All the Secrets of the Universe and Some Really Important Stuff Too!
That friend of mine sent me another link. This one is old Sanford and Son scenes with Donald Trump and Donald Trump Jr’s heads on the Sanfords’ bodies. Then there’s Pelosi, the Clintons and even Mitt Romney standing in for some of the other characters.
As Kenny Banya would say. “It’s gold Jerry. gold.” Enjoy.
Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani (RG); Joy Reid (JR); Anderson Cooper (AC); Rachel Maddow (RM);
(Scene 1: Inside the media booth at the final Democratic Debate in San Francisco)
CA – Hello, I’m Christiane Amanpour with my interesting British accent, and we’re here at the final 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate in beautiful San Francisco, California.
RG – Beautiful? You call trying to navigate around a sidewalk festooned with human feces and vomit beautiful? Christiane, that’s some weird alternate reality you live in.
CA – And as you can see and hear, I’m joined by the always cantankerous, former Mayor of New York and current attorney for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani.
RG – I can live with cantankerous.
CA – And we’ll be here to see who will step up and try to knock Bernie Sanders off his trajectory of winning the Democratic Presidential Nomination.
RG – Actually I’m here for the laughs. These losers are trying to stop the Crazy Party from nominating the King of the Lunatics. That seems to be an impossibility.
CA – Despite Rudy’s penchant for Right Wing propaganda, it will be interesting to see if the more moderate candidates attempt to make an issue of Bernie Sanders flirtation with socialism.
RG – Flirtation? I would say that it was consummated to use a polite word. To continue your analogy, if this were seventy years ago, we’d be seeing a shotgun wedding between Bernie and Communism.
CA – Well, enough of this banter. Let’s go to the debate stage. The seven candidates are now advancing to their podiums and the moderators are seated. We have CNN’s Anderson Cooper and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid.
RG – Ah yes, the voices of reason. Where did I put my barf bag?
(Scene 2: Wide shot of the moderators and candidates on the debate stage)
JR – I’m Joy Reid and welcome to the audience here at the Palace of Fine Arts here in vibrant San Francisco.
(A voice from the audience gives a loud bitter laugh and an epithet. A struggle is seen in the audience and a man is tased and carried away.)
JR – Spirits are high and let’s meet our panel and the candidates. I’m joined by my colleagues Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who know in their hearts that that wasn’t me who allegedly said those homophobic remarks all those years ago because that is not who I am.
(Maddow and Cooper glare at her over rigid smiles.)
JR – And here are the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates. In decreasing order of electoral relevance, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist democrat from Vermont; Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City; Vice President Joe Biden of Delaware; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana; Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts; Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota; Billionaire Tom Steyer of San Francisco California. Welcome all of you or Zae, Zee, Zi, Zo, Zou and sometimes Zy.
(The candidates look confused and mumble some replies.)
RM – Hey wait a minute, that’s not Tom Steyer there at the loser end of the podium. It’s a masked intruder in an ill-fitting white pantsuit!
MC – That’s right Rachel Maddow, I am the “mystery candidate” and Tom Steyer has voluntarily surrendered his place on the stage and his billion-dollar fortune to me in my run for the presidency.
AC – But that’s nonsense. This is the end of the campaign and there’s no way that can be justified under the rules of the debate or the DNC campaign requirements.
BP – Wanna bet Anderson? How do you think they justified screwing me out of the nomination last time?
RM – Alright but why the mask? You’re obviously Hillary Clinton and you’re not fooling anyone.
MC – That’s ridiculous! Hillary Clinton is so beloved by the people that she would never disguise herself. It would be throwing away her natural advantage.
RM – If that’s so how come you lost the last two times you ran.
MC – That’s a damn lie. The Russians stole the election from me. … I mean from her.
JR – Alright, whatever, we don’t have all night let’s move on and get this show on the road.
AC – The first question will be answered by all the candidates. Why do you want to be President of the United States of America? Senator Sanders?
