Trump vs The Time Hag 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles
Scene 1 – Overlooking the smoking ruins of Thebes, 4th Century B.C. (Wednesday)
Trumpxander the Great (TTG) – Aristotle, Ari, hey Ari! Where the Hades are you?
Aristotle the Wise (ATW) – Right here your majesty.
TTG – Never mind that your majesty stuff. Remember I’m the Son of Zeus-Ammon.
ATW – Yes, Your Divinity.
TTG – That’s better. Look Ari, I’m getting ready for the spring campaign against Darius and I need to give my troops a pep talk. What kind of speech can you lay on me that will impress these spear carriers?
ATW – Well, Your Divinity, you can use either the dialectic logic or the rhetorical logic.
TTG – I remember Vox saying I should stick with rhetoric since that’s what’s brought me to this rodeo. What have you got on that side?
ATW – I remember Demosthenes had a nice little riff in his speech “On the Crown,” that really caught my attention.
TTG – Demosthenes? That guy was a total snooze. So low energy you couldn’t tell the difference between before and after I had him put to death.
ATW – Perhaps you can elaborate on what type of rhetorical effect you are interested in O Son of Zeus-Ammon.
TTG – Well I’m gonna tell my army that we’re gonna fight our way across Asia until we reach India and we’re gonna be gone for years. I need something that will get these guys jacked.
ATW – Perhaps an appeal to their Macedonian pride.
TTG – Ah forget it, I’ll bribe ‘em.
Scene 2 – At the harbor of Corinth. One month later (Thursday)
TTG – Macedonians, brave soldiers, my people. I stand before you ready to lead you to the greatest victory of all time. We have conquered Thracians and Athenians, Spartans and Thebans, Corinthians and Euboans, Mytileneans and Egyptians, Libyans and Cyreneans, Armenians and Thessalians, Lydians and Cilicians, Cretans and Lesbians, Cyprians and Lycians, Rhodians and Phoenicians and blah, blah, blah. Oh Hades, we have basically kicked the whole world’s butt. We’ve been winning so much that just the other day my generals said, “Son of Zeus-Ammon it’s too much winning!” I mean it, they really said it. And now we’ll kick the Persians butts and be done with it.
Some people will tell you (mostly the Persians) that the Persians are unbeatable, that the 10,000 Immortals are, well immortal. I’m here to tell you that’s b.s. Remember the Athenians beat them a hundred years ago and they’ve been low energy ever since.
And remember you have me Trumpxander the Son of Zeus-Ammon a demigod, the greatest general of all time, the greatest statesman of all time, the greatest man of all time and the founder of Trumpxandria the greatest city in the world with it’s incredible library. This library is so great that you have to be approved by me to get a library card. You can borrow not only scrolls but also pop-up picture scrolls. You know the ones that kids really like. And we have the most of any library. Way more than Athens, way more than Pergamon and way more than Rome which isn’t even a thing yet.
And as if that isn’t enough remember that I have promised that every man that who follows me to the Indus River is going to get his own autographed Trumpxander gold-plated loin cloth complete with laundering instructions. It’s highest quality and looks like it was a genuine Athenian gold loin cloth, almost. Plus, if you want to I’ll allow you to settle in Persia and marry a Persian wife like my wife Melania, uh I mean Roxanne, and believe me these Persian women are smoking hot like you wouldn’t believe. Well, all except for that hideous old fat Clintoninus that Darius found in some house of ill repute in Persepolis. But the rest of them are fine.
And finally, any man who distinguishes himself by bravery in battle will be given 500 gold darics and will become part of the Trumpxander body guard and hang out with me the demigod and ride around in my stretch chariot.
MACEDONIAN ARMY – (chanting) Trumpxander’s great, Darius sucks, Trumpxander’s great, Darius Sucks!
TTG – You got that right.
Scene 3 – After the speech in Trumpxander’s tent
TTG – Now listen, Ptolemy, Seleucus and Antipater. Since you’re my greatest generals, I’ll give you the straight dope because I’ll need you to swing this thing. We’re gonna conquer the Persian Empire and spread Greek civilization and science to the four corners of the earth. Darius has taken on an extremely old, fat and ugly concubine called Clintoninus who has bewitched him with dreams of forming a global society based on the doctrines of Sappho of Lesbos which involve women dyeing their hair blue, refusing sex with men and raising cats. Once we kill Darius and Clintoninus I will apparently go insane, march our men to the ends of the earth and drink myself to death in Babylon. Afterwards you three will divide my empire in three and devote your descendants to battling each other into a gradually debilitating stalemate for three hundred years while the Romans and Parthians have a chance to catch up to you. Is that clear?
Ptolemy the Great (PTG) – But Great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon, you cannot die. You are a god.
TTG – Yeah, well it sucks being me. But listen when I die you bring my body back to Alexandria, uhhhh I mean Trumpxandria, preserved in honey and put me in a crystal sarcophagus as a wonder of the world. But whatever you do make sure my hair is carefully arranged. It’s my best feature you know.
PTG – Yes Great Trumpxander, it will be as you command.
(All three generals) – Yes great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon.
TTG – Alright, now get out of here and let me rest for Zeus-Ammon’s sake. I’ve got a big day tomorrow. I’m conquering the world.
Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 – Augustus Trumpster