Trump vs The TV Moms

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1- 8am Thursday; White House West Wing; Presidential Living Quarters;

PT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey. Where are you Schmoopey?

MT – I am right here Schmoopey. Why do you cry out so?

PT – Schmoopey, Roseanne has been fired because she thought Valerie Jarrett was white and looked like an ape.

MT – But what can you do about that? ABC is the boss of her, not you Schmoopey.

PT – I know but America needs its TV Moms even the ones who are fat loudmouths. I must act and act decisively. Anyway, I need you to rally the women of America behind me. I intend to honor them in my own way. It will be huge.

MT – Schmoopey please be careful with your honoring. The women, they are a little jumpy right at the moment. Please be careful.

PT – Don’t worry I’ve got this. When I’m finished honoring them the women of America will have to admit they’ve never been honored like this before. It will make Mother’s Day look like Income Tax Day.

MT – Oh Schmoopey, that’s a lot of honoring.

PT – You bet it is. Now get in touch with the Republican wives and I’ll get in touch with the Congress to get the ball rolling.

 

Scene 2 – 8pm the same day; White House broadcast studio; Vice President Pence is standing off stage; President Trump is sitting behind a desk in front of the cameras; technicians and hair and make-up staff are bustling around him; The President looks into the camera and gestures to roll and the crew backs away and the broadcast begins.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I only want to speak to the women. You men get lost. Go play sports or work on your cars.

Ladies I am here to discuss a very important subject. I want to talk to you about female role models. In the last forty or so years, crackpots have tried to tell you that women should want to be doctors and lawyers and presidents. This craziness was encouraged by the Communists because they wanted to destroy the family and by extension the country. And in order to do this they flooded tv with working women. Dana Sculley, Allie McBeal, Madame Secretary, all grim career women without any prospects of love in their lives. Well, unfortunately you all fell for it. Now the country is filled with incompetent women professionals who gum up the works in the courts, hospitals and government. On top of that you’re so busy screwing up the world you haven’t had time to produce many children. And the few that you do manage to produce are abandoned to become, at best, latch key kids, and at worst, sociopaths. Let’s face it you screwed up.

But the good news is I’ve worked out a solution. The government is going to step in and replace all these Hillary Clinton clones with good wholesome maternal women, in other words, TV Moms. We’ll start by setting up a new set of cable channels that will play Leave it To Beaver, The Donna Reed Show, Make Room for Daddy, The Honeymooners, Father Knows Best, Lassie and Ozzie and Harriet twenty four/seven. For the kids we’ll also include the Flintstones and the Jetsons. Of course, we will edit any of the episodes where the gals get a little too uppity.

And that’s just the start. We’re gonna replace Susan B. Anthony and that Indian chick on the coins with real role models for women. The mint will issue coins with the likenesses of Wilma Flintstone, Betty Rubble, Jane Jetson, Alice Kramden, Donna Reed, June Cleaver and many more. And finally after I grant a presidential pardon to Roseanne Barr I will force ABC to rehire her. How will I do this you might ask. Well Disney wants to buy Newscorp. And guess who has to approve that? That’s right, the US government or in other words me. How do you think that’s going to work if they don’t rehire her? Exactly. Now I know Roseanne is a fat, trash talking, progressive loud mouth but she’s seen the light of late and I’m gonna stick by her. It’s my intention to show up on the show in a cameo appearance every week and spend a longer stint on the opener, sweeps week and the season finale. Who knows? If I can convince the First Lady to guest star maybe we can even get Roseanne to lose a little weight.

And once we’ve got you ladies back on track I intend to begin an initiative to repeal the 19th Amendment. After all you ladies were responsible for both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. It hardly seems necessary to say more than that. But we’ll discuss that later. For now, let’s just get busy moving you out of the office and back in the kitchen. Trump out.

(The broadcast ends and President Trump approaches Vice President Pence to speak.)

PT – Well Mike what’s the reaction so far?

VPP – I would say mixed. The Wahhabist Clerics on the Saudi Council of Senior Scholars have embraced your initiative. Rachel Maddow on the other hand drove a car bomb into the gate just now.

PT – Yeah, let’s call it mixed.

Trump vs the One Pump in a Potted Palm Chump

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Sean Hannity – (SH); Charlie Rose – (CR); Matt Lauer – (ML); Harvey Weinstein – (HW); Tom Brokaw – (TB)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.  What seems to be the problem now?

PT – I’ve got a text message from Sean Hannity saying the fake news boys want to have a secret conference with me.

VPP – That seems fairly unusual.  I’d suspect some kind of trap.

PT – You’re too suspicious Mike.  But if I do have them here I’ll make sure the Secret Service uses cavity searches and their new cosmic ray scan.  That should fry any electronics they’re hiding and their brains and gonads.  But since they have neither there shouldn’t be a problem.

