Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani (RG); Joy Reid (JR); Anderson Cooper (AC); Rachel Maddow (RM);<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
(Scene 1: Inside the media booth at the final Democratic Debate in San Francisco)<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n CA \u2013 Hello, I\u2019m Christiane Amanpour with my interesting British accent, and we\u2019re here at the final 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate in beautiful San Francisco, California.<\/p>\n RG \u2013 Beautiful?\u00a0 You call trying to navigate around a sidewalk festooned with human feces and vomit beautiful?\u00a0 Christiane, that\u2019s some weird alternate reality you live in.<\/p>\n CA \u2013 And as you can see and hear, I\u2019m joined by the always cantankerous, former Mayor of New York and current attorney for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani.<\/p>\n RG \u2013 I can live with cantankerous.<\/p>\n CA \u2013 And we\u2019ll be here to see who will step up and try to knock Bernie Sanders off his trajectory of winning the Democratic Presidential Nomination.<\/p>\n RG \u2013 Actually I\u2019m here for the laughs.\u00a0 These losers are trying to stop the Crazy Party from nominating the King of the Lunatics.\u00a0 That seems to be an impossibility.<\/p>\n CA \u2013 Despite Rudy\u2019s penchant for Right Wing propaganda, it will be interesting to see if the more moderate candidates attempt to make an issue of Bernie Sanders flirtation with socialism.<\/p>\n RG \u2013 Flirtation?\u00a0 I would say that it was consummated to use a polite word.\u00a0 To continue your analogy, if this were seventy years ago, we\u2019d be seeing a shotgun wedding between Bernie and Communism.<\/p>\n CA \u2013 Well, enough of this banter.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go to the debate stage.\u00a0 The seven candidates are now advancing to their podiums and the moderators are seated.\u00a0 We have CNN\u2019s Anderson Cooper and MSNBC\u2019s Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid.<\/p>\n RG \u2013 Ah yes, the voices of reason.\u00a0 Where did I put my barf bag?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n (Scene 2: Wide shot of the moderators and candidates on the debate stage)<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n JR \u2013 I\u2019m Joy Reid and welcome to the audience here at the Palace of Fine Arts here in vibrant San Francisco.<\/p>\n (A voice from the audience gives a loud bitter laugh and an epithet.\u00a0 A struggle is seen in the audience and a man is tased and carried away.)<\/em><\/p>\n JR \u2013 Spirits are high and let\u2019s meet our panel and the candidates.\u00a0 I\u2019m joined by my colleagues Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who know in their hearts that that wasn\u2019t me who allegedly said those homophobic remarks all those years ago because that is not who I am.<\/p>\n (Maddow and Cooper glare at her over rigid smiles.)<\/em><\/p>\n JR \u2013 And here are the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates.\u00a0 In decreasing order of electoral relevance, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist democrat from Vermont; Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City; Vice President Joe Biden of Delaware; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana; Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts; Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota; Billionaire Tom Steyer of San Francisco California.\u00a0 Welcome all of you or Zae, Zee, Zi, Zo, Zou and sometimes Zy.<\/p>\n (The candidates look confused and mumble some replies.)<\/em><\/p>\n RM \u2013 Hey wait a minute, that\u2019s not Tom Steyer there at the loser end of the podium.\u00a0 It\u2019s a masked intruder in an ill-fitting white pantsuit!<\/p>\n MC \u2013 That\u2019s right Rachel Maddow, I am the \u201cmystery candidate\u201d and Tom Steyer has voluntarily surrendered his place on the stage and his billion-dollar fortune to me in my run for the presidency.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 But that\u2019s nonsense.\u00a0 This is the end of the campaign and there\u2019s no way that can be justified under the rules of the debate or the DNC campaign requirements.<\/p>\n BP \u2013 Wanna bet Anderson?\u00a0 How do you think they justified screwing me out of the nomination last time?<\/p>\n RM \u2013 Alright but why the mask?\u00a0 You\u2019re obviously Hillary Clinton and you\u2019re not fooling anyone.<\/p>\n MC \u2013 That\u2019s ridiculous!\u00a0 Hillary Clinton is so beloved by the people that she would never disguise herself.\u00a0 It would be throwing away her natural advantage.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 If that\u2019s so how come you lost the last two times you ran.