Trump vs the Bad Boy Image

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Robert Mueller – (RM); Chuck Schumer – (CS), Melania Trump – (MT)

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.

 

PT – Mike. Mike, Mike!  Pence, where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?

PT – Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They’re through the roof.

VPP – Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.

PT – Exactly. Don’t you see what this means?  They loved the porn star thing.  I’ve got to do something to capitalize on this.

VPP – Sir, didn’t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?

PT – Relax, Holy Roller, I’m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun.  Don’t you see?  This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun.  They’re living vicariously through me.  Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can’t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better.  So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.

VPP – And you don’t see how this can go wrong?

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Very well, I’ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.

PT – That’s the spirit little guy. Well, I’m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.

VPP – God speed Mr. President, God speed.

 

Scene 2 – Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; “Trump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,” “Trump teepees Jerry Brown’s Earth Day Observance,” Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,” “Trump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.”

 

Scene 3 – Inside Chuck Schumer’s Senate Minority Leader’s Office – Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.

 

CS – I tell you Mueller you’ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren’t already completely incoherent.

RM – Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason.   Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won’t do it because they’re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.

CS – Well, I simply can’t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it’s too much.

RM – Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I’ll do what I can.

CS – (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.

 

Scene 4 – White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.

 

PT – Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff.  Look  (holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, now really!

PT – Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.

VPP – But where will this all end, sir?

PT – Who cares? I’m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl’s locker room.  And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau’s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.

(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)

PT – Trump here, go!

MT – (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?

PT – Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!

MT – No Schmoopey, I don’t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault.  I mean why have you been mean to the other children?  Crying Chuck’s Mom was over and she was very sad.  She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop.  And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.

PT – Schmoopey, you don’t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive.  It’s kill or be killed.

MT – Well if you’re not going to play nice with the other kids then you’re not getting a story tonight.

PT – Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don’t think Cryin’ Chuck does bad stuff?  And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill?  Why don’t they get in trouble?

MT – Because they’re not my Schmoopey and they don’t get the best stories in the world.

PT – Fine I’ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again.  And the democrats will win the mid-terms.

MT – No they won’t. You are the best President Schmoopey.  You know you will win anyway.  Just play nice.

PT – Okay fine. Now that you’ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?

MT – Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.

VPP – That’s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.

MT – Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).

PT – Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board.  How about we just abolish the IRS?

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 3)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT), Vice President Pence – (VPP), Melania Trump – (MT), Jay Leno – (JL)

Scene 1 – Air Force One – Midway between Washington and Los Angeles.  President Trump and Vice President Pence.  Thursday 2pm EDT.

PT – Mike, it’s go time.  The First Lady has left the White House and the Secret Service says she’s going to see a divorce attorney and a really good one too.

VPP – Mr. President, I don’t see what you can do now.  You’ll just have to let events take their course.

PT – No mike, no.  I must win her back.  It would be a crushing blow for the country if I was humiliated in this way.

VPP – Really!  That’s what you’re worried about?

PT – Of course, my oath of office is a sacred duty.  Surely you understand this.

VPP – Ahhh.  Okay sure.  Look Mr. President, my advice doesn’t seem to be working for you.

PT – That’s true Mike.  So far, you’re batting zero.  But you’re very holy and I think you can pull something out of the air for me.  What do you know about holy forgiveness stuff.

VPP – Well, I remember from theology class that in the Middle Ages Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV knelt in the snow for three days to get forgiveness from Pope Gregory VII.

PT – Did it work.

VPP – Yes, it did.

PT – But Melania’s not the Pope.  She’s a million times hotter looking than the Pope.  And that’s not a homophobic thing either, it’s just obvious.  So, I don’t think the snow thing is the right angle.  But I can work with this.  That’s it.  I’ll do an Emperor Henry a la Trump.

VPP – I’m sort of afraid to ask how that would look.

PT – Don’t worry.  I’ve got this whole thing scoped out.  What I need you to do is get the Secret Service to locate these individuals and bring them to Las Vegas.

VPP – Wouldn’t that be kidnapping.

PT – Nonsense they’re all patriotic Americans and will do anything they can to save the country from crippling depression.

VPP – Actually I think these two are Britons.

PT – Close enough.

 

Scene 2 – Same Day 8pm PDT – Las Vegas, Nevada – Main concert hall of the Trump Casino. The stage is filled with television camera equipment and set up as a bad imitation of the old Jay Leno Tonight Show stage.  Sitting in his usual position is Jay Leno (noticeably dressed for auto maintenance) and opposite him on the couch is President Trump in a late 1970s powder blue disco outfit with platform heels and a very large orange afro wig.

JL – And we’re back?  Mr. President, I seem to have been kidnapped by the Secret Service.  Could you please fill me in on why exactly that is?

PT – Jay, that is completely fake news.  You have been enlisted in a very important cause.  We live in a very polarized country and only you Jay Leno have the moral authority necessary to broker an honest deal for me.

JL – Well that’s extremely flattering Mr. President but I’m just a comedian.  I wouldn’t know how to bring the American and North Korean peoples together on the road to peace.  That’s for ambassadors and statesmen.

PT – What are you talking about?  I need you to help me apologize to Mrs. Trump for the porn sex thing.

JL – Oh, sure, sure.  I’ve been in Hollywood and Las Vegas for decades.  That stuff is old hat.

