Laugh, Clown, Laugh

Dyspepsia doesn’t strike me as a particularly attractive flavor for a pundit to emit.  I mean listening to someone like me carp about all the things that are going wrong or will go wrong sounds like the height of boredom.    But it’s also kind of the world we live in.  I guess that marinating that flavor in humor might make it more palatable for the audience.  And I do try to add gallows humor and mockery of all the truly awful villains we face whenever I can.  But sometimes it’s almost impossible to paint a smile, even a wry smile, onto my face, when considering the catastrophically damaging events that seem to happen more and more frequently every day.

But we must laugh.  Despite the fact that it is very likely that Joseph Biden will be re-elected president of the United States, or maybe because it is so likely, we must laugh at Joe Biden.  All of the gaffes, the incoherent mumbling, the lies about everything from COVID to cannibals eating his uncle, to his creepy personal interactions with everyone from small children to the Pope.  All of this needs to be mocked and laughed at.

Because we need catharsis.  In ancient Athens, comedians like Aristophanes would rail against the politicians and accuse them of all manner of dishonest and even scurrilous behavior.  And the politicians had to take it with no recourse to the law courts.  Because the Athenians believed in the almost sacred right of the people to mock their elites.  And they were right.  There has to be a place where the high and mighty get taken down a peg.  It’s necessary, it’s healthy.  If that doesn’t exist you end up with Soviet Russia where the legitimacy of the state is slowly lost to cynicism and eventually when the social capital reaches zero everyone just ignores the leaders and wander away to become bandits.

Now maybe that is our fate.  With Donald Trump being stripped of his money and his freedom by kangaroo courts it won’t take long before even comedians will be hauled off to the gulag for mocking Joe.  I fully expect in the next Biden administration laws against disinformation will probably begin to mushroom around the country.  Maybe we’ll all have to refer to Biden as “the dear leader” instead of Dementia Joe.

But in the meantime, I intend to continue mocking these turkeys whenever they do something especially absurd.  And that’s bound to be any minute.  Why just today I read that during the White House briefing Haitian Shirley Temple claimed that videos of Joe Biden staring in the wrong direction from the parachutist that landed practically at his feet at the G7 conference was a “deep fake.”  We watch as the Italian Prime Minister takes him by the arm and turns him around to see what everyone of normal intelligence has already seen.  Karine Jean-Pierre is sort of like the voice of the Wizard of Oz bellowing, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

And who knows?  There’s always the slimmest of chances that something goes wrong and Trump gets elected.  And that would be the funniest joke of all.  Can you imagine if Trump actually did drain the swamp?  Hilarious.

Full Moron

I watched these two Biden clips.  One has Biden spouting absolute gibberish.  Honestly, I couldn’t even guess what he was trying to say.  It was just jibber jabber.  The other has a scene where his toadies are dancing to Juneteenth dance music around him but he is frozen in a posture that makes him look like an animatronic mannequin.  Watching both of these video clips should be enough to convince any reasonable adult that Joe Biden is now hopelessly senile.  He can’t speak coherently, even when reading from a teleprompter.  His ability to perform minor tasks like walking, climbing short flights of stairs and recognizing things in his environment like entrances and exits from the platforms he is being exhibited on is evaporating.  There are even indications that he is becoming increasingly incontinent.

Under these circumstances how are we supposed to believe that he is the current leader of this country?  Other people write his speeches and executive orders and map out the agenda that is followed by the executive branch under his cabinet.  There is virtually no way any of this could be the work of Joe Biden.  Calling him a puppet is a remarkably apt expression.  That is exactly the way he looks and acts.  The only way it could be clearer is if he literally had visible strings attached to his wrists and ankles.

And yet Biden is barely a point or two behind Trump overall and even a point or two ahead in some swing states.  Can half of the country really hate Trump enough to vote for a dementia patient to lead this country through some of the most dangerous circumstances we’ve seen since the Cold War?  I guess the answer is absolutely!

