Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

 

Scene1:  10th of October 732 A.D. – Plains surrounding Tours, Gaul

 

Trump Martel (TM) – Where is my oaf?  Oaf, oaf oaf!

Jeb Buisson (JEB!) – Here O Prince!

TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor?  I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.

JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.

TM – Oh never mind.  You’re too low energy for that.  Go and take a nap.  That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.

JEB! – Thank you sire.

TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.

Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.

TM – Gather round men.  I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in.  In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on.  That’s right.  No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine.  So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings.  And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus.  She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.

Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs.  Maybe you think the odds are too high.  Well just relax.  The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big.  They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground.  After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build.  And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding.  It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire.  But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning.  We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning.  You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”

And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep.  Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall.  Follow me, men, into victory and glory.  But don’t tailgate.  I hate that.

Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

TM – Yes, you love me.  Of course, you do.  How could you not?  I am the greatest Frank of all time.  Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 3 – Trumpxander the Great

 

Scene 1 – 30 B.C – The Roman Forum (Tuesday)

Emperor Augustus Trumpster (EAT) – Where is Philbertus Macadamius?  Phil! Phil! Where in Hades are you?

Philbertus Macadamius (PM) – Right here Great Trumpster!  All Hail divine Trumpster.  Why, you bestride the whole world like a Colussus!

EAT – Yeah well stop looking up my toga when I do.  Remember my hands are plenty big.  Nothing to worry about there.

PM – Yes great Trumpster.  And how may I be of service?

EAT – Listen Phil, I’m about to make a big speech before the senate and I need someone that I can trust to listen to my tweet, I mean speech.

PM – I would be honored Great Trumpster.

EAT – Sure, sure but listen I’m a little sword-shy after Mike-us Pence-tony, my right hand man, ran off with that Clintonpatra skank and tried to steal the whole eastern empire from me.  That really pissed me off.  So, I have to know that what I say will go no further than this portico.  I have to know you’re loyal.

PM – Rest assured Great Trumpster, that I would never reveal your conversation or blab it to the Times New Roman, er I mean the New Roman Times.

EAT – Yeah, nothing to see here.  Oh what the hell.  If anything happens I can always feed you to the lions in the Colosseum (when someone gets around to building it that is).  Anyway what do you think of this speech?

PM – (reading the scroll) Uh let’s see.  Hmmm, zmmmm, hmmm, zmmm.  Looks good to me.  Cicero himself will rave.

EAT – Yeah except we cut off his head a few years back.

PM – Oh, that’s right.  Good times, good times.  Anyway, the speech is a peach.  Lay it on them Mighty Trumpster.

Scene 2 – Same day, Roman Senate.

EAT – Friends, Romans, Countrymen.  Lend me your ears.  No, I mean really.  I’m having all your ears cut off for those rude remarks you made about the Empress Melania.  She’s the best- looking babe this old burg has ever seen and you claim that Clintopatra is more regal?  You’re just lucky I won and she wasn’t in charge.  She’d have had you guys eunuched within the week and singing soprano in the Palatine Follies before the Ides of March.  But relax, I had her boiled in oil and rendered into so much soap that it’ll last the empire for a decade.  Unfortunately Slickus Willius escaped into the East.  But it’s probably for the better.  If that joker got talking he’d have stolen the togas right off your backs.  Him and that “that depends on what the definition of id est.”  What a crook.

So anyway, here’s the deal.  I’m going to turn this republic into an empire.  Now I know that’s bad, but you folks are already too corrupt to reform.  On the upside the Pax Romana will give you about two hundred years of relative prosperity and peace.  The downside is that by the time the Visigoths show up you’ll be a bunch of serfs too poor and dispirited to care about defending your homes.

But look at the bright side.  The bread and circuses should last right up until Alaric and the Visigoths sack this place in 410 A.D. (whenever that is).  So let’s party like it’s MCMXCIX!!!!

Senators – Toga, toga, toga.

 

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel