Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 4

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

 

Scene 1 – Bridge of the USS Ronald Reagan off the shore from Washington D.C., Thursday 1155 hours.  Present on the bridge are crew of the USSRR and President Trump (PT), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Secretary Mattis (SM), Melania Trump (MT), Peter Thiel (PTh)

PT- General Baldwin, are we ready to implement the Musk protocol?

GAD – On your command, sir.

PT – Go!

(General Baldwin flips three switches on a panel on his desk console)

GAD – Cruise missile with explosive warhead will impact in twenty seconds.  Cruise missile with tantalum slug will impact 3 seconds after.  One megaton thermonuclear device is awaiting your command.

PT – Go!

(Baldwin flips a fourth switch)

GAD – Nuke will detonate in two minutes.  Flash guards are in place.  Prepare for turbulence.

(two minutes later the aircraft carrier is buffeted by a shock wave that knocks several of those standing to the floor)

PT – General, what is the status of the target?

(several service personnel cluster in front of an instrument panel attempting to restore the main console to life.  Slowly an image appears as the mushroom cloud clears away.  the ship remains in place)

GAD – Negative result.  The target remains.

PT – Mattis, where is Musk?

SM – As you anticipated, he escaped on his private aircraft shortly after your … erm … morale boosting speech.  His aircraft was admitted to the alien space ship a little while before the launch of your attack.

PT – What is the status of the space ship?

GAD – Radar shows the ship is in motion on a heading that will put it above us in five minutes.

PT – Put in a call to the “negotiations team”

(on the main console can be seen Obama, Gore and Musk seated and surrounded by several of the aliens.  the humans are all obviously pleased and quite relaxed)

BO – Well Donald, who could have imagined your presidency ending like this?  Elon said it was easy convincing you that tantalum was the answer.  Sorry it didn’t work out.

PT – So what does the future hold for you three?  Surely your new masters will dispose of you once they finish off the rest of our military.

EM – Far from it.  We have convinced them that we can provide information that will allow them to effectively harness a valuable natural resource, namely a large intelligent slave labor force.  Also, as it turns out, they like to eat meat.

PT – How delightful.  Thiel do your stuff.

Peter Thiel moves over to the main console and the screen splits between the image of the conspirators and a telephoto view of the approaching space craft.  Thiel presses several buttons and throws a switch.  The audio from inside the ship registers a high pitched squeal and the video from that half of the screen goes black.  At the same time on the other half of the screen the ship ceases forward motion and falls out of the sky like a stone.

PTh – Mr. President, the device has successfully disrupted their drive.

PT – General what is the current situation of the space ship?

GAD – Mr. President, the ship is falling at terminal velocity and will strike the Atlantic Ocean surface in a little over two minutes.

PT – Thiel, what do your bright boys think will happen when it hits.  Will the occupants survive?

PTh – Doubtful sir.  Without anti-gravity they will experience an instantaneous  stop from about 100 miles per hour.  And since the ship is not built to support its own weight against gravity it will fracture and sink to the bottom immediately.  Also the contact between the warp drive and sea water will be explosive.  Basically a total loss.

PT – Too bad.  I guess we’ll have to try to save one of the other ships when we take them down.

SM – But Mr. President, we can’t hope to gain admittance to a ship a second time.  They’ll immediately begin to destroy our cities.  And after the failure of the tantalum to disrupt their shield we are helpless to stop them.

PT – Yeah, about that.  Thiel, do the exposition.

PTh – Certainly Mr. President.  Elon was the only traitor on his team.  Tantalum does perform as he said it would.  But Mr Musk substituted another material for tantalum in the slugs he provided us.  Luckily the only other slugs he had were depleted uranium and the low-level radiation was detected and tipped us off to the deception.  When we figured out what was intended we switched Elon’s cell phone with one that would spray molten tantalum all around the control room of the alien spacecraft once triggered.

SM – So we can proceed to attack the other space ships with the tantalum sandwich approach.

PT – Yes.  Hey I like that phrase, tantalum sandwich.  Let’s say I thought it up.

SM – Sure …, …  sir.

PT – Good.  So, here’s the plan.  Get a team together at the Area 51 producing the tantalum tipped cruise missile payloads.  Work out a schedule for taking down the local ships but prioritize taking down the mother ship.  Get it to crash on the moon.  That’s our best hope of providing intact equipment to reverse engineer.  Thiel will tag along with the research team that Musk had and it will be his job to shepherd all this technology so it stays in American hands only.

GAD – But why weren’t they aware of how dangerous tantalum is to their systems and why didn’t they have counter measures?

PTh – The only thing we’ve thought of so far is that the star system these aliens came from did not have all the elements we have here on earth.  Tantalum is a fairly heavy element.  These elements are produced in fairly rare stellar events and they are not equally distributed around the cosmos.  I guess you could say it’s just blind luck.

PT – Alright, Carl Sagan, that’s enough.  Now get to work.

PTh – Yes Mr. President.  (under his breath) (what a jerk).

MT – Oh Schmoopy, you are the action hero.  Like Bruce Willis.

PT – But with better hair!

MT – Ahhh … …, sure.  But Schmoopy, how will we fix all the things the bad aliens have broken?

PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, with the technology we’ll get from the aliens and my leadership we can make this a better and happier world.  As long as the democrats don’t screw it up again.

MT – So true Schmoopy, so true.  You are the wise man.

PT – And you are a wise woman for knowing it, Schmoopy.

PTh – Now I remember why I’m gay.

PT – Shaddap Thiel.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

 

Scene 1: Thursday, 1145 hours USS Ronald Reagan flight deck,  On a raised platform is President Trump (PT), at the microphone, behind him on chairs are various government and military dignitaries and some celebrities and foreign leaders that appear to have been snatched away from their lives without notice.

PT – Okay people it’s time.  In a few minutes the greatest battle ever fought will begin and we will vanquish the evil ugly and reputedly smelly enemy or we will die.  Now I’m not talking about Hillary.  She’s already taken care.  In fact, she’s still bobbing around behind us.  I think she’s still trying to catch up to us but it’s not going to happen, it’s too late.  She’s too low energy.  Forget her.

No, I’m talking about the space aliens.  Have you seen these things?  Sure, they’re not as uncoordinated as Hillary but even she doesn’t smell as bad as these things.  I mean really, it’s awful.  So even if we didn’t have a beef with these guys wanting to steal our planet we still would want to get rid of them because of that smell.  And wouldn’t you know? What are they?  That’s right, illegal aliens.  They’re breaking our laws by being here.  And the aliens aren’t sending us their best probably.  They’re probably criminals without valuable skills.  I mean sure they know about interstellar travel but who needs that?  What’s there?  Probably just more smelly aliens and bad food and food poisoning like Montezuma’s Revenge.  And what do they want?  They want our jobs and to live off of welfare.  Also, they want to blow up all our cities.  Now a lot of those cities didn’t vote for me.  In fact, if there were no more large cities I’d win every election and we’d have enormous majorities in both House and Senate and I’d be able to make all kinds of good changes and we’d get amendments to the Constitution that would be fantastic.  But there wouldn’t be anymore Trump Tower or the Mets or Yankees so there is that.  Well anyway they want to blow up the cities and they want to take all our minerals and water.  So, we’re gonna have to whack all of them.

Now you may say how is Trump gonna do that?  How can he destroy star ships with force fields and giant lasers and antigravity?  Well I can.  I’ve got Elon Musk and he’s got tantalum which is a real thing and he’s figured out what will destroy these alien losers.  Now Musk is not my favorite nerd because he’s all about global warming and electric cars and other stupid things that don’t work.  But that’s because he was getting paid off by Obama who also isn’t my favorite but who I’ve sent to talk to the smelly aliens.  Anyway, I got Thiel who is my favorite geek to talk to Musk and I told him I’d let him wet his beak with whatever we get from the alien ships.  So, he got his nerd factory cranking on Ritalin and they came up with this tantalum thing which is a real thing and not a hoax. But if it is a hoax I’ll tie him to a missile and use his big fat head to knock a hole in the alien ship.  But that won’t be necessary because he knows where his bread is buttered.  So, the plan is in place and now all of you servicemen are going to get to work.  And maybe even some of you servicewomen if you actually know what you’re doing which I doubt.  But just stay out of the guys’ way and maybe make some sandwiches or something and some good strong coffee which always helps in cases like this.  I like pastrami if it’s lean and you have good brown mustard.  But I don’t suppose there’s good deli on this floating airport.  Well anyway, the important thing is we’ve got a big job to do and we’d better get to it.  But remember when you’re working with the missiles and the jets and the boat engines that you’re part of something great.  Because you’re working for me.  That’s right.  Even though you work for a sergeant or a general or an admiral, remember they work for me.  I’m the Commander-in-Chief of all of you.  I sign your check and I make sure you have the bombs you need and the food you eat.  Hillary wouldn’t have given you bombs and food.  She didn’t like the military because she doesn’t like men.  It’s like Rosie O’Donnell only Bill’s Hillary’s beard.  And you don’t work for the Congress.  They can’t even get out of their own way to get the budget done every year.  I mean, Little Marco, Captured McCain, Fauxcahantas, Cryin’ Chuck and Lyin’ Ted?  Give me a break.  And how about JEB!  He couldn’t even deal with human aliens.  He’d probably marry one of these things just to show how fair he is.  And forget about the rest of the world.  Right now, the Europeans and the Russians and Chinese and the rest of those foreigners are getting their clocks cleaned by these goons.  I’m going to take care of this problem for the whole world.  But they won’t even reimburse me for the costs.  I mean, I bet this tantalum stuff ain’t cheap and I know Musk is gonna charge top dollar.  But you have to pay for good help so I’ll fork it over.  It’s a good deal.  So anyway, remember this is about making America great and also keeping it from being blown up.  But don’t think there will be any United Nations rodeo clowns in blue helmets helping us out.  There won’t be and I wouldn’t want them if they offered.  Americans get the job done on their own.  Period.  So, remember that and do a good job and you’ll be able to say you helped Trump win this war.

And one last thing, any hope that a cease fire would occur is gone.  A message from the ship announced that Gore and Obama, after reviewing the aliens environmental record, decided to throw in with the aliens.  Well both of those guys smelled funny to begin with so that’s probably for the best

So remember, this is a fight to the death so don’t hesitate.  Give it everything you’ve got.  And I promise when we win, each and every one of you, even you ladies, will receive a very nice gift package including Trump steaks, Trump knives and a very nice picture of me with a beautiful facsimile signature that is just as good as though I actually signed it.  Trump out.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

 

Scene 1: Bridge of the Aircraft Carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off shore from Washington DC.  Thursday 8AM EST.  In attendance Admiral Harmon (AH), officers and crew of the USSRR, President Trump (PT), Secretary Mattis (SM), Elon Musk (EM), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Al Gore (AG), Hillary Clinton (HC), Barack Obama (BO)

 

PT – Okay Steve, we’ve got everyone here we’ll need.  Start the exposition.

SM – Mr. President, we’ll start with an update by General Baldwin on the current status of the ships above our cities.  Then Mr. Musk will review the status of his team’s scientific results.  Finally, former President Obama will speak as representative for the “Resistance,” whatever that means.

PT – Okay General, what can you tell us?

GAD – Mr. President, Gentlemen and Madame Secretary… (interrupted by Hillary)

HC – Stop right there you militaristic sexist Neanderthal.  It’s not Madame Secretary anymore it’s Mix Secretary.  Join the 21st century you deplorable despicable … (Trump interrupts)

PT – General, wait a second.  Admiral, have two seamen escort Hillary off the bridge and throw her over the side.

AH – Literally?

SM – Better hurry Harmon or you’ll be next.

AH – Yes, sir.

HC – You can’t do this!  I should be President!  I had more popular vote!  He’s not qualified!  He’s not the future, he’s the past… (voice receding into the distance as she’s dragged away).

PT – Barack, Al, any problems?

AG – Right there with you.

BO – She’s not who we are.

PT – Good.  Baldwin, continue.

GAD – As of this morning 0945 hours EST the three ships located over the continental United States have moved into position over New York City, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles.  Based on the decaying signal currently bouncing through our satellites we believe they will deploy their primary offensive weapons at 1200 hours EST.  Some cruise missile tests we performed earlier confirm that these ships are completely protected by a force field that protects them from all projectile weapons such as conventional explosives.  Unfortunately, we have also determined that this shield is effective against energy weapons such as lasers or even nuclear devices.  Essentially, nothing in the American military arsenal will have any effect on these ships.  The best we can do is hide our weapons assets to delay their destruction by the small fighter ships housed in the main vessels when they are unleashed.

PT – Sucks to be us.  Any comments?

AG – Mr. President, I suggest we send a negotiation team to the local ship here over D.C. and hammer out a deal to avert this looming catastrophe.  And because we are ideally suited to see all sides of a problem, that is why myself, President Obama, I mean former President Obama and Madame Secretary Clinton, I mean the assumed late Mix Secretary Clinton joined this meeting.  We feel that our well-known empathy for aliens of all sort will allow us to prevent this crisis from ending in bloodshed or the shedding of whatever vital fluid our extragalactic visitors possess.

PT – Wow, that’s a lot of corrections.  Does Gore speak for you on this Barry?

BO – I prefer to be addressed as Nobel Peace Prize Winning Light Worker Barack Hussein Obama, Donald.

PT – I’ll bet you do but you didn’t answer the question.

BO – Maybe not how I would have said it but essentially.

PT – Good, I want you two to contact the aliens and see what you can do before we let the bright boys loose on them.

AG – You aren’t going with us?

PT – Do I look crazy?  Look no one is forcing you to go there.  If I were you, I’d see if you can negotiate at a distance but if you enter that ship you only have until noon to broker some kind of truce.  After that we’re going to war.

BO – Don’t worry we’ll be finished well before that point.

PT – Good.  General Baldwin, have your flight crew outfit our ambassadors with flight suits and prepare them for their mission.

GAD – Yes sir.  This way gentlemen.  (Gore and Obama exit the bridge).

PT – Good.  Now that those two yahoos are out of earshot Musk, fill us in on what you’ve cooked up.

EM – Mr. President, my team has worked out the physics behind the shield device and we’ve developed a counter measure.

PT – You mean you can turn it off to allow us to attack?

EM – No.  Let me give you the specifics.  The shield works by absorbing the energy of anything that impinges on the ship being protected.  During the time the energy is being absorbed, the impacted area is opaque to the shield sensors.  The ship cannot detect a second attack occurring there for at least ten seconds.  During this time the shield is still immune to energy weapons even nukes because it’s still able to absorb energy but it is vulnerable to projectile weapons to the extent that material can reach the hull.  Now the hull is incredibly strong.  It’s literally 100 feet thick and made of hardened alloy, basically proof to projectiles of any type we could muster.  But if within that ten second we can hit this opaque spot with a projectile composed of tantalum we will form a coated spot on the hull that will block the action of the shield in that area.  We assume that after the initial energy has been absorbed the shield sensors will spot the dead spot on the hull and repair systems will scrape the tantalum away rather quickly.  We approximate the time to remove the tantalum as fifteen minutes.  But during that time, we have a spot on the hull that will succumb to a nuclear blast.  So, the sequence needed is:

  • Time Zero – Initial high explosives detonation
  • 1 – 9 seconds – Tantalum projectile impact
  • 1 minute – 10 minutes – 1 megaton thermonuclear device

Any questions?

