Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Melania Trump (MT), Secretary Mattis (SM)
Scene 1 (White House West Wing, Presidential Living Quarters, 1:30 am Friday 9MAR2018.
PT – Schmoopy, Schmoopy.
MT – What do you need Schmoopy?
PT – Where did you put my Deadpool costume? I’m meeting with that tiny maniac from North Korea and I’ll need every advantage I can get to avoid being assassinated and to get the best deal.
MT – I promised Mike Pence I would hide it from you until February 2021.
PT – That Pence is so short-sighted. He doesn’t see the big picture. When you go up against a maniacal narcissist you need to scare him and throw him off balance. Seeing me in my Deadpool costume will make him think I may have super powers and also be unkillable. That means he’s much less likely to try and kill me.
MT – Schmoopy, I am not sure that costume will fit you well.
PT – Did you shrink it washing it?
MT – I think maybe you did some unshrinking of your own.
PT – Well, it’s lycra spandex. It should just stretch.
MT – There are the limits for even the miracle fabrics we love so much.
PT – Well, please find it for me anyway. I’ve booked a meeting with Mad Dog at 6 am and I need it to give me the mobility for the martial arts moves I’ll need to make. I could get a Black Panther suit but then there’s that whole racist thing.
MT – Oh, Bog nam pomagaj! Okay, okay Schmoopy I will find the Deadpool suit. But please listen to your wise men. This idea may still have the rough edges.
PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, I’ve got it covered.
MT – Yes but will it stay covered? Okay, okay, I will go now and get the suit. (exits the room).
PT – (yelling after her) And Schmoopy, can you get me a Double Reuben for lunch, thanks.
Scene 2 – White House, Oval Office, Secretary Mattis entering door with President Trump in his extremely form fitting Deadpool costume balanced in a martial arts stance.
SM – Great Detonating Balls of Trinitrotoluene! Mr. President for mercy’s sake put on a bathrobe or something. What if a CNN drone gets a picture of this?
PT – Relax Mad Dog. I’ve got the whole White House on lock down. Even that snoop Mueller couldn’t get a camera in here if he tried. So, what do you think of my suit?
SM – No offense Mr. President, but your Deadpool suit wearing days are now officially behind you. And if you want to know why look behind you.
PT – (looking behind himself) I guess I see your point. But in that case, I’m going to need martial arts ninja stuff more than ever. I called that little maniac short and he’ll do anything he can to get me for that.
SM – Then why are you meeting with him?
PT – Because I can’t back down now. The wily oriental mind has no respect for cowards. If I show fear he will attack relentlessly like a shark that smells blood. He will flood our country with stunted, malnourished assassins who will surround the White house five hundred deep like some kind of zombie mob endlessly testing the perimeter fence for a weak spot just waiting for me to emerge. Marine One will have to be equipped with belly armor to survive missile attacks and will have to have those cool buzz-saw attachments to repel the ninjas that get launched at it by their insane comrades.
SM – Oh good grief.
PT – Exactly. The only way to prevent that scenario is to meet Kim Jong Un face-to-wily-face and stare him and his assassins down. I need all of our top ninjas in here to train me. Get me Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jackie Chan. On second thought forget Jackie. It’s not a racist thing but you can never be too careful.
SM – Mr. President, I don’t think there’s time for you to become a martial arts expert.
PT – I’m a really quick learner. You saw what I did with the tax bill.
SM – Nevertheless.
PT – Then what do we do? You can’t let me be killed. Pence will probably replace you with a chaplain.
SM – Mr. President, we will have a special forces team covering every contingency of this assignment. SEAL Team 6 will be in charge of refreshments and lavatory security, Delta Force is in charge of the podium, microphones and all other electronics including your tweeting and 24th Special Tactics Squadron will provide applause and laugh track whenever you make a very funny joke.
PT – That’s all very good but what about the Mission Impossible stuff? Who’s gonna be suspended overhead on that cable like Tom Cruise and hover over Kim Jong Un, ready to pounce on him if he tenses his cat like body ready to leap on me across the dais. Who will be that man? Should we get Cruise? Is he available? Has he gotten too old? Does he have a successor? Maybe Jason Statham?
SM – Mr. President, Jason Statham is fifty years old! (under his breath, “Oh what’s the use!”) Yes, Mr. President, Jason Statham will be suspended above Kim Jong Un’s head on a piece of steel cable but to avoid detection he will be cloaked using the stealth technology we learned from the Predator species that your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger faced back in the 1980s.
PT – Good, now you’re talking sense. You can’t be too careful you know. Okay, so that covers the defensive stuff but I think I should have some offensive weapons in case he gets off a zinger that makes me look bad. How about a laser hidden in my ball point pen? And can we put some itching powder on his podium? That will definitely make him look bad if keeps scratching all over the place.
SM – Yes, laser pen, itching powder, check and check. Would you like us to put some ex-lax in his breakfast snack?
PT – Please Matthis, let’s not be ridiculous.