A Eulogy for the Losers

And just like that, we’re down to two.  Oh sure, Granny Warren is still in the race but after losing her “home” state there’s not much left to do but shovel some dirt on her carcass and call it a campaign.  A newly reminted Biden is ready to spout inexplicable nonsense all the way up to the convention.  Bernie is in a panic and will have to yell even louder and wave his arms even more wildly.  It’s going to be amazing.

But what I want to talk about is what is to become of the losers.  Just look at them.  Sure, technically most of them still have high paying jobs and health insurance but how can they go forward with their lives when they’ve been forced to say ridiculous things now for half a year.  All of them have raised their hands and said they believe in the Green New Deal and that AOC isn’t certifiably insane.  Beto O’Rourke even claimed he was going to take our guns.  And most importantly, they all made fun of the old white guys in the race.

And yet here we are and as far as the eye can see all there are is old white guys!  So, it’s not like these folks are gonna get much love from Biden or Bernie.  So, they’ll have to go back to work and make believe they’re Senators or ex-mayors or skateboarding Kennedy clones or whatever the hell Tom Steyer does nowadays.  But one thing’s for sure.  I’m gonna miss these crazy bastards.

Just think of all the fun and laughs we’ve had as each one explained how his plan was better than her plan, all without recourse to facts or even the magic of mathematics.  Watching Kamala tell Creepy Uncle Joe that he had made her cry when he wouldn’t let her be bussed to a good school.  Or ButtPete berating Amy Klobuchar for not knowing the name of the Mexican President.  Or Fauxcahantas shaking with rage as she declared that Bernie had told her a woman couldn’t be elected President.  And what about Spartacus trying to say anything at all?  His pop-eyed expression and goofy voice always cheered me up.  He never was coherent in any of the debates but he always looked so excited and hopeful, the poor little guy.

But my overall favorite was Beto.  He postured and swore and skate-boarded his way into our hearts.  I’m old enough to guess that he was put forward based solely on his resemblance to one of the Kennedys.  Some child of the sixties in a newsroom must have made it his project to give the hapless Beto just enough publicity to force him on the public eye.  Too bad they couldn’t get him to read from a better script.  Every time he opened his mouth the stupid came pouring out and destroyed any doubts about how empty his big head was.  So Beto is the poster child for the group.  What does he do now?  He’s not qualified for any useful task and he’s too well known to attempt a normal life as, say, a lifeguard or a movie usher.  His choices are either to be locked away in a mad house or given a show on MSNBC.  Interestingly enough, Chris Matthews’ “retirement” provides a ready-made spot for Beto.  His audience would be almost as stupid as he is and therefore reasonably willing to listen to him jabber on in Spanglish about how, “el hombre naranja est muy malo.”  You know the more I think about it the better I like it.  In fact, I think all failed Democrat politicians should be warehoused on MSNBC or CNN.  Eventually that much stupidity concentrated in one place should tear a hole in the fabric of space and suck the whole studio straight into another dimension, hopefully one inhabited by some Lovecraftian horror that can feast on their stupidity for millennia.

I know I’ve gone a little overboard but darn it I’m gonna miss those losers and I didn’t want to let them go without saying goodbye.

We’ve Lost Spartacus

He’s gone.  The dream is over.  Spartacus is now hanging from a cross along the Appian Way waiting for Varinia and Batiatus to show him baby Spartacus Junior as they head off to freedom while he dies horribly and painfully.  Okay, it’s not exactly like that but I do enjoy making fun of Booker.

We still have Bernie and Creepy Uncle Joe and Fauxcahantas but it’s just not the same.  Booker was the whole package.  He was sexually ambivalent, unauthentically black, delusional about what America wanted, he had bug eyes and a funny voice.  He had so much to give.

We’ll muddle through without him.  We’ll remember all the great moments during the debates when he told us all about slavery reparations and green new deals and billions and trillions and maybe someday quadrillions of dollars that the government would shower on people who didn’t want to work.  We’ll go on, but we’ll never be that young again.

But I’m really still in denial.  I keep thinking maybe he’ll come back as a running mate or maybe he could become an announcer for the WWE or maybe he could replace Jussie Smollett on Empire.  But no it will not be.  He’s gone.  I’ve reached the final stage, acceptance.

Okay, I’m good.  Now let me listen to how Iran is self-destructing after President Trump delivered a haymaker to their regime’s credibility.

22SEP2019 Update – The Dem Race Begins to Take Shape

So, this week we’ve lost Bill DeBlasio.  As the President mentioned, New York City is in a panic because Bill’s returning there and sure to cause fresh havoc in Gotham City.

And word has come down from Spartacus that unless his backers send him $1.7 million before September 30th, he’s going to drop his shield and short sword and drop out of the race.  Kind of makes you wonder a little about why he’s in the race.  What I want to know is who will keep the white supremacists in check if Cory drops out of the race.  I mean sure, Creepy Uncle Joe and Kamala Harris are woke to the threat of rampaging gun-wielding white fascists but Spartacus was the one who made it his signature issue.  And without a doubt Beto has laid claim to the gun grabbing title with his hats, coffee mugs and other branded paraphernalia but Spartacus was so much more real.  Yes, Cory Booker will be missed by those supremacists.

