So, on Thursdays I usually headed downtown for dinner at the Club.\u00a0 The food was okay.\u00a0 The service was slow.\u00a0 The drink selection was limited.\u00a0 The dues were outrageous.\u00a0 But the company was never bad.\u00a0 Not that it was always exceptional, but it was never annoying.\u00a0 There was a rule against annoying.\u00a0 You could be boring or quiet but if management saw you annoying one of the other guests you would be gone very soon, and you wouldn’t be back.\u00a0 Or rather you might be back but the Club would be gone.\u00a0 It was a by-invitation-only organization that could and did change venue seemingly at random.\u00a0 If you didn’t show up for a week (or a month or a decade) no one would bat an eye when you showed up next.\u00a0 But if you didn’t get a change of venue notice then your presence was no longer desired.\u00a0 So, who was invited?\u00a0 Well any member could recommend a new member.\u00a0 But only the Owner sent out invites.\u00a0 And if someone was brought along by any member uninvited then both men would not be returning.\u00a0 Oh, and all members were men.\u00a0 Also, a rule.\u00a0 The first few times a new member attended he might mention the lack of women as an oddity (or even a relief) but soon it just became the norm.\u00a0 Now you might think that such an arrangement would dissolve sooner or later due to the friction that such arbitrary rules would create.\u00a0 Or that the desire to continue in such a seemingly mediocre establishment would not be strong enough to maintain a decent showing.\u00a0 You’d be wrong.\u00a0 On any given night twenty patrons would be in attendance.\u00a0 Some nights there might be forty.\u00a0 This popularity must be attributed to the ability of the Owner to pick men.\u00a0 He had a profile that provided almost fool-proof selection.\u00a0 His vetting process was scrupulous and thorough.\u00a0 The selection failures were few and so far, the fallout from these had always been repairable.\u00a0 Apparently, his damage control methods were effective and discrete.<\/p>\n
So, what was the profile?\u00a0 Married with children, wife raised the kids and made a home for the family, husband supported the family (employed or a businessman), over thirty-five years of age and intolerant of the presence of idiots.\u00a0 Who decided what idiocy was limited to?\u00a0 In this case the Owner.\u00a0 He looked for signs and circumstances.\u00a0 Negative evidence was probably more important than positive.\u00a0 A lack of bumper stickers with slogans like Coexist and Tolerance was a given.\u00a0 The absence of financial support for any organization that explicitly or implicitly supported involuntary redistribution of wealth was a bare minimum requirement. \u00a0Mostly he used second hand accounts followed up by field work.\u00a0 He was very thorough.\u00a0 There were no idiots.\u00a0 Finally, the smoking prohibition.\u00a0 You were prohibited from bothering anybody who wanted to smoke.\u00a0 There was a no-smoking section but that was pretty empty most nights.<\/p>\n
Oh, and once a year you had to be able to tell a truly interesting story.\u00a0 So, either you were someone who had interesting things happening in your life or you had to be a great story teller.\u00a0 Either would do.\u00a0 Of course, how would you know if the story were true?\u00a0 Well, you couldn’t ask (another rule).<\/p>\n
So, it was a Thursday.\u00a0 It was a warm night for early October.\u00a0 Barely jacket weather.\u00a0 No clouds and a bright moon.\u00a0 When I arrived, I was greeted at the front desk by Dave and buzzed in to the main hall.\u00a0 I could see it was a slow night, maybe twenty-five patrons were milling around and waiting for seating.\u00a0 I noticed the Owner (Dan) standing in a corner talking to a new face.\u00a0 I headed over to say hi and find out what was on the menu.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Dan, what’s good tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you ask me, nothing.\u00a0 I’d stick with the chicken fried steak.\u00a0 Unless you’re well insured, then go with the fish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow.\u00a0 That’s grim.\u00a0 Maybe you should lie until the new members have ordered the special.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI’m not worried.\u00a0 Have you met Jim?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNice to meet you Jim.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, this is John.\u00a0 He’s a regular.\u00a0 Guess his wife is sick of looking at him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn the contrary, I’m adored and pampered by the missus.\u00a0 I only come here to allow her a night to visit her family.\u00a0 When she gets home from seeing her sisters, suddenly I seem like more of a catch compared with her brothers in law.\u00a0 They’re quite a group.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHi John.\u00a0 Nice to meet you.\u00a0 Yeah, I know what you mean.\u00a0 My wife\u2019s got three sisters and from how they describe their husbands I’m guessing someone’s going to be on a most wanted show sooner or later.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dan broke in:<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, Jim here is new, can you introduce him around and find a spot for him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u00a0 Jim, you interested in some penny ante poker before dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI like poker, but I’m a pretty lousy player.\u00a0 I tend to bet over enthusiastically.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat, you’ll be the most popular guy here tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat’s what I’m afraid of.\u00a0 Seriously I’ve only got a few bucks in my pocket.\u00a0 Will that get me through?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, it really is penny ante.\u00a0 We only use money to keep it from getting too boring.\u00a0 Mostly we play to slow us down while we’re scarfing down cold cuts.\u00a0 Come on.\u00a0 I’ll introduce you to the boys.\u201d<\/p>\n
