Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 4

(If you want to start from the beginning of the story see link below)

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1


Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT);  Hannibal Lecter (HL);  Dental Assistant Susan Day (SD);  James Comey (JC);

Scene 1 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 8am Monday

(President Trump sitting behind his desk and Attorney General Lecter standing in front of him)

PT – Well, uhh, Doctor Lecter, how do you want to proceed?

HL – I plan to “interview” former Director Comey first.

PT – Do you think you can get him to open up?

HL – A prescient choice of words.  Yes.

Scene 2 – Dr. Goodman’s Dental Office – Monday 2pm

(James Comey, reclining in the dental chair, while Dental Assistant, Susan Day prepares him for his dental examination)

JC – I’m surprised Dr. Goodman wasn’t available for my appointment.

SD – He was called away unexpectedly but he phoned to say Dr. Retcel would fill in today.  The Doctor just arrived and will be with you directly.  I’ve got to go now but you’re in good hands.  (leaves the office)

(Dr. Lecter enters in surgical mask and gown)

HL – Why hello Director Comey.  I hope you are comfortable.  I’m going to start the examination now but in accordance with my painless dentistry philosophy and just to make sure you don’t experience even the least discomfort I’ll be using a local anesthetic.

JC – Oh good, what anesthetic do you use?

HL – (as he injects Comey in the neck)  Sodium pentothal.

JC – Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!  (slumps into unconsciousness)

Scene 3 – Same location 3 hours later

(Comey slowly regaining consciousness, Lecter facing him with a big smile on his face)

HL – Director Comey, how good it is to see you awake.  For a little while there it didn’t look good.

JC – What is this?  What did you do to me?

JC – Funny story, after you confessed to the Russian collusion conspiracy and explained the roles of all your co-conspirators I was feeling mischievous.  I’m a big fan of the fictional character named after me.  There’s a scene in one of the films where my namesake sets up a formal dinner and as the piece de resistance pops the top off of the FBI agent’s head and while the agent is still conversing with the other diners the fictional Lecter proceeds to serve everyone a meal from the frontal lobes of the agent’s brain.  It’s a real hoot.

JC – You monster!  You’re going to eat my brain?  No, no, no, no, please, please, please, nooooo!

HL – Oh this embarrassing, how can I say this politely, I won’t be eating your brain.  It wasn’t quite right.

JC – What do you mean?  My brain is plenty good enough.  What are you a snob?  I graduated from the College of William and Mary majoring in chemistry and religion.  I’m plenty smart.

HL – No, sure, it’s not like that, it’s just that there really wasn’t enough there for a meal and the color and texture was just a little …… shall we say special.  So, I applied some crazy glue along the rim of the skull and plopped it back on.  You’re good as new, mostly.

JC – Mostly?  Whaddya mean mostly?

HL – Well, it’s the craziest thing.  You know that super glue stuff.  It sets so damn fast.  You’ve really got to be so careful lining things up ahead of time and getting it just right.  Well anyway, somehow, I had the top backwards and when I realized it, it was already set up and so, there we are.

JC – There we are?  Where the hell are we?

HL – (holding up a hand mirror to Comey) Well look.

JC – What the (bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep) My hairline starts at my eyebrows!

HL – And the fullest bushiest hairline I’ve ever seen.  And see, your sideburns still line up perfectly.  You should be very proud.

JC – Why you crazy (bleep)’in maniac.  How can I be seen in public like this?

HL – Relax, just shave your forehead every morning and no one will be any the wiser, mostly.

JC -I’ll get you, if it’s the last thing I do, you psychopathic maniac!

HL – Temper, temper.  Now remember a few things.  I’m the Attorney General of the United States.  I am in possession of a videotaped confession of all your crimes and misdemeanors.  In addition, although your brain is sub-par, as sirloin you seem to be exquisite stock.  So why don’t we just part company for now.  We’ll be calling for you to testify before the new special counsel and it would benefit you greatly to cut a reasonably moderate deal.  Let’s say you serve twenty years, maybe fifteen with good behavior.  I’ve got to catch a plane now.  I’ll let you see yourself out.

Scene 4 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 2 month later

(President Trump sitting behind his desk and Attorney General Lecter standing in front of him)

PT – Well congratulations, Dr. Lecter you’ve come through 100%.  We’ve cleaned out the whole Justice Department and you didn’t have to eat a single civil servant.

HL – Thanks.  But honestly after seeing the quality of meat on display I’m afraid I’ll never be able to eat human flesh again.  It was just too much of a turn off.  In fact, working for the Federal Government has been so demoralizing that I am going to request to be returned permanently to the asylum.  Now that I’ve seen the true face of evil, the banality has scared me straight.

PT – Too bad.  We’ll miss your cheerful and humorous banter.  But there is one consolation, James Comey was just committed to your old alma mater so you two will be neighbors.

HL -There goes the neighborhood.