Trump vs the Acostafication of Press Corps Nation

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA);   Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG);  Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ);  Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV);  Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)

 

White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm

(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)

 

PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules.  I will now walk you through them.

First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone.  This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question.  Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit.  It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it.  Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice.  Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder.  Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit.  After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.

Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.

(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)

PT – Okay let’s see who’s first.  How about you Major?

MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.

PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name.  What’s your question?

MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?

PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist.  You next Hallie.

MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!

PT – Major you weren’t next.  Bet that stings though.  Hallie, you’re next.

HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.

PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?

CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?

PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid.  Al Drago, any question?

AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures?  Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?

PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order.  First, hah!  Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua.  You have a question Jim?

JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.

PT – That’s not a question.  Major you’re next.

JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.

MG – Can I give my question to Jim.

PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.

HJ – Still no question sir.

PT – Cecilia?

CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?

PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game.  And that brings us back to you Jim.  Care to take another crack at it?  But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.

(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)

JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?

PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim.  You’re such a good boy!  Catch the treat!

Trump vs the Sixty Minutes Sitdown

Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment

ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes.  Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump.  By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip.  Let’s take a look.

(Cut to the recorded interview)

PT – Hello End-Lesley.

ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – Where the hell did that come from?

ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page.  I mean good evening President Trump.  Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – That’s better.  Don’t want to confuse the audience.  Who’s Mueller?  Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles?  No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?

ES – Uh, sure but hold up.  You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.

PT – Okay fine.  I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet.  He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms.  I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows?  He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile.  Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.

ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!

PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set.  Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done.  If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing.  What else have you got?

ES – Fine!  How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?

PT – First off, she’s not a doctor.  She’s more like a yoga instructor.  Secondly, she’s got too many names.  Tell her to pick one.  And third, you call that making fun?  I was being nice!  That woman is a fruit cake.  She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue.  Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room.  I’d have mocked them right out of the building.  You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.

ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.

PT – Really?  That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts.  So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper?  Please don’t make me laugh.  If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.

ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.

PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped?  How about Juanita Broaddrick?  And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted?  How about Kathleen Willey?

ES – But that was a long time ago.

PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.

ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!

PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.

ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  (runs off stage)

PT – Good night End-Lesley.

(Voice coming over the tape)

ES – How could you televise that?  That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard.   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

Trying to Write Satire in the Age of the Resistance

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains.  Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp.  I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless.  Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance?  A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity.  How can I compete with that?  I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning?  Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh.  That might work!  But I will have to work on the details.  Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings?  Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes?  Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black?  These are tough questions to decide on.  I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy.  If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies.  And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world.  Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament.  Life has completely swamped out parody and satire.  There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to.  They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda.  I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal.  They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck.  I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great.  But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance.  I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men.  It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight.  Almost.  But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win.  Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf.  I’m going with squid.

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

 

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Beginning of story linked above

Dramatis Personae – Kasey – (KY); Stacey – (SY); Macey – (MY); TV Announcer – (TV); President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – Living room of Kasey, Stacey and Macey, three mid-thirty something career women living the dream in a one room apartment in Manhattan and “loving every minute of it.”  Tuesday night 8pm

(Kasey, Stacey and Macey are binge watching the whole run of the series “Girls”, all three speak with about the same extremely exaggerated “valley girl” rising pitch interrogative speech pattern.)

KY – Oh, this is that great episode with Allison Williams and her butt?

SY – Oh, that is the best episode?

MY – Oh, I love this episode?  Hey, where did it go?

(point of view changes to face the tv screen and suddenly a test pattern interrupts the brilliant and tasteful representation of post millennial Sodom and Gomorrah)

TV – We interrupt this amateur proctological exam for a special message from the President of the United States.

KY – Oh, that’s so unfair?

SY – So totally unfair?

MY – This sucks?  And not in a good way?