PT – Don’t fool yourself Jay.  At heart Melania is an old-fashioned girl.  She’s gonna need something special to be won back.  I’m pulling out all the stops and I’ll need you on your A-Game.

JL – You can depend on me Mr. President.  True love is the greatest force in the world, I think.  Either that or nitro afterburners.  They’re powerful too.

PT – Focus Jay.  I’m about to perform a miracle not seen since the 11th century, an Emperor Henry.  Just read the cue cards I’ve provided and I’ll do the rest.

JL – And welcome back to this special broadcast of the Jay Leno show coming live to you from beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.  Apparently, I’m your host tonight Jay Leno and we’ll be talking to President Trump about some pretty important but personal matters.

PT – That’s right Jay.  I, your President, am able to handle any number of impossible tasks flawlessly and simultaneously all while battling the fake news networks and the treasonous actions of the Deep State and the evil Democrats.  But even a man as amazing and wonderful as me sometimes makes a small error.  Now I won’t go into details because they are only important to one person, the First Lady, but because I need this message to reach her wherever she is I’ve activated the Emergency Broadcast Service to pre-empt all other television and reach out to her.

JL – That’s truly frightening Mr. President.

PT – Shut up Jay and read your cards.

JL – Sorry.  So, Mr. President, is there any significance to your outfit?

PT – Yes Jay.  This outfit represents the garb we wore back in 1977.  That is the time when the top song in the country was “Baby Come Back” by Player.  And I’ve assembled the surviving band members and reunited them here to play their classic hit for Mrs. Trump.  And I know once she hears the lyrics and sees my Emperor Henry she’ll realize how important for the country her forgiveness is.

JL – You know, that almost makes sense.

PT – Shut up Jay and introduce the band.

JL – Sorry.  And now coming to you direct from a triumphal comeback tour of Princess Cruise Lines Caribbean Delight Program, here they are “Player.”

(several fairly geriatric musicians begin to play a subdued version of Baby Come Back while President Trump adds his own stylings and some disco moves).

Spending all my nights

All my money going out on the town

 

PT – And that’s a lot of money all right.

 

Doing anything just to get you off of my mind

But when the morning comes

I’m right back where I started again

Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

 

PT – That’s right Schmoopey, you can blame it all on me.  I’m strong and can take it.

 

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado

Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear

But as the sun goes down

I get that empty feeling again

How I wish to God that you were here

 

PT – That’s right God wants us back together and he knows best.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

Now that I put it all together

Give me the chance to make you see

Have you used up all the love in your heart

Nothing left for me

Ain’t there nothing left for me

 

PT – Very, very little left for me.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, listen, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

I was wrong, and I just can’t live

 

PT – Wrong, very wrong, just can’t live without you Schmoopey.

 

(President Trump returns to the couch as the song ends)

JL – Well I’ll have to say Mr. President, I’ve never seen or heard anything like that in my life.

PT – Yes Jay, love conquers all.

(the phone rings and the First Lady’s voice is heard over a speaker).

MT – Schmoopey, I saw your song and dance.  I know it was from your heart.  Nothing else could explain it.  I feel my love returning.

PT – Schmoopey, I am so happy.  Is all forgiven?

MT – It will be when you send me the Hope Diamond and a picture of the ‘ho with two black eyes.

PT – Done and done.  I’ll have my jeweler and the Secret Service get to work on both those items within the hour.

(the phone call and the television broadcast both finish)

JL – Well Mr. President, that was actually quite impressive.  I guess there isn’t anything that the power of the US government can’t do.

PT – Not really.  I was originally trying to get Elton John to sing “Sorry Seems to Be the Saddest Word,” but he refused.  He was still mad about a crack I made about his hair.

JL – You made a joke about his hair?

PT – Shut up Jay.

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1: Trump Tower, Executive Suite.  Monday 1pm.  President Trump and Vice President Pence face to face around a small round office table.  The table is littered with coffee cups and crumpled legal paper.

PT – Also no good?  Alright, how about this one?  Ten years ago, Putin knew that I was destined to be President.  So, in order to destroy me he drugged me with Spanish fly and brainwashed me into sleeping with Stormy Daniels.  It makes sense, right?  It’s some form of Russian collusion and in a way my brain which is like a computer was hacked by Putin.

VPP – Stop!  Enough!  I’m sorry Mr. President but that’s enough.  I can’t listen to even one more of these insane lies.  I know you’re desperate but there isn’t one chance in a trillion that anyone, and I mean anyone would believe any of those stories.

PT – But then what can I do?

VPP – I know it’s a little late in the game but have you thought of the truth and an apology?

PT – Mike, that’s a brilliant idea.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Anyway, I’m going home right now and put your brilliant strategy into effect.  Who knows?  If this goes well I might even start telling the truth to Congress.

VPP – Mr. President, please take some time before you speak to her and try to understand her feelings about what you will be telling her.  This will be a devastating conversation and you must be sensitive to her emotions and let her sense your sadness and contrition.

PT- Look Mike you came up with a good idea but don’t get all Dr. Phil on me.  I think I know a thing or two about the ladies if you know what I mean.  I’ll pour on the Trump charm and prove just how large my hands really are if you catch my drift.  See ya Mike.  (exits the room.)

VPP – Great Caesar’s Ghost.  She’s going to murder him.

 

Scene 2 – Tuesday morning 3am outside the Vice Presidential Residence.  Two men supporting a third man between them.  The third man shakily ringing the doorbell.

VPP – (voice speaking over the intercom)  Is that you Mr. President?

PT – Help me Mike.  Please help me.

VPP – I’m buzzing you in. (the lock buzzes open).

 

Scene 3 – The Vice-Presidential Parlor.  President Trump is slumped back on a chaise longue.  He has several small bandages over cuts on his face, a noticeable black eye and a bag of ice sitting on his groin.  The Secret Service agents appear embarrassed and Vice President Pence is standing nervously fiddling with his robe belt looking down on the President.

PT – You set me up Mike.  I went into the lion’s den like some kind of roman martyr.  I told her the truth and told her Stormy was over-rated as far as the sex went and that I’d make it up to her in the sack and that she didn’t look bad at all for her age.

VPP – Oh good grief.

PT – You have no idea.  She went for the family jewels again so I curled up in a fetal position like they tell you to do with bears.  But she was ready for that.  She worked the face and and kidneys.  She must have studied MMA or jiu-jitsu at some point.  It took six Secret Service agents to get me out of there alive and two of them are at Walter Reed.  One of them probably isn’t going to pull through.

VPP – Mr. President, I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

PT – Have you ever known me to exaggerate?

VPP – Never mind.  How would you like me to help you?

PT – Well after that lousy advice I need you to redeem yourself and come up with an idea to fix this mess you’ve gotten me into.

VPP – (some strangled muffled sounds come from the Vice President’s throat and then there is quiet).  Certainly Mr. President.  I’ll attempt to provide you with better advice.  Is there anything else I can do for you this morning?

PT – Yeah Mike.  Can you get Mrs. Pence to make us some more eggs?  This experience has been extremely taxing.

(more strangled sounds come from Pence and he leaves).

PT – He’s a great guy when he’s on his game.  Alright guys help me into the dining room.

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence (VPP);

Scene 1 – Front Entrance to the Vice-Presidential Residence Monday, 3 am.  Three figures standing in the shadows.  The middle figure rings the door-bell.

VPP – (His loud, angry voice coming out of the front door intercom) – Who’s ringing this bell at this hour.  I’ll have the Secret Service down there to arrest you, you crazy fool.

PT – (The middle figure now whispering into the intercom) – Shhhhh Mike!  It’s me and I’m here with the Secret Service.  Now let us in!

Scene 2 – Immediately afterward in the front foyer of the VP Residence.  President Trump and Vice President Pence facing each other with four Secret Service Agent forming a perimeter around them.  Both VPP and PT are in pajamas and robes.

VPP – Mr. President, has there been an attack or a disaster.

PT – Both.  Mrs. Trump watched the Stormy Daniels show on tv and attacked me.  It was a disaster.

VPP – But why are you here at this unnatural hour.

PT – Well I couldn’t stay there.  She keeps taking shots at the family jewels.  That body armor I’m wearing doesn’t do a damn thing for groin shots.

VPP – But what can I do about that?

PT – Mike I need to use your guest bedroom for a while.  And I need you help.  She’s really mad!

VPP – Mr President, it’s just that Mrs. Pence is not one of your bigger fans.  She thinks you’re a bad influence.

PT – Boy, that seems judgmental.  I mean, I never said anything bad about her.  Well I can be the bigger man.  But look Mike, you owe me this.  If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be the second most powerful man in the world.  You’d still be the governor of Oklahoma.

VPP – Indiana.  For Pete’s sake I was the governor of Indiana.

PT – Indiana, right, right that’s right.  Sorry, yes.  But come on Mike, you gotta help me out.  I need some time to figure out a plan.  Maybe a present or a vacation.  Something to give her a chance to cool down.

VPP – Alright Mr. President.  Come on in.  The Secret Service will set you up in the guest room.  I’ll see you at breakfast.  Good night.

PT – Thanks Mike.  I’ll never forget you for this.  Good night.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence Dining Room, 9 am, same personnel.

PT –  Boy, Mike, the eggs are pretty crummy here.

VPP – I don’t know Mr. President, I’ve always thought MY WIFE makes a very nice breakfast!  And by the way, my wife is still talking to me.  If you get my meaning.

PT – That’s what I said.  These eggs are really YUMMY!  That’s right I said yummy.

VPP – That’s what I hoped you said.

PT – And what a lovely woman Mrs. Pence is.  I’ve always thought she was the best.  Yes sir, I did.

VPP – Thank you sir.  Now what is your plan?

PT – Well, I tossed and turned all night and came up with three different plans.  I’ll present them and you tell me which one sounds best.

VPP – Very good sir.

PT – Okay.  So my first idea is amnesia.

VPP – Amnesia?

PT – Amnesia, yeah.

VPP – But how?

PT – Whaddya mean?

VPP – Well how did you get amnesia and how did it end up causing you to have sex with a porn actress?

PT – Well, it could have happened in any number of ways.  Do I have to spell it out for you?

VPP – I don’t think it’s me you’re going to have to spell it out to.  But if you really propose using an amnesia defense I think there better be more than just the word amnesia.

PT – Fine.  Ahhhhhh, so something like this.  I was walking down Park Avenue near Trump Tower when a small child came out of nowhere and ran into traffic.  I hurtled over pedestrians and snatched up the infant out of the street just as a taxi was streaking by.  I leaped back to curb and deposited the newborn in its mother’s arms.  But by a horrible stroke of bad luck a brick broke loose from the building façade and struck me on the head.  My thick vibrant head of hair blunted the death blow but I was rendered amnesiac.  I forgot that I was currently married and just at that moment a passing bus with a Victoria’s Secret ad caught my eye.  And the rest was fate.

VPP – Vibrant?

PT – Too much detail?

To Be Continued

 

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1  Note: this is a link to the first installment of this story.

 

Dramatis Personae:

President Trump (PT)

Sargeant at Arms (SAA)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (PR)

Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)

Newt Gingrich (NG)

Melania Trump (MT)

 

Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address

 

TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address.  I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich.  Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?

NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.

TB – Thanks.  Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event.  Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?

NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker.  This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address.  And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing.  In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”

TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing.  Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?

NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight.  Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.

TB – Quite.  So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.

SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!

TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating.  What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President.  These congresspersons certainly love this President.

NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee.  Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth.  Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan.  As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud.  If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.

TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere.  Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress.  Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.

PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.

(Long and loud applause.)

PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker.  Thank you, Paul.  It feels strange to be thanking you Paul.  Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss.  I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it.  But now I’m almost fond of you.  You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice.  And Mitch McConnell, what can I say?  You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in.  It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do.  If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.

Now, you Democrats are a different story.  You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings.  Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower.  Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin.  His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark!  And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer.  The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections.  That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.

But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights.  He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him.  Quite a tribute.  And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison.  When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD.  That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish.  Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does.  And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.

And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest.  By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier.  At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying.  You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves.  Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.

And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials.  You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.

I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery.  I’d like to  welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her.  But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.

MT – Kurba!

PT – And Melania welcomes you too.  Trump out.

(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)

NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners.  This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again.  Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out.  Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie.  Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech.  But first a word from our sponsor.

 

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 3

 

 

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1

Scene1: White House West Wing, 8am, President Trump (PT) calling for Vice President Pence (VPP)

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Mike!!!  Where the hell are you Pence.

VPP –  Right here Mr. President.  I was on the phone with Ryan and McConnell.  They wanted a copy of your speech to help coordinate the standing ovations.

PT – Tell’em to forget about that bull.  I don’t want them cheering.  Tell them to keep their seats and keep quiet.

VPP – Oh no.  What are you planning Mr. President?

PT – I plan on using the speech to wake some people up and put some rats on notice.

VPP – Sir, the State of the Union speech is intended to report to the people on where we are as a nation.

PT – Well Mike, despite the fact that the economy is starting to come to life do you really think there is any reason for standing ovations?  I’m going to tell them the truth.  I’m going to talk about the FBI and the Justice Department and how they’re being run like the KGB with crooked operations targeting Americans because of who they are and not what they’ve done.  I’m gonna talk about Lisa Page and Peter Strzok.  America will love what the FBI is up to on their dime.  I’m gonna talk about McCabe and Mueller and Comey and the “Secret Society” they cooked up against me.  I’m gonna make their hair curl.

VPP – Oh good grief.  Mr. President, I’m asking you to reconsider.  You’re going to scare the American people.  We have the midterms coming up and we can’t have the electorate thinking of us as the crazy party.

PT – Look Pence, you’re gonna have to man up or I’ll have to say you have the flu and couldn’t come.  Besides this is gonna be great.  The people are gonna get this 100%.  You’ve gotta remember they’re used to seeing bureaucrats shake down citizens.  They’ll rally to me when I give them the details of the plot.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’ll do my best to keep on my game face.

PT – That’s the stuff.  Besides once Cryin’ Chuck begins weeping you won’t be able to stop laughing.  It’s that funny.  Anyway, get Sessions down here.  I was thinking that it might be fun to have the Secret Society rounded up and perp walked right during the middle of the State of the Union address.  I want to see if he can arrange that on queue from me at the podium.  Do you think it would be undignified if I had the Marine Corp Band play “Nananana Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” by Steam during their exit?

VPP – No sir, not for you.  In fact, now that I’ve heard about it, I guess even I’d be disappointed if you didn’t play it.  But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, what about that Linda Rondstadt song that goes “You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good, I’m gonna say it again!”

PT – No you’re not gonna say it again.  No I prefer Steam.  It’s a classic.

VPP – As you wish sir.

PT – Exactly.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 4

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

 

Scene 1 – Bridge of the USS Ronald Reagan off the shore from Washington D.C., Thursday 1155 hours.  Present on the bridge are crew of the USSRR and President Trump (PT), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Secretary Mattis (SM), Melania Trump (MT), Peter Thiel (PTh)

PT- General Baldwin, are we ready to implement the Musk protocol?

GAD – On your command, sir.

PT – Go!

(General Baldwin flips three switches on a panel on his desk console)

GAD – Cruise missile with explosive warhead will impact in twenty seconds.  Cruise missile with tantalum slug will impact 3 seconds after.  One megaton thermonuclear device is awaiting your command.

PT – Go!

(Baldwin flips a fourth switch)

GAD – Nuke will detonate in two minutes.  Flash guards are in place.  Prepare for turbulence.

(two minutes later the aircraft carrier is buffeted by a shock wave that knocks several of those standing to the floor)

PT – General, what is the status of the target?

(several service personnel cluster in front of an instrument panel attempting to restore the main console to life.  Slowly an image appears as the mushroom cloud clears away.  the ship remains in place)

GAD – Negative result.  The target remains.

PT – Mattis, where is Musk?

SM – As you anticipated, he escaped on his private aircraft shortly after your … erm … morale boosting speech.  His aircraft was admitted to the alien space ship a little while before the launch of your attack.

PT – What is the status of the space ship?

GAD – Radar shows the ship is in motion on a heading that will put it above us in five minutes.

PT – Put in a call to the “negotiations team”

(on the main console can be seen Obama, Gore and Musk seated and surrounded by several of the aliens.  the humans are all obviously pleased and quite relaxed)

BO – Well Donald, who could have imagined your presidency ending like this?  Elon said it was easy convincing you that tantalum was the answer.  Sorry it didn’t work out.

PT – So what does the future hold for you three?  Surely your new masters will dispose of you once they finish off the rest of our military.

EM – Far from it.  We have convinced them that we can provide information that will allow them to effectively harness a valuable natural resource, namely a large intelligent slave labor force.  Also, as it turns out, they like to eat meat.

PT – How delightful.  Thiel do your stuff.

Peter Thiel moves over to the main console and the screen splits between the image of the conspirators and a telephoto view of the approaching space craft.  Thiel presses several buttons and throws a switch.  The audio from inside the ship registers a high pitched squeal and the video from that half of the screen goes black.  At the same time on the other half of the screen the ship ceases forward motion and falls out of the sky like a stone.

PTh – Mr. President, the device has successfully disrupted their drive.

PT – General what is the current situation of the space ship?

GAD – Mr. President, the ship is falling at terminal velocity and will strike the Atlantic Ocean surface in a little over two minutes.

PT – Thiel, what do your bright boys think will happen when it hits.  Will the occupants survive?

PTh – Doubtful sir.  Without anti-gravity they will experience an instantaneous  stop from about 100 miles per hour.  And since the ship is not built to support its own weight against gravity it will fracture and sink to the bottom immediately.  Also the contact between the warp drive and sea water will be explosive.  Basically a total loss.

PT – Too bad.  I guess we’ll have to try to save one of the other ships when we take them down.

SM – But Mr. President, we can’t hope to gain admittance to a ship a second time.  They’ll immediately begin to destroy our cities.  And after the failure of the tantalum to disrupt their shield we are helpless to stop them.

PT – Yeah, about that.  Thiel, do the exposition.

PTh – Certainly Mr. President.  Elon was the only traitor on his team.  Tantalum does perform as he said it would.  But Mr Musk substituted another material for tantalum in the slugs he provided us.  Luckily the only other slugs he had were depleted uranium and the low-level radiation was detected and tipped us off to the deception.  When we figured out what was intended we switched Elon’s cell phone with one that would spray molten tantalum all around the control room of the alien spacecraft once triggered.

SM – So we can proceed to attack the other space ships with the tantalum sandwich approach.

PT – Yes.  Hey I like that phrase, tantalum sandwich.  Let’s say I thought it up.

SM – Sure …, …  sir.

PT – Good.  So, here’s the plan.  Get a team together at the Area 51 producing the tantalum tipped cruise missile payloads.  Work out a schedule for taking down the local ships but prioritize taking down the mother ship.  Get it to crash on the moon.  That’s our best hope of providing intact equipment to reverse engineer.  Thiel will tag along with the research team that Musk had and it will be his job to shepherd all this technology so it stays in American hands only.

GAD – But why weren’t they aware of how dangerous tantalum is to their systems and why didn’t they have counter measures?

PTh – The only thing we’ve thought of so far is that the star system these aliens came from did not have all the elements we have here on earth.  Tantalum is a fairly heavy element.  These elements are produced in fairly rare stellar events and they are not equally distributed around the cosmos.  I guess you could say it’s just blind luck.

PT – Alright, Carl Sagan, that’s enough.  Now get to work.

PTh – Yes Mr. President.  (under his breath) (what a jerk).

MT – Oh Schmoopy, you are the action hero.  Like Bruce Willis.

PT – But with better hair!

MT – Ahhh … …, sure.  But Schmoopy, how will we fix all the things the bad aliens have broken?

PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, with the technology we’ll get from the aliens and my leadership we can make this a better and happier world.  As long as the democrats don’t screw it up again.

MT – So true Schmoopy, so true.  You are the wise man.

PT – And you are a wise woman for knowing it, Schmoopy.

PTh – Now I remember why I’m gay.

PT – Shaddap Thiel.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

 

Scene 1: Thursday, 1145 hours USS Ronald Reagan flight deck,  On a raised platform is President Trump (PT), at the microphone, behind him on chairs are various government and military dignitaries and some celebrities and foreign leaders that appear to have been snatched away from their lives without notice.

PT – Okay people it’s time.  In a few minutes the greatest battle ever fought will begin and we will vanquish the evil ugly and reputedly smelly enemy or we will die.  Now I’m not talking about Hillary.  She’s already taken care.  In fact, she’s still bobbing around behind us.  I think she’s still trying to catch up to us but it’s not going to happen, it’s too late.  She’s too low energy.  Forget her.

