Dramatis Personae: Robert Iger – (RI); The Ghost of Walt Disney – (GWD); Steven Spielberg – (SS); Robert De Niro – (RD); President Trump – (PT);
Scene 1 – Robert Iger’s Office, Steven Spielberg and Robert DeNiro are sitting facing Iger’s desk.
RI – Look Steve and Bob we’ve got to do something about this Oscar mess. ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we’re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training. And considering the money we’re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.
SS – Robert, why don’t we have Bob over here do the hosting? Everyone loves him. He’d be great.
RD – Yeah, Robert, I’ll kill it. I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we’ve purged this year.
RI – Are you insane? We’re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies. Can’t you try and be human?
SS – Robert, what’s wrong with playing to our base?
RI – Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn’t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years. We’ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I’m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel. Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?
SS – How about Tom Hanks?
RD – No good. Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling. That’s hate speech.
RI – Great Caesar’s Ghost! Doesn’t GLAAD ever take a break?
SS – I’m sorry Robert, Tom was our last straight man that hasn’t been #MeToo’ed.
RI – Alright you two idiots, get out of here. I’ve got to have some quiet so I can think.
Scene 2 – Robert Iger’s bedroom that same night. Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.
RI – What can I do? I’ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling. What can I do, what can I do.
Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger’s bed.
GWD – Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?
RI – Is that really you Walt Disney?
GWD – No I’m Tupac Shakur. Of course, it’s me, you idiot. You’ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall. What’s the matter, are you blind?
RI – I just can’t believe you’re really here.
GWD – Well, it’s not as if I had a choice. I can’t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.
RI – But what can I do? The only man who isn’t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.
GWD – The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes) And when you wake up you’ll have the answer.
Scene 3 – Host’s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars. President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.
PT – Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood. I’m here because I’m the only living man in these United States who isn’t afraid of the Outrage Police. So, I’ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.
Well I can do a lot better than that. How about four minutes? All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you’ve nominated. And I’ll tell you something else. If you don’t start making movies like they did in the last century you’ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade. My vote is for Deadpool 2. Oh, and DeNiro, you suck. Trump out.