Universal Classic Monster Movies – An OCF Classic Movie Review – Part 4 – Wolfman

Nowadays urban fantasy has gotten all highfalutin with a bunch  of flavors of wolf creatures.  There are werewolves and lycanthropes and loup garous and lycans and blutbaden and all other sub-categories of wolf metamorphosing humans.  Back in the day there were just werewolves.  And the most famous case was Larry Talbot.

Larry was a British ex-pat living in America.  He left home after a disagreement with his father.  His father was a titled Lord living on the family estate.  But when Larry’s older brother died it was time for the prodigal son to return and take up his family responsibility as the heir apparent.  As luck would have it, Larry’s arrival home coincided with the arrival of a troop of gypsies outside of the local village.  And it was at the gypsy camp that Larry would begin his personal exploration of nocturnal non-domestic canine/human feeding habits.  Larry is attacked by a werewolf who during the day is Bela the gypsy fortune teller (interestingly played by Bela Lugosi).  Bela wounds Larry but is himself killed by Larry using a silver headed walking stick.  The head of the stick is, of course, shaped like a wolf’s head.  Larry is carried back to his home where he survives his wound which heals in the shape of a pentagram (the sign of the werewolf!).  The killing of Bela becomes part of a police investigation and Larry is suspected but being a nobleman, he is not pestered by arrest or even having to appear before a magistrate.  The police inspector is forced to come visit him at the manor and all deference to his status maintained.  Meanwhile Larry is starting to feel funny and the next night he turns into a werewolf and goes on a killing spree.  After this he is desperate to believe that he is only suffering from nightmares and delusions but the evidence starts mounting up against him.  At one point during one of his nocturnal hunts, he is caught in a leg trap.  And here he is saved by Bela’s mother.  The old gypsy lady feels responsible for Larry’s plight and recites a spell over him that turns him back into a man and allows him to escape the trap.  Finally, Larry reaches the end point of his despair when he knows that his next victim is the woman he loves.  Luckily (sort of) his father manages to kill Larry with the same silver wolf headed walking stick that Larry used earlier for the same purpose.  So, the story ends on this somber scene of father looking down at the son he has just killed.  The gypsy woman recites her spell again and we’re supposed to realize that this was the merciful release and the best-case ending for poor Larry Talbot.

In terms of range of acting ability and style the Wolfman is probably the most varied of the Universal Classic Monster Movies.  On the one hand we have Claude Rains playing Lord Talbot, Larry’s father.  Rains is an excellent actor and also a very polished individual who easily can play a nobleman in a movie.  He was also rather short and slight of build.  Then there’s Lon Chaney Jr. as Larry.  Chaney was an indifferent actor and a very large and tall man with a booming rough voice.  He was more at home in a broad comedy such as the pictures he did at Universal with the comic duo Abbot and Costello.  In fact, he reprised his role as the Wolfman in the monster spoof, “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein.”  It might be assumed that he would be out of his depth trying to portray a nobleman’s son but he plays the part as a self-made man who grew up in America and reflects the manners and outlook of his adoptive land.  He employs a working-class diction and style of speech and comes off as a personable individual with maybe a slightly hot temper.  The relation between father and son seems to be cordial, warm and in the spirit of a mutual rapprochement after a youthful revolt against parental authority.  Before the disaster occurs to Larry, the atmosphere is of a joyful family reunion.  So, these two actors almost exact opposites in appearance, acting style and talent level manage to do a convincing job of portraying themselves as family.

The other important portrayal is the old gypsy woman played by Maria Ouspenskaya.  Since her son Bela was a werewolf she understands Larry’s plight and realizes what his fate will be.  And being a gypsy of course she has witch-like powers (and a really cool accent).  When Larry needs to escape from his wolf form she could recite the following spell to revert him to human form.

“The way you walked was thorny, though no fault of your own, but as the rain enters the soil, the river enters the sea, so tears run to a predestined end. Now you will have peace for eternity.”

She is the coolest aspect of the movie and provides the atmosphere (along with the fog machine that must have been working overtime for this film) that allows you to think 20th Century England could be infested with werewolves and gypsies.

