get back on.  What are my options.

VPP – Mr. President, what seems appropriate is a strongly worded editorial in the major daily newspapers, the Times and the Post, declaring the unfairness of this decision by Twitter.

PT – Low energy, Pence.  Next.

KJU – Nerve gas attack on Twitter owner’s dog.  Get message across with small gesture.

PT – Interesting, but let’s hold the nerve gas in reserve right now.  There’s a whole treaty about that sort of thing plus PETA can be a bear to deal with when they get antsy.  Next.

RVP – The correct play is hack their servers and block all other feeds but yours for two weeks and then demand a billion dollars in cryptocurrency to restore their service.  Plus special forces should occupy the first three floors of their headquarters and annex it to the Russian Federation.

PT – Also interesting.  But none of that annexing jazz.  Americans are pretty attached to the territory.

RVP – Suit yourself.

PT – Next.

MDM – Mr. President, I think I’ve got an idea that should provide you with the short-term ability to get out your message and long-term will force Twitter to restore your account.  And my plan has the added advantage that it allows you to work within the confines of the US Constitution and all other applicable US laws.  Plus, no humans or dogs will be terminated.

KJU – You must really be mad dog if you so picky about nerve gassing them.  You big baby.

RVP – Why so boring Mad Dog?

PT – Kim Jong Un, Vladimir, thank you for your help.  If we need a backup plan I’ll be in touch.  (the images of Putin and Kim disappear but not before Kim flips Mattis the bird)  Alright Mad Dog you put together your team and Mike try to be helpful to the team.  You know, I can’t do everything myself!

Scene 3:  The following Monday evening;   The Set of the Rachel Maddow Show; Rachel Maddow is at her desk and facing a large television screen on which appear the various guests she interviews.

RM – Hello everyone, we’ve got our usual line up of inspiring progressive stories and tragic conservative stories but before anything else we need to jump onto the biggest story of the week.  Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter, permanently!  I’ve assembled a panel of brilliant and objective thought leaders to objectively explain to you why it’s perfectly reasonable for Twitter to decide that Trump is too racist and evil to be allowed to tweet.  My first guest is an esteemed former Republican and originator of the bow tie and glasses look that I myself envy so much, the estimable George Will.  (Will appears on the screen looking both pompous and ill at ease at the same time)

GW – Thank you Rachel.  And if I may preface my remarks with a quote by the great Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige, “Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.”

RM – I believe that is cultural appropriation.

GW – If it is, I’ll warrant I can lay it at the feet of the Trump presidency or hacking by Putin.

RM – Probably.  Okay, continue.

GW – What Satchel said about fried foods is the advice that Twitter is acting on.  Trump is the irritant like the fried food and Twitter has removed it and that will pacify our blood and give the nation cool thoughts.

RM – That’s fascinating coming from a conservative.

GW – Obviously, Rachel you’re still working under the fallacies of the old paradigm.  After the conversion to the new Will paradigm shift all of these seeming paradoxes disappear.  For instance, under the old fallacious viewpoint my opposition to the Republican president would appear to be unconservative.  But once you shift your point of view to the Will perspective you realize that real conservatism is what you find on MSNBC.  Real conservatives conserve the values that thrive in the new conservative universe.  The universe of Twitter and Facebook.  And once you embrace this new knowledge you realize who the real leader of the conservative movement truly is, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

RM – I always suspected as much.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT –   Rachel Maddow is a nincompoop who really needs a better haircut and wardrobe.  Very unfair and fake news.  Also, very boring and unattractive.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

RM – What the (bleep) was that?

GW – Apparently Donald Trump has lost whatever tenuous grip he had on reality and is now satisfying whatever impulse his id dreams up with complete …

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – George Will is a pompous doofus who couldn’t play golf on his best day but pontificates about it endlessly.  His breath is horrible and he farts on TV all the time.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

GW – What the (bleep) was that?  (Will disappears off the screen leaving a test pattern in his place.)

RM – We seem to be having technical difficulties but let’s bring on the next panel member, Rosie O’Donnell.

(O’Donnell appears on the screen in an outfit that resembles a slightly tight fitting burlap sack.)

ROD – Hello Rachel.  It seems like it’s been a long time since you invited me on the show but let’s stay on point.  Donald Trump is a dangerous maniac and removing him from Twitter is the least that can be done to stop him from destroying the world and even the universe.  He is responsible for global warming, ozone depletion, overpopulation and hate crimes against all at risk groups.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – Rosie O’Donnell is undeniably the worst human being to appear on the View and considering how awful most of the broads on that show are that’s saying a lot.  She is so filled with rage that in order to transport her to events she must first be put in the Hannibal Lector restraints with the mask and straight jacket and the two-wheeler.  And she’s gotten so fat that she can no longer bath indoors but instead needs to be hosed down outdoors in the Bronx Zoo elephant paddock.  But the elephants must first be removed to avoid panicking them.  Hello Rosie.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

ROD  – (bleep)ing Trump I’ll (bleep) (bleep) the (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeep)!!!  (Rosie is last seen attacking the camera with her teeth then the feed goes dead followed by static.)