PT – Yeah, Poindexter.  Is tantalum something you made up like unobtainium or does it exist.

EM – No Mr. President. It’s a relatively common material.  There’s probably a good amount of it in your cell phone in the form of a capacitor.  It’s a refractory metal with a high melting point and chemical corrosion resistance that resembles that of glass.

PT – Yes we’re all really happy about the wonderful qualities of tantalum but what I want to know is if you’ve got any we can shoot at ET today?

EM – What kind of wunderkind would I be if I didn’t?

PT – Oh Lord give me strength.  Fine, just provide the Air Force with the details of how to incorporate your tantalum slug into our cruise missiles.  And make sure the programming of the sequence is perfect on this first one or all of us are going to wish we were somewhere else really soon after.  And hurry we have about an hour.  Mattis, has the negotiating team been blown up yet?

SM – No sir.  Their helicopter was permitted entry into the ship.

PT – Were any service member aboard?

SM – No sir.  It was remotely piloted.  We kind of like our people to live.

PT – Oh good.  Any communication back from Gore and Obama?

SM – None sir.

PT – Alright forget ‘em. We’re out of time.  Admiral, if you’ve got a chaplain that carries a King James Version have him meet me on the top deck.

AH – Yes Mr. President.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

Scene 1: NORAD Base in Alaska, 02:30 Hours PST, Wednesday

General Adam Baldwin (GAD) – Alright Airman, this better be good. I was dreaming of my tarpon fishing trip in Florida when you woke me up so what’s so important?

Airman Jones (AJ) – Sir we’ve detected an enormous UFO in high earth orbit. Dozens of smaller objects are separating from the main body and moving in a coordinated fashion toward earth. Each object is about 10 miles in length and travelling at 5 miles per second but decelerating as they approach the atmosphere.

GAD – Great Caesar’s Ghost! They’ll reach us in just hours! Put in a call to the Secretary of Defense. The President will have to hear of this immediately.

AJ – Yes, sir, I’ve got a line to his office waiting for you.

GAD – Good work Jones. Wake up the morning shift duty officer. You’re gonna need more hands. My orders.

AJ – Yes sir.

 

Scene 2: White House West Wing, 6 AM EST, Wednesday, Secretary Mattis is speaking to Vice President Pence outside the Oval Office. President Trump can be heard calling from inside.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mad Dog, get the hell in here. CNN is showing some really lousy video of space invaders and I think Wolf Blitzer just soiled himself. It’s beyond pathetic.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – (entering the room) Mr. President, if we can get beyond the unfortunate security leak, we have enormous decisions to make in a very short time.

PT – Yeah, I’ve already gotten a lot of it done. I tweeted to everyone in New York, Los Angeles and Washington to get out of town right away. That should buy us a day to get this mess cleaned up.

Secretary Mattis (SM) – Well done Mr. President. Might I suggest we take the opportunity to order all non-military federal workers to remain at their desks for the duration of the firestorm, I mean initial contact.

PT – Yeah, I did that too. Never waste a good crisis.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Not at all. It’s completely voluntary. I just told them that they’ll be earning triple time rates and mocha lattes would be free for the duration. Anyone who stays is too hopeless to care about anyway.

VPP – I think I’m in the wrong movie.

PT – Don’t worry, if I remember correctly you and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are killed when NORAD is obliterated tomorrow.

SM – Sucks to be you Pence.

VPP – You don’t know the half of it Mad Dog. But this sounds like a dream post so I’ll take my chances with NORAD.

PT – Whatever Mike. Just follow orders and I won’t have to send you up in the stupid flashing lights negotiations helicopter.

VPP – Yes Mr. President, enjoy your dream sequence. (leaves office and scene)

PT – Jim, I’m gonna skip that whole sequence where we send all our pilots to a horrible meaningless death against space ships protected by force fields.

SM – I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear it Mr. President but what will you do instead?

PT – I’ve got a little surprise cooked up for the homely buggers. What I need you to do is make sure the cruise missle fleet is ready to be targeted on a moment’s notice.

SM – That is easily arranged. But I hope you make it quick Mr. President, these guys are loaded for bear.

PT – Relax, compared to Hillary, these guys are the Three Stooges.

 

Scene 3 – Oval Office, Same Day, 9 AM, President Trump at the desk on the phone

PT – Look Thiel, I don’t care if you and Musk aren’t talking. I need you to get him and his geek squad on a telecon with me at noon your time. That’s right. And any other braniacs you know who can help me kick ET’s butt. Don’t worry the government won’t steal any patents in fact you guys are welcome to anything we come up with to solve this problem. Just hurry.
(hangs up the phone and gets on an intercom)

PT – General, get everyone out of the White House and onto Marine 1 immediately, except for that vegan pastry chef that Mrs. Trump hired. Tell her to work overtime and prepare something special for this evening. Yeah, exactly, a big surprise.

 

Scene 4 – Nevada, Area 51 Same Day, Noon PST, Clean Room Laboratory with large teleconferencing screen set up.

