Boola Boola

Primativa Babullah – Welcome to the PBS NewsHour and I’m your host Primativa Babullah and tonight I will be interviewing President Donald Trump and will find out what new atrocities he plans to inflict on the people of this country and the rest of the world.  Good evening Mr. President.

Donald Trump – That was a very nasty introduction.  What foreign country are you from where they’re that rude?

Primativa Babullah – I’m from Westchester.

Donald Trump – Well, that explains it.  They have no class up there.

Primativa Babullah – Mr. President, the whole world is waiting to hear what new outrage you have waiting for us.  Yesterday you fired the head of the BLS.  The day before that you raised tariffs on India.  What’s next.

Donald Trump – I’m glad you asked Boola Boola.  I’ve had my DOGE crew looking into ways to get all those lazy useless bureaucrats to quit and save the tax payers a lot of dough.  And they came up with something really good.  What they discovered is that most of these people have become very fat from eating free government doughnuts.  Especially the ones with the chocolate coating and the sprinkles.  So today I signed an executive order banning the sale, manufacture and ingestion of sprinkles withing the District of Columbia.  That’s another name for Washington Boola Boola.

Primativa Babullah – My name is not Boola Boola, Mr. President.  It’s Primativa Babullah.

Donald Trump – Yeah okay whatever.

Primativa Babullah – But how will banning sprinkles from Washington help you to reduce the budget?

Donald Trump – I will let it be known that sprinkles will be available at one new government office site going forward.

Primativa Babullah – And that place will be?

Donald Trump – A new facility down in Florida.  Here it is on the map.

Primativa Babullah – But sir, that’s Alligator Alcatraz!

Donald Trump – No, no.  That’s across the lagoon.  This is called Crocodile Castle.  It’s a much classier place.

Primativa Babullah – You want government workers to work in a prison.

Donald Trump – It’s not a prison.  It’s a cutting-edge office environment that utilizes various incentives and feedback mechanisms to get the maximum value out of the employees.  For instance, there is an exercise facility that also helps correct a slight flaw in the construction design.  The stationary bicycles that the employees operate while working are attached to the pumps that keep the water level below the containment wall that keeps out the local fauna; let’s see Burmese pythons, American crocodiles, Nile monitor lizards.

Primativa Babullah – Why that’s horrible!  These people have to pedal for their lives?

Donald Trump – Well, technically we can’t force them to keep pedaling.  But it’s probably a really good idea if they do.  And they can take turns.  They don’t have to pedal more than eighteen hours a day, on average.

Primativa Babullah – But this is obviously illegal.  It’s a form of slavery.

Donald Trump – No, actually it’s just the terms of their employment.  They can always quit.

Primativa Babullah – But why go through all of these elaborate machinations just to save some government salaries?  Surely there’s an easier way.

Donald Trump – Because it makes great television.  I’m going to put this on one of the cable networks and call it, “So You Wanted to be a Lazy Slug!”  We’ll rig it so every Friday a python will get in and chase the fattest worker around the bathroom or something.  It’ll be an instant hit.  We’ll make a fortune.

Primativa Babullah – Mr. Trump, you truly are a monster.

Donald Trump – Hey I don’t try to sell people crappy over-priced tote bags so don’t get all holier than thou with me Boola Boola.

Primativa Babullah – Dammit, it’s not Boola Boola, it’s just plain Boola.  I mean Babullah.

Donald Trump – Hey calm down lady.  You asked me for this interview.

Primativa Babullah – Well, I’m sorry I did.

Donald Trump – Alright boys let’s roll.  Find the closest McDonalds.  I’m hungry (leaves the set).

Primativa Babullah – Well folks, sorry for that fiasco.  As you heard, the President has become unhinged.  But thanks to PBS this is the kind of hard-hitting journalism you come to expect from us.  Make sure to stick around for our begathon, I mean telethon coming right up.  Stay tuned and enjoy an anti-depressed viewing hour.