Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 2)

Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO); Bill Clinton – (BC); Hillary Clinton – (HC); President Trump – (PT);

 

Scene 1 – 8 pm, that same night in the Farmhouse; In the corner of the room, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Beto O’Rourke are sweating away, turning a giant crank on a generator.  In the opposite corner A-oh-see, Cory Booker, Hillary Clinton and the Obamas are dancing rather spastically around a disco ball while a wavering light and an unevenly playing sound system produces some unconvincing techno sound.  As the exhausted laborers slacken their effort, A-oh-see chastises them.

AOC – Hey white boys, pick up the pace.  This is the part where I go, whoot, whoot.  Don’t make me warn you again.

The generator crew redouble their efforts and the “whoot, whoot” is a big success.  The dancers clap enthusiastically and the crankers collapse to the floor panting.

AOC – The dance is over and that’s all the electricity there is.

MO – That was good electricity A-oh-see, real good.

BO – That was the best electricity I ever seen.  Much better than that power plant electricity.

NP – Oh, I don’t know, I remember back in the Obama administration we had lights all the time and copy machines and air conditioning.

HC – It’s real good that you said that Nancy but how could you mean it?  Why, A-oh-see’s electricity is much better than that old electricity.  That old electricity made global warming and killed baby polar bears.

BO – That’s right Nancy, A-oh-see’s electricity is real good.  Much better.

MO – And now it’s time for Bill Clinton’s birthday presents.  Everybody gather around.

Hillary hands Bill a bag full of fentanyl patches and a plain brown envelope.

HC – Happy birthday Bill.  Many happy returns.

BC – (looking in the envelope) The Pia Zadora Playboy issue!  This is a priceless object.  He you don’t suppose I could open it up here?

Everyone goes quiet and looks shocked.

BC – Not the pictures just the articles.

BO – I don’t think you should Bill.  We don’t know exactly where the articles end and the porn begins.

HC – That’s right Bill.  Wait until we get home, where it’s safe.  Here, try out the fentanyl patch.

BC – Mmmmmmmmm.

BO – Okay everybody, birthday presents over.  Now we’ll hear a speech by Caitlyn Jenner on the false social construct inherent in the ovary.

While everyone sits in rapt fear of not cheering at the right places Bill Clinton wanders around in a fentanyl stupor.  Suddenly he starts talking out loud to no one in particular.

BC – You know this is the last fentanyl stash left.  And once it’s gone and Al Gore’s oxycontin bottle is empty there won’t be any joy left in the world.  No more giggling, no more Ruffies.

Looking around and glaring at Bill AOC shouts.

AOC – Stop talking during the science lesson.

Bill smiles goofily and gives AOC a salute and she turns back to the lecture.  Bill opens up his Playboy magazine and with the centerfold flapped open approaches Caitlyn Jenner.

BC – You know Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, I don’t think yours can compare to Pia’s what do you think?

AOC jumps to her feet and shouts at Bill Clinton.

AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and if you keep acting all patriarchal, I’m going to think bad things about you.

BC – That’s right A-oh-see you think bad things about me.  You concentrate on me and maybe some real man in this room will sneak up behind you and slap a half dozen fentanyl patches between your shoulder blades and end this thing.

Nancy Pelosi picks up her speaker’s gavel off the table where it lies but then puts it back.

AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and you keep looking down my blouse.

AOC walks over to Bill Clinton and slaps four fentanyl patches on Bill’s face.  Bill starts pulling one off, then smiles goofily and puts it back on.  Then he falls face forward like a chopped tree.

BO – A-oh-see put him in the mulch pile please.  Please.

She nods her head slightly and a group of Bernie Bros picked up Clinton and hustled him out of the room.

AOC – He was a bad white mand and I used his non-socialized medicine to destroy him.  And you better not say anything bad about me Hillary or I’ll get you too.

HC – Oh, A-oh-see, I don’t feel bad about Bill.  He got what was coming to him.  No sweat.  We all love you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite, that’s what you are.

 

NRS – So that’s our story, no commentary just an introduction to one of the very special members of the Bizarro Zone.

Suddenly President Trump busts in from in front of the narrator and we realize that the whole scene is taking place in a sound stage.

PT – Alright that’s enough.  Officers, arrest these idiots and we’ll straighten everything out at the jail.

AOC – You’re not real.  I destroyed you along with the rest of the world a year ago.