BS – I wanna say that when I am President the first order of business will be to make the minimum wage $500 dollars an hour. That way all Americans will be earning a million dollars a year. Then I will make the tax on the million-dollar bracket 100%. That will flood the treasury with cash and balance the budget. I would seize all businesses and nationalize them and all profits would be divided equally by all the people. And finally, I would declare all humans and some primates American citizens and allow them all to enjoy the fruits of this land. To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities.
RM – Hey that’s misogynist! You should have said her or at least their.
BS – Yes, that’s what I should have said. But, I am very old, you know.
MB – Hey can I say something in rebuttal?
AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, it’s your turn to answer the question. If you want to discuss Senator Sander’s answer feel free.
MB- Thanks. Bernie Sanders is a dangerous lunatic. What he just laid out was a delusional plan that would bankrupt the country and collapse the financial system of the entire planet. I can’t actually calculate how bad it would be but I guess that tens of millions would starve in the first few months and the urban areas would devolve into cannibalism within the first year. Shortly after that the Chinese would invade and occupy the more desirable farming and mining areas and allow the rest to revert to primitive tribalism.
BS – This bloated plutocrat is lying. He has grown fat on the forced labor of the lumpen proletariat.
MB – Hey looks who’s talking about bloated and fat. I keep my weight at a very optimal point and you look pretty flabby to me Mr. Millionaire Communist.
BS – Liar, I’m a Democratic Socialist! And a millionaire isn’t a billionaire like you!
MB – Socialist, Communist. Potato, pattata.
AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve critiqued your opponent’s plan. What is you reason for running?
MB – I see the most urgent threat that America is faced with is what to do about the “Big Gulp.” Are you aware that the fifty-ounce beverage is killing more Americans each year than cancer and opioids combined? And also, the average American butt size has increased by eleven inches over the last twenty years. I am on a crusade to bring health and longevity to the people of this great country. Once my War on gulps is victorious, I intend to go after the Big Mac, the Whopper and, God willing, the all you can eat Lobster Fest at Red Lobster.
AC – Well I see what you mean about butt size. It’s a pet peeve of mine too. Well Mr. Vice President, it’s your turn.
JB – You know when I was the right-hand man of a certain clean articulate President named Barack Obama, I suppose you remember him, he said to me, he said, “Joe, old friend, what can be done to stop the Big Gulp?” Well I drew up a plan and pushed through the legislation in record time and that’s how we defeated the Big Gulp.
MB – That never happened.
JB – Listen you lying, dog-faced pony soldier, why don’t we have a push up contest or go out behind the barn and decide this the old-fashioned way with chains and straight razors.
AC – Please Mr. Vice President, try to stay on track.
JB – Well as I was saying, back last year when I was Vice President, I set up the program that made the minimum wage $500 an hour and that’s how we ended poverty in our lifetime.
(Stunned silence descends on the stage and crowd.)
AC – While the former Vice President is being escorted to the emergency room for treatment, can you tell us your reason for being President, Mayor Buttigieg.
PB – Thank you Anderson, we all acknowledge the terrible struggle you’ve endured at the hands of the rampant homophobia that is America’s scourge. I too have tasted the whiplash sting of its cruelty.
AC – Ahhhh? You do know I’m a Vanderbilt and have hundreds of millions of dollars, right?
PB – No amount of wealth can make up for the whiplash sting of cruelty.
AC – Sure, but it really helps, don’t you think?
PB – Well, maybe. Anyway, my priority will be ensuring that every American child knows the name and correct pronunciation for the names of all the Latin American dictators, uhhh … I mean leaders in our hemisphere.
AK – Screw you, you little jerk.
AC – Please Senator Klobuchar, your turn isn’t next.
AK – He sucks!
PB – Homophobe!
AK – Ahhh, grow a pair you little weasel!
AC – Please, please! Let’s get back to business. Senator Warren it’s your turn.
EW – Thank you Anderson. One of the most important parts of my candidacy is bringing a woman’s perspective to the presidency. Women are the practical money handlers in their families. We know how to avoid debt and live within our means. Looking at Senator Sanders’ ridiculous proposal it doesn’t take a CPA to see that a $500 an hour minimum wage is insanity. The fact that he doesn’t recognize its absurdity is proof of his unfitness to be President. Applying a real-world perspective along with a woman’s social justice instincts points to a minimum wage that is absolutely no higher than $450 an hour.
