Maddow:\u00a0 Good evening everyone and welcome to the first presidential debate.\u00a0 I’m Rachel Maddow and tonight we’re here at Smith College to hear Senator Sanders and Mr Trump debate each other and answer the questions the whole country is asking.\u00a0 The agreed to rules are simple.\u00a0 Each candidate has 2 minutes to answer the question.\u00a0 His opponent has 2 minutes to respond.\u00a0 The moderator may ask a follow-on question.\u00a0 If either candidate overruns his time or attempts to speak out of turn his chair will be energized with a moderate electric shock.\u00a0 And here are our candidates.\u00a0 Gentlemen, welcome.<\/p>\n
Sanders:\u00a0 Rachel it’s good to be here among the good and thoughtful women of Smith College.\u00a0 I only hope that someday soon I’ll be able to liberate Smith from the cruel injustice of tuition and open the doors to everyone no matter how poor or stupid.<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Hello Rachel.\u00a0 Still no make-up, I see.\u00a0 Tell those cheapskates at MSNBC to break down and spring for a make-up girl for God’s sake.<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Mr. Trump, I’m a lesbian and do not submit to the stereotypical ideas of female grooming.<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Yeah, well even Rosie o’Donnell wore some make-up.\u00a0 I’m not saying it helped much but at least she tried.<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Let’s move on.\u00a0 First question is for Senator Sanders.\u00a0 Senator, if you are elected president what will be your first priority?<\/p>\n
Sanders:\u00a0 Rachel, that’s a good question.\u00a0 My first priority upon entering the White House will be to restore good relations with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.\u00a0 Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has indicated that if I am elected he will be encouraged to accept all the food and ICBM shipments we can send in exchange for 11 percent fewer condemnations of America in the DPRK’s news stories.\u00a0 I forsee the day when America and the DPRK will have reversed places with respect to caloric intake and nuclear megatonnage.\u00a0 Only then will we be able walk down that long road of accepting the guilt for having been happy and prosperous for so long.\u00a0 Once we’ve experienced starvation on a national level and had a couple of cities obliterated by thermonuclear attack, then we’ll finally know how evil we’ve been and … OWWWW!!<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 I’m sorry Senator but you’ve exceeded your time.<\/p>\n
Sanders:\u00a0 Holy crap Rachel, that smarts!<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Mr. Trump, your answer or rebuttal.<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Are you kidding me?\u00a0 What kind of freak show is this.\u00a0 I mean, come on!\u00a0 Look, the only reason me and the Nutty Professor over there are the candidates is because the Dems and Repubs were so completely brain-dead that they thought they could run Bush and Clinton again.\u00a0 So it doesn’t take a lot of smarts to know that I’m not the most qualified man for this job.\u00a0 I just happened to be willing to tell them that the Emperor had no clothes.\u00a0 But come on!\u00a0 This guy’s a raving lunatic.\u00a0 I’d as soon give Hannibal Lector a straight razor and ask him to give me a shave, as to let this guy control the nuclear stockpile.\u00a0 Look, for the good of the country, just load him up with some thorazine and cart him off to Bellevue.\u00a0 After this performance the only one nuts enough to vote for him will be the Occupy Mom’s Basement crowd.\u00a0 So shut off his mike and let’s call it a night.<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Mr. Trump you exceeded your time but you didn’t experience any electric shock?<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Of course not.\u00a0 I’m not stupid.\u00a0 I just put on a wet suit under my Trump Collection suit.\u00a0 Many people think it’s Armani but it’s even better.<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Mr. Trump, if you leave now it will be viewed as a victory for Senator Sanders.<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Rachel I knew you were odd but I didn’t think you were delusional.\u00a0 Look, if I don’t leave now people will think I’m as nuts as him.\u00a0 Anyway, do yourself a favor, don’t get in the elevator alone with that guy.\u00a0 He’s gonna go postal eventually,\u00a0 Don’t let it be with you.<\/p>\n
Sanders:\u00a0 Hey I resent these remarks!<\/p>\n
Trump:\u00a0 Shut up Bozo.\u00a0 You’ve had your say.\u00a0 Now go quietly with the orderlies and they won’t have to use the straitjacket.<\/p>\n
Maddow:\u00a0 Good night from MSNBC.<\/p>\n
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