RM – We’re going to take a break now and go to commercial when we come back I’m sure we’ll have all this sorted out.  (once the cameras stop Maddow drops her head to the desk and sobs uncontrollably.)

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area, Tuesday 6pm, President Trump sitting at the control board of the audio-visual system watching various feeds from the network and cable news shows and scribbling down some notes for his announcement rebuttals.  Next to him is a very tired and disheveled Mike Pence.

PT – Mike what rhymes with Tapper besides crapper.  I’ve already used that one.

VPP – Mr. President I can’t even think straight anymore.  It’s been more than twenty-four hours since we started this.  Can’t we take a break to sleep.

PT – Not yet Mike.  We’re very close.  I can tell they’re ready to cave.  I heard Jim Acosta is in the rubber room over at Washington General Hospital.  Apparently, he wandered in saying something about not being the enemy of the people.

(the phone rings and Mike Pence answers it)

VPP – Mr. President, it’s the CEOs of Disney, NBC-Universal, CBS, Time-Warner, Netflix, Amazon and the Home Shopping Network.  They want to surrender unconditionally.  Well except for HSN, they want to see if they can extend your subscription for three years at a really good rate.

PT – You tell those nitwits that the only way I’ll stop is if they reverse my Twitter ban and reinstate all conservatives they’ve banned in the last four years.

VPP – They’ve agreed.  Bezos purchased Twitter and fired the whole department in charge of persecuting conservatives.

PT – Good.  Oh, and tell them no more limit on the number of characters in my messages.  It’s really very lame.

Trump vs the Silly Season

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

 

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Mike, I can’t take it anymore.  That rat Cohen talking to Mueller is the end.  I’ve got to pull the plug on that stiff.

VPP – Mr. President, that could be a disaster for the mid-terms.

PT – I don’t care.  I’ve had it with this nonsense.  Once I fire Mueller I’ll have him indicted six ways to Sunday for all kinds of crap we’ve already got on him and then I’ll be able to get going on important stuff like that bill to move the UN from New York to Newark.  It’s such a subtle difference in pronunciation that no one will notice until the carjackings start piling up.

VPP – But Jeff Sessions said he’d resign if you fire Mueller.

PT -Who cares?  He’s utterly useless.  I had to order him to discontinue Comey’s phone plan four times before he finally got around to it.  Besides I’ve got a great new Attorney General lined up already.  And he’s between gigs so we’ll get him cheap.  Steven Seagal.

VPP – But Mr. President, isn’t Steven Seagal under investigation for rape?

PT – He’s assured me that it’s fake news.  Besides he was a sheriff down in Texas so he knows about the law.  With him as the AG we’ll finally start cleaning out the swamp.  We’ve discussed what kind of prosecutions we can get against CNN reporters who try to ask questions without being picked by me to speak.  He figures that a ten-year sentence would be fair.

VPP – Wait, no!  You can’t do that.  Freedom of the Press is in the Bill of Rights.

PT – This has nothing to do with Freedom of the Press.  It’s about jumping ahead in a line.  No one likes a line jumper.  The American people hate a line jumper and they will applaud the punishing of line jumpers.  I’m hoping I can get that worm Jim Acosta to talk out of turn.  Seagal says he’ll personally make the arrest by body slamming Acosta to the ground and tossing him out of the ring, I mean the Press Briefing Room.

VPP – Mr. President, please trust me, there is no court in the country that would even consider prosecuting reporters for shouting out a question out of turn at a press conference.

PT – Mike that’s just the kind of defeatist thing that JEB! or Romney would say.  Now Seagal is due here in a couple of hours so be ready to brainstorm with us.

VPP – But I’m sure he’s about to be indicted.

PT – Fine.  I’ll just pardon him and we can move on.  Now we’re gonna want to decide whether to just fire the whole FBI or also terminate all those alphabet soup agencies, you know, the CIA, the NSA, blah, blah, blah.  You know clear out all those losers.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s impossible.  Those agencies are critical parts of the law enforcement and security apparatus.

PT – Mike, you sound a little hysterical.  I think you should take a few weeks off and see if this job is for you.  If you’re not up to the challenge I hear that Chuck Norris is between gigs, except for that infomercial for the exercise machine with Christy Brinkley and those other old losers.  We could probably get him cheap and he could help Seagal drag Acosta down to the lock-up.  I figure they could even rough him up a good bit before handing him over to the police.  Acosta has said some pretty mean things about me in the past.  It would serve him right if they tuned him up a little bit.