PT – Thiel, I wanna thank you for assembling this impressive bunch of brilliant but socially awkward science weirdos. Gentlemen your country welcomes you.
(various coughs, grunts and nasally sounding exclamations emanate from the A-V equipment)

Peter Thiel – President Trump, we’re all curious to know what needs to be done to save the Earth from this threat.

PT – It’s very simple. I need you dweebs to provide me with a heretofore theoretically impossible laser weapon powerful enough to punch through the impenetrable force fields of our super-intelligent but horribly smelly enemies out there. Oh, and I need it by tomorrow at 10 AM EST.

Elon Musk (EM) – But that’s ridiculous!

PT – Ridiculous like expecting to save energy by building electric cars that are charged off electrical grids that waste 40% of the energy in transmission losses? That kind of ridiculous?

EM – I get your point. We’ll have the weapon by 8 AM.

PT – Good, now go take your amphetamines and get to work you strange little spider monkeys. Trump out.
(the screens fade to black)

SM – What now Mr. President? Do you want to reach out to the mayors and coordinate humanitarian aid?

PT – Nah, the evacuation is strictly a precaution, the less efficient it is the less we’ll have to undo afterward. Besides most of those guys are commie jerks who hate my guts. Let them stew a little. It’ll do ‘em good. I’ve got a golf game scheduled in about an hour. I’ll see you in the morning.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs 2018

Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.

Trump vs the Unemployables

Scene 1: White House Oval Office Wednesday, 10 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as usual Mr. President (sigh).

PT – Look Mike, Unemployment is at historic lows but there is one demographic that isn’t benefiting from the fantastic Trump economy.

VPP – Gee, Mr. President, I haven’t heard this report.  Which demographic are we discussing.

PT – The anti-Trump demographic.  You know, Hollywood, the MSM and Washington.  I mean look at this list.  Matt Lauer, George H.W. Bush, Chris Savino, Roy Price, Mark Halperin, Michael Oreskes, Lockhart Steele, Bret Ratner, Dustin Hoffman, Louis C.K., Woody Allen, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, John Conyers, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Toback, Ben Affleck and Glenn Thrush.  It’s an endless list of my loser enemies.

VPP – Well sir, is it really a priority to find jobs for such obviously wealthy individuals?

PT – You’re missing the point Mike.  These cheap bastards are probably already signed up for food stamps and Obamacare.  We can’t let them free-ride on the backs of decent working Americans.  I will address this on prime-time television tonight.  Get my speech writers in here right away.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

Scene 2: Same Day, 8pm, White House, Oval Office, President seated behind desk and surrounded by audio-visual equipment.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans.  I know I’ve pre-empted Big Bang Theory or whatever it is you watch now but I need your attention, so put the bong down and try to focus.

I know you are all aware of the almost endless list of #metoo pervs.  What you may not be aware of is that almost everyone of them are my personal enemies.  Well anyway, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste an opportunity.  With all these scumbags out of work and fighting enormous lawsuits I have decided to promote a new program FEET.  That stands for full employment for the enemies of Trump.  You see the “for,” “the” and “of” aren’t included in the acronym.  That’s pretty standard.

So how it will work is that in exchange for the federal government paying off their lawsuits and keeping them out of prison they’ll be interned at a work camp in North Dakota for five years.  There they’ll spend their days providing power for the oil derricks.  I don’t have any real information yet but I’m imagining they’ll be chained to a big wheel like that one that Arnold Schwarzenegger was turning in Conan the Barbarian.  That would be kind of cool and the walking around in a circle gives the whole FEET thing a tie-in.  And they’ll spend their nights cleaning toilets and spittoons in the shale oil patch saloons and strip joints.  And I’ve given the proprietors of those establishments specific instructions if any of our boys gets out of hand with the ladies there.  Let’s just say there will be some trans-gendering that won’t have to be paid for by the federal government, if you take my meaning.  And finally, as a condition of their service they will have to take 5,000 hours of Trump harassment training.  Utilizing the latest advances in high voltage aversion training techniques they will truly learn to love the “Dear Leader” as my short fat North Korean friend would phrase it.

Okay, that’s all, you can light up another bowl of weed now.  But for pity’s sake go to work tomorrow.  We’re trying to make America great again.  Do something!  Trump out.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 53

Trump vs White House Apprentice – Part 2

Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I need your advice.

Melania Trump (MT) – Of course Schmoopy.  I am always here to advise and consent.

PT – I think that’s the Senate.

MT – Well, with all the Weinstein stuff happening I think you should make sure you have consent.

PT – Point taken.  I’m trying to decide between different events for my White House Apprentice contest.

MT – That sounds easy.  You already did the Apprentice many times.

PT – Yes, but this is for the Presidency.  It’s a much bigger deal and I have to make sure I eliminate the nuts.  We don’t want a maniac in charge of the nuclear football.

MT – This is the truth.  I remember you got yelled at by the Secret Service guy when you left this football on the golf course that time.  He seemed very upset.  I think he cried a little.

PT – Probably just sweat.  He was sweating pretty bad that day running around the golf course looking for it.  He had to pull his gun on that landscaper who was trying to open it with his Leatherman tool.  Ahh, good times.