<\/p>\n MC \u2013 That\u2019s a damn lie.\u00a0 The Russians stole the election from me.\u00a0 \u2026 I mean from her.<\/p>\n JR \u2013 Alright, whatever, we don\u2019t have all night let\u2019s move on and get this show on the road.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 The first question will be answered by all the candidates.\u00a0 Why do you want to be President of the United States of America?\u00a0 Senator Sanders?<\/p>\n BS \u2013 I wanna say that when I am President the first order of business will be to make the minimum wage $500 dollars an hour.\u00a0 That way all Americans will be earning a million dollars a year.\u00a0 Then I will make the tax on the million-dollar bracket 100%.\u00a0 That will flood the treasury with cash and balance the budget.\u00a0 I would seize all businesses and nationalize them and all profits would be divided equally by all the people.\u00a0 And finally, I would declare all humans and some primates American citizens and allow them all to enjoy the fruits of this land.\u00a0 To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 Hey that\u2019s misogynist!\u00a0 You should have said her or at least their.<\/p>\n BS \u2013 Yes, that\u2019s what I should have said.\u00a0 But, I am very old, you know.<\/p>\n MB \u2013 Hey can I say something in rebuttal?<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Well Mayor Bloomberg, it\u2019s your turn to answer the question.\u00a0 If you want to discuss Senator Sander\u2019s answer feel free.<\/p>\n MB- Thanks.\u00a0 Bernie Sanders is a dangerous lunatic.\u00a0 What he just laid out was a delusional plan that would bankrupt the country and collapse the financial system of the entire planet.\u00a0 I can\u2019t actually calculate how bad it would be but I guess that tens of millions would starve in the first few months and the urban areas would devolve into cannibalism within the first year.\u00a0 Shortly after that the Chinese would invade and occupy the more desirable farming and mining areas and allow the rest to revert to primitive tribalism.<\/p>\n BS \u2013 This bloated plutocrat is lying.\u00a0 He has grown fat on the forced labor of the lumpen proletariat.<\/p>\n MB \u2013 Hey looks who\u2019s talking about bloated and fat.\u00a0 I keep my weight at a very optimal point and you look pretty flabby to me Mr. Millionaire Communist.<\/p>\n BS \u2013 Liar, I\u2019m a Democratic Socialist!\u00a0 And a millionaire isn\u2019t a billionaire like you!<\/p>\n MB \u2013 Socialist, Communist.\u00a0 Potato, pattata.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Well Mayor Bloomberg, you\u2019ve critiqued your opponent\u2019s plan.\u00a0 What is you reason for running?<\/p>\n MB \u2013 I see the most urgent threat that America is faced with is what to do about the \u201cBig Gulp.\u201d\u00a0 Are you aware that the fifty-ounce beverage is killing more Americans each year than cancer and opioids combined?\u00a0 And also, the average American butt size has increased by eleven inches over the last twenty years.\u00a0 I am on a crusade to bring health and longevity to the people of this great country.\u00a0 Once my War on gulps is victorious, I intend to go after the Big Mac, the Whopper and, God willing, the all you can eat Lobster Fest at Red Lobster.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Well I see what you mean about butt size.\u00a0 It\u2019s a pet peeve of mine too.\u00a0 Well Mr. Vice President, it\u2019s your turn.<\/p>\n JB \u2013 You know when I was the right-hand man of a certain clean articulate President named Barack Obama, I suppose you remember him, he said to me, he said, \u201cJoe, old friend, what can be done to stop the Big Gulp?\u201d\u00a0 Well I drew up a plan and pushed through the legislation in record time and that\u2019s how we defeated the Big Gulp.<\/p>\n MB \u2013 That never happened.<\/p>\n JB \u2013 Listen you lying, dog-faced pony soldier, why don\u2019t we have a push up contest or go out behind the barn and decide this the old-fashioned way with chains and straight razors.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Please Mr. Vice President, try to stay on track.<\/p>\n JB \u2013 Well as I was saying, back last year when I was Vice President, I set up the program that made the minimum wage $500 an hour and that\u2019s how we ended poverty in our lifetime.<\/p>\n (Stunned silence descends on the stage and crowd.<\/em>)<\/p>\n AC \u2013 While the former Vice President is being escorted to the emergency room for treatment, can you tell us your reason for being President, Mayor Buttigieg.<\/p>\n PB \u2013 Thank you Anderson, we all acknowledge the terrible struggle you\u2019ve endured at the hands of the rampant homophobia that is America\u2019s scourge.