PT – Look, you, fruitcake.  When you losers were swept out of power in 2020, I didn’t balk when MTV sponsored a reality show to let your deluded followers imagine what it would be like without the normal people but when Bill Clinton ends up as an OD victim at Bethesda that’s where I pull the plug on this thing.  We’ll transition most of you into a hospital for the criminally insane but for now we’ll set you up at Guantanamo Bay until you become less dangerous.  Okay boys drag them out.

Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 1)

Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Nancy Pelosi (NP); Al Gore – (AG); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO);

 

Scene 1- Unknown Office building; 8 pm Mid-July

A narrator, who looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Rod Serling circa 1961, is standing in front of a map of the United States

NRS – Tonight’s cautionary tale is most unusual and requires that we imagine the following.  Here behind me is a map of the United States.  But what if suddenly it disappeared (whole map goes dark except one point of light) and all that was left was a tiny dot called Washington D.C.?  Now imagine that within this tiny world there was no longer radio, television, the internet, telephones, gas engines or even electricity.  And assume that the only thing that farmers were allowed to grow was vegetables.  No beef, pork, chicken or fish.  And finally imagine that even wishing for any of these things was now a death sentence executed by a monster.  If you can imagine all that you’ve just entered the Bizarro Zone (well I couldn’t use the real name).

Scene 2 – A ramshackle farm building with peeling paint and a wooden porch with a porch swing with an old haggard woman fanning herself with a piece of paper.

NRS – And here is the lair of the monster, a farmhouse with all the misery of pre-industrial life on display.  Over there in the swing on the porch is Aunt Nancy Pelosi, she once had the most influence over the monster but one time she hinted that maybe eliminating all private jets wouldn’t be a “good thing” and she was reduced to the cracked-brain non-gavel wielding hag you see before you.

NP – Hey not so much of the hag thing.  I just got another facelift and I’m a damn good-looking babe, you male chauvinist pig.

NRS – As I was saying, the monster does not like to be contradicted.  Oh, and I’ve forgotten to introduce the monster.  She’s a bug-eyed petulant millennial Latina from the Bronx who can’t even spell climatology but don’t be fooled.  There’s a nasty mean streak behind that googly eyed expression and what passes for a brain is completely in charge of her surroundings.  Meet Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or as she’s known to her fawning minions A-oh-see. (swift view change to show AOC trying to get something unstuck from between her horse teeth with her pinky nail, then noticing the camera and glaring in a cross-eyed scowl.

Scene 3 – Same farmhouse from the viewpoint facing the road.  An overweight man (Al Gore) on a delivery bicycle is straining along the driveway to the house.  On the ground in front of the house A-oh-see is playing in the dust.  He pulls up in front of her.

AG – Hi, there A-oh-see.  My it’s good to see you today.  Whatcha doing there?  Whatever it is it’s sure good, but I was just wondering what you were doing there.

AOC – I was figuring out how many white men it takes to pull a wagon for ten women of color in the next Cinco de Mayo parade.

AG – Oh, that’s a real good thing.  Why I never knew so much good figuring going on as you sure can do.

AOC – Yeah, go away now, you’re starting to make me mad.

(Gore quickly scurries away toward the house.  He carries some boxes into the kitchen and addresses Michelle Obama who is shucking corn in the sink)

AG – Hello Mrs. Obama, it’s certainly a good day today and we all just love A-oh-see so much, that’s right, she was out there figuring and figuring and it was just great.

MO – Hello Al.  Yeah, it’s certainly a great day all right and we’re real happy here, we are.

AG – I brought you some things for the party tonight.  I’ve got corn flour and whole wheat flour and baking soda.

MO – Have you got any white flour for the cake?

AG – Oh, we don’t have any more of that.  Not since A-oh-see explained to us just how evil white is.  No, we don’t want none of that, we don’t.  I mean we used to think it was useful but it’s real good that A-oh-see set us straight on that.  Well not straight, we don’t say straight no more we don’t, no sir, I mean no ma’am, Ma’am.

MO – Yeah, it’s funny how you forget how things used to be when you could just say something without being afraid.

AG – Oh, it’s good that you said that but I don’t think you mean it because it’s much better now that we don’t say anything that A-oh-see says is bad.  It’s real, good.

MO – That’s right, it’s real, good.  But last week when she was denouncing honey because it was stolen from bees, she got so excited from screaming that her eyes were extra bulged out and I thought maybe her blood pressure might be reaching maybe five hundred or something, mumble, mumble, mumble…

(Al Gore looking panicky and grabbing his box and heading for the door)

AG – I better be getting on, but can you let A-oh-see know that I got her corn flour that she likes so much?  Can you tell her it was me who got it specially for her?

MO – I sure will Al.  But don’t worry she hates you much less than most other white men.