MB – Is it too late for me to get a MAGA hat?
AC – Alright let’s hang in there for a few more minutes. This thing is almost over. Senator Klobuchar have you got some brief comments you’d like to make.
AK – You betcha. I can’t win this thing. I’m too close to normal. What I would like to do is throw something at that little weasel Buttigieg. If someone will just hold him for a second, I’ll kick his skinny little butt.
AC – Security please escort Senator Klobuchar from the stage and get Mayor Pete some smelling salts. Alright, “Mystery Candidate,” would you like a shot at the question?
MC – I’d be delighted Anderson. For all of my life I’ve strived to educate the American people about their unworthiness and what they needed to do to atone for their sins. And at the top of that list is making me their President. I’ve suffered as no other woman ever has. I’ve been ridiculed for my looks, my weight, my voice, my husband’s womanizing and for the very large number of coincidental suicides that seem to occur all around me. I want to be President so that all this persecution will end. I will set up a Presidential tribunal that will adjudicate all these capitol offenses fairly and once these people have been brought to justice, I intend to eliminate the 22nd amendment by executive order and give the United States the permanent and hereditary leadership it has always deserved.
AC – Okay, I think my colleagues will agree to skip their questioning so that we can escape before the voters storm this building and drag us off to Alcatraz for summary execution. I apologize heartily to the American people and promise to find a real job where I can atone for my connection to this lunatic asylum.
(Scene 3: Inside the media booth)
RG – Well there you have it. Christiane Amanpour has fled the building with Joe Biden in hot pursuit trying to grab her shoulders and smell her hair. I haven’t had such a good time since the Yankees won the World Series from the Mets in 2000. Well anyway, it doesn’t look like there’ll be much drama in November but I suppose that’s best for the country. But I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Sorry it couldn’t have gone longer but these people really do need to get back to the hospital. Good night and Keep America Great in November.
‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the House
Not a creature was stirring, ‘cept Pelosi the louse
The articles were strung in the indictment with care
In hopes that public would believe what was there;
The Senators were nestled all snug at Club Med
In hopes that their war chests soon would be fed;
And the Post there in D.C. and the Times in Big App’
Had taken a break from shoveling crap.
When on the House lawn there arose such a clatter
Even Pelosi’s dead heart had to go pitter patter;
Away to Security she hobbled to see
What the closed-circuit screen would show it to be.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to her big bulging eyes should appear,
But Marine Copter One setting down in high gear
With a big orange rider who made such a thump
As he stepped on the ground, she knew it was Trump
More rapid than eagles his lawyers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
Now Jared, now Rudi, now Johnny, now Billie
Now I don’t know the others so let’s not be silly.
Take the bugs from the phones, take the mikes from the walls
Now indict away, indict away, indict away all.
He wore a blue suit that bulged here and there
And orange was the color of his face and his hair
Across his smart phone his fingers did crowd
And the words that he typed he mumbled aloud
“Pelosi’s appearance is ugly and sad
The crimes she committed are stupid and bad.
I cannot impeach her, as she did to me
But I’ll get her for graft and away throw the key.”
The men spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And collected the data then turned with a jerk,
And hauling their evidence bags to the ship
they jumped up aboard without even a slip
Trump sprang to his craft, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But she heard him tweet out, as he flew through the air,
“Pelosi in prison, that’s not so unfair!”
Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 1)
Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO); Bill Clinton – (BC); Hillary Clinton – (HC); President Trump – (PT);
Scene 1 – 8 pm, that same night in the Farmhouse; In the corner of the room, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Beto O’Rourke are sweating away, turning a giant crank on a generator. In the opposite corner A-oh-see, Cory Booker, Hillary Clinton and the Obamas are dancing rather spastically around a disco ball while a wavering light and an unevenly playing sound system produces some unconvincing techno sound. As the exhausted laborers slacken their effort, A-oh-see chastises them.
AOC – Hey white boys, pick up the pace. This is the part where I go, whoot, whoot. Don’t make me warn you again.
The generator crew redouble their efforts and the “whoot, whoot” is a big success. The dancers clap enthusiastically and the crankers collapse to the floor panting.