No, I’m talking about the space aliens.  Have you seen these things?  Sure, they’re not as uncoordinated as Hillary but even she doesn’t smell as bad as these things.  I mean really, it’s awful.  So even if we didn’t have a beef with these guys wanting to steal our planet we still would want to get rid of them because of that smell.  And wouldn’t you know? What are they?  That’s right, illegal aliens.  They’re breaking our laws by being here.  And the aliens aren’t sending us their best probably.  They’re probably criminals without valuable skills.  I mean sure they know about interstellar travel but who needs that?  What’s there?  Probably just more smelly aliens and bad food and food poisoning like Montezuma’s Revenge.  And what do they want?  They want our jobs and to live off of welfare.  Also, they want to blow up all our cities.  Now a lot of those cities didn’t vote for me.  In fact, if there were no more large cities I’d win every election and we’d have enormous majorities in both House and Senate and I’d be able to make all kinds of good changes and we’d get amendments to the Constitution that would be fantastic.  But there wouldn’t be anymore Trump Tower or the Mets or Yankees so there is that.  Well anyway they want to blow up the cities and they want to take all our minerals and water.  So, we’re gonna have to whack all of them.

Now you may say how is Trump gonna do that?  How can he destroy star ships with force fields and giant lasers and antigravity?  Well I can.  I’ve got Elon Musk and he’s got tantalum which is a real thing and he’s figured out what will destroy these alien losers.  Now Musk is not my favorite nerd because he’s all about global warming and electric cars and other stupid things that don’t work.  But that’s because he was getting paid off by Obama who also isn’t my favorite but who I’ve sent to talk to the smelly aliens.  Anyway, I got Thiel who is my favorite geek to talk to Musk and I told him I’d let him wet his beak with whatever we get from the alien ships.  So, he got his nerd factory cranking on Ritalin and they came up with this tantalum thing which is a real thing and not a hoax. But if it is a hoax I’ll tie him to a missile and use his big fat head to knock a hole in the alien ship.  But that won’t be necessary because he knows where his bread is buttered.  So, the plan is in place and now all of you servicemen are going to get to work.  And maybe even some of you servicewomen if you actually know what you’re doing which I doubt.  But just stay out of the guys’ way and maybe make some sandwiches or something and some good strong coffee which always helps in cases like this.  I like pastrami if it’s lean and you have good brown mustard.  But I don’t suppose there’s good deli on this floating airport.  Well anyway, the important thing is we’ve got a big job to do and we’d better get to it.  But remember when you’re working with the missiles and the jets and the boat engines that you’re part of something great.  Because you’re working for me.  That’s right.  Even though you work for a sergeant or a general or an admiral, remember they work for me.  I’m the Commander-in-Chief of all of you.  I sign your check and I make sure you have the bombs you need and the food you eat.  Hillary wouldn’t have given you bombs and food.  She didn’t like the military because she doesn’t like men.  It’s like Rosie O’Donnell only Bill’s Hillary’s beard.  And you don’t work for the Congress.  They can’t even get out of their own way to get the budget done every year.  I mean, Little Marco, Captured McCain, Fauxcahantas, Cryin’ Chuck and Lyin’ Ted?  Give me a break.  And how about JEB!  He couldn’t even deal with human aliens.  He’d probably marry one of these things just to show how fair he is.  And forget about the rest of the world.  Right now, the Europeans and the Russians and Chinese and the rest of those foreigners are getting their clocks cleaned by these goons.  I’m going to take care of this problem for the whole world.  But they won’t even reimburse me for the costs.  I mean, I bet this tantalum stuff ain’t cheap and I know Musk is gonna charge top dollar.  But you have to pay for good help so I’ll fork it over.  It’s a good deal.  So anyway, remember this is about making America great and also keeping it from being blown up.  But don’t think there will be any United Nations rodeo clowns in blue helmets helping us out.  There won’t be and I wouldn’t want them if they offered.  Americans get the job done on their own.  Period.  So, remember that and do a good job and you’ll be able to say you helped Trump win this war.

And one last thing, any hope that a cease fire would occur is gone.  A message from the ship announced that Gore and Obama, after reviewing the aliens environmental record, decided to throw in with the aliens.  Well both of those guys smelled funny to begin with so that’s probably for the best

So remember, this is a fight to the death so don’t hesitate.  Give it everything you’ve got.  And I promise when we win, each and every one of you, even you ladies, will receive a very nice gift package including Trump steaks, Trump knives and a very nice picture of me with a beautiful facsimile signature that is just as good as though I actually signed it.  Trump out.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

 

Scene 1: Bridge of the Aircraft Carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off shore from Washington DC.  Thursday 8AM EST.  In attendance Admiral Harmon (AH), officers and crew of the USSRR, President Trump (PT), Secretary Mattis (SM), Elon Musk (EM), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Al Gore (AG), Hillary Clinton (HC), Barack Obama (BO)

 

PT – Okay Steve, we’ve got everyone here we’ll need.  Start the exposition.

SM – Mr. President, we’ll start with an update by General Baldwin on the current status of the ships above our cities.  Then Mr. Musk will review the status of his team’s scientific results.  Finally, former President Obama will speak as representative for the “Resistance,” whatever that means.

PT – Okay General, what can you tell us?