(the image of President Trump appears on the screen in front of a huge double heart pierced through by an arrow)

PT – My fellow Americans and more specifically fertile unmarried Americans.  I come to you tonight to address a serious problem that is a threat to the future of this great nation.  Namely, that you young idiots are too stupid and selfish to figure out how to get married and have children.  If you were allowed to fail to reproduce it has the potential to cripple the future work force and devastate the society we live in.  So as much as it pains me to actually interact with you losers, I your president, will step in and save you from your own imbecility.

So tonight, I am rolling out a new program.  I am calling it Momma Melania’s Match Making Service and along with the tax and education benefits, I will sweeten the deal for the first million couples by throwing in a free obstetrics and pediatric plan along with a free box of Trump genuine imitation Cuban cigars for the doting new fathers.

(now Melania Trump walks into the center stage wearing a form fitting blue outfit adorned with red double hearts)

MT – That’s right, you women will no longer have to work at your horribly boring jobs, live in your teeny tiny apartments eating your ramen noodles and talking to your cats.  Schmoopey, I mean Mr. President Trump will find you beautiful men with strong muscular arms and big shoulders and piles of gold.  They will give you children by the sexy loving and you will raise these children and watch tv.

PT – Uhhh, sure.  And you so called men out there.  Here’s your one and only chance to escape from your parents’ basements and actually grow up.  If you follow through on this deal and not only get married but manage to somehow produce offspring, I can guarantee that we will keep you employed and help you raise a family the way your fathers did it, with a living wage job and a stay at home mom for your kids.  Now understand, nobody’s gonna be rich and nobody’s gonna marry Snow White.  But let’s face it, you’re not exactly Prince Charming.  If you were, you wouldn’t still be in the basement.  But you are a generation that got the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama economic/cultural shaft.  You bore the full brunt of industry off-shoring and industrial strength feminism, you poor bastards.

MT – Oh Schmoopey don’t be so mean to them, they will make very wonderful husbands for these women.  So, ladies, throw away your birth control pills and burn your power skirt and buy a cookbook and an apron.  Instead of being that sad, confused Lena Dunham you can be like me a happy, humble stay at home mom.

PT – So that’s what humble costs a month.   …….     Well, anyway you people will have to work out the details yourselves.  I’ve assembled a crack team of forensic psychiatrists to separate out any actual serial killers from the run of the mill psychopathic Americans so although we can’t guarantee Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart at least you’ll probably survive the courtship.  But this is a limited time deal so first come first served.  Call the number on your screen and join the real world, you losers.  Trump out.

(scene shifts back to the three girls watching tv in the living room)

KY – Oh, that Trump is such a jerk?  We love Lena Dunham?

SY – Oh, he is such a sexist?  Why would we want to have children, right Macey?

(Macey is reading the number off the tv and keying it in)

MY – Uh yeah, about that, I’ve been living here for ten years and if instead of living in this rat hole with the two of you, five cats and Lena Dunham, someone says I can have my own family then even if my new husband looks like Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, I’m all in.

KY – Well, you will definitely be sorry?  Won’t she Stacey?

(Stacey has begun copying the number from Macey)

SY – Well, I don’t want to get stuck with the real losers after the good slackers are all taken.  Sorry Kasey.

KY – Hey, give me that number!  I don’t even like cats.

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Wednesday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, with Vice President Pence in a chair facing him)

VPP – So let me see if I understand this Mr. President, you want me to advocate for today’s feminist, godless, sex-obsessed women to forsake their materialistic and anti-traditionalist ways and embrace modesty, chastity before marriage, motherhood and deference to their husbands.

PT – Well sure, if you say it like that it sounds like a snooze.  But if we put the Mad Men to work on this we can make it sexy as hell and they’ll be breakin’ down the doors to sign on.  Remember, young people are idiots.  Think of the incredibly stupid things they buy into.  You can convince them that a guy in a dress is a woman and that Obama is smart.  So if you give them something that actually works and just convince them that it’s edgy and original you could stampede them to the altar in a mob.

VPP – Don’t you think it’s dangerous to manipulate people about something as serious and vital as marriage?

PT – Look, we’re not trying to scam anyone, it’s your job to get the sequence and the motivation all straight.  Make sure they wake up from the millennial malaise they’ve been immersed in and commit to something that gives meaning to their muddled existences.  It’s up to me to make the sales pitch compelling and hook them.

VPP – Well I sort of see what you mean sir, but there are other considerations that could make all this moot.  For instance, nowadays it takes two incomes to survive and where does that leave our happy couple who want to raise a family?

PT – Way ahead of you.  That’s part of the bait I’m putting on the hook.  I’m going to propose that the federal government will rig the tax structure to provide married couples that want a stay at home mom to raise their kids with a matching credit to match the husband’s salary.  And this credit will continue until the kids are eighteen or even twenty-two if they take a useful college or vocational program.

VPP – But that will cost trillions!

PT – Yep.  But we’ll be couple it with the end of welfare.  No more single women raising children on welfare.  Any man who fathers a child will pay for it and unless he’s in prison he’s going to live with his family.  And with the women staying home with the kids men will be in demand again in the job market.  Salaries will rise and eventually we won’t even need to tilt the tax code very much.

VPP – You’ve thought this through I can see but I must confess I can’t imagine how you’ll make old fashioned marriage sound good to millennials.

PT – Actually, I’m gonna let Ivanka and Melania do most of the work on recruiting these young idiots.  And all you really have to do is convince the girls.  The boys will follow them like moths to a flame.  I was thinking of something along the lines of Momma Melania’s Match Making Service.

VPP – Have you spoken to the First Lady about this idea?

PT – Not yet, but how could she refuse to save her country from childless collapse.  In fact I’ll call her now.  (gets up from the desk, walks to and opens the door and starts shouting into the corridor)  Schmoopey, Schmoopey.  Schmoopeyyyyy!!!!

MT – (entering from the hallway)  Schmoopey stop shouting.  The picture of the Obama fell off the wall.

PT – I need your help.  We must save American womanhood from barren, childless loneliness.

MT – Oh no you do not.  You are staying right here.  No more Stormy the pornos for you or I will make you very, very sorry and the Secret Service will be too, too late to save some of you.

PT – No, no Schmoopey, I need you to teach the young women of America how to be good wives and mothers.

MT – Oh, this I can do Schmoopey.  I am full of the mother stuff.  I will teach them about make-up and shopping and finding a good maid.  I will need to freshen up my wardrobe to do this right.  Maybe three million dollars?

VPP – Just like Martha Washington.

To Be Continued …

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)

PT – Mike   …   Mike   ….   MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Pence, what the hell?  Am I in this alone?

VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”)  No sir, here I am front and center.

PT – Okay, whatever.  Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.

VPP – Certainly.  What can I do?

PT – So you’re from Idaho.

VPP – Indiana.

PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.

VPP – Uh, where is this going?

PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.  Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.”  So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there.  First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad.  And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.  I mean I think they’re onto something there!  Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.

VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.

PT – I don’t mean the show.  I want to know how this works in real life.

VPP – but it isn’t real life.  It’s a work of fiction.

PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?

VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.

PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up?  I mean come on!  Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about?  Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?

VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

PT – See, that’s your problem.  You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say.  You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.

VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.

PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies.  But what if it’s brightened up?  You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.

VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.

PT – Times may change but people don’t.  The things that made people happy back then still do.  It’s all how you sell it.

VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?

PT – Of course not.  They know I’m not Ward Cleaver.  They think I’m Caligula.  But you actually are Ward Cleaver.  For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman.  You’re the guy they think should be running the country.  We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.

VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.

PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?

VPP – Indiana!  Yes, I do. ……… You’re right.  What can we do?

PT – Relax.  By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.  By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.  And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.  But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.  I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.  And that’s what I need your help with.  This is definitely one of those heartland things.  We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.  You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing.  We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.

VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.

PT – Don’t be so shocked.  So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.

VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.

PT – Yeah, I do!