AOC – The dance is over and that’s all the electricity there is.
MO – That was good electricity A-oh-see, real good.
BO – That was the best electricity I ever seen. Much better than that power plant electricity.
NP – Oh, I don’t know, I remember back in the Obama administration we had lights all the time and copy machines and air conditioning.
HC – It’s real good that you said that Nancy but how could you mean it? Why, A-oh-see’s electricity is much better than that old electricity. That old electricity made global warming and killed baby polar bears.
BO – That’s right Nancy, A-oh-see’s electricity is real good. Much better.
MO – And now it’s time for Bill Clinton’s birthday presents. Everybody gather around.
Hillary hands Bill a bag full of fentanyl patches and a plain brown envelope.
HC – Happy birthday Bill. Many happy returns.
BC – (looking in the envelope) The Pia Zadora Playboy issue! This is a priceless object. He you don’t suppose I could open it up here?
Everyone goes quiet and looks shocked.
BC – Not the pictures just the articles.
BO – I don’t think you should Bill. We don’t know exactly where the articles end and the porn begins.
HC – That’s right Bill. Wait until we get home, where it’s safe. Here, try out the fentanyl patch.
BC – Mmmmmmmmm.
BO – Okay everybody, birthday presents over. Now we’ll hear a speech by Caitlyn Jenner on the false social construct inherent in the ovary.
While everyone sits in rapt fear of not cheering at the right places Bill Clinton wanders around in a fentanyl stupor. Suddenly he starts talking out loud to no one in particular.
BC – You know this is the last fentanyl stash left. And once it’s gone and Al Gore’s oxycontin bottle is empty there won’t be any joy left in the world. No more giggling, no more Ruffies.
Looking around and glaring at Bill AOC shouts.
AOC – Stop talking during the science lesson.
Bill smiles goofily and gives AOC a salute and she turns back to the lecture. Bill opens up his Playboy magazine and with the centerfold flapped open approaches Caitlyn Jenner.
BC – You know Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, I don’t think yours can compare to Pia’s what do you think?
AOC jumps to her feet and shouts at Bill Clinton.
AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and if you keep acting all patriarchal, I’m going to think bad things about you.
BC – That’s right A-oh-see you think bad things about me. You concentrate on me and maybe some real man in this room will sneak up behind you and slap a half dozen fentanyl patches between your shoulder blades and end this thing.
Nancy Pelosi picks up her speaker’s gavel off the table where it lies but then puts it back.
AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and you keep looking down my blouse.
AOC walks over to Bill Clinton and slaps four fentanyl patches on Bill’s face. Bill starts pulling one off, then smiles goofily and puts it back on. Then he falls face forward like a chopped tree.
BO – A-oh-see put him in the mulch pile please. Please.
She nods her head slightly and a group of Bernie Bros picked up Clinton and hustled him out of the room.
AOC – He was a bad white mand and I used his non-socialized medicine to destroy him. And you better not say anything bad about me Hillary or I’ll get you too.
HC – Oh, A-oh-see, I don’t feel bad about Bill. He got what was coming to him. No sweat. We all love you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite, that’s what you are.
NRS – So that’s our story, no commentary just an introduction to one of the very special members of the Bizarro Zone.
Suddenly President Trump busts in from in front of the narrator and we realize that the whole scene is taking place in a sound stage.
PT – Alright that’s enough. Officers, arrest these idiots and we’ll straighten everything out at the jail.
AOC – You’re not real. I destroyed you along with the rest of the world a year ago.
PT – Look, you, fruitcake. When you losers were swept out of power in 2020, I didn’t balk when MTV sponsored a reality show to let your deluded followers imagine what it would be like without the normal people but when Bill Clinton ends up as an OD victim at Bethesda that’s where I pull the plug on this thing. We’ll transition most of you into a hospital for the criminally insane but for now we’ll set you up at Guantanamo Bay until you become less dangerous. Okay boys drag them out.
Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Nancy Pelosi (NP); Al Gore – (AG); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO);
Scene 1- Unknown Office building; 8 pm Mid-July
A narrator, who looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Rod Serling circa 1961, is standing in front of a map of the United States
NRS – Tonight’s cautionary tale is most unusual and requires that we imagine the following. Here behind me is a map of the United States. But what if suddenly it disappeared (whole map goes dark except one point of light) and all that was left was a tiny dot called Washington D.C.? Now imagine that within this tiny world there was no longer radio, television, the internet, telephones, gas engines or even electricity. And assume that the only thing that farmers were allowed to grow was vegetables. No beef, pork, chicken or fish. And finally imagine that even wishing for any of these things was now a death sentence executed by a monster. If you can imagine all that you’ve just entered the Bizarro Zone (well I couldn’t use the real name).
Scene 2 – A ramshackle farm building with peeling paint and a wooden porch with a porch swing with an old haggard woman fanning herself with a piece of paper.
NRS – And here is the lair of the monster, a farmhouse with all the misery of pre-industrial life on display. Over there in the swing on the porch is Aunt Nancy Pelosi, she once had the most influence over the monster but one time she hinted that maybe eliminating all private jets wouldn’t be a “good thing” and she was reduced to the cracked-brain non-gavel wielding hag you see before you.
NP – Hey not so much of the hag thing. I just got another facelift and I’m a damn good-looking babe, you male chauvinist pig.
NRS – As I was saying, the monster does not like to be contradicted. Oh, and I’ve forgotten to introduce the monster. She’s a bug-eyed petulant millennial Latina from the Bronx who can’t even spell climatology but don’t be fooled. There’s a nasty mean streak behind that googly eyed expression and what passes for a brain is completely in charge of her surroundings. Meet Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or as she’s known to her fawning minions A-oh-see. (swift view change to show AOC trying to get something unstuck from between her horse teeth with her pinky nail, then noticing the camera and glaring in a cross-eyed scowl.
Scene 3 – Same farmhouse from the viewpoint facing the road. An overweight man (Al Gore) on a delivery bicycle is straining along the driveway to the house. On the ground in front of the house A-oh-see is playing in the dust. He pulls up in front of her.
AG – Hi, there A-oh-see. My it’s good to see you today. Whatcha doing there? Whatever it is it’s sure good, but I was just wondering what you were doing there.
AOC – I was figuring out how many white men it takes to pull a wagon for ten women of color in the next Cinco de Mayo parade.
AG – Oh, that’s a real good thing. Why I never knew so much good figuring going on as you sure can do.
AOC – Yeah, go away now, you’re starting to make me mad.
(Gore quickly scurries away toward the house. He carries some boxes into the kitchen and addresses Michelle Obama who is shucking corn in the sink)
AG – Hello Mrs. Obama, it’s certainly a good day today and we all just love A-oh-see so much, that’s right, she was out there figuring and figuring and it was just great.
MO – Hello Al. Yeah, it’s certainly a great day all right and we’re real happy here, we are.
AG – I brought you some things for the party tonight. I’ve got corn flour and whole wheat flour and baking soda.
MO – Have you got any white flour for the cake?
AG – Oh, we don’t have any more of that. Not since A-oh-see explained to us just how evil white is. No, we don’t want none of that, we don’t. I mean we used to think it was useful but it’s real good that A-oh-see set us straight on that. Well not straight, we don’t say straight no more we don’t, no sir, I mean no ma’am, Ma’am.
MO – Yeah, it’s funny how you forget how things used to be when you could just say something without being afraid.
AG – Oh, it’s good that you said that but I don’t think you mean it because it’s much better now that we don’t say anything that A-oh-see says is bad. It’s real, good.
MO – That’s right, it’s real, good. But last week when she was denouncing honey because it was stolen from bees, she got so excited from screaming that her eyes were extra bulged out and I thought maybe her blood pressure might be reaching maybe five hundred or something, mumble, mumble, mumble…
(Al Gore looking panicky and grabbing his box and heading for the door)
AG – I better be getting on, but can you let A-oh-see know that I got her corn flour that she likes so much? Can you tell her it was me who got it specially for her?
MO – I sure will Al. But don’t worry she hates you much less than most other white men.
Scene 4 – Same farmhouse, upstairs where Barack Obama is putting on his tie for the party. He looks in the mirror and sees A-oh-see staring at him in her friendliest cross-eyed frown.