GAD – Mr. President, Gentlemen and Madame Secretary… (interrupted by Hillary)

HC – Stop right there you militaristic sexist Neanderthal.  It’s not Madame Secretary anymore it’s Mix Secretary.  Join the 21st century you deplorable despicable … (Trump interrupts)

PT – General, wait a second.  Admiral, have two seamen escort Hillary off the bridge and throw her over the side.

AH – Literally?

SM – Better hurry Harmon or you’ll be next.

AH – Yes, sir.

HC – You can’t do this!  I should be President!  I had more popular vote!  He’s not qualified!  He’s not the future, he’s the past… (voice receding into the distance as she’s dragged away).

PT – Barack, Al, any problems?

AG – Right there with you.

BO – She’s not who we are.

PT – Good.  Baldwin, continue.

GAD – As of this morning 0945 hours EST the three ships located over the continental United States have moved into position over New York City, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles.  Based on the decaying signal currently bouncing through our satellites we believe they will deploy their primary offensive weapons at 1200 hours EST.  Some cruise missile tests we performed earlier confirm that these ships are completely protected by a force field that protects them from all projectile weapons such as conventional explosives.  Unfortunately, we have also determined that this shield is effective against energy weapons such as lasers or even nuclear devices.  Essentially, nothing in the American military arsenal will have any effect on these ships.  The best we can do is hide our weapons assets to delay their destruction by the small fighter ships housed in the main vessels when they are unleashed.

PT – Sucks to be us.  Any comments?

AG – Mr. President, I suggest we send a negotiation team to the local ship here over D.C. and hammer out a deal to avert this looming catastrophe.  And because we are ideally suited to see all sides of a problem, that is why myself, President Obama, I mean former President Obama and Madame Secretary Clinton, I mean the assumed late Mix Secretary Clinton joined this meeting.  We feel that our well-known empathy for aliens of all sort will allow us to prevent this crisis from ending in bloodshed or the shedding of whatever vital fluid our extragalactic visitors possess.

PT – Wow, that’s a lot of corrections.  Does Gore speak for you on this Barry?

BO – I prefer to be addressed as Nobel Peace Prize Winning Light Worker Barack Hussein Obama, Donald.

PT – I’ll bet you do but you didn’t answer the question.

BO – Maybe not how I would have said it but essentially.

PT – Good, I want you two to contact the aliens and see what you can do before we let the bright boys loose on them.

AG – You aren’t going with us?

PT – Do I look crazy?  Look no one is forcing you to go there.  If I were you, I’d see if you can negotiate at a distance but if you enter that ship you only have until noon to broker some kind of truce.  After that we’re going to war.

BO – Don’t worry we’ll be finished well before that point.

PT – Good.  General Baldwin, have your flight crew outfit our ambassadors with flight suits and prepare them for their mission.

GAD – Yes sir.  This way gentlemen.  (Gore and Obama exit the bridge).

PT – Good.  Now that those two yahoos are out of earshot Musk, fill us in on what you’ve cooked up.

EM – Mr. President, my team has worked out the physics behind the shield device and we’ve developed a counter measure.

PT – You mean you can turn it off to allow us to attack?

EM – No.  Let me give you the specifics.  The shield works by absorbing the energy of anything that impinges on the ship being protected.  During the time the energy is being absorbed, the impacted area is opaque to the shield sensors.  The ship cannot detect a second attack occurring there for at least ten seconds.  During this time the shield is still immune to energy weapons even nukes because it’s still able to absorb energy but it is vulnerable to projectile weapons to the extent that material can reach the hull.  Now the hull is incredibly strong.  It’s literally 100 feet thick and made of hardened alloy, basically proof to projectiles of any type we could muster.  But if within that ten second we can hit this opaque spot with a projectile composed of tantalum we will form a coated spot on the hull that will block the action of the shield in that area.  We assume that after the initial energy has been absorbed the shield sensors will spot the dead spot on the hull and repair systems will scrape the tantalum away rather quickly.  We approximate the time to remove the tantalum as fifteen minutes.  But during that time, we have a spot on the hull that will succumb to a nuclear blast.  So, the sequence needed is:

  • Time Zero – Initial high explosives detonation
  • 1 – 9 seconds – Tantalum projectile impact
  • 1 minute – 10 minutes – 1 megaton thermonuclear device

Any questions?

PT – Yeah, Poindexter.  Is tantalum something you made up like unobtainium or does it exist.

EM – No Mr. President. It’s a relatively common material.  There’s probably a good amount of it in your cell phone in the form of a capacitor.  It’s a refractory metal with a high melting point and chemical corrosion resistance that resembles that of glass.

PT – Yes we’re all really happy about the wonderful qualities of tantalum but what I want to know is if you’ve got any we can shoot at ET today?

EM – What kind of wunderkind would I be if I didn’t?

PT – Oh Lord give me strength.  Fine, just provide the Air Force with the details of how to incorporate your tantalum slug into our cruise missiles.  And make sure the programming of the sequence is perfect on this first one or all of us are going to wish we were somewhere else really soon after.  And hurry we have about an hour.  Mattis, has the negotiating team been blown up yet?

SM – No sir.  Their helicopter was permitted entry into the ship.

PT – Were any service member aboard?

SM – No sir.  It was remotely piloted.  We kind of like our people to live.

PT – Oh good.  Any communication back from Gore and Obama?

