In Dunwich the end of April is both an important time of the year agriculturally but also a time of great stress. It is at this time that the great skunk cabbage harvest occurs. Dunwich keeps ten thousand acres in skunk cabbage cultivation. And depending on the phase of the moon sometime between the middle of April and the middle of May all of it must be harvested and processed for First Selectman Cthulhu’s Vernal Feast. All of the cabbage is sent through an homogenizer and then mixed 1:1 with liquified cow manure and then pumped through a high-pressure hose directly into the First Selectman’s maw. At one hundred gallons a minute this takes about six hours to transfer.
After that there is an eight-hour fermentation stage within the First Selectman’s alimentary canal after which this process produces a gaseous effluvium that exits at a very high flow rate at about a thousand standard cubic feet a second under considerable pressure. Now this gas not only smells disgusting but it is as poisonous as phosgene so it must be mixed with air and immediately sent through a combustion nozzle. The outlet gas still smells unbelievably bad but it is thus rendered non-lethal.
The combustion goes on for ten hours during which time the First Selectman likes to read an improving book or watch classic movies as entertainment. It takes a crew of two hundred of the stoutest Dunwich men to complete the full process. And it is an exhausting and psychologically scarring ordeal to say the least. During this time most of the inhabitants of Dunwich vacate the town for about a week until the odor abates to a significant degree.
Over the years there have been attempts at Board of Selectmen Meetings to change the town bylaws to eliminate the “feast.” Usually, the first Selectman eats whoever adds the motion to the agenda and the motion fails unanimously. Usually this is some newcomer to town who doesn’t understand the nuance of having a Great Old One as a town official.
But there are some “advantages” to this process. Rodents flee the town for at least two months after the ceremony and flies are so confused by the smell that they forget to eat and just weaken and die. So, things are pretty vermin-free around town until autumn. So, we’ve got that going for us.
There was a funny incident last year when a state environmental officer showed up and demanded that the skunk cabbage harvest be stopped because it was a native plant that was protected against commercial harvest. He barged into the First Selectman’s office and threatened him with arrest. Cthulhu seemed impressed with the officer’s courage and asked if he’d like to see the skunk cabbage field. They walked over to the farm and then he planted the officer head first into the ground and applied a couple of gentle pats of his right hand to firmly smooth out his resting place. And that was that. Have a happy skunk cabbage feast everybody!