BO – Oh, hi there, A-oh-see. It’s good that you were standing behind so quiet like.
AOC – None of the other congress persons came to play with me today. I wanted congress persons to play with today.
BO – Yes, it’s good that you wanted them to come but last time you denounced Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Congressional Black Caucus as a Zionist collaborator and they shaved her head and painted it red. Folks were awful upset about that.
AOC – But I want to play with other congress persons.
BO – Tell you what, we’ll invite some of the rinos. They’ll be so grateful just for being asked that they’ll come even if you do denounce them. they’re used to it anyway. Anyway, A-oh-see everybody loves you. You’re everybody’s favorite.
AOC – But I remember one time that somebody thought bad things about me. I can’t remember who it was. Who was that?
BO – Oh, that was Joe Crowley, after you beat him in the primary. He said you weren’t qualified. But don’t worry, Michelle had the FBI and the IRS defenestrate him so he won’t bother you anymore.
AOC – That’s right Joe Crowley, he was a bad white man, a very bad white man. I hate anybody who doesn’t do what I want.
BO – But everybody loves you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite. Now come on, let’s get ready for the party.
To be continued …
Announcer (who sounds amazingly like the late Don Pardo): We interrupt your usual sad programming to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.
President Trump: Good evening my fellow Americans and also, you tens of millions of criminal aliens living among us. I’m here tonight to discuss something very important so put down your bong or your cannabis vape or whatever other brain killing device you prefer and listen and try to understand the words coming out of my mouth, you losers.
The Congress is refusing to fund the wall so I have no choice but to take care of the job myself. I have personally put in a bid on ebay for the Great Wall of China, which by the way isn’t all that great and my bid of forty million dollars was accepted so within the month hundreds of thousands of communist Chinese workers will shift from making Apple smart phones to building the wall on our southern border. You may ask how I can afford to get the wall for forty million when I told Congress I needed five billion dollars. Well it’s simple. All the tariffs I’ve enacted and all the competitive manufacturing happening in America has put a dent in the Chinese Dragon and the Little Red Book really is in the red now so they’ll work for peanuts or even fortune cookies so to speak. Interestingly enough the wall is much longer than our southern border so I’ll use the rest of the bricks to put walls around the sanctuary cities and starve out the inhabitants and deport the illegals as they exit.
And finally, I had ICE look into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and what do you know? Nobody can find a birth certificate on little miss big mouth. So, I deported her to Mexico today and as soon as someone can prove she’s a citizen we’ll let her back in. But that’ll probably get me at least a few days of quiet. In the coming months I have several other projects that I will either self-fund or crowd fund depending on the circumstance. But either way I think keeping the government shut down is the way to go. I’ll be laying off most of the useless departments like Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development. I figure in about eleven months the Democrats will be willing to talk turkey just about in time for Thanksgiving. Well anyway, I’m done talking so you can resume watching your brain rot and sucking down your daily dose of poison. Try to do something useful today you hopeless degenerates.
Trump out.
Dramatis Personae: Robert Iger – (RI); The Ghost of Walt Disney – (GWD); Steven Spielberg – (SS); Robert De Niro – (RD); President Trump – (PT);
Scene 1 – Robert Iger’s Office, Steven Spielberg and Robert DeNiro are sitting facing Iger’s desk.
RI – Look Steve and Bob we’ve got to do something about this Oscar mess. ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we’re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training. And considering the money we’re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.
SS – Robert, why don’t we have Bob over here do the hosting? Everyone loves him. He’d be great.
RD – Yeah, Robert, I’ll kill it. I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we’ve purged this year.
RI – Are you insane? We’re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies. Can’t you try and be human?
SS – Robert, what’s wrong with playing to our base?
RI – Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn’t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years. We’ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I’m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel. Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?
SS – How about Tom Hanks?
RD – No good. Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling. That’s hate speech.
RI – Great Caesar’s Ghost! Doesn’t GLAAD ever take a break?
SS – I’m sorry Robert, Tom was our last straight man that hasn’t been #MeToo’ed.
RI – Alright you two idiots, get out of here. I’ve got to have some quiet so I can think.