And finally, the other notable aspect of the movie is the tradition spawned of werewolves transforming during the full moon.  Or did it?  Actually, in this first Larry Talbot outing the full moon isn’t explicitly mentioned:

Even a man who is pure in heart

and says his prayers by night

may become a wolf when the wolfs bane blooms

and the autumn moon is bright.

Later they change the final line to “and the moon is full and bright.”  So here we can see that autumn and wolfs bane is part of the equation.  Maybe this restricts it to the Hunter’s or Harvest Moon.

So, do I like the Wolfman?  Only parts.  I like the beginning and I like the end.  But the middle where Larry is fretting over whether he is going crazy isn’t all that good.  So, I recommend seeing it at least once but it’s not my favorite for sure.

Lining up the Climate and Selenology

“Even a man who is pure at heart

And says his prayers by night

May become a wolf when the wolfs bane blooms

and Autumn moon is bright”

 

This being October and me celebrating all things weird and Halloweenish, I figured I’d share my annual lycanthropic calendar check.  I have a small patch of wolfs bane (Aconitum napellus, also known as monkshood) in one of our gardens and most years it’s in full bloom sometime in August.  But this year has been a very slow season for some plants owing to all the rain and lack of sunny days and warmth.  I went out today and found that the buds on the wolfs bane were just beginning to form true blooms.

 

Wolfs Bane Coming Into Bloom

 

Looking at my Lunar Calendar I noted that the Hunter’s Full Moon was October 5th.  A full moon is a point of time but reckoners of lunar time assign the three days before and after the actual point as the full moon.  Therefore, tonight is the last night of the full moon and the wolfs bane is actually in bloom.  Hmmm.

Now here’s the thing.  I live next to a wood that contains what is charitably called a pond.  It is home to a very annoying and highly vocal Barred Owl and a band of coyotes whose musical stylings would be accurately described as blood chilling.  Some nights I sit in bed thinking I’d welcome the good old serenade of urban gunfire, ambulance and police sirens.  My point is that, for all I know, there’s a werewolf living out there already.  But anyway, if there is a werewolf in the neighborhood tonight is his first and only chance this full moon to terrorize us.

But think of all the pressure on this poor schlub.  He’s got to go to work tomorrow and he’s probably watching Sunday Night Football (assuming he’s a democrat which of course all monsters are).  And just to complicate things the weather has turned rainy and there are a lot of leaves in the grass.  I mean if he’s a suburban lycanthrope and let’s assume he’s getting up there, forty-five or fifty years old, he’s not in the best of shape.  Suppose he goes running toward a victim and slips and face plants.  Not only is this embarrassing but potentially catastrophic.  Suppose he knocks himself out and his erstwhile victim thinks he’s a neighborhood stray and brings him to the vet for treatment.  Well in addition to binding his wounds these ministering angels of the animal world are liable to give him a flea bath and neuter him for good measure and put his picture in the Penny Saver adoption section.  He wakes up the next morning squeezed into some dog crate in the vets’ office naked and without the family jewels.  I mean, that’s not right.

So tonight, I plan to put out a pan of beer (probably a cheap domestic) loaded up with vodka.  With any luck, the poor bastard will conk out behind my shed and wake up tomorrow with nothing worse than a hangover and really bad breath.  I mean, we’re neighbors.  It’s the least I can do.

Morning Shmoe 2 – Trump Hates Bannon!!!  Just Saying.

Chris Buskirk over at American Greatness is fast becoming one of my favorite reads.  He had a great article ( https://amgreatness.com/2017/04/15/foolish-choose-morning-joe-crowd-bannon-voters/ ) that has once again inspired me to revisit our friends at Morning Shmoe.

 

Scene: Studio Set at Morning Shmoe

Shmoe Browfurrowed (AKA Morning Shmoe) (MS) – It’s three and a half minutes before the quarter hour and we’re back.  Lycra have you heard the latest evidence about how Trump has already eliminated Steve Bannon and is about to replace him with Barney Frank.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – No Shmoe, tell me all about it.

