This movie review is only for those who revel in cheesy, almost unwatchably bad horror and sci-fi movies of yesteryear.<\/p>\n
Before I get started, I want to give a personal anecdote about this movie.\u00a0 Back when I was ten years old, I was a big fan of horror and sci-fi movies that I watched mostly on the New York City local television station channels 5, 9 and 11.\u00a0 They each had some kind of weekly show like Creature Feature, Chiller Theater or Million Dollar Movie that often featured such classics as Attack of the Crab Monsters or Tarantula.\u00a0 Well at some point I saw \u201cThe Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake\u201d and became fascinated with the idea that there were such things as shrunken heads.\u00a0 Coincidentally a kid\u2019s toy came out called Witch Doctor Head Shrinkers Kit by a company called Pressman that had the cheesiest commercial demonstrating how you could make the aforementioned shrunken heads.\u00a0 Suffice it to say that from the time the commercial appeared until next Christmas I harangued my parents relentlessly to make this my one and only Christmas gift.\u00a0 Now money was short back then and this toy was on the pricey side but sure enough it was under the tree that morning at Christmas.\u00a0 I was ecstatic and wasted no time making my first shrunken head.\u00a0 I added the \u201cplastic\u201d powder and the warm water to the with doctor\u2019s cauldron and stirred it while reciting the mystic spell, yikes.\u00a0 Then I poured the goop into the mold and let it set.\u00a0 Anyway, the stuff was like a gelatinous plaster of Paris and after it set for a day, I guess it somewhat shrank but honestly it wasn\u2019t very much for all the hype associated and within a week or so it was in the garbage pail.\u00a0 A very important lesson for me in the difference between expectations and reality.\u00a0 And now seeing this movie for the first time in fifty some odd years it\u2019s a similar experience.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t worry about any actors\u2019 names.\u00a0 No one has ever heard of any of these people, either then or now.\u00a0 The plot is that the Drake family has a curse on them because 180 years previous their ancestor was a merchant down in the Amazon jungle and one of his men was kidnapped by a local tribe of headhunters.\u00a0 During a rescue mission it was discovered that the kidnapped man had been killed and his head cut off in preparation for it being shrunk.\u00a0 Ancestor Drake became so angry that he had the whole village slaughtered.\u00a0 The only one who escaped was the witchdoctor who took the head of the employee killed.\u00a0 After this a curse was placed on the Drakes by the witchdoctor.\u00a0 All the male heirs of Drake would have their heads cut off at about age sixty and shrunken down.\u00a0 The skulls were kindly returned to the family crypt but not the shrunken head.<\/p>\n
Skip ahead four generations and Jonathan and Kenneth Drake are the last male descendants of old Drake.\u00a0 Jonathan is concerned for his brother Kenneth because his sixtieth birthday is approaching.\u00a0 But before Jonathan can reach him an extremely tall Amazonian Indian stabs Kenneth with a curare envenomed blade.\u00a0 He\u2019s interrupted right after the lethal stab but later on he returns to the casket containing Kenneth\u2019s body and decapitates it and takes the head away in this nifty hat box shaped wicker basket.\u00a0 Then we meet Dr. Emil Zurich (from Switzerland!) who assists the tribesman in processing the head for shrinking.\u00a0 It\u2019s all very official.\u00a0 The head is boiled then the skull is very cleverly removed and the rest of the head is filled with ashes and hot stones that miraculously transforms it into the charming shrunken head that would look sporty hanging from a rear-view mirror or possibly on a keychain.<\/p>\n
Things get complicated with Jonathan\u2019s daughter Alison and an appreciative police detective Jeff Rowan and a medical doctor named Bradford and a police forensics guy whose name escapes everyone.\u00a0 Eventually we learn that Dr. Zurich and the really tall Indian are two hundred years old and have been doing the killing all along.\u00a0 Zurich is a zombie with the head of the original victim from Drake\u2019s Amazonian adventure sewn onto an Indian\u2019s body by the witchdoctor who is the really tall Indian.\u00a0 During the fun and games.\u00a0\u00a0 Jeff and Dr. Bradford save Jonathan from a curare attack by the Indian and in revenge Zurich has Bradford\u2019s head removed and stored in what looks like a food pantry.\u00a0 Finally, Jeff kills both the villains and the movie ends with Jonathan cutting Zurich\u2019s head off.\u00a0 This allows him to turn to dust and the movie mercifully expires too.<\/p>\n
This movie is nowhere near as entertaining or witty as I\u2019ve made it sound.\u00a0 It\u2019s awful.\u00a0 It takes a special individual to sit through this.\u00a0 Someone fearless and intrepid.\u00a0 War Pig, this one is all yours.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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