photog – Welcome back. While you were watching that fascinating laxative/ADHD commercial my guests were comparing notes on libel cases they had going on. President Trump was discussing the slander that has been making the rounds on the cable channels and other cesspools of the mainstream media. Mr. President, are the accusations and fantasies about you setting up a fascist dictatorship in your next term something you’d be likely to pursue through a lawsuit.
Donald Trump – Negative, photog. All of that chatter is protected by the first amendment. I’m a public figure. They’re allowed to say almost anything. I’m reduced to just waiting until I’m in office and then we’ll see what’s what.
Cthulhu – I disagree Donald. You’re really limiting your options.
Donald Trump – What do you mean CMan? How can I get around the prerogatives of the press?
Cthulhu – Well, for instance if someone blasphemed against my eldritch self, I’d start by forcing nightmares of cosmic horror to haunt his every sleeping and waking moment. In these nightmares he would experience the sensation of his flesh being slowly eaten away by a corrosive bath of slime that started at his feet and worked its way up to his head. Then when he hadn’t had a moment of peace for two weeks, I’d send a parasite to crawl into his ear one night and begin slowly to gnaw away at his brain. Eventually only his skull would be left. It’s a fan favorite I highly recommend.
Donald Trump – Well, that was my plan B. But this is network tv and I don’t like to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. But tell me CMan, doesn’t the FBI come looking for you when you say these kinds of things in public like this?
Cthulhu – They used to Donald back in the good old days. And it was very exciting because with all the diversity and inclusion that the FBI has been practicing the variety has been amazing. They’ve even added capon to the menu.
photog – Capon?
Cthulhu – I think they call them post-op trans-women agents. But potato/puhtata. They’re wonderful with a tobacco sauce marinade. I like them cold with beer so I pop them in the fridge for a day or so. I just wait for them to stop screeching and I know they’re ready. And then I put them in a bowl and watch some old favorites on TCM. I’m a sucker for those old screwball comedies. Or a good old adventure story like Gunga Din or Kim. But they must be running out of capon, uh agents. None have shown up for months.
Donald Trump – CMan, not being a Great Old One I don’t have the leeway you do with respect to the criminal justice system. I’ve got to admit it sounds kind of exciting. Well, not the cannibal stuff, but the brain eating bug thing. That probably solves a lot of problems. There are at least a half dozen or so prosecutors and judges that would really benefit from having about half their brains eaten away.
Cthulhu – I tell you what. I’ll FedEx my copy of the Necronomicon with a post-it on the page with the spell for the brain bug and you see what you think. No pressure. I’ve got a website that’ll only charge you by the amount of brain that gets eaten. You can stop whenever you want and you won’t even get a lot of spam bugging you for more business.
Donald Trump – That would be great CMan. I doubt that any of them has more than a few ounces of brains anyway so I’m sure I’ll be able to swing the payments. Although I will say, things have been kind of tight lately. I had to sell off the gold toilet and downgrade to silver.
Cthulhu – Damn shame. Sorry to hear it. Well don’t worry. I read the other day that you’ll be instituting a fascist dictatorship once you’re reelected. I’m sure you’ll recoup your losses afterwards.
Donald Trump – Well, I hope so, but these things are tricky. For every Franco there are probably ten Pol Pots so you never know.
photog – I’m sorry to break up this discussion but we’ve got to go to commercial. Take it away, Study-Lax.
Can C-man send me a copy of that recipe? The Vermont Legislature, as well as the Burlington City Council, and Mayor’s office would be greatly improved!
Sure but the problem is that the charge per ounce of brain devoured is going up astronomically. Lately the brains being eaten are so toxic that the poor brain bugs are dying at an appalling rate and their slow breeding rate can’t keep up. Now they can charge whatever they want and it’s still not enough for the demand. CMan shouldn’t have been so public about his revelation. I mean, God forbid anyone tries it on Dementia Joe. Even with his miniscule brain volume, it would be genocide for the whole species of brain bugs.
You’re right. And Bernie and his successors are only fractionally better.