Scene 4 – Same farmhouse, upstairs where Barack Obama is putting on his tie for the party.  He looks in the mirror and sees A-oh-see staring at him in her friendliest cross-eyed frown.

BO – Oh, hi there, A-oh-see.  It’s good that you were standing behind so quiet like.

AOC – None of the other congress persons came to play with me today.  I wanted congress persons to play with today.

BO – Yes, it’s good that you wanted them to come but last time you denounced Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Congressional Black Caucus as a Zionist collaborator and they shaved her head and painted it red.  Folks were awful upset about that.

AOC – But I want to play with other congress persons.

BO – Tell you what, we’ll invite some of the rinos.  They’ll be so grateful just for being asked that they’ll come even if you do denounce them.  they’re used to it anyway.  Anyway, A-oh-see everybody loves you.  You’re everybody’s favorite.

AOC – But I remember one time that somebody thought bad things about me.  I can’t remember who it was.  Who was that?

BO – Oh, that was Joe Crowley, after you beat him in the primary.  He said you weren’t qualified.  But don’t worry, Michelle had the FBI and the IRS defenestrate him so he won’t bother you anymore.

AOC – That’s right Joe Crowley, he was a bad white man, a very bad white man.  I hate anybody who doesn’t do what I want.

BO – But everybody loves you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite.  Now come on, let’s get ready for the party.

 

To be continued …

Trump vs the Shutdown Address

Announcer (who sounds amazingly like the late Don Pardo):   We interrupt your usual sad programming to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.

President Trump:  Good evening my fellow Americans and also, you tens of millions of criminal aliens living among us.  I’m here tonight to discuss something very important so put down your bong or your cannabis vape or whatever other brain killing device you prefer and listen and try to understand the words coming out of my mouth, you losers.

The Congress is refusing to fund the wall so I have no choice but to take care of the job myself.  I have personally put in a bid on ebay for the Great Wall of China, which by the way isn’t all that great and my bid of forty million dollars was accepted so within the month hundreds of thousands of communist Chinese workers will shift from making Apple smart phones to building the wall on our southern border.  You may ask how I can afford to get the wall for forty million when I told Congress I needed five billion dollars.  Well it’s simple.  All the tariffs I’ve enacted and all the competitive manufacturing happening in America has put a dent in the Chinese Dragon and the Little Red Book really is in the red now so they’ll work for peanuts or even fortune cookies so to speak.  Interestingly enough the wall is much longer than our southern border so I’ll use the rest of the bricks to put walls around the sanctuary cities and starve out the inhabitants and deport the illegals as they exit.

And finally, I had ICE look into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and what do you know?  Nobody can find a birth certificate on little miss big mouth.  So, I deported her to Mexico today and as soon as someone can prove she’s a citizen we’ll let her back in.  But that’ll probably get me at least a few days of quiet.  In the coming months I have several other projects that I will either self-fund or crowd fund depending on the circumstance.  But either way I think keeping the government shut down is the way to go.  I’ll be laying off most of the useless departments like Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development.  I figure in about eleven months the Democrats will be willing to talk turkey just about in time for Thanksgiving.  Well anyway, I’m done talking so you can resume watching your brain rot and sucking down your daily dose of poison.  Try to do something useful today you hopeless degenerates.

Trump out.

Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart

Dramatis Personae:  Robert Iger – (RI);  The Ghost of Walt Disney – (GWD);  Steven Spielberg – (SS);  Robert De Niro – (RD);  President Trump – (PT);

Scene 1 – Robert Iger’s Office, Steven Spielberg and Robert DeNiro are sitting facing Iger’s desk.

RI – Look Steve and Bob we’ve got to do something about this Oscar mess.  ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we’re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training.  And considering the money we’re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.

SS – Robert, why don’t we have Bob over here do the hosting?  Everyone loves him.  He’d be great.

RD – Yeah, Robert, I’ll kill it.  I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we’ve purged this year.

RI – Are you insane?  We’re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies.  Can’t you try and be human?

SS – Robert, what’s wrong with playing to our base?

RI – Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn’t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years.  We’ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I’m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel.  Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?

SS – How about Tom Hanks?

RD – No good.  Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling.  That’s hate speech.

RI – Great Caesar’s Ghost!  Doesn’t GLAAD ever take a break?

SS – I’m sorry Robert, Tom was our last straight man that hasn’t been #MeToo’ed.

RI – Alright you two idiots, get out of here.  I’ve got to have some quiet so I can think.

Scene 2 – Robert Iger’s bedroom that same night.  Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.

RI – What can I do?  I’ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling.  What can I do, what can I do.

Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger’s bed.