So, I won’t be surprised when Joe makes his first State of the Union speech for his second term zip-tied onto a mobility device like some kind of cyborg scarecrow with a prerecorded AI voice track emanating from speakers while his mouth remains half open in a mute grimace of confusion and gas pain.

But what if Joe expires before 2029?  Will Kamala succeed to the Oval Office?  Well, somehow it seems unlikely.  And not because she’s much stupider than a mush-brained mental patient.  It’s because she’s an unpleasant idiot that makes those around her go through hell while she pretends that she’s not a moron.

So somehow there has to be a plan to move onto someone slightly less awful than Harris.  But who?  I’m going to reject the Michelle Obama theory and go directly to Oprah Winfrey.  Yes, it’s definitely Oprah’s time.  She combines many important qualities.  She’s fat, she’s a woman, she’s black, she’s rich and she’s stupid.  She’s got it all!

So as much as I’ve enjoyed the Biden years, I’m very excited to see Oprah replace Joe and lead this country into a future that staggers the imagination to visualize.  Her stupidity and her popularity will usher in a new age where all we expect from our president is an afternoon time slot on ABC and book and diet recommendations for all of the women of America.  A virtual golden age.  So, then, Vice President Joy Behar?  Oy!

Guest Contributor – Nostradumass – 07JUN2024 – Tick Tock

Just one more of the “Things I Can’t Kontrol” (TICK)
and that TICKs me off.

such as:

Fairness in politics (TICK)
Congressional Republican Leaders I can trust (TICK)
Biden telling the truth (TICK)
Biden not shitting his pants in front of world leaders (TICK)
A secure border (TICK)
Teachers that do not teach dogma (TICK)
FBI that is non-partisan (TICK)
IRS that is non-partisan (TICK)
a free and fair election (TICK)
DOJ that does it’s job (TICK)

with all this ticking, the “Biden’s Our Mental Buffoon” (BOMB) is sure to go off soon.

Biden Replacing Harris on 2024 Ticket with Upgrade (H/T to ZMan)

Sensing that he needs to shake-up his campaign Joe Biden announces a new running mate.  At the press conference announcing his choice Biden said, “Mr. Tan will bring competence and professionalism to the ticket and any worries that people might have had about Kamala being a heartbeat away from the presidency will be relieved when they realize that Mr. Tan will drive over to the White House in his golf cart, day or night and hit the ground running.  And finally he will put to rest all those stereotypes about orange man being bad.  This orange man is very, very good.”

Reached for comment, Kamala was heard to say.  Well, how can I compete with those mad skills?  Then she burst out laughing hysterically and locked herself in the bathroom.

Scranton Joe Biden on the Stump

Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice.  You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe Biden or for that Dog-faced Pony Soldier Donald Trump.  And as that clean, articulate black man Barack Obama once said, Donald Trump will never be President of the United States.

Okay, sure, that was wrong and he did become president but hopefully not again anyway.  As my Uncle Bosey once told me, “Stay away from cannibals because they’ll eat you and you’ll never be found afterwards.”  And that’s damn good advice.  Now they’re trying to say he wasn’t eaten by cannibals but who other than cannibals would eat him?  Let’s be sensible here.  He wasn’t eaten by vegans, that’s for damn sure.

But seriously folks, you can’t trust Donald Trump.  He never rides on the Amtrak.  He’s always taking first class airline flights.  He’s not one of us.  That’s because he wants to put y’all back in chains.  And if you vote for Donald Trump you ain’t black.  No joke!

When my son Hunter was killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine fighting the Soviets he was dressed sort of like Rambo and with the muscles and the camo, so it was really something.  I remember him saying, “I just want my country to love me as much as I love it.”  And it was beautiful.  And then Xerxes army surrounded us and I threw my spear at him but only cut his face a little and then I was killed by a lot of arrows.  But luckily, I got better and here I am.  And that’s how we won in Ukraine.  Trump has never been killed in war nor have his sons so how can you trust him?

