{"id":1048,"date":"2017-05-06T18:52:38","date_gmt":"2017-05-06T22:52:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=1048"},"modified":"2017-07-30T09:34:38","modified_gmt":"2017-07-30T13:34:38","slug":"wherefore-art-thou-shmoe-meo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/05\/06\/wherefore-art-thou-shmoe-meo\/","title":{"rendered":"Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lycra Spandexy (LS) \u2013 Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo?<\/p>\n

Morning Shmoe (MS) \u2013 I\u2019m right here at the teleprompter and it\u2019s 37 seconds past the quarter hour my dear Lycra.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father\u2019s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed.\u00a0 A girl can only endure so much.\u00a0 You\u2019re a modern metrosexual man.\u00a0 Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah.\u00a0 Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again.\u00a0 He\u2019s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don\u2019t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Wow, that\u2019s grim.\u00a0 Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Uh, yeah sure.\u00a0 And three, two, one!<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 And we\u2019re back.\u00a0 During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 You said it toots.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 And since we\u2019re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we\u2019re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together.\u00a0 Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown.\u00a0 And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?<\/p>\n

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) \u2013 Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 But Mommy and Daddy said I\u2019d look like a princess!<\/p>\n

SS \u2013 This ain\u2019t your Mommy\u2019s network Princess.\u00a0 And I\u2019d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, this is real, you aren\u2019t dreaming, this your life.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Why do you keep saying that?<\/p>\n

SS \u2013 You-Tube said it gets clicks.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Next up is noted gender studies authority and NY Times bestselling author of, \u201cPainful Changes, Wardrobe Choices,\u201d Dave-Sue Haddgonadds.\u00a0 Good morning Dr. Haddgonadds.\u00a0 Am I pronouncing that correctly?<\/p>\n

Dave-Sue Haddgonadds (DSH) \u2013 The dees are silent, you silly man.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 My apologies.\u00a0 Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color.\u00a0 You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today.\u00a0 It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 That\u2019s no excuse.\u00a0 Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices.\u00a0 For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Five foot three?<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 Yes Dr. Farber is a virtuoso with the bone saw.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m comfortable with the idea of gender reassignment surgery.<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 No problem.\u00a0 There\u2019s no pressure whatsoever.\u00a0 Our motto is \u201cIf you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.\u201d<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Somehow, that\u2019s less than totally reassuring.<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6\u2019 3\u2019\u2019with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 But I want to be a princess!<\/p>\n

DSH \u2013 Fine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll compromise You can be bi-sexual.\u00a0 See I\u2019m willing to meet you half way.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist.\u00a0 He\u2019s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious.\u00a0 Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?<\/p>\n

Tad Litigious (TL) \u2013 No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 But there is no vee.<\/p>\n

TL \u2013 That\u2019s why it\u2019s silent.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.<\/p>\n

TL \u2013 Well, first off Shmoe, you\u2019re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Why?\u00a0 Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility.\u00a0 I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.<\/p>\n

TL \u2013 Sure you do Poindexter.\u00a0 But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I\u2019ll set you straight on a couple of items.\u00a0 So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points.\u00a0 Super-duper.\u00a0 But let\u2019s look about five years down the road.\u00a0 By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure.\u00a0 Now based on what I\u2019ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn\u2019t going to go into the baby raising business for you.\u00a0 She\u2019s gonna shop her act around the networks and she\u2019ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain.\u00a0 My guess is you\u2019re the kind of old boy who\u2019ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I\u2019m guessing you\u2019ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds.\u00a0 Now, if you don\u2019t have a pre-nup in place, she\u2019ll get 85% of your stuff.\u00a0 If you have one she\u2019ll get 55%.\u00a0 So, it\u2019s your call.\u00a0 I get paid either way.<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Well Tad, that all seems very unlikely, (sotto voce) call me later.<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Hey I heard that!<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Well that\u2019s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife.\u00a0 Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time.\u00a0 But for me and Lycra\u2026<\/p>\n

LS \u2013 Up yours Shmoe!<\/p>\n

MS \u2013 Here\u2019s to a happy and progressive today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency   Lycra Spandexy (LS) \u2013 Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo? Morning Shmoe (MS) \u2013 I\u2019m<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[168,179,178,180],"class_list":["post-1048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-humor","tag-lycra-spandexy","tag-morning-shmoe","tag-shmoe-browfurrowed"],"yoast_head":"\nWherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo? - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/05\/06\/wherefore-art-thou-shmoe-meo\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo? - Orion's Cold Fire\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency   Lycra Spandexy (LS) \u2013 Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo? 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