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Link above to first episode

 

 

Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down.  It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse.  Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey?  Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald.  You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week.  And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures.  And he has a yellow highlighter.  And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting?  You’re right.  This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike.  Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me.  The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day  10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike.  I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) …  In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress.  It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh.  When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me!  Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones.  Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest?  I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it.  I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller?  Fair and honest? ………..   Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon.  We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout.  Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that.  Yeah, well, I changed my mind.  Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts.  But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great.  But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party.  It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door.  Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear.  You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair.  The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera.  Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat!  I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do.  I’ll shred you with my bare hands.  Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I?  Hey untie me you boobs.  I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate.  Two trillion dollars?  He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way.  Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh.  It all worked out fine.  Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike.  But, by the way, I remember everything you said.  Numbskull?  That’s gonna cost you Mike.

VPP – I meant Schmoopey?

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae: Chuck Schumer (CS); Kamala Harris (KM); Richard Blumenthal (RB); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); Mitch McConnell (MM);

Scene 1: Capital Building, Senate Floor, Senate Confirmation Hearing for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

MM – I’m going to open up questions to Justice Kavanaugh from the Minority Party now.  The approved agenda lists Senator Kamala Harris as the first senator.  Please proceed Senator Harris.

KM – Good morning Justice Kavanaugh.

BK – Good morning Senator Harris.

KM – Justice Kavanaugh, I’m going to be blunt and to the point.  I think your originalist pose concerning the Constitution is a sham.  I accuse you of lying to this body and harboring feelings of racial hatred, misogyny and homophobia.  I believe you are in league with this illegitimate President and your nomination is an act of treason that should be punishable by death.  Well what do you have to say to that?

BK – Oh, did you say something?  I’m sorry I was checking the box scores from the baseball games yesterday on my phone.

KM – How dare you disregard the questions of this august body.

BK – You mean there was a question in there?  I thought you were just letting off steam.  Look, I know you’re not very bright.  I figured if I just let you blather on for a while you’d eventually wander off and have sex with some power broker or other in the area.  Is Willy Brown still alive?  Have you moved on to the other Willy yet?

KM – That’s assault, that’s assault.  Someone, arrest him.

BK – No, it’s not assault.  Trust me I’ve written the book on it.

(Kamala Harris flees the room screeching and waving her arms over her head.)

BK – Bye Kam.  Next!

MM – Justice Kavanaugh, this is highly unorthodox!

BK – Sorry Senator, I lost ten bucks on one of those ballgames and it really rankled.  I’ll try to be nicer for the next chump, I mean Senator.

MM – Senator Blumenthal has the floor.

RB – How dare you Kavanaugh!  How dare you!  Senator Harris is a rising star of the Senate and the voice of a new generation in America.  I feel like coming over there and striking you across the face.

BK – Now hold on, Blumenthal, as is my right as an American I do adhere to the second amendment and practice concealed carry and now that you’ve threatened me, if you take one step toward me I’ll be forced to put two rounds through your center of mass.  And it is a .45, so think for a second.  I mean I’d hate to do it.  You already look dead so it would sort of be like shooting a stuffed animal.  I mean, sure it’s good target practice but kind of unfair.  And for the record are you one of the undead or some kind of animatronic manikin?   You look awful.  Why don’t you follow Kamala outside I hear you’ve got cash.

(Senator Blumenthal dodders out of the chamber and collapses at the chamber doors.  An EMT team trundles him out on a gurney.)

MM – Please Justice Kavanaugh, I’ve got to work with these people!

BK – Sucks being you.  But, hey I’ll be nice if they will.  Scout’s honor.

MM – Alright Senator Schumer you’re next on the list.

CS – Ahhh, well ahhh.

BK – Hi Chuck.

CS – No further questions.  I move we take it to a vote.

MM – Sold.  Alright Justice Kavanaugh, you are excused now.  And please, could you skip the State of the Union addresses for the next couple of years?  Some of us old folks have weak hearts.

BK – Believe me Mitch.  I could use the distance too.  You really should have this place steam cleaned or something.  It’s like a biohazard around here.  Well, bye!

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3