Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m.<\/p>\n
President Trump (PT) \u2013 Schmoopy, I need your advice.<\/p>\n
Melania Trump (MT) \u2013 Of course Schmoopy.\u00a0 I am always here to advise and consent.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I think that\u2019s the Senate.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Well, with all the Weinstein stuff happening I think you should make sure you have consent.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Point taken.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to decide between different events for my White House Apprentice contest.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 That sounds easy.\u00a0 You already did the Apprentice many times.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yes, but this is for the Presidency.\u00a0 It\u2019s a much bigger deal and I have to make sure I eliminate the nuts.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want a maniac in charge of the nuclear football.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 This is the truth.\u00a0 I remember you got yelled at by the Secret Service guy when you left this football on the golf course that time.\u00a0 He seemed very upset.\u00a0 I think he cried a little.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Probably just sweat.\u00a0 He was sweating pretty bad that day running around the golf course looking for it.\u00a0 He had to pull his gun on that landscaper who was trying to open it with his Leatherman tool.\u00a0 Ahh, good times.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Well, Schmoopy, why don\u2019t you try getting the information from their wives.\u00a0 Wives always know if their husbands are crazy.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Is that true?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 (rolling her eyes, derisively) Oh, believe me it\u2019s true.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 But how can we get them to tell the truth about that?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 You should be asking who could stop them from telling the truth.\u00a0 Have you ever known a woman to keep a secret about her husband on TV?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I think you\u2019ve got something there.\u00a0 There used to be a show on TV in the Seventies called the Newlywed Game.\u00a0 The broads on that thing were always spilling the beans on their husbands.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Maybe you could use that Schmoopy.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Schmoopy, you\u2019re a genius.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Remember that when I hit fifty.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 You\u2019re not already?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 You will pay for that.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 2: White House Broadcast Studio, The set of the Newlywed Game has been recreated right down to the cheesy theme music and Don Pardo announcer voice.<\/p>\n
Announcer Don Pardo (ADP) \u2013 Welcome to the Newlywed Game and here\u2019s the host of the Newlywed Game, Donalllld Trump!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Thank you Don.\u00a0 And who are our contestants?<\/p>\n
ADP \u2013 All the way from Janesville Wisconsin, here\u2019s Paul and Janna Ryan.\u00a0 He loves supply side economics and sticking it to the Deplorables.\u00a0 She loves raising her kids and making a loving home for them.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Welcome Janna and whatsisname too. \u00a0And who else is here with us Don?<\/p>\n
ADP \u2013 Hailing from the Sunshine State of Florida are JEB! and Columba Bush.\u00a0 He likes backpacking and backpedaling on conservative positions and she loves spending time with her kids and grandkids.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Welcome Columba and JEB!, I\u2019m glad to see the Bozo makeup rash has stopped oozing, mostly.\u00a0 And Don who are our last couple?<\/p>\n
ADP \u2013 Hailing from the \u201cNatural State, these Arkansas natives, are staunch conservative republicans.\u00a0 Please welcome Phil and Mallory Clanton.\u00a0 He likes fighting to restore old-fashioned gender roles and respect for women in America and she is just an old-fashioned cookie baking grannie with no stuck up about her and great respect for the alt-right.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Oh for pity\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t there anything short of garlic and a wooden stake that can stop you two?<\/p>\n
Mallory Clanton (MC) \u2013 Ahh\u2019m nat tahred ate tall.\u00a0 We is just pour country folks is awwwl.\u00a0 We\u2019s is hair tuh halp \u2018Muhrca be\u2019s great agin.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Security, drag these two out and don\u2019t be too gentle with her but watch out, I think she\u2019s got a shiv.<\/p>\n
Phil Clanton (PC) \u2013 Hey, any chance I can pick up a few odds and ends I left in the Lincoln bedroom?\u00a0 I can get them myself if you loan me a claw hammer for the floorboards.\u00a0 They\u2019re kinda personal if you know what I\u2019m saying.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Security, definitely rough him up a bunch.\u00a0 Then pull up the floor in the Lincoln bedroom and fumigate.<\/p>\n
ADP \u2013 Well that\u2019s all the time we have.\u00a0 But we do have lovely consolation prizes for everyone (except the Clantons).\u00a0 Each couple will receive a home version of the Newlywed Game and a quart of good scotch to remember how you almost got to be President of the United States.\u00a0 Good night everybody.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m. President Trump (PT) \u2013 Schmoopy, I need your advice. Melania Trump (MT) \u2013 Of course Schmoopy.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[490,489,488,487,16,391,373],"class_list":["post-1703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-don-pardo","tag-newlywed-game","tag-phil-and-mallory-clanton","tag-the-white-house-apprentice","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor","tag-trump-vs"],"yoast_head":"\n