To Serve Trump

Announcer (sounding surprisingly like Don Pardo):  Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you other less easily addressed members of the television audience, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.
President Trump (PT):  Hello everyone, sorry to break into your brain dead stupor again but if the safety of the nation is of any importance to you, drop the bong and try to concentrate.  I’ve got some very disturbing news.
As you know, we’ve begun our first round of deportations.  One of the steps required is identifying the country of origin for the millions of illegals living here.  Now this is a tricky business and very careful work is needed to prove where these people come from, especially since they’re not very cooperative.  Anyway, after careful investigation it has been determined that about 11 percent of the rounded up aliens turn out to be actual aliens!  By that I mean outer space guys, you know like E.T. only smellier.  As you can imagine, this will make repatriation more difficult.  But fear not, I’ve already begun the process of contacting the home planets of these deadbeats and getting them to ferry these bums back home.  In fact I’ll have to admit that several of these governments have been more cooperative than our neighbors to the south.  The Kanamit, for instance, went so far as to offer to accept as many illegal human aliens as we could send and at no cost to us.  Their only request was that we put them on a two week bacon diet before we send them.  Huh, go figure.
So this development gave me an idea.  I have enacted an executive order which will allow any American citizen who no longer wants to live here to obtain asylum with the Kanamit.  They have described their world as a socialist paradise without war or hunger, where no one works, food is free and plentiful and people aren’t discriminated against for putting on a little extra weight.  After hearing the Kanamit offer during congressional hearings Senator Sanders, Congresswoman Pelosi and former Secretary Clinton have decided to lead a large scale emigration of democrats, federal workers and university employees to the Kanamit home planet.  Secretary Cinton’s exact words were “So long to Trump and his capitalistic bullshit.  From now on it’s gonna be mashed potatoes and gravy.  I’m throwing away this stupid pants suit and getting a moo-moo.” The Kanamit ambassador thanked me profusely and asked if I was interested in joining the group. I told him I was too busy, at which point he gave me an autographed copy of his new book, “To Serve Man” which he told me was sort of like “The Art of the Deal” on his planet. Well he was a really strange sort of a guy, reminded me of Kasich, only like 4 feet taller and with sharper teeth. Anyway they left this morning and Washington is much quieter now.
Well, they’ll be missed but we’ll have to try and soldier on.  In related news, I’ve officially opened up relations with the Lensman dimension.  They’ve agreed to take over drug interdiction on the Mexican border. I had to agree that they would be allowed to summarily execute any zwilniks they caught, whatever the hell those are. I said yeah sure.
And finally, at the request of the Predator home world I’m allowing Governor Jerry Brown to be extradited to stand trial for murder. He says it’s a mix-up involving his predecessor but I’ll let them sort it out without me.
Okay folks, you can get back to your twinkies and doritos you losers. Trump out.

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Terry Reider
5 years ago

How to Serve Man. Ya gotta love it!