And if you think about it, Donald Trump is a lot like Corn Pop.  They’re both bad dudes who don’t follow the rules and probably don’t even wait an hour after eating before going back in the pool.  If I had the time, I’d like to bring both of them behind the shed and teach them a lesson with my bicycle chain and my boxing skills.  I’m not bragging I’m just saying that’s what I’d like to do but I can’t because of these new laws about fighting and the whole gay thing.  You’ve got to be careful not to say the wrong thing, which is tricky.

But forget all that for a minute, just remember how much better things are now that I fixed the economy.  I fixed the COVID and then I eliminated college loan debt and I got rid of gasoline and oil and now we’ve got electric cars and electric heat and everything is all electric and that’s progress.  Sure, if you’re still using the gasoline and the oil it’s a little more expensive.  And sure, maybe food and rent are up a few pennies but we’re all doing much better now than under Trump.  Just look at your 401K accounts they’re rocketing.  Why all of my green energy stocks are through the roof.  And just last week Nancy Pelosi showed me her stock portfolio and it was worth six hundred million dollars and you can’t hate that!  All these people in the Trump commercials saying they can’t make ends meet must be lying.  No joke!

So as my friend Madame Secretary of State Clinton said a while ago, “basket of deplorables.”  These dead-enders clinging to their guns and their God don’t have the votes to keep Scranton Joe Biden from coming back and finishing up his mission in Washington.  I’m going to fundamentally transform the whole United States of America into Scranton.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that’s what I’ll do.  The whole country will be just like the Scranton you see today.  Full of Amtrak stations, migrant housing, repurposed police precincts and prisons, welfare offices, needle exchange safe places, transgender bathrooms and Section 8 housing.  Welcome to the future.  So, make sure you vote for me every chance you get.  I really need your help.  Help!!!

The Cannibals Ate My Uncle Bosey

The regulars here know how I feel about cannibals. In my mind cannibalism is the necessary signpost on the road to convince people that it’s time to change course.

But only Joe Biden can wield cannibalism as a comic tool to unite us in the knowledge that the man in the White House is no longer firing on all cylinders.

Biden was going down a long road to show that his family are staunch supporters of the military but Trump is a military hater.

Instead what we get is, “Uncle Bosey was eaten by cannibals.” As things stand I’d be worried if I were a New Guinean. Being reminded of Bosey’s fate could spark a new military operation to recover the remains of Bosey. Maybe a few teeth or possibly his wristwatch or something. They could airdrop Hunter in with a duffel bag full of hundred dollar bills and crack cocaine. He’d get to the bottom of things.

Military records about his uncle’s death state that, “For unknown reasons, this plane was forced to ditch in the ocean off the north coast of New Guinea. Both engines failed at low altitude, and the aircraft’s nose hit the water hard. Three men failed to emerge from the sinking wreck and were lost in the crash. One crew member survived and was rescued by a passing barge. An aerial search the next day found no trace of the missing aircraft or the lost crew members.”

Honestly, I prefer the version where Bosey was lunch. I think all of Biden’s family should end up in the soup pot. It would be their finest hour.

Fabulous 2024

JB – Welcome back to the PBS News Hour.  I’m your host Jiff Benetton and I’m here with New York Times columnist David Brooks-Brothers and Washington Post editor Jonathan Capon and we’re here to talk about the Biden reelection campaign strategy.  Tell me David, what do you think should be the Biden campaign’s highest priority right now.

DBB – Well Jiff, If I’m being honest, I think they should try to limit the number of new shooting wars to one per week.  Not that shooting wars are wrong or anything but it’s kind of a tradition to try and explain why we’re blowing up foreigners in some sort of detail.  I mean, it’s hard enough to explain who the Houthis are and why they’re not called Yemenis and where Yemen is on the map.  A recent survey revealed that 73% of Americans polled, identified the Houthis as inhabitants of the ice planet Hoth in Star Wars Episode 5; whereas in reality the desert home of the Houthis is more akin to Tatooine the home of the Tusken Raiders in Episode 4, or as I like to call it “the real Star Wars.”.