VPP – Very prudent sir.  But please show particular restraint in what you say.  They are not your friends.

PT – Duh.  Set up the White House bunker and go over the details with Hannity.  I’ve got a movie date with the First Lady.  We’re getting an advance screening of Deadpool 2.  It’s gonna be epic.  I’m gonna wear my costume.

VPP – Oh good.

Scene 2 – 10 pm, White House bunker;  A room half full of journalists and the President entering with his Secret Service Detail.

SH – Thanks for taking time out for these Media celebrities Mr President.  They were very anxious to meet with you.

PT – Sean, what the hell are you talking about?  These aren’t celebrities.  They’re disgraced losers.  Just look at them.  They’re all wearing track suits and I don’t think any of them has showered this month.  Now I’m feeling bad for the Secret Service guys who had to administer the cavity searches.

SH – In many ways you are right but please hear them out.  They’ve really suffered a lot and they need your help.

PT – Sean, you’re really starting to slip.  Well tell them to make it snappy.  I have to have the Deadpool 2 disc back in three hours and I want to watch it again.

SH – Yes, Mr. President.

PT – Alright Brokaw, what do you want?

TB – Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unjust for a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist such as myself to be hounded from the newsroom by the #metoo movement while a proven philanderer and solicitor of prostitutes such as yourself is allowed to keep the highest office in the land and wield the almost god-like power of the nuclear button?

PT – No!  Next.

TB – Hey, you can’t …

PT – Toss him on the street and don’t be gentle.  (Brokaw is noisily manhandled out of the room by the Secret Service)

PT – Next.  Alright Charlie Rose, what’s your story?

CR – Mr. President. If you’ll make a few phone calls and set up a spot for me on Fox I can guarantee that you’ll be my first interview.  Now my journalistic integrity won’t permit me to overlook your racist positions on immigration and affirmative action but if you show sufficient contrition and agree to appointing Hillary Clinton to your cabinet as Attorney General I can guarantee to at least keeping an open mind about endorsing you in 2020 or at least treating you like John McCain, you know mild disdain.

PT – Rose you’re the creepiest looking dude since that guy on Tales from the Crypt.  You give gropers a bad name.  Guys don’t just rough him up.  Water board him for a week or two.   (Rose is dragged away whining morosely as usual)

PT – Next!  What about you Lauer?

ML – You know I’ve changed my mind.  I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.

PT – Yeah, well, bye.  Give my regards to Savannah and Hoda.  Oh, that’s right, they don’t take your calls anymore, pervert. (Lauer is escorted out of the room)

PT – Well, Weinstein, you’re the only one left.  But you’re not even a journalist.  Why are you here?

HW – Mr. President, I’m not a journalist, I’m a business man just like you.  And as a fellow businessman you know how unfair it is to mix business and personal life when business decisions are made.  And because of that I want you to grant me a presidential pardon and get the Hollywood Commission to reinstate me at the Weinstein Company.  If you do this for me I’ll donate generously to your campaign fund and I’ll see to it that many beautiful starlets are available for, let us say, private conferences.

PT – Harvey, you potted plant polluter, there are no words to describe my disgust at your lack of class.  Let’s face it, the way you look, you should have been honest enough to admit to yourself that all your sex would be on a cash basis.  Guys, just get him out of here as quickly as possible and make sure all the vegetable life in the White House has been disinfected before the First Lady wakes up tomorrow.  (Weinstein is given the bum’s rush out the door)

PT – Hannity I have half a mind to ban you from the White House for a year.  What made you think I had anything to say to these losers?

SH – Well Mr. President, not to put too fine a point on it, I assumed that your treatment at the hands of the Pussy Hat brigade would make you at least somewhat sympathetic toward their plight.  After all, how different are you from them?

PT – Sean, that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.  The difference between them and me is they don’t understand women.  I do.  They try to coerce women who work for them into doing what they don’t want to do.  I only want women who are convinced I’m the best deal they’ll ever find.

SH – What about Stormy Daniels?

PT – That was just a pit stop.  And besides nobody twisted her arm, or anything else if I recall correctly.  So Sean, the next time you get a call from one of these guys, just hang up and dip the phone in Lysol.

SH – Yes Mr. President, sorry Mr. President.

27APR2018 – Quote of the Day

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

by Fanny Fern in ‘Willis Parton’ (c. 1872),

I can’t confirm that this is truly universal but Camera Girl knew this saying before we met.  Before our first outing she invited me over for breakfast and prepared ham steak and used the fat to deep fry eggs and home fried potatoes.  Being from a large family where you had to battle for every last scrap of food this was definitely unfair.  I never stood a chance of escaping her web.  And here I am forty three years later.  Life is cruel.  So if a woman is interested in feeding you take that as a good sign.