We headed over to a table of regulars that had a few empty seats.\u00a0 I introduced Jim and we all got to talking about the latest travesty in D.C.\u00a0 This proved very popular with everyone.\u00a0 Within five minutes Jim was right in the thick of the grumbling and indistinguishable from the veterans.\u00a0 A few minutes later the waiter came by and took our orders.\u00a0 As I mentioned earlier the food was so-so.\u00a0 But tonight, rib-eye was on the menu and the steak was usually very good.\u00a0 I think it was something Dan liked so we benefited from his choice in that respect.\u00a0 I ordered it along with a couple of baked potatoes and got back to the conversation.\u00a0 Consensus had built to the effect that if Obama was not actually Satan then at the very least, he was a close relation.\u00a0 The usual fifty-seven states and \u201ccorpseman\u201d jokes were worked over again and everyone settled in for the dinner.\u00a0 Someone asked Jim where he was from.\u00a0 \u201cI’m originally from Brooklyn but I’ve been living in various places in New England for the last twenty plus years\u201d.\u00a0 This elicited the obligatory \u201cpahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd\u201d responses and a few heartfelt shots at the Sox and Pats from the mostly New York City group.\u00a0 He laughed it off and said he was a die-hard Yankees fan but that he didn’t pay any mind to the rabid New England fans.\u00a0 \u201cMostly I just wait for the bad years and feign sympathy while they wallow in misery.\u00a0 It really is fun to watch.\u201d\u00a0 Then I asked Jim if he had given his first annual story yet.\u00a0 He looked troubled and confessed that he was dreading it.\u00a0 \u201cI’m not much of a public speaker.\u00a0 It’s gonna be like getting a root canal without Novocain.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHey, it’s a piece of cake.\u00a0 First of all, have a couple of belts before you get started and we don’t get started until we move into the sitting room.\u00a0 The chairs are very comfortable in there and really reduce the stress levels.\u00a0 Concentrate on someone sitting next to you and it won’t seem like public speaking.\u00a0 More like just a bull-session.\u201d\u00a0 After that we got caught up in an argument over whether \u201cThe Maltese Falcon\u201d was a better Bogey movie than \u201cTreasure of the Sierra Madre.\u201d\u00a0 This lasted about half an hour and introduced all kinds of heretical views and produced much heat but almost no light.\u00a0 Luckily at that point the food arrived.\u00a0 Sure enough, the rib eye was just about perfect.\u00a0 By the time I was done with the second spud and was sopping up a little juice with a hunk of \u00a0French bread I had reached what I imagined Gautama must have been hoping for when he started sitting cross-legged under that tree.<\/p>\n
The beer and wine were flowing pretty freely at our table and the dishes had been removed and someone asked if we should start the card game up again but there were no takers so we wandered into the sitting room and the group continued with a discussion on the latest movie.\u00a0 It was a science fiction adventure yarn with Earth being invaded by super-intelligent lobsters from the Andromeda Galaxy.\u00a0 Many rude comments were expressed over the lack of actual proof that shellfish had what it takes to invent a really convincing warp drive.\u00a0 Interestingly, Jim was extremely quiet when disparagement of the idea that extraterrestrials might visit the Earth was being discussed.<\/p>\n
Dan showed up and instructed the wait staff and the members to drag the chairs into the traditional half circle around the speaker\u2019s seat by the fire place.\u00a0 By this point I could see that the crowd was about thirty men.\u00a0 And surprisingly Dan was leading Jim over to the speaker\u2019s chair.\u00a0 As he settled himself in, I could tell that he was pretty nervous.\u00a0 Dan introduced Jim as a new member and applauded him for the courage to tell his story on his first night in the club.\u00a0 Jim thanked him, looked around the circle nervously and cleared his throat.\u00a0 Everyone expected him to proceed so a very noticeable silence built up for about two minutes while Jim seemed to be staring at his feet.\u00a0 Finally I could see several men fidgeting in their chairs and scratching their faces in a sort of impatient way.\u00a0 Then Jim cleared his throat again and began.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs the subject of my story I\u2019d like to tell you how I saved the Earth almost single-handedly from interstellar invasion.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could tell it was going to be a really good Thursday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So, on Thursdays I usually headed downtown for dinner at the Club.\u00a0 The food was okay.\u00a0 The service was slow.\u00a0 The drink selection was limited.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[241,1289,237,4,242],"tags":[68,76,168,2462,1290,265],"class_list":["post-10730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-book-reviews","category-fiction-by-me","category-reviews","category-sff","category-sff-book-reviews","tag-book-review","tag-fiction-writing","tag-humor","tag-lectures-in-quantum-history-for-the-advanced-undergraduate","tag-my-fiction","tag-science-fiction"],"yoast_head":"\n