MS – Well it’s obvious to anyone paying attention.  Trump is wearing ties.  And as you all know Bannon doesn’t wear a tie.  You do the math!

LS – That’s so true!  Well now that Barney Frank is the virtual president what wonderful changes do you forsee?

MS – As first order of business, Melania will be eliminated as First Lady, either by divorce or deportation and Caitlyn Jenner installed in that position.  Next Ivanka will begin the slow, deliberate process of becoming Ivanko.  After that Trump will begin his transition which will culminate in him grabbing herself.

LS – It just writes itself, doesn’t it Shmoe?

MS – Yeah, sort of.

LS – Shmoe, what do you think caused the original loss of trust between Trump and Bannon.

MS – Well Lycra, we may never truly know but we can speculate.

LS – Can we?

MS – Oh, not only can we but we will.  We’ve still got several hundred words to add before this post is full.

LS – Post?

MS – Nothing, nothing.  Anyway, if you remember during the election it was rumored that Donald Trump had become a werewolf or possibly a loup garou.

LS – Yes, that was definitely a theory that swirled around the press corp.

MS – Well, I recently heard from someone (or possibly from a voice inside my head) that Bannon had become a vampire or some other type of undead.

LS – Well, that would explain a lot of things.

MS – Yes it would Lycra, yes it would.  After all, if Underworld has taught us anything it’s that lycanthropes and vampires are always enemies.  Also, we haven’t seen Bannon during the day recently.  And he is obviously suffering from a skin condition brought on by his vampiric aversion to sunlight.

LS – Of course, why didn’t I realize this before?

MS – Because it’s only obvious after a great mind points it out.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are wise.  But where do we go from here.  Now that progressives are firmly in charge of the US executive branch again what is the next order of business?

MS – There are so many Obama initiatives that are languishing and that need a few trillions of taxpayer dollars to really perk up.  I would say that a new cabinet level department is the first order of business.  The Department of Black Lives Matter is the unofficial name I heard mentioned (by a voice in my head) but the name is secondary.  The important thing is eliminating this whole law enforcement and justice concept that has somehow infected our government for too long.

LS – Shmoe, that’s marvelous.  And to think, the Trump administration hasn’t even acknowledged Bannon’s departure yet.  What are they waiting for?

MS – I would guess it has to do with the cycles of the moon.  Lycanthrope/vampire interactions are far from an exact science.  My guess is the announcement will occur at the new moon.  That’s April 26th to you normals.

LS – Shmoe, isn’t it great to be living in this best of all possible worlds?

MS – Yes it is Lycra, Yes it is.

 

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

A Eulogy for Grimm – Part 2 – The Series Finale

A Eulogy for Grimm – Part 1

 

Spoiler Alert.  If you haven’t seen it and don’t want to know, don’t read this.

So, last night I watched it.  Oh, Good Lord.  The only theory that could deflect shame from everyone involved in this fiasco is if the writers had all been fired and instead the Producer’s teenage daughter wrote it, while attending a school dance, while texting her best friends, while breaking up with her boyfriend, during a hurricane.  Even as an ironic joke or as part of a drinking game (let’s say a tequila shot after each important character is brutally slaughtered) it’s unwatchable.  Rather than belabor the point with countless examples of awful television viewing let me cut to the chase.  At the climax of the show the hero is about to betray the world to the devil by surrendering to him this ultimate weapon when he is stopped by a young woman snatching it away.  He then chases her down, beats her into submission and is heading back to surrender it again when his dead mother and dead aunt calling to him from heaven shame him into a debate about fighting back.  But he’s so broken from the beating he’s been given by the devil that the only way he agrees to fight is if his mother and his aunt will fight for and with him.  Think about this for a moment.  A grown man has to be helped in a fight by his mother!  And in fact, most of the damage in the battle is done by his dead female relatives.  This truly represents the low ebb of masculinity on broadcast TV.  After the victory, there’s a sort of alternate reality scene change where all the main characters are alive again and don’t remember any of the climax as if it didn’t actually happen.  Nick starts hugging them all and seems pretty close to blubbering and it’s reminiscent of Dorothy awaking in her bed in Kansas.  “You were there and you were there, and there’s no place like home.”  Good Lord.  Then the very final scene is twenty years in the future and his son and his baby mamma’s daughter (by his mortal enemy and police chief boss) are now Grimms getting ready to head off with Mom and Dad for some good old American Wessen slaughtering.  Good clean fun.  Good Lord.

I confess I liked this show when it first came out.  My only defense is that it was in the early Obama years and I needed something absurd to allow me to think that maybe none of what was going on in the world was real.  After all, if a whole American city could be composed of monsters without any humans suspecting then maybe somehow the world would manage to escape the Obama presidency without mortal damage being done.  Silly me.  Luckily, now we’re in the age of Trump and I don’t need fantasies to distract me.  The reality is bizarre (and entertaining) enough.  So, farewell to Nick and Juliette.  Farewell to Monroe and Rosalee.  Long may you inhabit Wessen-infested make-believe Portland Oregon which is a distinct improvement over the actual horror of SJW infested Portland.

A Eulogy for Grimm – Part 1

A eulogy is supposed to be praise spoken over the deceased at his funeral.  It literally means “good speech” in the Greek.  So technically I suppose this should be called a kakology* because I won’t be saying too much good.  Maybe what this should be called is a post-mortem.

I started watching Grimm when it premiered in 2011.  When it began I thought it was fun.  The special effects were alright and the conceit that just about everyone in Portland Oregon was a monster (called Wesen) hadn’t yet become a reductio ad absurdum.  Also, I hadn’t grown to despise most of the characters yet.

I’ll give my analysis for what went wrong with Grimm.  I think the problem with any of these urban fantasy TV series is the open-ended aspect of weekly TV.  While it is possible to advance the “mythology” component of the show toward some long-term plot line in a way that can be sustained for several seasons, the single episode plot component needs to have some interesting writing each week to prevent the show from seeming repetitive and boring.  I mean, how many ways are there to have the protagonist (Nick, the Grimm) skewer the monster du jour with a sword or a pitch fork or a lawn dart?  Eventually the look of boredom starts showing up even on the well-paid actors’ faces.  This is similar to the problem that occurs on all long-running TV shows but it’s especially dangerous to these fantasy shows because the action is already incredibly close to ridiculous from the get go.  It doesn’t take much to achieve the reductio ad absurdum I mentioned earlier.  After all, hiding the prodigious body count of terminated monsters (who revert to human form upon being deep sixed) is kind of hard to justify over the course of years.  And with just about every individual introduced in the series being a Wesen it seems laughable that they haven’t already taken over Portland and massacred Nick and his friends.

Another problem is the lack of likeability of most of the main characters.   Nick’s girl-friend (Juliette) becomes a Wesen and eventually murders and beheads his mother.  And after Juliette is killed (and then re-animated as an emotionless zombie named Eve) Nick becomes intimate with the Wesen (a hexenbiest or witch named Adalind) that was responsible for Juliette becoming evil.  Her ex-lover (Sean who also happens to be the chief of police and Nick’s boss) goes from being an enemy to an ally to a mortal foe of the good guys,  He is also the step father of Nick’s son.  Basically it’s hard to really take any of the relationships seriously or even remember how we got to where the story stands.  However, over the course of the series, the only character that I didn’t come to despise was Monroe.  Regardless of how idiotic the script that this vegan werewolf clock repairman was given, the actor managed to inject humor and interest in the character.

And finally, the biggest reason Grimm stinks is because the plots are all the same.  The variations for why Wesen were murdering the few humans that exist in Portland or each other were wholly unimportant and extremely boring.

I stopped watching the show a year ago.  When I heard it had been cancelled and only a half season was being produced this year I started watching again.  I wanted to see if a short span allowed the writers to sharpen up the plots and give us something worth watching.  So far it hasn’t.  This Friday (March 31st) is the series finale.  I’ll report back afterwards to document whether they could even salvage that.  I’m not very hopeful.

 

*I prefer transliterating the Greek letter kappa into English with the letter k instead of c.

 

A Eulogy for Grimm – Part 2

Trump vs The Wake-Up Call

Scene:  Trump Headquarters, Election Day evening.

Donald Trump (DT) (Reclining back in his desk chair asleep and having a bad dream):  No, no.  I don’t want to eat the Supreme Court.  Sotomayor is too greasy, Ginsburg is too stringy and Kagan is too bitter!  No don’t force me to do it.  Don’t suspend the first amendment!  No, no, noooooo!

Melania Trump (MT)  (bending over and shaking Trump):  Wake up Schmoopy, you’re having the bad dream.

Mike Pence (MP):  Mrs. Trump is he alright?

Chris Christie (CC):  Yes, should we call an ambulance?

MT:  No he sometimes has the bad dreams.  They started after we went to the Clinton wedding.  Very scary.

DT:  Where am I?  Did I eat them?

MP:  Eat what?

DT:  The Supreme Court broads.

MT:  Why are you dreaming of having the oral sex with other women, you bad man?

DT:  No, not have sex with them, tear them to pieces and wolf down their flesh.

MT:  Oh, in that case it’s alright.

CC:  Mr. Trump have you gone out of your mind?  Why would you dream of such a thing?

DT:  Because I’m a werewolf.  Remember, after being bitten by a loup garou down in Louisiana after the flood, I became a werewolf and killed vampire Hillary Clinton during the debate and then during my first hundred days in office I was forced to eat the democrat members of Congress and the entire staff of the Departments of Education and Energy.

MP:  But Mr. Trump it’s only election day and none of those things happened.  Look at the TV screen on the wall.  They’re showing Clinton Campaign Headquarters and there she is and surrounded by all those democrats.

DT:  But you were there Mike and you were there Melania and you Chris.  And I ate Hillary and Biden and him and him and him too!  It all seemed so real and there were some meals that were really, really, gross but there were also some meals that were really, really good.  Like when I ate Oprah, it was exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

CC:  No Mr. Trump.  All those people are still alive and you’ve been right here asleep.

DT:  Well I’m glad I’m back because even though slaughtering your political opponents is very effective, it takes a terrible toll on your self-esteem and waistline.  And that’s why every time they told me I had to solve one of these political problems by digestion I told them I just wanted to go home to Queens.  And they sent me back and here I am.  And I’ll never leave again.

MT:  But Schmoopy, if you win tonight won’t you have to go to Washington the DC?

DT:  No.  I will sign an executive order making Queens the new capitol.

MP:  But Mr. Trump, all the federal personnel are in D.C.  The government won’t be able to enact business for years if you move the capitol.

DT:  That’s a feature Mike, not a bug.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant.  Without access to the presidency these bureaucrats won’t be able to spend money half as fast as they do now.  I should have thought of it with my brain,

MT:  And I should have felt it with my heart.

CC:  And I should have sensed it with my courageous political instinct.

DT:  Whatever.  Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll join everyone at the main screen.  But have someone send out for a snack.  I’m ravenous.  Better make it ice cream and put on the Oxygen Network during dinner.

Trump vs the Congressional Negotiations

Scene 1: Oval Office, Monday morning.

Vice President Pence (VPP) Mr. President, We’ve got a problem.

President Trump (PT) Pence, what the hell is wrong now? I’ve already right sized the government and eliminated the Departments of Education, Energy and the EPA. What is left to worry about?

VPP:  The Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader are forming a coalition with the democrats to produce a veto proof majority and use it to prevent any of your initiatives being funded.

PT:  Don’t these idiots ever learn? Alright, convene a presidential address in the Capitol. I’ll “persuade” them. Get me a list of all the democrats and the Speaker’s and the Majority Leader’s allies in this cabal.

VPP:  Mr. President, I didn’t know you knew the word cabal.

PT:  Ha ha. Any more jokes at my expense, Pense and I’ll add you to this list.

