“Hello my name is Anderson Cooper and you are tuned into the first presidential debate between our beloved President Joe Biden and “convicted felon” and cartoon super-villain Donald Trump. Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will be presiding over this incredible spectacle.
CNN has gone to great lengths to be both totally impartial but also relentlessly opposed to misinformation. To that end Mr. Trump’s microphone is programmed to shut off whenever the moderators decide he is guilty of misinformation. There was a debate about also attaching electrodes to Mr. Trump that would apply a punishing electric current in the event of multiple attempts at misinformation but it was decided that wouldn’t be legal, so you know.
I’ll come back after the debate with reactions from a test audience but right now let’s go to the debate as it begins.”
Dana: Good evening gentlemen, and you too Mr. Trump. Our first question is for President Joe Biden. Mr. President, out of all the amazing successes that you’ve had as president; conquering COVID, restoring the economy to incredible vibrance, fixing climate change, destroying racism and transphobia and curing cancer, what do you think is your greatest accomplishment?
Biden: That’s a great question Dana. I remember that time I was at Potsdam with Churchill, Truman and Stalin. I had just beaten Stalin in an arm-wrestling contest and he had agreed to dismantle the Soviet Union in 1991 and I was feeling kind of good. But I think all of that pales in comparison to that time I taught my son Hunter how to run a Ukrainian energy conglomerate. He had been having some slight troubles with crack cocaine and I knew that learning the ropes of drilling and extracting oil and gas in Easten Europe would clear his head. It’s like my Uncle Bosie always used to say, before he was eaten by New Guinean cannibals, “Always tell the truth and don’t take any guff from dog-faced pony soldiers.
Dana: Inspiring words to live by Mr. President. Well, Donald Trump, you don’t have any accomplishments to name so instead let’s hear what you have to say about your high crimes and misdemeanors. Are you most ashamed of your hush money conviction, your January 6th insurrection or your attempts to steal classified documents?
Trump: I’m most ashamed of having agreed to this charade. You nitwits are going to try to sell the American people on the fantasy of Joe Biden being in his right mind. That’s not going to work. He’s delusional and barely able to speak coherent English for more than two minutes at a time.
Biden: Now hold on you dog-faced pony oldier, I’ll ake you hind the arn and ock some sense int ou and moulbi woudle foad mobe saiden ray. Come on man! You know. The thing!
Trump: You see? What the hell is a moulbi woudle? The man is one step away from the memory ward at Happy Acres.
Jake: Listen Trump, we all recognize the incredible courage of President Biden for being America’s first zombie president. Many of the recently deceased suffer from the prejudices and misinformation that unenlightened individuals such as yourself spread about them.
We’re here to make sure he gets an even playing field. With the correct translation programs and subtitling “moulbi woudle” becomes, “set the record straight.”
Trump: Alright that’s enough. You can do the rest of this without me.
Jake: That’s right and we will. Our AI video program will provide us with an accurate version of what you would have said if you had stayed.
Trump: Deep fake?
Jake: Potato, puhtata.
Trump: That’s about right. Joe is some kind of vegetable anyway. Well, I wouldn’t have lasted the whole ninety minutes anyway. That smell is more than I can stand.