MT – Well, Schmoopy, why don’t you try getting the information from their wives.  Wives always know if their husbands are crazy.

PT – Is that true?

MT – (rolling her eyes, derisively) Oh, believe me it’s true.

PT – But how can we get them to tell the truth about that?

MT – You should be asking who could stop them from telling the truth.  Have you ever known a woman to keep a secret about her husband on TV?

PT – I think you’ve got something there.  There used to be a show on TV in the Seventies called the Newlywed Game.  The broads on that thing were always spilling the beans on their husbands.

MT – Maybe you could use that Schmoopy.

PT – Schmoopy, you’re a genius.

MT – Remember that when I hit fifty.

PT – You’re not already?

MT – You will pay for that.

 

Scene 2: White House Broadcast Studio, The set of the Newlywed Game has been recreated right down to the cheesy theme music and Don Pardo announcer voice.

Announcer Don Pardo (ADP) – Welcome to the Newlywed Game and here’s the host of the Newlywed Game, Donalllld Trump!

PT – Thank you Don.  And who are our contestants?

ADP – All the way from Janesville Wisconsin, here’s Paul and Janna Ryan.  He loves supply side economics and sticking it to the Deplorables.  She loves raising her kids and making a loving home for them.

PT – Welcome Janna and whatsisname too.  And who else is here with us Don?

ADP – Hailing from the Sunshine State of Florida are JEB! and Columba Bush.  He likes backpacking and backpedaling on conservative positions and she loves spending time with her kids and grandkids.

PT – Welcome Columba and JEB!, I’m glad to see the Bozo makeup rash has stopped oozing, mostly.  And Don who are our last couple?

ADP – Hailing from the “Natural State, these Arkansas natives, are staunch conservative republicans.  Please welcome Phil and Mallory Clanton.  He likes fighting to restore old-fashioned gender roles and respect for women in America and she is just an old-fashioned cookie baking grannie with no stuck up about her and great respect for the alt-right.

PT – Oh for pity’s sake.  Isn’t there anything short of garlic and a wooden stake that can stop you two?

Mallory Clanton (MC) – Ahh’m nat tahred ate tall.  We is just pour country folks is awwwl.  We’s is hair tuh halp ‘Muhrca be’s great agin.

PT – Security, drag these two out and don’t be too gentle with her but watch out, I think she’s got a shiv.

Phil Clanton (PC) – Hey, any chance I can pick up a few odds and ends I left in the Lincoln bedroom?  I can get them myself if you loan me a claw hammer for the floorboards.  They’re kinda personal if you know what I’m saying.

PT – Security, definitely rough him up a bunch.  Then pull up the floor in the Lincoln bedroom and fumigate.

ADP – Well that’s all the time we have.  But we do have lovely consolation prizes for everyone (except the Clantons).  Each couple will receive a home version of the Newlywed Game and a quart of good scotch to remember how you almost got to be President of the United States.  Good night everybody.

Trump vs The White House Apprentice – Part 1

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; Monday 8 a. m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Oh, good.  Look Mike, I know you’re the VP and all that but it occurs to me that I really need to require extreme vetting on anyone who wants to be President after I’m through with the job.  And that’s either tomorrow if they tick me off and I quit or thirty years from now if I decide to hold onto the gig.

VPP – Ahhh, that not exactly true Mr. President.  You are term limited to eight years by the Constitution.

PT – Well unless I get that changed.

VPP – That’s not possible for you, only a future President could benefit from such a change.

PT – You see, and it’s just this kind of attitude that shows I’ll need to vet you extremely to make sure you’ve got the right attitude to be President.  I mean suppose you got in and then we found out you were low energy like the Bushes.  That would truly suck and so I can’t let that happen.

VPP – Yes sir.

PT – But don’t worry Mike.  You’ll be allowed to skip the early rounds and start in the semi-finals.  I’m thinking of getting some guys in at the beginning that will fill out the blooper reel.  I figure Jeb, Kasich and that crazy dame whatsername, Purina.

VPP – I think you’re talking about Carly Fiorina.  Purina is a dog food.

PT – Well yeah but you see the link.

VPP – Ahh.

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it sounds like you’ll be very busy with preparations.  If I can be of any assistance just let me know.

PT – Sure, yes me to death.  I’m not fooled but I’ll let you go.  I do have a lot to get done.

Scene 2 Oval Office:  President trump on the phone with Jeb Bush.

PT – So let me get this straight.  You’re willing to compete but you want a guarantee that I won’t say that you’re low energy?

Jeb Bush (JB) – That’s right.  I demand to be treated with the respect I’ve earned as the Governor of Florida and the brother and son of United States Presidents.

PT – Well, I think the answer to that is dependent on your definition of respect.  The first event in the competition is hosting Barron’s birthday party.  I was thinking of a traditional Bozo the Clown costume but I’m not opposed to a Crusty the Clown costume either.  Of course, the Crusty costume is cheaper to rent.  Your choice.

JB – Why that’s outrageous.

PT – I know.  Bozo has been out of the public spotlight for decades and still they demand a 15% premium at the checkout register.  Outrageous.

