Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani (RG); Joy Reid (JR); Anderson Cooper (AC); Rachel Maddow (RM);
(Scene 1: Inside the media booth at the final Democratic Debate in San Francisco)
CA – Hello, I’m Christiane Amanpour with my interesting British accent, and we’re here at the final 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate in beautiful San Francisco, California.
RG – Beautiful? You call trying to navigate around a sidewalk festooned with human feces and vomit beautiful? Christiane, that’s some weird alternate reality you live in.
CA – And as you can see and hear, I’m joined by the always cantankerous, former Mayor of New York and current attorney for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani.
RG – I can live with cantankerous.
CA – And we’ll be here to see who will step up and try to knock Bernie Sanders off his trajectory of winning the Democratic Presidential Nomination.
RG – Actually I’m here for the laughs. These losers are trying to stop the Crazy Party from nominating the King of the Lunatics. That seems to be an impossibility.
CA – Despite Rudy’s penchant for Right Wing propaganda, it will be interesting to see if the more moderate candidates attempt to make an issue of Bernie Sanders flirtation with socialism.
RG – Flirtation? I would say that it was consummated to use a polite word. To continue your analogy, if this were seventy years ago, we’d be seeing a shotgun wedding between Bernie and Communism.
CA – Well, enough of this banter. Let’s go to the debate stage. The seven candidates are now advancing to their podiums and the moderators are seated. We have CNN’s Anderson Cooper and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid.
RG – Ah yes, the voices of reason. Where did I put my barf bag?
(Scene 2: Wide shot of the moderators and candidates on the debate stage)
JR – I’m Joy Reid and welcome to the audience here at the Palace of Fine Arts here in vibrant San Francisco.
(A voice from the audience gives a loud bitter laugh and an epithet. A struggle is seen in the audience and a man is tased and carried away.)
JR – Spirits are high and let’s meet our panel and the candidates. I’m joined by my colleagues Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who know in their hearts that that wasn’t me who allegedly said those homophobic remarks all those years ago because that is not who I am.
(Maddow and Cooper glare at her over rigid smiles.)
JR – And here are the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates. In decreasing order of electoral relevance, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist democrat from Vermont; Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City; Vice President Joe Biden of Delaware; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana; Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts; Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota; Billionaire Tom Steyer of San Francisco California. Welcome all of you or Zae, Zee, Zi, Zo, Zou and sometimes Zy.
(The candidates look confused and mumble some replies.)
RM – Hey wait a minute, that’s not Tom Steyer there at the loser end of the podium. It’s a masked intruder in an ill-fitting white pantsuit!
MC – That’s right Rachel Maddow, I am the “mystery candidate” and Tom Steyer has voluntarily surrendered his place on the stage and his billion-dollar fortune to me in my run for the presidency.
AC – But that’s nonsense. This is the end of the campaign and there’s no way that can be justified under the rules of the debate or the DNC campaign requirements.
BP – Wanna bet Anderson? How do you think they justified screwing me out of the nomination last time?
RM – Alright but why the mask? You’re obviously Hillary Clinton and you’re not fooling anyone.
MC – That’s ridiculous! Hillary Clinton is so beloved by the people that she would never disguise herself. It would be throwing away her natural advantage.
RM – If that’s so how come you lost the last two times you ran.
MC – That’s a damn lie. The Russians stole the election from me. … I mean from her.
JR – Alright, whatever, we don’t have all night let’s move on and get this show on the road.
AC – The first question will be answered by all the candidates. Why do you want to be President of the United States of America? Senator Sanders?
BS – I wanna say that when I am President the first order of business will be to make the minimum wage $500 dollars an hour. That way all Americans will be earning a million dollars a year. Then I will make the tax on the million-dollar bracket 100%. That will flood the treasury with cash and balance the budget. I would seize all businesses and nationalize them and all profits would be divided equally by all the people. And finally, I would declare all humans and some primates American citizens and allow them all to enjoy the fruits of this land. To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities.
RM – Hey that’s misogynist! You should have said her or at least their.
BS – Yes, that’s what I should have said. But, I am very old, you know.
MB – Hey can I say something in rebuttal?
AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, it’s your turn to answer the question. If you want to discuss Senator Sander’s answer feel free.
MB- Thanks. Bernie Sanders is a dangerous lunatic. What he just laid out was a delusional plan that would bankrupt the country and collapse the financial system of the entire planet. I can’t actually calculate how bad it would be but I guess that tens of millions would starve in the first few months and the urban areas would devolve into cannibalism within the first year. Shortly after that the Chinese would invade and occupy the more desirable farming and mining areas and allow the rest to revert to primitive tribalism.
BS – This bloated plutocrat is lying. He has grown fat on the forced labor of the lumpen proletariat.
MB – Hey looks who’s talking about bloated and fat. I keep my weight at a very optimal point and you look pretty flabby to me Mr. Millionaire Communist.
