Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP)
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office; 8 am, Monday Morning;
(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)
PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike …………. PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!
(Vice President Pence enters through the door)
VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.
PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing. You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done. Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.
VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.
PT – I have to agree with you Mike. It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.
VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.
PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated. We must provide a memorial to it.
VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …
PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, come on! Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt? All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!
VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…
PT – Mike, you’re so right. Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument. I mean who goes to North Dakota?
VPP – South Dakota.
PT – You see? Nobody even knows where it is.
VPP – What I meant was…
PT – Exactly. The American people deserve better. As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.
VPP – Gold?
PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.
VPP – How big is this going to be?
PT – None of this is written in stone yet.
VPP – Joke?
PT – Not funny. Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument. And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold. Can you just see it?
VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America. Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.
PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?
VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?
PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.
VPP – Ah, well. Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.
PT – Why?
VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big. Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.
PT – Ah hah! That’s where you’re wrong. I have consulted with Elon Musk. And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair. So as you can see it’s all coming together.
VPP – You’re right. What was I thinking? How could this not be a good idea? Anything else sir?
PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.
VPP – No, thank you sir. My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon. Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.
PT – Suit yourself.