{"id":1087,"date":"2017-05-13T10:09:47","date_gmt":"2017-05-13T14:09:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=1087"},"modified":"2017-07-30T09:34:02","modified_gmt":"2017-07-30T13:34:02","slug":"trump-vs-the-f-b-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/05\/13\/trump-vs-the-f-b-i\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump vs The F.B.I."},"content":{"rendered":"

Scene 1 (White House, Oval Office)<\/p>\n

President Trump (PT) \u2013 Look Jeff, I\u2019m glad that Comey is finally out of there but you\u2019ve got to clean out that nest of bozos over there right away.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to have the FBI doing some real work.\u00a0 Between the narcotraficantes and the street gangs Americans are losing faith in the government.<\/p>\n

Jeff Sessions (JS) \u2013 Mr. President, we\u2019re firing and reorganizing as quickly as we can but there are just so many Obama plants in the FBI that it\u2019s like trying to swat a cloud of mosquitoes.\u00a0 You\u2019re still gonna get bit.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 That bad?\u00a0 How many useful agents are there?<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 I\u2019d say about 40%.\u00a0 And there\u2019s just no easy way to segregate the good from the bad effectively enough to control the problems.\u00a0 When we restrict the classified clearance of the known bad actors they jump on someone else\u2019s computer and steal info off the database when they get a chance.\u00a0 And how can you stop that?\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to tell one guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut from another.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Never disparage a guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut.\u00a0 He could be the next Commander in Chief.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 No offense intended sir.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 And none perceived.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 Exactly.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Well, Jeff, something\u2019s gotta give.\u00a0 I\u2019ll discuss this with my highest counsel and get back to you.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 Ivanka?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 No, Schmoopy.<\/p>\n

Scene 2 (White House, West Wing)<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Hello Schmoopy.<\/p>\n

Melania Trump (MT) \u2013 Hello Schmoopy.\u00a0 Why do you have on the sad face?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Because the FBI is full of bozos.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Schmoopy, what is the bozos?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 A bozo is a clown.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 But the bozos should make you smile and laugh.\u00a0 Do they wear the funny face and the big shoes?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 No they wear the cheap suit and the bad haircut.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Well that is the problem.\u00a0 I never laugh at the cheap suit and the bad haircut.\u00a0 It is not funny but very sad.\u00a0 Why do you not make them wear the bozo suit?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Because no one would put up with that.\u00a0 He\u2019d quit first.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Would that be so bad.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 No Schmoopy.\u00a0 That would be kinda good.\u00a0 Thanks.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 That reminds me, I\u2019ve got to bring in the tailor and the barber for you.\u00a0 We must look our best Schmoopy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 3 (FBI Headquarters \u2013 Jeff Sessions addressing the Executive Leadership of the FBI divisions)<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 President Trump has formulated a strategy to streamline and optimize the reorganization of the Bureau.\u00a0 Effective immediately the organization will be divided into two groupings.\u00a0 The new division will start out essentially empty.\u00a0 It will contain a new director whom I will select and an administrative staff. This division will be augmented by any of the existing personnel of the Bureau who can be reliably vetted as effective agents.\u00a0 This new division will be designated the Federal Bureau of Investigation.<\/p>\n

Agent Smith (AG) \u2013 Mr. Sessions, won\u2019t the other division still be called the FBI.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 Yes, it will in fact be called the FBI.\u00a0 This older grouping will start out with all the personnel of the current Bureau.\u00a0 It will be up to the rank and file to facilitate their transfer to the new organization.\u00a0 They can do this by telling us where the \u201cbodies are buried.\u201d<\/p>\n

AG \u2013 Why exactly would we want to leave our present positions?\u00a0 We have a pretty good organization and we like the way things are done now.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 Well, there are some changes coming down the pike.\u00a0 For one we\u2019re changing the dress code.\u00a0 Here is a visual on the standard attire that will be expected starting Monday.\u00a0 Of course, some variation will be accommodated for gender and ethnic considerations but essentially this is your new look.<\/p>\n

AG \u2013 Sir, that\u2019s a photo of Bozo the Clown.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 Yes, the beloved Icon of the 1960s and \u201870s.\u00a0 You all will don the face paint, big red squeaky nose, orange hair tufts, size twenty shoes and colorful puffy jumpsuit of Bozo.\u00a0 This will incentivize you to consider helping us clean out the rat\u2019s nest of Obama bitter clingers and fifth columnists.\u00a0 Also, it will allow us to easily monitor your proximity around sensitive information and systems.\u00a0 Standard operating procedure will be to check for clowns before leaving your work station unattended even for a second.\u00a0 And on your official government identification badge will be emblazoned your new department name FBI \u2013 Feckless Bozos of Imbecility.<\/p>\n

AG \u2013 You paint a vivid picture Mr. Sessions.<\/p>\n

JS \u2013 We want to make this decision as clear as we possibly can.\u00a0 You will stay in your present structure under the new arrangement.\u00a0 You will be assigned duties that include Saturday Morning Children\u2019s Television and outreach to pediatric hospital wards.\u00a0 Classes in juggling and seltzer squirting marksmanship will be mandatory.\u00a0 This will go on until either:<\/p>\n