{"id":1293,"date":"2017-07-16T18:41:19","date_gmt":"2017-07-16T22:41:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=1293"},"modified":"2017-07-30T09:28:53","modified_gmt":"2017-07-30T13:28:53","slug":"trump-vs-the-time-hag-episode-3-trumpxander-the-great","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/07\/16\/trump-vs-the-time-hag-episode-3-trumpxander-the-great\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump vs The Time Hag \u2013 Episode 3 \u2013 Trumpxander the Great"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/07\/10\/the-funeral-oration-of-trumpicles\/\">Trump vs The Time Hag 2 &#8211; The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Scene 1 \u2013 Overlooking the smoking ruins of Thebes, 4<sup>th<\/sup> Century B.C. (Wednesday)<\/p>\n<p>Trumpxander the Great (TTG) \u2013 Aristotle, Ari, hey Ari!\u00a0 Where the Hades are you?<\/p>\n<p>Aristotle the Wise (ATW) \u2013 Right here your majesty.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Never mind that your majesty stuff.\u00a0 Remember I\u2019m the Son of Zeus-Ammon.<\/p>\n<p>ATW \u2013 Yes, Your Divinity.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 That\u2019s better.\u00a0 Look Ari, I\u2019m getting ready for the spring campaign against Darius and I need to give my troops a pep talk.\u00a0 What kind of speech can you lay on me that will impress these spear carriers?<\/p>\n<p>ATW \u2013 Well, Your Divinity, you can use either the dialectic logic or the rhetorical logic.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 I remember Vox saying I should stick with rhetoric since that\u2019s what\u2019s brought me to this rodeo.\u00a0 What have you got on that side?<\/p>\n<p>ATW \u2013 I remember Demosthenes had a nice little riff in his speech \u201cOn the Crown,\u201d that really caught my attention.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Demosthenes? \u00a0That guy was a total snooze.\u00a0 So low energy you couldn\u2019t tell the difference between before and after I had him put to death.<\/p>\n<p>ATW \u2013 Perhaps you can elaborate on what type of rhetorical effect you are interested in O Son of Zeus-Ammon.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Well I\u2019m gonna tell my army that we\u2019re gonna fight our way across Asia until we reach India and we\u2019re gonna be gone for years.\u00a0 I need something that will get these guys jacked.<\/p>\n<p>ATW \u2013 Perhaps an appeal to their Macedonian pride.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Ah forget it, I\u2019ll bribe \u2018em.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Scene 2 \u2013 At the harbor of Corinth.\u00a0 One month later (Thursday)<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Macedonians, brave soldiers, my people.\u00a0 I stand before you ready to lead you to the greatest victory of all time.\u00a0 We have conquered Thracians and Athenians, Spartans and Thebans, Corinthians and Euboans, Mytileneans and Egyptians, Libyans and Cyreneans, Armenians and Thessalians, Lydians and Cilicians, Cretans and Lesbians, Cyprians and Lycians, Rhodians and Phoenicians and blah, blah, blah.\u00a0 Oh Hades, we have basically kicked the whole world\u2019s butt.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been winning so much that just the other day my generals said, \u201cSon of Zeus-Ammon it\u2019s too much winning!\u201d\u00a0 I mean it, they really said it.\u00a0 And now we\u2019ll kick the Persians butts and be done with it.<\/p>\n<p>Some people will tell you (mostly the Persians) that the Persians are unbeatable, that the 10,000 Immortals are, well immortal.\u00a0 I\u2019m here to tell you that\u2019s b.s.\u00a0 Remember the Athenians beat them a hundred years ago and they\u2019ve been low energy ever since.<\/p>\n<p>And remember you have me Trumpxander the Son of Zeus-Ammon a demigod, the greatest general of all time, the greatest statesman of all time, the greatest man of all time and the founder of Trumpxandria the greatest city in the world with it\u2019s incredible library.\u00a0 This library is so great that you have to be approved by me to get a library card.\u00a0 You can borrow not only scrolls but also pop-up picture scrolls.\u00a0 You know the ones that kids really like.\u00a0 And we have the most of any library.\u00a0 Way more than Athens, way more than Pergamon and way more than Rome which isn\u2019t even a thing yet.<\/p>\n<p>And as if that isn\u2019t enough remember that I have promised that every man that who follows me to the Indus River is going to get his own autographed Trumpxander gold-plated loin cloth complete with laundering instructions.\u00a0 It\u2019s highest quality and looks like it was a genuine Athenian gold loin cloth, almost.\u00a0 Plus, if you want to I\u2019ll allow you to settle in Persia and marry a Persian wife like my wife Melania, uh I mean Roxanne, and believe me these Persian women are smoking hot like you wouldn\u2019t believe.\u00a0 Well, all except for that hideous old fat Clintoninus that Darius found in some house of ill repute in Persepolis.\u00a0 But the rest of them are fine.<\/p>\n<p>And finally, any man who distinguishes himself by bravery in battle will be given 500 gold darics and will become part of the Trumpxander body guard and hang out with me the demigod and ride around in my stretch chariot.<\/p>\n<p>MACEDONIAN ARMY \u2013 (chanting) Trumpxander\u2019s great, Darius sucks, Trumpxander\u2019s great, Darius Sucks!<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 You got that right.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Scene 3 \u2013 After the speech in Trumpxander\u2019s tent<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Now listen, Ptolemy, Seleucus and Antipater.\u00a0 Since you\u2019re my greatest generals, I\u2019ll give you the straight dope because I\u2019ll need you to swing this thing.\u00a0 We\u2019re gonna conquer the Persian Empire and spread Greek civilization and science to the four corners of the earth.\u00a0 Darius has taken on an extremely old, fat and ugly concubine called Clintoninus who has bewitched him with dreams of forming a global society based on the doctrines of Sappho of Lesbos which involve women dyeing their hair blue, refusing sex with men and raising cats.\u00a0 Once we kill Darius and Clintoninus I will apparently go insane, march our men to the ends of the earth and drink myself to death in Babylon.\u00a0 Afterwards you three will divide my empire in three and devote your descendants to battling each other into a gradually debilitating stalemate for three hundred years while the Romans and Parthians have a chance to catch up to you.\u00a0 Is that clear?<\/p>\n<p>Ptolemy the Great (PTG) \u2013 But Great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon, you cannot die.\u00a0 You are a god.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Yeah, well it sucks being me.\u00a0 But listen when I die you bring my body back to Alexandria, uhhhh I mean Trumpxandria, preserved in honey and put me in a crystal sarcophagus as a wonder of the world.\u00a0 But whatever you do make sure my hair is carefully arranged.\u00a0 It\u2019s my best feature you know.<\/p>\n<p>PTG \u2013 Yes Great Trumpxander, it will be as you command.<\/p>\n<p>(All three generals) \u2013 Yes great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon.<\/p>\n<p>TTG \u2013 Alright, now get out of here and let me rest for Zeus-Ammon\u2019s sake.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got a big day tomorrow.\u00a0 I\u2019m conquering the world.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2017\/07\/19\/trump-vs-the-time-hag-episode-4-augustus-trumpster\/\">Trump vs The Time Hag &#8211; Episode 4 &#8211; Augustus Trumpster<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Trump vs The Time Hag 2 &#8211; The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles &nbsp; Scene 1 \u2013 Overlooking the smoking ruins of Thebes, 4th Century B.C.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6,1],"tags":[168,151,16],"class_list":["post-1293","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","category-uncategorized","tag-humor","tag-parody","tag-trump"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Trump vs The Time Hag \u2013 Episode 3 \u2013 Trumpxander the Great - Orion&#039;s Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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