VPP – Sir, this is insane.

PT – Look Mike I’m bored.  Something’s got to give.  Either you figure out how to end this Mueller thing right away or I’m bringing in Seagal.

VPP – Very well, Mr. President.  Fire Mueller and accept Jeff Sessions’ resignation.  I guess we can trust to your luck to get us through the ensuing Impeachment Trial.

PT – That’s the spirit Mike.  After all Bill Clinton was impeached and it didn’t stop him did it?

VPP – Wow.  That’s a stunning sentiment.

PT – Cheer up Mike.  If worst comes to worst you’ll be President.  That won’t be so bad will it?

VPP – Actually Mr. President, after serving with you for the last year or so, I’m not sure I want to be President anymore.

PT – Suit yourself.  If Norris isn’t available there’s always Dolph Lundgren.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could probably get him cheap.  Oh wait he’s a russky that wouldn’t look good.

VPP – Actually he’s Swedish.  He just played a Russian in Rocky IV.

PT – Whatever.  Now get me Sly Stallone on the phone.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could get him to be FBI Director for almost nothing.

VPP – Oy vey.

Trump vs Mother Nature

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); EPA Administrator  Scott Pruitt – (SP); Rachel Maddow – (RM);

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office, President Trump sitting at his desk.

PT – Mike. … Mike. … PENCE!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Quick, get Pruitt over here right away.

VPP – You know Mr. President the switchboard can do that for you.

PT – Too busy today Mike?  Sorry I put you out.  Please accept my apologies.  I’ll tell the Chief of Staff not to wake you before Wednesday.  Is that satisfactory, Your Highness?

VPP – Understood, I’ll tell Scott to get here ASAP.

PT – Another profile in courage by Mike Pence.

(Mike Pence walks out the door shaking his head.  Ten minutes later Scott Pruitt walks in)

SP – Mike said you needed me Mr. President.

PT – Scott, look at this fake news on MSNBC.

(President Trump puts the cable show up on a conference monitor.  Rachel Maddow is reporting triumphantly on a Court ruling that prevents an Administration action.

RM – And the 4th Circuit Court’s decision effectively prevents the EPA from firing the Obama holdovers for at least 5 years.  The court further specified that the workers must be employed in environmental project work only.

SP – I’m afraid it’s true.  I’ve got forty Obama appointees each making two hundred grand apiece and the only way to get rid of them is have them quit.  And there’s no way on earth they’ll do that now.  Environmental projects aren’t exactly difficult.

PT – Pruitt, you low energy loser, I’ve been defending you against the press and Democrats for weeks.

If you don’t come up with a solution to this I’ll feed you to the lions.

SP – Yes Mr. President.  Hmmm, lions.

Scene 2- 8pm MSNBC Studio of the Rachel Maddow Show.  Maddow is sitting at her desk, and on the screen is President Trump.

RM – We’re coming to you live with this exclusive interview with President Donald Trump as he reacts to the stunning defeat of his assault on the EPA.  Mr. Trump, does the judicial reversal of your illegal firings spell the end of your charmed reign of terror?  Will this represent the beginning of the end for your Administration and the chance for Hillary Clinton to be restored to her rightful place as Madame President?

PT – Rachel, that studio you’re in must be too cold because under that boy’s haircut you’ve developed brain freeze.  Crooked Hillary is detoxing in a sanitarium while Bill frolics with the maid.  And, of course, my administration will completely comply with any legitimate judicial decision, no matter how asinine it may be.

RM – Well, despite your homophobic jibe it must distress you greatly that these Obama appointees will be doing everything in their power to save the environment from your friends, the rapacious wolves of Wall Street.

PT – Well Rachel, you’re very much mistaken.  I thought long and hard about what fitting assignment I could find for these unselfish champions of the environment.  Luckily, Administrator Pruitt found just the project.  It seems that there has been of late an invasive species causing terrible environmental damage down in Florida.  It’s a tragic situation.  And even though this species is doing untold environmental harm all true lovers of Mother Earth would want these invaders treated humanely.  So, in keeping with that humanity, I’ve assigned these forty environmental champions with the difficult but incredibly rewarding task of capturing by hand the tens of thousands of Burmese Pythons now infesting the Everglades National Park.  It will be dangerous and hopefully torturously uncomfortable, but we will make sure that these heroes of Gaia spend the rest of my administration up to their armpits in pythons and swamp mud.  Of course, if they don’t feel up to the challenge, they can of course resign.  But we don’t imagine they could consider that.

RM – I know I’m an atheist but is it possible you actually are Satan.

PT – Sucks to be you toots.  Trump out.

RM – Well folks, he’s done it again.  This is not a nightmare.  This really is life in Trump’s America.  Good night?

