Trump vs Mother Nature

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); EPA Administrator  Scott Pruitt – (SP); Rachel Maddow – (RM);

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office, President Trump sitting at his desk.

PT – Mike. … Mike. … PENCE!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Quick, get Pruitt over here right away.

VPP – You know Mr. President the switchboard can do that for you.

PT – Too busy today Mike?  Sorry I put you out.  Please accept my apologies.  I’ll tell the Chief of Staff not to wake you before Wednesday.  Is that satisfactory, Your Highness?

VPP – Understood, I’ll tell Scott to get here ASAP.

PT – Another profile in courage by Mike Pence.

(Mike Pence walks out the door shaking his head.  Ten minutes later Scott Pruitt walks in)

SP – Mike said you needed me Mr. President.

PT – Scott, look at this fake news on MSNBC.

(President Trump puts the cable show up on a conference monitor.  Rachel Maddow is reporting triumphantly on a Court ruling that prevents an Administration action.

RM – And the 4th Circuit Court’s decision effectively prevents the EPA from firing the Obama holdovers for at least 5 years.  The court further specified that the workers must be employed in environmental project work only.

SP – I’m afraid it’s true.  I’ve got forty Obama appointees each making two hundred grand apiece and the only way to get rid of them is have them quit.  And there’s no way on earth they’ll do that now.  Environmental projects aren’t exactly difficult.

PT – Pruitt, you low energy loser, I’ve been defending you against the press and Democrats for weeks.

If you don’t come up with a solution to this I’ll feed you to the lions.

SP – Yes Mr. President.  Hmmm, lions.

Scene 2- 8pm MSNBC Studio of the Rachel Maddow Show.  Maddow is sitting at her desk, and on the screen is President Trump.

RM – We’re coming to you live with this exclusive interview with President Donald Trump as he reacts to the stunning defeat of his assault on the EPA.  Mr. Trump, does the judicial reversal of your illegal firings spell the end of your charmed reign of terror?  Will this represent the beginning of the end for your Administration and the chance for Hillary Clinton to be restored to her rightful place as Madame President?

PT – Rachel, that studio you’re in must be too cold because under that boy’s haircut you’ve developed brain freeze.  Crooked Hillary is detoxing in a sanitarium while Bill frolics with the maid.  And, of course, my administration will completely comply with any legitimate judicial decision, no matter how asinine it may be.

RM – Well, despite your homophobic jibe it must distress you greatly that these Obama appointees will be doing everything in their power to save the environment from your friends, the rapacious wolves of Wall Street.

PT – Well Rachel, you’re very much mistaken.  I thought long and hard about what fitting assignment I could find for these unselfish champions of the environment.  Luckily, Administrator Pruitt found just the project.  It seems that there has been of late an invasive species causing terrible environmental damage down in Florida.  It’s a tragic situation.  And even though this species is doing untold environmental harm all true lovers of Mother Earth would want these invaders treated humanely.  So, in keeping with that humanity, I’ve assigned these forty environmental champions with the difficult but incredibly rewarding task of capturing by hand the tens of thousands of Burmese Pythons now infesting the Everglades National Park.  It will be dangerous and hopefully torturously uncomfortable, but we will make sure that these heroes of Gaia spend the rest of my administration up to their armpits in pythons and swamp mud.  Of course, if they don’t feel up to the challenge, they can of course resign.  But we don’t imagine they could consider that.

RM – I know I’m an atheist but is it possible you actually are Satan.

PT – Sucks to be you toots.  Trump out.

RM – Well folks, he’s done it again.  This is not a nightmare.  This really is life in Trump’s America.  Good night?