Scene 1: Announcer\u2019s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review.<\/p>\n
Rachel Maddow (RM) \u2013 Hello post-patriarchy America.\u00a0 I\u2019m here with Ellen to host the first rebranded Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards henceforth to be known as the Harvies.<\/p>\n
Ellen DeGeneres (ED) \u2013 That\u2019s right Rachel.\u00a0 It\u2019s been renamed the Harvey to commemorate the Harvey Weinstein catalyzed revolt of the womyn.\u00a0 Even the statuette has been re-engineered.\u00a0 It\u2019s still a nude figurine but in honor of its namesake it is a rather pear-shaped satyr with his castrated genitals on the base near his feet.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Amazing artwork, really.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yes, indeedy.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Ellen, let\u2019s reflect on the changes we saw earlier on the red carpet walkway.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yes, Rachel, let\u2019s.\u00a0 I thought it was very encouraging how all those strapless evening gowns and daring short skirts have disappeared from the runway to be replaced with sensible jumpsuits and snazzy tuxedettes.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes, a breath of fresh air and so much fairer to some of our more mature colleagues.\u00a0 And how about the hair styles?\u00a0 I thought it was about time for Hollywood to rediscover the buzz cut.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 You said it sister.\u00a0 Nothing like a number two buzz cut to get you out of the shower in less than five minutes.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 And the addition of the Burka Parade was both brave and empowering somehow.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yes, somehow.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes.\u00a0 Anyway, wasn\u2019t it great not having to feel like some kind of display being gawked at by lecherous, lecherous men?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Or lecherous, lecherous women!\u00a0 We are the equal of men in every way you know.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Exactly.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yes, exactly.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes.\u00a0 Now, where were we?\u00a0 Oh yes, breath of fresh air.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yes, fresh.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 So as an update to the audience, just today it was decided that Jimmy Kimmel having a beard and a wife was unsuitable for this first Harvies broadcast.\u00a0 So, in his place we\u2019ve got Amy Schumer.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Oh, that\u2019s great.\u00a0 She\u2019s really funny and she has those fat jokes that are very funny.\u00a0 But what about the swearing?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Let \u2018m fly!<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 On ABC?\u00a0 Disney?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Don\u2019t get wobbly now Ellen.\u00a0 I am Womyn hear me Roar!<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yeah, but I\u2019m on ABC.\u00a0 We can\u2019t afford to lose any more viewers.\u00a0 As it is I\u2019m being payed per diem.\u00a0 If I lose anymore base, I\u2019m gonna have to move over to one of the loser channels like MSNBC.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Hey!<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 I mean CNN.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Exactly.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Anyway, why don\u2019t we run down the list of Best Picture nominees.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes, let\u2019s.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Starting with the hands down favorite, Ghostbusters.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 What a hoot.\u00a0 It had everything, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.\u00a0 And all of them were womyn!<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 I think you\u2019re right there Rachel.\u00a0 I think they all were womyn.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that something?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes, indeedy.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Now you\u2019re using \u201cyes indeedy?\u201d<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 sure I always use it.\u00a0 I can be folksy.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Oh, fine.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Anyway, what about the other nominees?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Well, actually that\u2019s the only nominee that wasn\u2019t pulled from consideration for linkage to a director, producer or major star involved in a #metoo accusation.<\/p>\n
RM -But how can we have a competition if there is only one nominee?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 What\u2019s the problem?\u00a0 The rules say the nominee with the highest vote total wins.\u00a0 Where does it say you can\u2019t have just one nominee?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 But all the lead actors are womyn how will we select a Best Actor award?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Oh, they were all eliminated.\u00a0 We\u2019re just gonna run the \u201cWho Died This Year\u201d clip instead.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Hmmm.\u00a0 So Best Director, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Cinematography all go to Ghostbusters?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 It looks like a good bet.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, then even I think this seems kind of pointless.\u00a0 How will we fill four hours of air time if all the awards are pre-determined?<\/p>\n
ED –\u00a0 The acceptance speeches.\u00a0 Each winner will spend approximately twenty minutes ranting and foaming against the patriarchy and in particular, against the Men of Hollywood who have offended against us.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Oh yeah.\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 This is gonna be good.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Not to mention, at the three-hour mark there will be a forty five minute montage of all the #metoo victims and villains.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna be great.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 But won\u2019t that kind of alienate male viewers.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Actually we don\u2019t have any, except the gay guys of course.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Oh, of course.\u00a0 Plus, they can boo Kevin Spacey.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It\u2019s a win\/win.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, this actually is sounding pretty fabulous.\u00a0 Now that we\u2019ve conquered Hollywood and hold all the aces the future must look very bright.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Well, actually this is also the last Harvies.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Last? Why?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Well without the male stars, writers, directors and producers the studios realized that no one would want to see the movies made by women.\u00a0 So, they closed down the businesses and put their money into realistic sexbots.\u00a0 Apparently, they\u2019re where the smart money is going.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yeah, I guess we should\u2019ve seen that coming.<\/p>\n
ED – But what will all the actresses do?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Work?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 What if they can\u2019t?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well I hear the sexbot industry needs models to simulate sex to teach the sexbots.\u00a0 Could they do that?<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Yeah, in a funny way that\u2019s kind of what they\u2019re good at.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, Amy\u2019s taking the stage for her opening monologue.\u00a0 Good night PBS audience for this first and last Harvies Awards celebration.\u00a0 Good night everyone!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Scene 1: Announcer\u2019s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review. Rachel Maddow (RM) \u2013 Hello post-patriarchy America.\u00a0 I\u2019m<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288],"tags":[523,435,335,524,511,512],"class_list":["post-1734","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","tag-ellen-degeneres","tag-harvey-weinstein","tag-hollywood","tag-rachel-maddow","tag-the-harvies","tag-the-oscars"],"yoast_head":"\n