GWD – Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?

RI – Is that really you Walt Disney?

GWD – No I’m Tupac Shakur.  Of course, it’s me, you idiot.  You’ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall.  What’s the matter, are you blind?

RI – I just can’t believe you’re really here.

GWD – Well, it’s not as if I had a choice.  I can’t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.

RI – But what can I do?  The only man who isn’t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.

GWD – The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes)  And when you wake up you’ll have the answer.

Scene 3 – Host’s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.  President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.

PT – Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood.  I’m here because I’m the only living man in these United States who isn’t afraid of the Outrage Police.  So, I’ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.

Well I can do a lot better than that.  How about four minutes?  All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you’ve nominated.  And I’ll tell you something else.  If you don’t start making movies like they did in the last century you’ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade.  My vote is for Deadpool 2.  Oh, and DeNiro, you suck.  Trump out.

Trump vs the Acostafication of Press Corps Nation

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA);   Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG);  Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ);  Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV);  Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)

 

White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm

(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)

 

PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules.  I will now walk you through them.

First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone.  This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question.  Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit.  It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it.  Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice.  Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder.  Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit.  After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.

Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.

(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)

PT – Okay let’s see who’s first.  How about you Major?

MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.

PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name.  What’s your question?

MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?

PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist.  You next Hallie.

MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!

PT – Major you weren’t next.  Bet that stings though.  Hallie, you’re next.

HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.

PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?

CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?

PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid.  Al Drago, any question?

AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures?  Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?

PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order.  First, hah!  Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua.  You have a question Jim?

JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.

PT – That’s not a question.  Major you’re next.

JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.

MG – Can I give my question to Jim.

PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.

HJ – Still no question sir.

PT – Cecilia?

CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?

PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game.  And that brings us back to you Jim.  Care to take another crack at it?  But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.

(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)

JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?

PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim.  You’re such a good boy!  Catch the treat!

Trump vs the Sixty Minutes Sitdown

Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment

ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes.  Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump.  By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip.  Let’s take a look.

(Cut to the recorded interview)

PT – Hello End-Lesley.

ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – Where the hell did that come from?

ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page.  I mean good evening President Trump.  Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – That’s better.  Don’t want to confuse the audience.  Who’s Mueller?  Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles?  No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?

ES – Uh, sure but hold up.  You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.

PT – Okay fine.  I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet.  He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms.  I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows?  He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile.  Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.

ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!

PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set.  Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done.  If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing.  What else have you got?

ES – Fine!  How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?

PT – First off, she’s not a doctor.  She’s more like a yoga instructor.  Secondly, she’s got too many names.  Tell her to pick one.  And third, you call that making fun?  I was being nice!  That woman is a fruit cake.  She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue.  Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room.  I’d have mocked them right out of the building.  You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.

ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.

PT – Really?  That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts.  So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper?  Please don’t make me laugh.  If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.

ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.

PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped?  How about Juanita Broaddrick?  And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted?  How about Kathleen Willey?

ES – But that was a long time ago.

PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.

ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!

PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.

ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  (runs off stage)

PT – Good night End-Lesley.

(Voice coming over the tape)

ES – How could you televise that?  That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard.   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

Mourning Morning Shmoe

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);  Producer Jorge – (PJ);  President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;  

MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe.  Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe.  Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter.  But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely.  Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed  country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime.  Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just.  Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way.  A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters.  And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute.  China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really?  Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles?  I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second.  I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out.  Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog?  Mr. Toodles?  After all he did for you?  Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe.  I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

LS – Put him through!  I want to tell him what I really think of him.

PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra.  I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.

LS – Go to hell Trump.  We won’t let you divide us.

MS – Exactly!

LS – Exactly!

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer!  You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old!  I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen.  Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two.  It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor.  He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang.  The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that.  You have to apologize to me.

MS – What?  Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly.  So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes.  He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size.  And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe!  We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.

MS – Very well, you villain.  We’ll do it.  What must we say.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me.  I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished.  I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so.  And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours.  Till then rejoice.  Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again.  Trump out.

Trying to Write Satire in the Age of the Resistance

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains.  Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp.  I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless.  Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance?  A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity.  How can I compete with that?  I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning?  Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh.  That might work!  But I will have to work on the details.  Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings?  Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes?  Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black?  These are tough questions to decide on.  I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy.  If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies.  And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world.  Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament.  Life has completely swamped out parody and satire.  There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to.  They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda.  I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal.  They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck.  I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great.  But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance.  I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men.  It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight.  Almost.  But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win.  Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf.  I’m going with squid.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

 

Mourning Morning Shmoe