VPP:  Sorry sir.

PT:  Okay, get going. And get me the Alka Seltzer. No, make that Brioschi.

VPP:  What’s Brioschi?

PT:  Oh, just look it up.

Scene 2: US Capital, Wednesday night.

PT:  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here tonight to move forward on the people’s work. This afternoon I met with the republican and democratic leadership teams for the house and senate. I gave them an ultimatum, either cooperate with my agenda or be eaten. Apparently they thought I was joking. They all started laughing. So I ate them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, he couldn’t have eaten all of them, they’re way too greasy. But you’re wrong. As US President and werewolf I take my responsibilities and meals very seriously. So while I feel decidedly queasy I am fully committed to seeing this problem through to its logical end. So to speed up the process would any of you congressmen or senators who feels he must in good conscience vote against my requested legislation please move toward the left side of the room, your left that is. Everyone else can leave now and the last one out please lock the door behind you. Thank you and good night.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………. Good they’re gone. Now let’s get down to business…………………………….………

Scene 3: Oval Office, Thursday morning.

VPP:  Good morning sir, how are you feeling today.

PT:  Pence, this job is killing me. My cholesterol is through the roof and I can barely get into my fat suit. Look at me. I look like Jabba the Hut.

VPP:  Sir, no one would blame you for taking it easy for a few weeks. Why don’t you try a golf holiday?

PT:  But who will keep an eye on things while I’m gone.

VPP:  Well Mr. President, after the events of the last few months I doubt there’s anyone left who will give us any trouble. I’ll hold down the fort.

PT:  Okay I’ll do it. Where do you suggest I go?

VPP:  Well there is a big charity tournament in Hawaii. I believe your predecessor is one of the sponsors of the match.

PT:  Him? Hmmm. Well why not? By tomorrow I’ll probably be a little hungry again and he’s all skin and bones anyway. Might as well mix business with pleasure. I have a feeling I’m gonna kill it on the links.

VPP:  Yes Mr. President.

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.

 

Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.

 

Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.

Trump vs the Urban Fantasy Debate

Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate.

 

Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):  Mr. Trump, you called for me?

Donald Trump (DT):  Bannon, I need your help preparing for the debate.

SB:  Certainly sir.  Do you need someone to stand in for Mrs. Clinton or the moderator?

DT:  Well sort of.  I need someone who’s the same height and weight as Hillary.

SB:  Uhhhh …… why?

DT:  I need to practice some fighting techniques for when she vamps out and rushes me.

SB:  Mr. Trump, I must assure you that there is absolutely no possibility that Mrs. Clinton is a vampire.  And despite what occurred in Louisiana, you are most definitely not a werewolf.

DT:  Look Bannon, obviously you’re just not as perceptive as I am.  You know, with my werewolf senses and stuff.  Trust me.  It’s completely certain that she is some species of undead and 83% certain to be a vampire.  The science is settled on this point.  You either have to lead, follow or get out of the way.  I intend to lead.  My plan is to replace the drinking water on the stage with holy water and when she drinks it her face and throat will burst into flames.  At that point I intend to stake her and pin her to the podium carpet.  Then I’ll  explain to the Secret Service the importance of decapitating her and stuffing her mouth with garlic as soon as the debate is finished.  My only problem at this point is whether I should go after Bill next or hold off until the full moon.  I believe he is the senior vampire and his strength may be too great for me to take him down without my werewolf power.

SB:  For God’s sake stop this insanity.  You’re running for the most powerful office in the world.  If anyone heard you talking like this you’d be locked up in a nuthouse within an hour.  When I took this job I knew you were goofy but I didn’t think you were bat-shit crazy.  Look I should probably drop a dime on you myself but so help me I need this gig to work.  So come on, snap out of it and try to act sane.

DT:  Bannon, I can’t work with someone so stupid. You’re fired. Now send in Kellyanne so I can get going on this debate prep work.

SB: Goodbye and good riddance you psycho.

Scene 2: First Presidential Debate.