But all of this is happening while we’re still trying to explain why the Ukraine wants the Israelis’ money and it’s leading to confusion.  People are starting to get frustrated with all the flag icons they have to list on their profile on X.  Someone attempted to post the Yemeni flag with a slash through it and accidentally identified himself with the Cricket Liberation Front and a tragedy ensued.  As a simplifying strategy, during the next White House press conference I’d have Haitian Bette Boop say that all of these places are just different parts of Ukraine.  That would be best.

JB – Jonathan, what’s your take on the reelection situation?

JC – Jiff, I have just one word for Joe; FABULOUS!!!!  What the Biden campaign needs is fierce queer energy.  Joe needs a makeover.  A beehive blue wig, three-inch scarlet fingernails, stiletto heels and a B&D leather two piece should be enough to get this campaign moving.  They should bring in RuPaul as an image consultant and maybe give the First Lady a year-long furlough to an old age home to give the president room to explore his wild side.  I feel confident with Jolene Biden on the prowl the 2024 election will be jumping.  The campaign will become one big dance party!

JB – Dave, care to comment?

DBB – Uhhhhh, yeah.  I’m a little uncertain about Joe Biden as a drag queen candidate.  I’m not a hundred percent sure that the American public is ready for that much excitement.  In fact I’m pretty sure they want less Biden on their news feed.

JB – What are you saying David?

DBB – A recent poll found that 78% of Democratic voters wanted President Biden to make up fewer lies when he spoke to the press.  52% of Democratic voters said they were more likely to vote for Biden if he just hid out and didn’t show his face to the public until after the election.  I think that Drag Queen Biden would be unlikely to enhance his poll numbers.

JC – You know David, I always thought you were an ally but you sound just like a minion of the patriarchy spewing hate and trying to harsh the buzz that we LGBTQ people feel.  You white, straight, cis-gender males are the enemy of all that is queer and beautiful.  You should be ashamed for disparaging fabulous Jolene Biden and the White House Drag Extravaganza.

DBB – Yes, Jonathan.  …  I’m very ashamed.  In fact, I’ve gotta get out of here right now. (walks off the set).

JB – Well folks, you’ve witnessed history right here.  The patriarchy is reeling out of control and crashing to the ground.  If only there were a disco ball in this studio, we could celebrate the way we should.

JC – You go girlfriend!

JB – Right back at ya.  And that’s all we have.  From everybody at PBS, well everybody except that homophobe David, have a great tomorrow and a better yesterday.

A Biden Carol (Part 4)

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 3 a.m.

Biden – What a horrible dream.  All those filthy murderous bums kicking me and spitting on me and other things.  And after all I’ve done for them.  Making it easy for them to get fentanyl.  They should be thanking me!  Well, this is the last ghost.  This should be easy.  I’ll just tell him I’ve seen the light and I’ll get another chance.  I’ll use the old shmooze.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Hello Joe.

Biden – Why aren’t you dressed up as Death?  Where’s your hooded cloak?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We’ve moved ahead with the times.  The “Yet to Come” function is now handled by a clinical team.  If you’ll step this way, we’ll begin your appointment with a scan.  Lay down on the table and we’ll crank up the power.

Biden – Will it hurt?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well let’s say you’ll notice a tingling.

Biden – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tingling?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well, maybe a strong tingling.  But it’s done.

Biden – What did you find out?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We were able to see your future.  You serve out a second term and after your death you are buried in a grand mausoleum close to the Jefferson Memorial.

Biden – Hey that sounds pretty good.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – But two years later all of the green energy infrastructure begins to fail and millions of people freeze to death during an extremely cold winter.  A million-man march descends on Washington and tears your monument down and drags your body down to the Capitol and uses it like a pinata until there isn’t much left.

Biden – Well, that’s not so good.  Are you sure about that?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Yeah, the video was very clear.  Would you like to review it?

Biden – No.  I’ll take your word.  Look, this sounds really bad.  Maybe I can mend my ways.  Can’t I try to fix things?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Normally we’d try to come up with a remediation plan.  And help you to stick by it.  But we did a search for your soul.  And it’s the darnedest thing, but it’s not there.  Over the course of decades, it’s completely evaporated.  So really there’s no point.

