I think it is a sign of the coming apocalypse that suburban residents think they need to have farm animals on their property.\u00a0 And women are entirely impractical about pets.<\/p>\n
Now, coming from an individual who in the past has kept four of the six giant snake species in a Brooklyn apartment this might sound slightly self-serving and hypocritical.\u00a0 In fact, it probably is.\u00a0 But everybody always says a boy needs his hobbies.\u00a0 No one ever says a girl needs her hobbies.\u00a0 QED.<\/p>\n
But I maintain that I am a reformed former animal horder.\u00a0 For this reason, I feel that I have the right to pronounce judgement against this misguided practice.<\/p>\n
Going through the various animal keeping proclivities of our marriage, it is obvious that eventually we would branch out from indoor menageries and end up in the barnyard.\u00a0 And after the fiasco of the Great Quail Fail of 2017 (as it came to be known) it was inevitable that Camera Girl would want revenge. \u00a0But my actual problem with the new animal introduction is practical.\u00a0 The winters in New England can be brutally cold and snow filled.\u00a0 It occurs to me that during some prodigious snow fall when the goat enclosure is engulfed by some absurd 50\u201d snow fall that I will be called upon at some god-awful hour to go out and clear a space for the goats to allow them to get at their food and water.\u00a0 And based on my memory of Lovecraft\u2019s description of Shub-Niggurath, (\u201cThe Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young\u201d), I believe there is a better than even chance that the critters will take advantage of my proximity and vulnerability to stage some kind of satanic attack upon my person.<\/p>\n
Alright, I don\u2019t really think it will be satanic.\u00a0 But goats are jerks and they will probably butt me with their stupid horns and that will probably really hurt.\u00a0 So, there\u2019s that.\u00a0 Plus, I\u2019ll have to clean out their pen because let\u2019s face it, men always get stuck with the crappy jobs.\u00a0 So that\u2019s why I hate the goats.\u00a0 But Camera Girl does feed me and stuff so I guess it\u2019s still a good deal.\u00a0 I guess.<\/p>\n
But have you ever looked at goats.\u00a0 They\u2019ve got those weird eyes that are really weird and maybe they are satanic.\u00a0 And they\u2019re gonna eat everything they can get their teeth into so they\u2019ll turn their pen into the Plain of Gorgorath where nothing can survive.\u00a0 Plus, I\u2019ll bet the pen will be under constant assault by the local coyote pack and they\u2019ll be howling every night and I\u2019ll probably have to defend the stupid goats as if I actually wanted them to survive.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be like that scene in Whisperer in the Darkness where the old guy is defending his compound from the giant fungus lobsters with his rifle and german shepherds.\u00a0 Except that german shepherds are actually useful and goats aren\u2019t.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t have a rifle.\u00a0 And coyotes aren\u2019t lobsters.\u00a0 But it was in New England.<\/p>\n
I feel that the only hope is if biological science makes rapid advances in genetic engineering.\u00a0 If genetically modified goats that only grow to the size of crickets could be commercially available then my problem would be solved.\u00a0 I could set up a pen for them in the kitchen junk drawer and they would be a very small problem to take care of.\u00a0 So that\u2019s what I\u2019m banking on at this point.\u00a0 The goats are supposed to arrive a week from Saturday so there\u2019s still time.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s a long shot but my luck\u2019s got to change some day.\u00a0 Maybe this will be it.\u00a0 So, come on you genetic researchers, stop being so selfish and put aside all this cancer jazz for a minute, and solve a really urgent need, the world\u2019s cricket-sized goat shortage.\u00a0 What color ribbon is still available for the cause?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think it is a sign of the coming apocalypse that suburban residents think they need to have farm animals on their property.\u00a0 And women<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[300,383,255,168,384,297,385,256],"class_list":["post-1497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","tag-camera-girl","tag-goats","tag-h-p-lovecraft","tag-humor","tag-pets","tag-quail","tag-shub-niggurath","tag-the-whisperer-in-the-darkness"],"yoast_head":"\n