Scene 2 – Robert Iger’s bedroom that same night. Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.
RI – What can I do? I’ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling. What can I do, what can I do.
Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger’s bed.
GWD – Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?
RI – Is that really you Walt Disney?
GWD – No I’m Tupac Shakur. Of course, it’s me, you idiot. You’ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall. What’s the matter, are you blind?
RI – I just can’t believe you’re really here.
GWD – Well, it’s not as if I had a choice. I can’t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.
RI – But what can I do? The only man who isn’t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.
GWD – The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes) And when you wake up you’ll have the answer.
Scene 3 – Host’s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars. President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.
PT – Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood. I’m here because I’m the only living man in these United States who isn’t afraid of the Outrage Police. So, I’ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.
Well I can do a lot better than that. How about four minutes? All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you’ve nominated. And I’ll tell you something else. If you don’t start making movies like they did in the last century you’ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade. My vote is for Deadpool 2. Oh, and DeNiro, you suck. Trump out.
Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA); Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG); Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ); Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV); Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)
White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm
(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)
PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules. I will now walk you through them.
First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone. This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question. Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit. It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it. Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice. Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder. Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit. After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.
Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.
(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)
PT – Okay let’s see who’s first. How about you Major?
MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.
PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name. What’s your question?
MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?
PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist. You next Hallie.
MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!
PT – Major you weren’t next. Bet that stings though. Hallie, you’re next.
HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.
PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?
CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?
PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid. Al Drago, any question?
AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures? Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?
PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order. First, hah! Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua. You have a question Jim?
JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.
PT – That’s not a question. Major you’re next.
JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.
MG – Can I give my question to Jim.
PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.
HJ – Still no question sir.
PT – Cecilia?
CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?
PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game. And that brings us back to you Jim. Care to take another crack at it? But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.
(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)
JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?
PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim. You’re such a good boy! Catch the treat!
Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)
Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment
ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes. Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump. By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip. Let’s take a look.
(Cut to the recorded interview)
PT – Hello End-Lesley.
ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!
PT – Where the hell did that come from?
ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page. I mean good evening President Trump. Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!
PT – That’s better. Don’t want to confuse the audience. Who’s Mueller? Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles? No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?
ES – Uh, sure but hold up. You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.
PT – Okay fine. I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet. He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms. I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows? He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile. Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.
ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!
PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set. Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done. If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing. What else have you got?
ES – Fine! How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?
PT – First off, she’s not a doctor. She’s more like a yoga instructor. Secondly, she’s got too many names. Tell her to pick one. And third, you call that making fun? I was being nice! That woman is a fruit cake. She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue. Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room. I’d have mocked them right out of the building. You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.
ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.
PT – Really? That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts. So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper? Please don’t make me laugh. If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.
ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.
PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped? How about Juanita Broaddrick? And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted? How about Kathleen Willey?
ES – But that was a long time ago.
PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.
ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!
PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.
ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (runs off stage)
PT – Good night End-Lesley.
(Voice coming over the tape)
ES – How could you televise that? That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP)
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office; 8 am, Monday Morning;
(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)
PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike …………. PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!
(Vice President Pence enters through the door)
VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.
PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing. You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done. Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.
VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.
PT – I have to agree with you Mike. It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.
VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.
PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated. We must provide a memorial to it.
VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …
PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, come on! Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt? All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!
VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…
PT – Mike, you’re so right. Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument. I mean who goes to North Dakota?
VPP – South Dakota.
PT – You see? Nobody even knows where it is.
VPP – What I meant was…
PT – Exactly. The American people deserve better. As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.
VPP – Gold?
PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.
VPP – How big is this going to be?
PT – None of this is written in stone yet.
VPP – Joke?
PT – Not funny. Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument. And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold. Can you just see it?
VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America. Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.
PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?
VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?
PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.
VPP – Ah, well. Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.
PT – Why?
VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big. Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.
PT – Ah hah! That’s where you’re wrong. I have consulted with Elon Musk. And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair. So as you can see it’s all coming together.
VPP – You’re right. What was I thinking? How could this not be a good idea? Anything else sir?
PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.
VPP – No, thank you sir. My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon. Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.
PT – Suit yourself.