Biden – But how can I have no soul?  I’m human.  I’m alive.  I must have a soul.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – As best we can figure, you’re working strictly by reflexes.  It’s pretty remarkable.  For instance, your ability to make up lies is unprecedented for someone who’s not even really there anymore.  But in terms of redemption, without a soul the concept has no meaning.

Biden – But what’s going to happen to me after death.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – There have been cases like this in the past.  After your body dies, your soul will recondense and quickly end up in its appropriate home.

Biden – Do you know where that will be?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – You’re kidding right?

Biden – Well, you never know.  Accidents happen right?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – I’d pack for warm weather if I were you.  Bye Joe.

Exit

A Biden Carol (Part 3)

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 2 a.m.

Biden – Holy Crap!  I think this thing is for real.  They know everything I’ve done and why I did it.  My only hope is to win the 2024 election and win over the American people.  I know.  I’ll say all that MAGA stuff.  The rubes eat that up.  All I’ve got to do is freshen up my “Scranton Joe” act and I’ll be back on easy street.

Ghost of Biden Present – That’s what you think.

Biden – Donald Trump?  What are you doing here?  I thought I was going to meet the Ghost of Biden Present.

Ghost of Biden Present – I’m here because I’m going to be the Ghost of Biden Present.

Biden – Oh come on man!  That’s not fair!

Ghost of Biden Present – Why would a crooked rat like you get treated fair?  I got the job because I told them I’d twist the knife every chance I got.  Believe me when I say no one is looking to help you, Joe.  The only friends you’ve got are paid and that doesn’t exactly guarantee loyalty.

Biden – Look Donald.  None of that stuff we’ve been doing to you is personal.  Garland is just following the law.  It’s completely by the books.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t waste your time.  I’m here to show you what people really think of you.

Biden – Well, that’s all just a partisan exercise.  Your voters are against me and mine are for me.

Ghost of Biden Present – You haven’t been paying attention to the polls or the social media sites.  You’re about as popular a herpes.

Biden – Which kind?

Ghost of Biden Present – Both.  Even the 25% of people who say they’ll vote for you are holding their noses to do it.

Biden – I don’t believe you.  There are millions of Americans who love and trust “good old uncle Joe.”

Ghost of Biden Present – Well, we’re going to go out tonight and let you talk to the people.

Biden – Should I hold onto your sleeve and we’ll be whisked along through the air?

Ghost of Biden Present – No we’re taking the front door and walking down Pennsylvania Avenue.

(Exit)

 

Scene 2 – Washington D.C.

 

Biden – What are all these homeless encampments doing in the capitol of the greatest country on Earth?

Ghost of Biden Present – You put them there, numb nuts.  These are all the people who’ve been displaced since you opened up the border and let illegal immigrants and fentanyl flood the country.

Biden – My border policy is smart, humane and very popular with the American people.

Ghost of Biden Present – Really?  Let’s test out your theory.

(Trump whistles loudly on his fingers and addresses the crowd.)

Hey folks, here’s “President” Biden.  He wants to get your opinions on his border policy.

Random Homeless Man – It’s really him.  Let’s get him!

Biden – (As he’s being dragged away by his heels  and kicked in the head and ribs by the murderous crowd)

Donald, Donald don’t leave me here.  Get me out of here before they murder me.  How can I learn my lesson if I’m dead.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t worry Joe.  You can’t be killed in this little demonstration.

Biden – What do you mean?  Those kicks hurt!

Ghost of Biden Present – No the beating will hurt like a bastard for sure.  But you won’t die.  That way it can go on for a very long time.  I’ll see you later Joey, much later.

Biden Help Trump, help!  Don’t leave me here!

Folks, ouch, we’ll build back better together, ow, Bidenomics is making this the most robust economy in the world, ah, the green economy is lifting all boats, Ahhhhhhhhhh!

(Exit)