SM – None sir.

PT – Alright forget ‘em. We’re out of time.  Admiral, if you’ve got a chaplain that carries a King James Version have him meet me on the top deck.

AH – Yes Mr. President.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

Scene 1: NORAD Base in Alaska, 02:30 Hours PST, Wednesday

General Adam Baldwin (GAD) – Alright Airman, this better be good. I was dreaming of my tarpon fishing trip in Florida when you woke me up so what’s so important?

Airman Jones (AJ) – Sir we’ve detected an enormous UFO in high earth orbit. Dozens of smaller objects are separating from the main body and moving in a coordinated fashion toward earth. Each object is about 10 miles in length and travelling at 5 miles per second but decelerating as they approach the atmosphere.

GAD – Great Caesar’s Ghost! They’ll reach us in just hours! Put in a call to the Secretary of Defense. The President will have to hear of this immediately.

AJ – Yes, sir, I’ve got a line to his office waiting for you.

GAD – Good work Jones. Wake up the morning shift duty officer. You’re gonna need more hands. My orders.

AJ – Yes sir.

 

Scene 2: White House West Wing, 6 AM EST, Wednesday, Secretary Mattis is speaking to Vice President Pence outside the Oval Office. President Trump can be heard calling from inside.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mad Dog, get the hell in here. CNN is showing some really lousy video of space invaders and I think Wolf Blitzer just soiled himself. It’s beyond pathetic.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – (entering the room) Mr. President, if we can get beyond the unfortunate security leak, we have enormous decisions to make in a very short time.

PT – Yeah, I’ve already gotten a lot of it done. I tweeted to everyone in New York, Los Angeles and Washington to get out of town right away. That should buy us a day to get this mess cleaned up.

Secretary Mattis (SM) – Well done Mr. President. Might I suggest we take the opportunity to order all non-military federal workers to remain at their desks for the duration of the firestorm, I mean initial contact.

PT – Yeah, I did that too. Never waste a good crisis.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Not at all. It’s completely voluntary. I just told them that they’ll be earning triple time rates and mocha lattes would be free for the duration. Anyone who stays is too hopeless to care about anyway.

VPP – I think I’m in the wrong movie.

PT – Don’t worry, if I remember correctly you and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are killed when NORAD is obliterated tomorrow.

SM – Sucks to be you Pence.

VPP – You don’t know the half of it Mad Dog. But this sounds like a dream post so I’ll take my chances with NORAD.

PT – Whatever Mike. Just follow orders and I won’t have to send you up in the stupid flashing lights negotiations helicopter.

VPP – Yes Mr. President, enjoy your dream sequence. (leaves office and scene)

PT – Jim, I’m gonna skip that whole sequence where we send all our pilots to a horrible meaningless death against space ships protected by force fields.

SM – I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear it Mr. President but what will you do instead?

PT – I’ve got a little surprise cooked up for the homely buggers. What I need you to do is make sure the cruise missle fleet is ready to be targeted on a moment’s notice.

SM – That is easily arranged. But I hope you make it quick Mr. President, these guys are loaded for bear.

PT – Relax, compared to Hillary, these guys are the Three Stooges.

 

Scene 3 – Oval Office, Same Day, 9 AM, President Trump at the desk on the phone

PT – Look Thiel, I don’t care if you and Musk aren’t talking. I need you to get him and his geek squad on a telecon with me at noon your time. That’s right. And any other braniacs you know who can help me kick ET’s butt. Don’t worry the government won’t steal any patents in fact you guys are welcome to anything we come up with to solve this problem. Just hurry.
(hangs up the phone and gets on an intercom)

PT – General, get everyone out of the White House and onto Marine 1 immediately, except for that vegan pastry chef that Mrs. Trump hired. Tell her to work overtime and prepare something special for this evening. Yeah, exactly, a big surprise.

 

Scene 4 – Nevada, Area 51 Same Day, Noon PST, Clean Room Laboratory with large teleconferencing screen set up.

PT – Thiel, I wanna thank you for assembling this impressive bunch of brilliant but socially awkward science weirdos. Gentlemen your country welcomes you.
(various coughs, grunts and nasally sounding exclamations emanate from the A-V equipment)

Peter Thiel – President Trump, we’re all curious to know what needs to be done to save the Earth from this threat.

PT – It’s very simple. I need you dweebs to provide me with a heretofore theoretically impossible laser weapon powerful enough to punch through the impenetrable force fields of our super-intelligent but horribly smelly enemies out there. Oh, and I need it by tomorrow at 10 AM EST.

Elon Musk (EM) – But that’s ridiculous!

PT – Ridiculous like expecting to save energy by building electric cars that are charged off electrical grids that waste 40% of the energy in transmission losses? That kind of ridiculous?

EM – I get your point. We’ll have the weapon by 8 AM.

PT – Good, now go take your amphetamines and get to work you strange little spider monkeys. Trump out.
(the screens fade to black)

SM – What now Mr. President? Do you want to reach out to the mayors and coordinate humanitarian aid?

PT – Nah, the evacuation is strictly a precaution, the less efficient it is the less we’ll have to undo afterward. Besides most of those guys are commie jerks who hate my guts. Let them stew a little. It’ll do ‘em good. I’ve got a golf game scheduled in about an hour. I’ll see you in the morning.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2