JB – You must be out of your mind if you think I’ll stoop to such juvenile behavior.  No self-respecting public official would allow himself to be held up to such ridicule just for the sake of your endorsement.

PT – Kasich went with the Clown from It.

JB – I’ll go with the Bozo.  But I’ll bring my own shoes.  Fungus you know.

PT – That’s the spirit.  Now make sure you’re six hours early for the party.  That make-up is tricky.

JB – Thank you Mr. President.  I’ll be there seven hours early.

PT – (hanging up the phone) I wonder if I should have mentioned the seltzer and whip cream pies?  Ahhh, he’ll figure it out.  Gee, I wonder if I can get the monkey that flings his poo.  Kids love that stuff.  Well, I do anyway.  Boy, Jeb is gonna be the whole blooper reel at this rate.

Trump vs The Weinstein Equivalence

Scene 1:  White House West Wing; Monday 8 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!!  Where the hell are you, guy?

Vice President Trump (VPP) – Right here Mr. President.  How can I help you?

PT – Mike, that slug is up to her old tricks again.

VPP – Can you be more specific, Sir?

PT – Yeah, that old witch Hillary tried comparing me to Weinstein.  I’m not gonna let her get away with that.

VPP – A twitter barrage this morning then?

PT – Not good enough.  As my hero Deadpool would say this calls for maximum effort.

VPP – Yes, but he’s usually referring to mayhem or some even worse form of ultra-violence.

PT – Well, I’m not ruling anything out yet, but I think we can limit this to non-lethal means.

VPP – Sounds like a very balanced and measured response on your part sir.

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Might I ask what avenue of attack you plan on employing?

PT – I’m gonna go after Bill.

VPP – Go after him how, particularly?

PT – Let’s just say it will involve a fishing expedition.  I want to land the Great White Whale.

VPP – What’s the bait?

PT – His favorite meal.

VPP – Never mind.  Let’s pretend I didn’t ask.

PT – Exactly.

Scene 2:  A deserted warehouse somewhere outside Washington D.C.; Midnight, Wednesday of that week.

Former President Clinton in a trenchcoat and downturned fedora walking down the sidewalk toward an opened lighted doorway.

Bill Clinton (BC) – I’m here for the Seafood Surprise.

Doorman – What’s the password?

BC – The Big Dog is on the hunt again.

Doorman – Okay, come on in.

BC – Hillary ain’t gettin’ lucky tonight!

 

Scene 3: Inside the warehouse a short time later.  A poorly lit room containing an enormous cylindrical steel tank with a glass port from which an eerie bluish light emanates.  Two men in white lab coats with clip boards stand raptly attentive at the view port.  Suddenly a squad of uniformed policemen and some plainclothesmen burst into the room through a double door.

Agent in Charge (AIC) – Alpha Squad, detain the lab personnel.  Beta Squad, set up the camera equipment.  The rest of you follow me over to the viewing port.  (over his radio) The target is secured.  Send in the VIP.

(President Trump enters the area and approaches the AIC.)

PT – Good work Bob, that was masterfully done.  Congratulate your team.

AIC – Thank you sir.  Would you like to view the subject now?

PT – Like isn’t exactly how I’d describe it, but let’s get it over with.

Stepping over to the view screen and next to a video crew actively recording, they see the otherworldly image of a giant squid fully 40 feet long cowering against one of the outlet valves while a very pasty, flabby aged man wearing an aqua lung, flippers and nothing else was performing unspeakable acts with several of the squids tentacles.  It was apparent even to the cephalopodically untrained eye that the squid was extremely embarrassed and very scared.

PT – Yeah, that’s him alright.  He was always hanging around the steam room at the New York Health and Racquet Club so, unfortunately, I can confirm that’s him.

AIC – How do you want to handle the arrest?

PT – What agencies have jurisdiction?

AIC – Off-hand I’d say the ASPCA and the shellfish division of the FDA.

PT – Fine, but make sure the newspapers get some of this footage for tomorrow’s front page.

AIC – Well, the only one that might print this is National Geographic and even they might black box it.  Personally, I’m gonna need a lot of gin to unsee this.

PT – Yeah, I’m going with witch hazel and turpentine.

AIC – That should do it.

 

Scene 4 White House West Wing, the next morning.

VPP – Sir, I’ll have to say your fishing trip has been an unbelievable success.  Former President Clinton was preemptively neutered by the attending veterinarian during his extraction from the squid tank.  The Clinton Foundation is being shut down and liquidated under the RICO laws, Chuck Schumer has decided to become a republican and Nancy Pelosi has switched from tuna salad to chicken and is retiring from Congress.  Even the New York Times has taken a vacation from bashing you and is evaluating a change in editorial perspective.  I hear they’re going to go with a headline tomorrow that says “We Were Wrong, Lock Them Up.”

PT – That reminds me, what’s going on with Hillary?

VPP – Well Mr. President, no one has seen her since yesterday but there is a report that after the giant Squid was released into the Atlantic off the Potomac some sailors reported a strange island appeared off the coast that included monolithic masonry that they said had a very strange geometry and that a winged squid-headed dragon emerged and flew straight for the Clinton town house.  After what the neighbors described as a combination of gale force winds and the screeching of a banshee they saw the Dragon carry off Secretary Clinton out to sea.

