Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart

Dramatis Personae:  Robert Iger – (RI);  The Ghost of Walt Disney – (GWD);  Steven Spielberg – (SS);  Robert De Niro – (RD);  President Trump – (PT);

Scene 1 – Robert Iger’s Office, Steven Spielberg and Robert DeNiro are sitting facing Iger’s desk.

RI – Look Steve and Bob we’ve got to do something about this Oscar mess.  ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we’re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training.  And considering the money we’re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.

SS – Robert, why don’t we have Bob over here do the hosting?  Everyone loves him.  He’d be great.

RD – Yeah, Robert, I’ll kill it.  I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we’ve purged this year.

RI – Are you insane?  We’re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies.  Can’t you try and be human?

SS – Robert, what’s wrong with playing to our base?

RI – Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn’t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years.  We’ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I’m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel.  Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?

SS – How about Tom Hanks?

RD – No good.  Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling.  That’s hate speech.

RI – Great Caesar’s Ghost!  Doesn’t GLAAD ever take a break?

SS – I’m sorry Robert, Tom was our last straight man that hasn’t been #MeToo’ed.

RI – Alright you two idiots, get out of here.  I’ve got to have some quiet so I can think.

Scene 2 – Robert Iger’s bedroom that same night.  Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.

RI – What can I do?  I’ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling.  What can I do, what can I do.

Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger’s bed.

GWD – Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?

RI – Is that really you Walt Disney?

GWD – No I’m Tupac Shakur.  Of course, it’s me, you idiot.  You’ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall.  What’s the matter, are you blind?

RI – I just can’t believe you’re really here.

GWD – Well, it’s not as if I had a choice.  I can’t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.

RI – But what can I do?  The only man who isn’t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.

GWD – The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes)  And when you wake up you’ll have the answer.

Scene 3 – Host’s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.  President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.

PT – Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood.  I’m here because I’m the only living man in these United States who isn’t afraid of the Outrage Police.  So, I’ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.

Well I can do a lot better than that.  How about four minutes?  All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you’ve nominated.  And I’ll tell you something else.  If you don’t start making movies like they did in the last century you’ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade.  My vote is for Deadpool 2.  Oh, and DeNiro, you suck.  Trump out.

Trump vs the Acostafication of Press Corps Nation

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA);   Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG);  Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ);  Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV);  Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)

 

White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm

(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)

 

PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules.  I will now walk you through them.

First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone.  This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question.  Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit.  It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it.  Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice.  Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder.  Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit.  After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.

Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.

(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)

PT – Okay let’s see who’s first.  How about you Major?

MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.

PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name.  What’s your question?

MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?

PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist.  You next Hallie.

MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!

PT – Major you weren’t next.  Bet that stings though.  Hallie, you’re next.

HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.

PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?

CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?

PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid.  Al Drago, any question?

AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures?  Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?

PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order.  First, hah!  Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua.  You have a question Jim?

JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.

PT – That’s not a question.  Major you’re next.

JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.

MG – Can I give my question to Jim.

PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.

HJ – Still no question sir.

PT – Cecilia?

CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?

PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game.  And that brings us back to you Jim.  Care to take another crack at it?  But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.

(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)

JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?

PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim.  You’re such a good boy!  Catch the treat!

Trump vs the Sixty Minutes Sitdown

Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment

ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes.  Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump.  By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip.  Let’s take a look.

(Cut to the recorded interview)

PT – Hello End-Lesley.

ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – Where the hell did that come from?

ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page.  I mean good evening President Trump.  Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – That’s better.  Don’t want to confuse the audience.  Who’s Mueller?  Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles?  No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?

ES – Uh, sure but hold up.  You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.

PT – Okay fine.  I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet.  He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms.  I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows?  He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile.  Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.

ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!

PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set.  Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done.  If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing.  What else have you got?

ES – Fine!  How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?

PT – First off, she’s not a doctor.  She’s more like a yoga instructor.  Secondly, she’s got too many names.  Tell her to pick one.  And third, you call that making fun?  I was being nice!  That woman is a fruit cake.  She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue.  Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room.  I’d have mocked them right out of the building.  You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.

ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.

PT – Really?  That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts.  So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper?  Please don’t make me laugh.  If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.

ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.

PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped?  How about Juanita Broaddrick?  And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted?  How about Kathleen Willey?

ES – But that was a long time ago.

PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.

ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!

PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.

ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  (runs off stage)

PT – Good night End-Lesley.

(Voice coming over the tape)

ES – How could you televise that?  That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard.   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

Mourning Morning Shmoe

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);  Producer Jorge – (PJ);  President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;  

MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe.  Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe.  Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter.  But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely.  Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed  country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime.  Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just.  Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way.  A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters.  And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute.  China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really?  Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles?  I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second.  I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out.  Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog?  Mr. Toodles?  After all he did for you?  Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe.  I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

LS – Put him through!  I want to tell him what I really think of him.

PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra.  I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.

LS – Go to hell Trump.  We won’t let you divide us.

MS – Exactly!

LS – Exactly!

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer!  You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old!  I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen.  Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two.  It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor.  He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang.  The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that.  You have to apologize to me.

MS – What?  Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly.  So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes.  He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size.  And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe!  We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.

MS – Very well, you villain.  We’ll do it.  What must we say.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me.  I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished.  I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so.  And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours.  Till then rejoice.  Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again.  Trump out.

Trying to Write Satire in the Age of the Resistance

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains.  Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp.  I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless.  Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance?  A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity.  How can I compete with that?  I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning?  Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh.  That might work!  But I will have to work on the details.  Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings?  Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes?  Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black?  These are tough questions to decide on.  I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy.  If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies.  And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world.  Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament.  Life has completely swamped out parody and satire.  There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to.  They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda.  I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal.  They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck.  I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great.  But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance.  I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men.  It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight.  Almost.  But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win.  Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf.  I’m going with squid.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

 

Mourning Morning Shmoe

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

 

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead I have the link at the bottom of each post to the next installment.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Melania Trump (MT), Secretary Mattis (SM)

Scene 1 (White House West Wing, Presidential Living Quarters, 1:30 am Friday 9MAR2018.

PT – Schmoopy, Schmoopy.

MT – What do you need Schmoopy?

PT – Where did you put my Deadpool costume?  I’m meeting with that tiny maniac from North Korea and I’ll need every advantage I can get to avoid being assassinated and to get the best deal.

MT – I promised Mike Pence I would hide it from you until February 2021.

PT – That Pence is so short-sighted.  He doesn’t see the big picture.  When you go up against a maniacal narcissist you need to scare him and throw him off balance.  Seeing me in my Deadpool costume will make him think I may have super powers and also be unkillable.  That means he’s much less likely to try and kill me.

MT – Schmoopy, I am not sure that costume will fit you well.

PT – Did you shrink it washing it?

MT – I think maybe you did some unshrinking of your own.

PT – Well, it’s lycra spandex.  It should just stretch.

MT – There are the limits for even the miracle fabrics we love so much.

PT – Well, please find it for me anyway.  I’ve booked a meeting with Mad Dog at 6 am and I need it to give me the mobility for the martial arts moves I’ll need to make.  I could get a Black Panther suit but then there’s that whole racist thing.

MT – Oh, Bog nam pomagaj!  Okay, okay Schmoopy I will find the Deadpool suit.  But please listen to your wise men.  This idea may still have the rough edges.

PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, I’ve got it covered.

MT – Yes but will it stay covered?  Okay, okay, I will go now and get the suit.  (exits the room).

PT – (yelling after her) And Schmoopy, can you get me a Double Reuben for lunch, thanks.

Scene 2 – White House, Oval Office, Secretary Mattis entering door with President Trump in his extremely form fitting Deadpool costume balanced in a martial arts stance.

SM – Great Detonating Balls of Trinitrotoluene!  Mr. President for mercy’s sake put on a bathrobe or something.  What if a CNN drone gets a picture of this?

PT – Relax Mad Dog.  I’ve got the whole White House on lock down.  Even that snoop Mueller couldn’t get a camera in here if he tried.  So, what do you think of my suit?

SM – No offense Mr. President, but your Deadpool suit wearing days are now officially behind you.  And if you want to know why look behind you.

