(Earlier story installments at links)
Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)
Newt Gingrich (NG)
President Trump (PT)
Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 9:30 pm, following an interruption in the State of the Union Address
TB – Good evening again everyone and welcome back to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address. I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and we continue to have with us former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newt Gingrich.
NG – Thanks Toffee.
TB – I’d like to start by apologizing for my unprofessional weakness a little while ago. I reacted like some sort of Victorian heroine suffering a case of the “vapours” upon hearing of an impropriety. My only defense is my sheltered public-school upbringing. I am unused to such frank discussion of sexual impropriety by a national leader on television.
NG – Well Toffee, welcome to America, post Bill Clinton. We do let it all hang out as the kids say,
TB – Quite. And so, to bring our viewers up to date, President Trump followed up his introductory comments by instructing the various law enforcement personnel at his disposal to arrest, handcuff and escort away or as he so colorfully expressed it “frog march” the indicted FBI members in the audience to some unspecified area of confinement.
NG – Toffee, you have a way with words.
TB – Thank you Mr. Speaker, I do love my work. Newt, what in the world can we expect from the conclusion of President Trump’s address? Honestly, I’m completely at a loss as to what he can say that won’t seem overshadowed by the unprecedented actions we’ve just witnessed.
NG – Well Toffee, if we’ve learned anything from tonight’s events is that you should never assume anything when it involves Donald Trump. He is entirely unconventional.
TB – Indeed. Do you foresee many of the Congressional audience remaining for this second act?
NG – Well, other than those with guilty consciences I can’t imagine anyone with a ringside seat leaving this venue. The old phrase, “the greatest show on earth” comes to mind. There is something fascinating watching a force of nature at work.
TB – Well, we’ll have to wait for the finale to continue this discussion because I believe President Trump is resuming his place at the rostrum.
(scene shifts to President Trump back at the rostrum)
PT – I’m going to dispense with some of the formalities. You’re phonies and liars and losers. The American people don’t expect me to suck up to the likes of you. But enough pleasantries. The reason for this address is for me to report to the Congress. The relevant passage in the Constitution is and I quote “He shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.” Unquote.
So, here’s my information on the State of the Union. The Union no longer exists. It’s a disunion. And until I came along, the leftist deviant part was killing and devouring the normal part. Very recently I’ve been able to slow the damage and put a little hurt on the deviants but it’s just a start. To restore the country to health I’m going to have to take a chainsaw to the parasite that’s killing our country. The first step in the process is decapitating the Swamp Beast. Currently that’s the Justice Department, especially the FBI. I intend to fire all the pod people who have infiltrated the Bureau and replace them with human beings. That should start the healing. Then I’m going to drain the rest of the swamp. We’ve made a good start over at the EPA and we intend to continue right along until the housing prices in Northern Virginia reach West Virginia levels. On the political front I expect the midterms won’t turn out the way you think. We’ll keep the House and we’ll expand our majority in the Senate. With this situation I intend to increase my appointments to federal judgeships until I can put an end to the judicial meddling that we’ve seen for the last year. I intend to appoint at least two more Supreme Court judges in my first term. That’s right SCOTUS you know who I mean. In my second term who knows? We’ll play it by ear.
As far as legislation, I expect Congress to craft legislation to shut down immigration, restore religious freedom, undo unconstitutional overreach with respect to surveillance and so-called gay marriage and end affirmative action. Between those actions we can stabilize this country and make it a place to be proud of again. So, in conclusion we’ve got a lot of work to do. Shut up and get to work. Trump out.
(returning to the broadcast studio)
TB – Well Mr. Speaker, what do you make of that?
NG – I’d call it marching orders. This President has an agenda and a plan of action. It’s about time.
TB – Were you surprised at the lack of empathy or new programs for the underprivileged?
NG – You mean virtue signaling. No. Trump is a leader, not a cheerleader. I’m just surprised he didn’t wade into the audience with a cat-o-nine-tails.
TB – Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the first State of the Union address by American President Donald J. Trump. It was a ghastly spectacle but at the same time surprisingly energizing. I warrant that in the months and years ahead we’ll look back at this address as the beginning of historic change in this former British colony.
NG – Toffee, you’ve got to let that go.
TB – Quite.