BBC Correspondent (BBCC): Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the BBC radio coverage of the 2016 First Presidential Debate between Democratic Party candidate, the esteemed former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Party candidate, the eccentric failed businessman and reality show personality Donald Trump. The candidates have met for a decidedly tepid handshake and now have taken their places at their podiums. Mrs Clinton is looking decidedly hale and hearty and not at all like the frail elderly person that the Trump campaign has presented her as. As you can now hear Mr. Trump is making some decidedly sophomoric opening remarks about mexican payment for masonry or some such rubbish. Now it is Mrs. Clinton’s turn and as you must hear her diction and elocution is masterful and might I even say delightful. Why it seems entirely possible that Mr. Trump may retreat immediately and vacate the stage in the face of such commanding eloquence. Mrs. Clinton has finished and the studio audience is standing and applauding quite spontaneously. It’s an amazing sight. I think I can be forgiven for saying that a second debate will be completely unnecessary. I feel I must go on the record to congratulate Madam President for this amazing victory. Well done, oh well done.

Trump looks dumbfounded he’s just looking at Hillary as if he expects more punishment from her. Mrs. Clinton is basking in the glow of her still cheering audience. Now she’s reaching for her glass of water for a well deserved beverage. The moderator has asked Trump his first question but the oafish challenger is so overwhelmed by the intellectual beating he’s just taken he hasn’t heard a word of it. He’s still staring at the First Lady as if she will further abuse him while drinking her water. Does he imagine her to be a ventriloquist?

Wait a minute something terrible has just occurred! An enormous flash of light and flames have erupted around the face of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Was the water in the glass actually some kind of incendiary material. A horrible shriek is going up. Oh the poor woman! The secret service is converging on her. They’ve encircled her. Oh help her, help her! She’s on the floor now. But wait the agents are scattering away. All but one. He is holding the First Lady. No she has him. Now he’s screaming. Something unbelievable is occurring. Mrs. Clinton seems to have increased in size and metamorphosed somehow. She is ripping out of the delightful powder blue pantsuit and is taking on a decidedly bat-like appearance. She seems to have exsanguinated the secret service gentleman and is approaching the moderator. This is taking a decidedly unexpected turn and it appears that the moderator feels that Mrs. Clinton has exceeded the already very generous bounds of allowable debating technique at this juncture.

But hold on, Mr. Trump is charging at Mrs. Clinton and appears to have a large pointed wooden implement in his hand. Although this also seems outside the bounds of allowable debating etiquette it appears the moderator is not going to object. Mrs. Clinton must have noticed his approach because she has pivoted away from the moderator and is facing Trump. But alas she is too late. He has implanted the wooden object into Mrs. Clinton’s thoracic region right up to the hilt. And he calls himself a gentleman! Shocking.

Mrs. Clinton has landed on her back and is thrashing about spasmodically. Mr. Trump is standing back. He’s saying something. I can’t make it out. I’m looking at the program feed that we provide for the deaf viewers and it has transcribed his words as “suck on that Bannon.” Well that strikes me as entirely cryptic.

Well Mrs. Clinton appears to have expired and is beginning to deflate down into a dessicated pile of detritus. Mr. Trump is returning to his podium and appears about to speak. Let’s move in for his comments.

DT: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight we have witnessed the ultimate proof of the greatness that is Trump. I have saved America from the undead and also higher taxes. Because of the short window of opportunity to select a new democratic candidate I have instructed the Democrats to leave Hillary’s name on the ballot. Let’s face it, anyone they picked at this point is probably also undead and I’ll just have to stake him too. Because of the shocking events of tonight and also because I myself am now a werewolf, I’ve decided to end my campaigning activities and will just wait for your acclamation in November. So go back to your lives and don’t worry about anything. Werewolf Trump has got your back. After my inauguration I’ll be using my special werewolf senses to root out injustice and corruption wherever it exists in the federal government. My summary judgement will be brutal but fair. Also I’ll be taping these events for my new reality series “Vigilante Werewolf President.” It will be hard-hitting but classy. Very little nudity. I predict it will last eight seasons or more. Trump out.