PT – (looking behind himself) I guess I see your point.  But in that case, I’m going to need martial arts ninja stuff more than ever.  I called that little maniac short and he’ll do anything he can to get me for that.

SM – Then why are you meeting with him?

PT – Because I can’t back down now.  The wily oriental mind has no respect for cowards.  If I show fear he will attack relentlessly like a shark that smells blood.  He will flood our country with stunted, malnourished assassins who will surround the White house five hundred deep like some kind of zombie mob endlessly testing the perimeter fence for a weak spot just waiting for me to emerge.  Marine One will have to be equipped with belly armor to survive missile attacks and will have to have those cool buzz-saw attachments to repel the ninjas that get launched at it by their insane comrades.

SM – Oh good grief.

PT – Exactly.  The only way to prevent that scenario is to meet Kim Jong Un face-to-wily-face and stare him and his assassins down.  I need all of our top ninjas in here to train me.  Get me Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jackie Chan.  On second thought forget Jackie.  It’s not a racist thing but you can never be too careful.

SM – Mr. President, I don’t think there’s time for you to become a martial arts expert.

PT – I’m a really quick learner.  You saw what I did with the tax bill.

SM – Nevertheless.

PT – Then what do we do?  You can’t let me be killed.  Pence will probably replace you with a chaplain.

SM – Mr. President, we will have a special forces team covering every contingency of this assignment.  SEAL Team 6 will be in charge of refreshments and lavatory security, Delta Force is in charge of the podium, microphones and all other electronics including your tweeting and 24th Special Tactics Squadron will provide applause and laugh track whenever you make a very funny joke.

PT –  That’s all very good but what about the Mission Impossible stuff?  Who’s gonna be suspended overhead on that cable like Tom Cruise and hover over Kim Jong Un, ready to pounce on him if he tenses his cat like body ready to leap on me across the dais.  Who will be that man?  Should we get Cruise?  Is he available?  Has he gotten too old?  Does he have a successor?  Maybe Jason Statham?

SM – Mr. President, Jason Statham is fifty years old!  (under his breath, “Oh what’s the use!”) Yes, Mr. President, Jason Statham will be suspended above Kim Jong Un’s head on a piece of steel cable but to avoid detection he will be cloaked using the stealth technology we learned from the Predator species that your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger faced back in the 1980s.

PT – Good, now you’re talking sense.  You can’t be too careful you know.  Okay, so that covers the defensive stuff but I think I should have some offensive weapons in case he gets off a zinger that makes me look bad.  How about a laser hidden in my ball point pen?  And can we put some itching powder on his podium?  That will definitely make him look bad if keeps scratching all over the place.

SM – Yes, laser pen, itching powder, check and check.  Would you like us to put some ex-lax in his breakfast snack?

PT – Please Matthis, let’s not be ridiculous.

 

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)

PT – Mike   …   Mike   ….   MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Pence, what the hell?  Am I in this alone?

VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”)  No sir, here I am front and center.

PT – Okay, whatever.  Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.

VPP – Certainly.  What can I do?

PT – So you’re from Idaho.

VPP – Indiana.

PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.

VPP – Uh, where is this going?

PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.  Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.”  So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there.  First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad.  And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.  I mean I think they’re onto something there!  Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.

VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.

PT – I don’t mean the show.  I want to know how this works in real life.

VPP – but it isn’t real life.  It’s a work of fiction.

PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?

VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.

PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up?  I mean come on!  Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about?  Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?

VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

PT – See, that’s your problem.  You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say.  You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.

VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.

PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies.  But what if it’s brightened up?  You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.

VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.

PT – Times may change but people don’t.  The things that made people happy back then still do.  It’s all how you sell it.

VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?

PT – Of course not.  They know I’m not Ward Cleaver.  They think I’m Caligula.  But you actually are Ward Cleaver.  For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman.  You’re the guy they think should be running the country.  We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.

VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.

PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?

VPP – Indiana!  Yes, I do. ……… You’re right.  What can we do?

PT – Relax.  By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.  By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.  And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.  But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.  I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.  And that’s what I need your help with.  This is definitely one of those heartland things.  We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.  You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing.  We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.

VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.

PT – Don’t be so shocked.  So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.

VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.

PT – Yeah, I do!

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2