Trump vs the One Pump in a Potted Palm Chump

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Sean Hannity – (SH); Charlie Rose – (CR); Matt Lauer – (ML); Harvey Weinstein – (HW); Tom Brokaw – (TB)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.  What seems to be the problem now?

PT – I’ve got a text message from Sean Hannity saying the fake news boys want to have a secret conference with me.

VPP – That seems fairly unusual.  I’d suspect some kind of trap.

PT – You’re too suspicious Mike.  But if I do have them here I’ll make sure the Secret Service uses cavity searches and their new cosmic ray scan.  That should fry any electronics they’re hiding and their brains and gonads.  But since they have neither there shouldn’t be a problem.

VPP – Very prudent sir.  But please show particular restraint in what you say.  They are not your friends.

PT – Duh.  Set up the White House bunker and go over the details with Hannity.  I’ve got a movie date with the First Lady.  We’re getting an advance screening of Deadpool 2.  It’s gonna be epic.  I’m gonna wear my costume.

VPP – Oh good.

Scene 2 – 10 pm, White House bunker;  A room half full of journalists and the President entering with his Secret Service Detail.

SH – Thanks for taking time out for these Media celebrities Mr President.  They were very anxious to meet with you.

PT – Sean, what the hell are you talking about?  These aren’t celebrities.  They’re disgraced losers.  Just look at them.  They’re all wearing track suits and I don’t think any of them has showered this month.  Now I’m feeling bad for the Secret Service guys who had to administer the cavity searches.

SH – In many ways you are right but please hear them out.  They’ve really suffered a lot and they need your help.

PT – Sean, you’re really starting to slip.  Well tell them to make it snappy.  I have to have the Deadpool 2 disc back in three hours and I want to watch it again.

SH – Yes, Mr. President.

PT – Alright Brokaw, what do you want?

TB – Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unjust for a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist such as myself to be hounded from the newsroom by the #metoo movement while a proven philanderer and solicitor of prostitutes such as yourself is allowed to keep the highest office in the land and wield the almost god-like power of the nuclear button?

PT – No!  Next.

TB – Hey, you can’t …

PT – Toss him on the street and don’t be gentle.  (Brokaw is noisily manhandled out of the room by the Secret Service)

PT – Next.  Alright Charlie Rose, what’s your story?

CR – Mr. President. If you’ll make a few phone calls and set up a spot for me on Fox I can guarantee that you’ll be my first interview.  Now my journalistic integrity won’t permit me to overlook your racist positions on immigration and affirmative action but if you show sufficient contrition and agree to appointing Hillary Clinton to your cabinet as Attorney General I can guarantee to at least keeping an open mind about endorsing you in 2020 or at least treating you like John McCain, you know mild disdain.

PT – Rose you’re the creepiest looking dude since that guy on Tales from the Crypt.  You give gropers a bad name.  Guys don’t just rough him up.  Water board him for a week or two.   (Rose is dragged away whining morosely as usual)

PT – Next!  What about you Lauer?

ML – You know I’ve changed my mind.  I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.

PT – Yeah, well, bye.  Give my regards to Savannah and Hoda.  Oh, that’s right, they don’t take your calls anymore, pervert. (Lauer is escorted out of the room)

PT – Well, Weinstein, you’re the only one left.  But you’re not even a journalist.  Why are you here?

HW – Mr. President, I’m not a journalist, I’m a business man just like you.  And as a fellow businessman you know how unfair it is to mix business and personal life when business decisions are made.  And because of that I want you to grant me a presidential pardon and get the Hollywood Commission to reinstate me at the Weinstein Company.  If you do this for me I’ll donate generously to your campaign fund and I’ll see to it that many beautiful starlets are available for, let us say, private conferences.

PT – Harvey, you potted plant polluter, there are no words to describe my disgust at your lack of class.  Let’s face it, the way you look, you should have been honest enough to admit to yourself that all your sex would be on a cash basis.  Guys, just get him out of here as quickly as possible and make sure all the vegetable life in the White House has been disinfected before the First Lady wakes up tomorrow.  (Weinstein is given the bum’s rush out the door)

PT – Hannity I have half a mind to ban you from the White House for a year.  What made you think I had anything to say to these losers?

SH – Well Mr. President, not to put too fine a point on it, I assumed that your treatment at the hands of the Pussy Hat brigade would make you at least somewhat sympathetic toward their plight.  After all, how different are you from them?

PT – Sean, that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.  The difference between them and me is they don’t understand women.  I do.  They try to coerce women who work for them into doing what they don’t want to do.  I only want women who are convinced I’m the best deal they’ll ever find.

SH – What about Stormy Daniels?

PT – That was just a pit stop.  And besides nobody twisted her arm, or anything else if I recall correctly.  So Sean, the next time you get a call from one of these guys, just hang up and dip the phone in Lysol.

SH – Yes Mr. President, sorry Mr. President.