PT – Well, I’m no fan but I wouldn’t want to see that happen to anyone.

VPP – Considering how you feel about Hillary that’s quite generous of you, sir.  After all she is an old woman.

PT – Are you kidding me?  I’m worried for Cthulhu.  I mean, he’s clearly outmatched.

VPP – Point taken sir.

Trump vs Photog – Part 3 – WTF

 

Scene 1: West Wing of the White House, Monday at 7 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Bannon. Bannon!  Where the hell are you Steve?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, please stop shouting.  You fired Steve Bannon a few weeks ago.

PT – I did?  What the hell was I drinking?

VPP – I believe you were cold sober sir.

PT – This is awful.  I’m negotiating tax and policy priorities with Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Crypt Keeper Pelosi.  And I don’t have anyone with the cajones to warn me when I’m being played.

VPP – Well, Mr. President I’ve always tried to give you good advice on policy.

PT – Nothing personal Mike, but you’d bring a slingshot to a gunfight and I need someone who’d tell me to bring an RPG.

VPP – Well I don’t think Steve is in the mood to help right now.

PT – Then get me someone who is outside the Washington circle.  I need a man of the deplorables.

VPP – Are you looking for the lunatic fringe?

PT – No, someone without the tattoos and MRE stockpile.  Or at least with a minimum of either.

VPP – Well how about that guy with the blog.  What was it camera guy at Big Dipper something?

PT – You talking about photog at orionscoldfire.com?

VPP – Yeah, that guy.

PT – I threw him out last time.  He always ends up pissing me off.  But you know, his advice is usually pretty good.  And he was from Brooklyn in the day.  Alright get him down here.  And hurry, Schumer is trying to get me to put in transgender bathrooms in the West Wing.

 

Scene 2 :  West Wing, outside the Oval Office  Tuesday 10 a.m., photog is knocking tentatively on the door, while a marine eyes him suspiciously

PT – Come in photog, and close the door behind you.

Photog (PHT) – Good morning Mr. President.

PT – Sit down and have a pastry.  I have them flown in from an Italian Bakery in Queens.  They’re the best.

PHT – Thank you sir but I’m not hungry.

PT – Don’t be such a stiff.  You’re an Italian.  You know nothing important gets decided unless bread is broken.  Have a sfogliatella.

PHT – Sure, thanks.

PT – And have some coffee.  It’s the best in the world.  I have it cold brewed fresh every day.

PHT – Thanks I will.

PT – Alright, now that I’ve put you at ease, I need you to give me some information and maybe advice.

PHT – What do you want to know?

PT – What are the real people thinking?

PHT – Mr. President, they’re confused and worried.  They’re seeing how useless the republicans in Congress are and they don’t know if you can make them do the right thing.  Ryan and McConnell are either useless or working against you.  McCain is actively siding with the Democrats and you’re mending fences with Chuck and Nancy.  Plus the White House seems to be pushing for amnesty for illegal aliens and now you even seem to be reneging on the Paris Accord decision.  A lot of people think you’ve lost your nerve or are being blackmailed by Mueller.

PT – What about you?  Is that what you think?

PHT – I was willing to wait until you actually committed on some of these things.  But it does seem like things are getting a bit confusing.

PT – Boy, I gotta say.  You people are a bunch of rabbits.  You can’t win a negotiation if you don’t even get the other side to come to the table.  Don’t you think I know how the optics look when you’re courting the victim, I mean partner?  You’ve got to speak their language a little to loosen things up.  It’s not like I’m gonna let Cryin’ Chuck get what he wants.  I just want him to think he got the best deal he could.

PHT – Well, I sure hope you’re right. I’d hate to go into the mid-terms without the country feeling like you can get the country moving in the right direction on immigration.  After all you said there was gonna be a wall and so far there isn’t.

PT – Look I’m working all the angles and I’ll have a policy in place that will satisfy the anti-immigration agenda.  But it’s going to take time.  What I need to know is what can I do short-term to keep the natives from getting restless?

PHT – I’d say the best thing you can do is stomp on all of George Soros’s zombies.  Go after Antifa and BLM and Sanctuary Cities with everything you’ve got.  Make’em squeal and get their leaders in jail where they belong.

PT – That’s pretty strong medicine.  It’s gonna be tough to get the FBI and the DOJ to work with me on that.

PHT – Well. You asked me what would get you some street cred with your voters.  That’s what it’ll take.

PT – You know it’s funny.  You never have any good news for me.  Only lousy jobs to do.  Why is that.

PHT – Because you say you want to be the greatest president.  That means you have to save the United States from the cancer that’s been allowed to metastasize throughout the country for a century.  Chemotherapy isn’t fun and no one smiles at the doctor when he starts the infusion.

PT – Man, are you grim.  Look, thanks for the information.  But do me a favor.  Before you come back here next time, make sure you’re on your meds.  Your brand of industrial strength pessimism is too much for even my self-confidence.

PHT – Well Mr. President, you know, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”

PT – Okay, Nostradamus, you’re done.  Don’t let the Oval Office door hit you in the butt on the way out.  And don’t call us, we’ll call you, maybe.

PHT – Goodbye Mr. President.