Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS)
MS – It’s 18 minutes and 17.023 seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show. I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that the 2020 election was rigged.
LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em. Let’em have it.
MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish!
LS – Sure, dear. You go ahead I was just trying to cheer you on a little. Okay?
MS – Okay.
LS – Okay.
MS – Woahh!. Where was I? Oh yeah, recently I took a call on this show from some neanderthal with the IQ of an angle worm who was trying to claim that Donald Trump won the 2020 election. And when something like this happens, I become enraged. This is the greatest country on the face of the earth with the greatest ballot counting people that have ever been. Joe Burden was the greatest vice president under that greatest of all presidents Hatrack Barabbas back in the great days of this great republic. And now he’s the greatest president of this great time. His ability to wear a mask and tell other people to wear masks has made him a legend. And when some ignoramus tries to claim that such a great man would be involved in anything as underhanded and unheard of as election fraud, well I can’t even describe how angry I become.
LS – Try Shmoe, try! Tell us how mad you are. Describe your righteous anger.
MS – Dear! … Please, please, stop interrupting me.
LS – But I was just trying …
MS – I know what you were just trying to do. But what you actually did was interrupt my train of thought.
LS – So I derailed your train of thought! You’ve gone off track and want to get back on track.
MS – STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!
LS – erp.
MS – If you don’t stop interrupting me, I’m gonna walk off this set and find a younger, prettier, quieter co-host who can do what I say. And remember what happened to the last woman I had a problem with.
LS – erp.
MS – …… Okay, so, when these mental midgets try to make these crazy claims like COVID-19 came from a Chinese lab or that 800% ballot overcounts aren’t just obviously the typical rounding errors you expect in any election I want to tell these people to just get out. That’s right, I want them out of my country. Because this is my country. Shmoe Browfurrowed is the decider here. I’ve sacrificed everything for this country. I’ve sunk thousands in dental implants and an indetectable hair process that allows me to speak to the good people of this country the way they should be talked to, from a position of authority and credibility. I’ve sacrificed my original family members because, honestly, they just weren’t good enough for my future. I owed it to this country to evolve beyond them. And if Lycra starts babbling again, I’ll probably be evolving beyond her too.
LS – erp!
MS – But mostly I’ve sacrificed my outmoded sense of values. I no longer trouble myself over seeming inconsistencies like “documentary evidence” or “math” or even “eye witness accounts.” Because if any of those things contradict the truth that I receive from the network briefing that morning then I know it is either Russian propaganda or lies spread by Donald Trump. Even if it was in yesterday’s briefing. Make that, especially, if it was in yesterday’s briefing. Because the rock bottom truth is that truth is always evolving. Trying to sort it out yourself is madness. The briefing has been prepared by experts in their fields and is always right until tomorrow’s briefing.
So, you can see, I’ve got this under control and we don’t need any phony baloney deplorables “thinking” or looking into things. If you don’t trust the integrity of a great man like Joe Burden then you don’t belong here anymore. Get out! Get out!
Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest. What do you think about that Lycra?
LS – erp. Am I allowed to talk now?
MS – Certainly dear. I just wanted to finish my thought without being interrupted. That’s all.
LS – I agree with every word of it. How brave you were standing up to those “truth” bullies with their facts and their logical consistency. How unbrave they are.
MS – And on that note it’s four minutes and 13.0234 seconds past a quarter to the hour. And it’s time for a commercial from Twerker, the social network that keeps things shaking. Have you twerked yet today?
LS – So brave Shmoe, so brave,
MS – Shut up Lycra. Even I can’t make believe you make sense. Just smile and hide your wrinkles.
LS – erp.