We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to present an address by the president.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood evening my fellow Americans.\u00a0 Sorry to wake you out of your reality tv stupor. But this will be short.\u00a0 So put down your bong and try to follow along. I’m speaking to you tonight because I’m making a change in your lives very soon and I didn’t want to surprise anyone.\u00a0 Starting next month I’m shutting down the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.\u00a0 That’s radio, tv and internet.\u00a0 The whole kit and kaboodle.\u00a0 I had the whole news staff in here at lunch and broke the news to them.\u00a0 They didn’t take it well.\u00a0 I told them they could maybe get some intern spots on the staff at MSNBC.\u00a0 Well anyway, it’s moving ahead.<\/p>\n
You may be asking why I’m doing this.\u00a0 Well, it’s like this. I have a grandchild now.\u00a0 And after catching a few minutes of Sesame Street and a few of the other kid shows I was worried that my grandchild might turn into a loser.\u00a0 I mean, it’s a bunch of old people hanging out in Greenwich Village with a bunch of puppets. How could that turn out well?\u00a0 And the Nova guys are always harping about the global warming and animal rights.\u00a0 Let’s face it.\u00a0 It’s propaganda.\u00a0 And that guy Ken Burns is so boring that even real baseball is less boring than his baseball.\u00a0 I mean what’s the big deal about Gettysburg?\u00a0 I’ve been there.\u00a0 A real snooze-fest.\u00a0 Not a single casino anywhere.<\/p>\n
Now maybe you might be thinking that it’s hypocritical for someone involved with the Apprentice to render judgement on educational tv.\u00a0 Maybe but think about it.\u00a0 Only the brain-dead watch reality tv.\u00a0 It’s already too late for them.\u00a0 I’m just harvesting their welfare residual value.\u00a0 But PBS targets children.\u00a0 Only the suicidal sacrifice their own children.\u00a0 I’m not that crazy.<\/p>\n
So anyway, I’m pulling the whole thing off the air.\u00a0 With any luck those PBS guys can get their own funding or possibly advertising revenue from the letters N and O and the numbers zero and zilch.\u00a0 Anyway I’m sure Comcast can carry them.\u00a0 They already funnel money to total losers like MSNBC.\u00a0 One more free-loader couldn’t make that big a difference.<\/p>\n
So the government is getting out of the tv business.\u00a0 But this is just the beginning.\u00a0 I’ll be following up with a review of our research funding and social agency support.\u00a0 I’m guessing that climate science is gonna have to change its name to climate science fiction and get its funding from the Syfy Channel because the government gravy-train has just been derailed.<\/p>\n
Alright, that’s all for now.\u00a0 You can get back to watching porn and smoking pot.\u00a0 Wow.\u201d<\/p>\n
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