BS – Liar, I’m a Democratic Socialist! And a millionaire isn’t a billionaire like you!
MB – Socialist, Communist. Potato, pattata.
AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve critiqued your opponent’s plan. What is you reason for running?
MB – I see the most urgent threat that America is faced with is what to do about the “Big Gulp.” Are you aware that the fifty-ounce beverage is killing more Americans each year than cancer and opioids combined? And also, the average American butt size has increased by eleven inches over the last twenty years. I am on a crusade to bring health and longevity to the people of this great country. Once my War on gulps is victorious, I intend to go after the Big Mac, the Whopper and, God willing, the all you can eat Lobster Fest at Red Lobster.
AC – Well I see what you mean about butt size. It’s a pet peeve of mine too. Well Mr. Vice President, it’s your turn.
JB – You know when I was the right-hand man of a certain clean articulate President named Barack Obama, I suppose you remember him, he said to me, he said, “Joe, old friend, what can be done to stop the Big Gulp?” Well I drew up a plan and pushed through the legislation in record time and that’s how we defeated the Big Gulp.
MB – That never happened.
JB – Listen you lying, dog-faced pony soldier, why don’t we have a push up contest or go out behind the barn and decide this the old-fashioned way with chains and straight razors.
AC – Please Mr. Vice President, try to stay on track.
JB – Well as I was saying, back last year when I was Vice President, I set up the program that made the minimum wage $500 an hour and that’s how we ended poverty in our lifetime.
(Stunned silence descends on the stage and crowd.)
AC – While the former Vice President is being escorted to the emergency room for treatment, can you tell us your reason for being President, Mayor Buttigieg.
PB – Thank you Anderson, we all acknowledge the terrible struggle you’ve endured at the hands of the rampant homophobia that is America’s scourge. I too have tasted the whiplash sting of its cruelty.
AC – Ahhhh? You do know I’m a Vanderbilt and have hundreds of millions of dollars, right?
PB – No amount of wealth can make up for the whiplash sting of cruelty.
AC – Sure, but it really helps, don’t you think?
PB – Well, maybe. Anyway, my priority will be ensuring that every American child knows the name and correct pronunciation for the names of all the Latin American dictators, uhhh … I mean leaders in our hemisphere.
AK – Screw you, you little jerk.
AC – Please Senator Klobuchar, your turn isn’t next.
AK – He sucks!
PB – Homophobe!
AK – Ahhh, grow a pair you little weasel!
AC – Please, please! Let’s get back to business. Senator Warren it’s your turn.
EW – Thank you Anderson. One of the most important parts of my candidacy is bringing a woman’s perspective to the presidency. Women are the practical money handlers in their families. We know how to avoid debt and live within our means. Looking at Senator Sanders’ ridiculous proposal it doesn’t take a CPA to see that a $500 an hour minimum wage is insanity. The fact that he doesn’t recognize its absurdity is proof of his unfitness to be President. Applying a real-world perspective along with a woman’s social justice instincts points to a minimum wage that is absolutely no higher than $450 an hour.
MB – Is it too late for me to get a MAGA hat?
AC – Alright let’s hang in there for a few more minutes. This thing is almost over. Senator Klobuchar have you got some brief comments you’d like to make.
AK – You betcha. I can’t win this thing. I’m too close to normal. What I would like to do is throw something at that little weasel Buttigieg. If someone will just hold him for a second, I’ll kick his skinny little butt.
AC – Security please escort Senator Klobuchar from the stage and get Mayor Pete some smelling salts. Alright, “Mystery Candidate,” would you like a shot at the question?
MC – I’d be delighted Anderson. For all of my life I’ve strived to educate the American people about their unworthiness and what they needed to do to atone for their sins. And at the top of that list is making me their President. I’ve suffered as no other woman ever has. I’ve been ridiculed for my looks, my weight, my voice, my husband’s womanizing and for the very large number of coincidental suicides that seem to occur all around me. I want to be President so that all this persecution will end. I will set up a Presidential tribunal that will adjudicate all these capitol offenses fairly and once these people have been brought to justice, I intend to eliminate the 22nd amendment by executive order and give the United States the permanent and hereditary leadership it has always deserved.
AC – Okay, I think my colleagues will agree to skip their questioning so that we can escape before the voters storm this building and drag us off to Alcatraz for summary execution. I apologize heartily to the American people and promise to find a real job where I can atone for my connection to this lunatic asylum.
(Scene 3: Inside the media booth)
RG – Well there you have it. Christiane Amanpour has fled the building with Joe Biden in hot pursuit trying to grab her shoulders and smell her hair. I haven’t had such a good time since the Yankees won the World Series from the Mets in 2000. Well anyway, it doesn’t look like there’ll be much drama in November but I suppose that’s best for the country. But I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Sorry it couldn’t have gone longer but these people really do need to get back to the hospital. Good night and Keep America Great in November.