\u00a0 I too have tasted the whiplash sting of its cruelty.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Ahhhh?\u00a0 You do know I\u2019m a Vanderbilt and have hundreds of millions of dollars, right?<\/p>\n PB \u2013 No amount of wealth can make up for the whiplash sting of cruelty.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Sure, but it really helps, don\u2019t you think?<\/p>\n PB \u2013 Well, maybe.\u00a0 Anyway, my priority will be ensuring that every American child knows the name and correct pronunciation for the names of all the Latin American dictators, uhhh \u2026 I mean leaders in our hemisphere.<\/p>\n AK \u2013 Screw you, you little jerk.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Please Senator Klobuchar, your turn isn\u2019t next.<\/p>\n AK \u2013 He sucks!<\/p>\n PB \u2013 Homophobe!<\/p>\n AK \u2013 Ahhh, grow a pair you little weasel!<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Please, please!\u00a0 Let\u2019s get back to business.\u00a0 Senator Warren it\u2019s your turn.<\/p>\n EW \u2013 Thank you Anderson.\u00a0 One of the most important parts of my candidacy is bringing a woman\u2019s perspective to the presidency.\u00a0 Women are the practical money handlers in their families.\u00a0 We know how to avoid debt and live within our means.\u00a0 Looking at Senator Sanders\u2019 ridiculous proposal it doesn\u2019t take a CPA to see that a $500 an hour minimum wage is insanity.\u00a0 The fact that he doesn\u2019t recognize its absurdity is proof of his unfitness to be President.\u00a0 Applying a real-world perspective along with a woman\u2019s social justice instincts points to a minimum wage that is absolutely no higher than $450 an hour.<\/p>\n MB \u2013 Is it too late for me to get a MAGA hat?<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Alright let\u2019s hang in there for a few more minutes. This thing is almost over.\u00a0 Senator Klobuchar have you got some brief comments you\u2019d like to make.<\/p>\n AK \u2013 You betcha.\u00a0 I can\u2019t win this thing.\u00a0 I\u2019m too close to normal.\u00a0 What I would like to do is throw something at that little weasel Buttigieg.\u00a0 If someone will just hold him for a second, I\u2019ll kick his skinny little butt.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Security please escort Senator Klobuchar from the stage and get Mayor Pete some smelling salts.\u00a0 Alright, \u201cMystery Candidate,\u201d would you like a shot at the question?<\/p>\n MC \u2013 I\u2019d be delighted Anderson.\u00a0 For all of my life I\u2019ve strived to educate the American people about their unworthiness and what they needed to do to atone for their sins.\u00a0 And at the top of that list is making me their President.\u00a0 I\u2019ve suffered as no other woman ever has.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been ridiculed for my looks, my weight, my voice, my husband\u2019s womanizing and for the very large number of coincidental suicides that seem to occur all around me.\u00a0 I want to be President so that all this persecution will end.\u00a0 I will set up a Presidential tribunal that will adjudicate all these capitol offenses fairly and once these people have been brought to justice, I intend to eliminate the 22nd<\/sup> amendment by executive order and give the United States the permanent and hereditary leadership it has always deserved.<\/p>\n AC \u2013 Okay, I think my colleagues will agree to skip their questioning so that we can escape before the voters storm this building and drag us off to Alcatraz for summary execution.\u00a0 I apologize heartily to the American people and promise to find a real job where I can atone for my connection to this lunatic asylum.<\/p>\n (Scene 3: Inside the media booth)<\/strong><\/p>\n RG \u2013 Well there you have it.\u00a0 Christiane Amanpour has fled the building with Joe Biden in hot pursuit trying to grab her shoulders and smell her hair.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had such a good time since the Yankees won the World Series from the Mets in 2000.\u00a0 Well anyway, it doesn\u2019t look like there\u2019ll be much drama in November but I suppose that\u2019s best for the country.\u00a0 But I hope you\u2019ve enjoyed the show.\u00a0 Sorry it couldn\u2019t have gone longer but these people really do need to get back to the hospital.\u00a0 Good night and Keep America Great in November.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,818,6],"tags":[1455,1799,390,2107,1993,168,230,391],"class_list":["post-10018","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-ocf","category-trump","tag-1455","tag-2020-election","tag-conservative-humor","tag-democrat-2020-platform","tag-handicapping-2020","tag-humor","tag-right-wing-humor","tag-trump-humor"],"yoast_head":"\n