Today I read that Fauxcahantas has taken a two-point lead over Creepy Joe in Iowa.  Losing Uncle Joe so early in the process would be a blow.  The whole problem of his son and the Ukraine could spell the end of my prediction for Joe to be the November victim for President Trump.  So sad, so sad.  Well if it’s to be Fauxcahantas (and I’m not admitting to it yet) then let it be Fauxcahantas and Kamala Harris.  That is a dream ticket for President Trump.  Between the shrieks of Fauxcahantas and the whining and crying of Harris there wouldn’t be a man in America with a testosterone level above zero who would vote for that nightmare.  Now the flip side of that is every cat lady and power skirt in the country will try to vote twice for them.  But somehow, I don’t see them getting much of the female black vote.

Bernie is now only ahead of Warren in New Hampshire where he is shown trailing Joe by about a point.  But nationally the Fake Indian is leading him by a couple of points.  Bernie won’t drop out soon.  He’s got a lot of money and a loyal core of Bernie Bros who won’t desert him.

Pete Butt also has a good pile of cash to keep him going and the desire to be Vice President and I see him hanging in there for a good long time.  But as to who would select him for Veep, maybe Harris?  I’m guessing nobody really wants him aboard.

So, of the candidates who still might be around in a few weeks, that leaves Beto.  I think Harris would like to have him for a Veep.  He’s so incredibly shallow and stupid that by comparison even she would look sort of intelligent.  And he’s got a skateboard you know.  He’ll definitely get the poser and hipster vote motivated.

All the rest of the losers hovering around at 3% or lower will be gone by Halloween.  It’s pretty clear that the Media wants Creepy Uncle Joe to drop out.  They’re afraid that he’s too senile and has too many skeletons in his closet to beat the President.  And they’re right but honestly, it’s not as if Bernie or Fake Indian aren’t just as looney.  It’s that old white guy just seems impossible for their narrative.

Emotionally I’m tied to the idea of Creepy Uncle Joe going into the debates.  The spastic hilarity just draws me in.  But Fake Indian is great too.  Fauxcahantas has more than one arrow in her quiver if I may be permitted to use the metaphor.  She shrieks and her eyes bulge behind her Granny Clampett glasses and she gestures and gesticulates like some demented third grade teacher.  There is greatness there.

But never let it be said that I’m a fair-weather friend.  I’m sticking with Crazy Uncle Joe to the bitter end.  The only condition I put on his candidacy is if he strokes out.  If he does, I’ll pull support.  I can’t be responsible for the death of anyone, even Creepy Uncle Joe.

So, let’s recap.  With the Media and nervous big money pushing to anoint Fauxcahantas, Creepy Uncle Joe is hoping to weather the Ukraine thing while Bernie plods along waving the Hammer and Sickle flag of Communism for the Bernie Bros to see.  The only losers who’ll hang in for the Veep sweepstakes look like Harris, Beto, Mayor Pete Butt and maybe Spartacus.  I’m holding out for Uncle Joe but the vultures are beginning to circle.  Stay tuned for more excitement in October.

 

OCF Classic Movie Review – Charles Laughton – Part 1

So instead of looking at a movie, let’s switch it up and talk about an actor. Charles Laughton was a British actor of Hollywood’s Golden Age (1930s and 40s) who lasted into the 1960s.  In most cases this was fairly rare.  And that is because most of those actors back then were movie stars who depended on good looks to bring in the audience.  Once they hit forty parts started drying up.  Not Laughton though.  He resembled, and as he got older, more and more closely resembled, a toad.  Because of this he never depended on his looks to garner success.  He was a truly versatile and skillful actor.  As I’ve stated recently we are inside the month-long pre-Oscar movie festival on TCM.  Many old classics are being shown daily.  Over the weekend I watched two Laughton movies in one day.  In the morning I watched him in “The Private Life of Henry VIII” and that night I watched him in “Mutiny on the Bounty.”  The only thing that King Henry and Captain Bligh have in common is that they were both English.  The characterizations, appearances and mannerisms are worlds apart.  And yet both characters are memorable and believable.  And the same can be said for the multitude of characters he played over the years.  He was the Hunchback of Notre Dame, an American senator in the Cold War era, the Roman senator Cicero, an English barrister, the Emperor Claudius, a British butler in the old Wild West, Captain Kidd the pirate, a hobo, a ghost, a henpecked husband who murders his wife and even a horror movie mad scientist.  His versatility allowed him to create entertaining characters in a comedy, drama, tragedy, history or any combination of the above.  In fact, it was sometimes the case that a poor movie would still be worth watching just to see Laughton do his stuff.  Laughton movies that I have enjoyed for at least his efforts include:

1)            Mutiny on the Bounty (highly recommended)

2)            Witness for the Prosecution (highly recommended)

3)            Advise and Consent

4)            The Private Life of Henry VIII

5)            The Hunchback of Notre Dame

6)            Ruggles of Red Rock (a very silly but enjoyable comedy)

7)            Spartacus

8)            The Canterville Ghost (a WWII comedy)

9)            Island of Lost Souls (an early horror movie)

 

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