Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.<\/strong><\/p>\nEllen DeGeneres (ED) \u2013 Rachel I came as soon as I got your text.\u00a0 I cancelled an interview with President Obama.<\/p>\n
Rachel Maddow (RM) \u2013 Oh, you shouldn\u2019t have done that.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Nah, I was glad to skip it.\u00a0 I\u2019m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does.\u00a0 Even I know straight women don\u2019t find it sexy.\u00a0 Plus he\u2019s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I\u2019m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Breaking another barrier!<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Or several ribs.\u00a0 So, what\u2019s up?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, after last night\u2019s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong.\u00a0 I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn\u2019t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House.\u00a0 Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths.\u00a0 I mean, I don\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 You\u2019re right.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t make any sense.\u00a0 I\u2019m a pretty close friend of Harvey\u2019s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yeah, me neither.\u00a0 Something doesn\u2019t make sense.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Well, what do you think can be done?\u00a0 Maybe a march.\u00a0 Different hats?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 No.\u00a0 No more hats.\u00a0 My look is weird enough without hat hair.<\/p>\n
ED \u2013 Then what?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 I have an idea.\u00a0 It\u2019s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.<\/strong><\/p>\nMelania Trump (MT) \u2013 Schmoopy, guess who called for you.<\/p>\n
President Trump (PT) \u2013 Schmoopy, I\u2019m kinda busy right now for guessing games.\u00a0 That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I\u2019m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I\u2019m very sorry.\u00a0 That is something that should never happen to a woman.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have the satellites melt her down instead.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity.\u00a0 You must keep the dignity.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Fine.\u00a0 What did that loser want?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 She wants the interview.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Her, interview me?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 It must be a trick.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 No not the trick.\u00a0 She even cried a little.\u00a0 It was very sad.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Alright Schmoopy, I\u2019ll make some time for her this afternoon.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Exactly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 3: Afternoon the same day, Oval Office, President Trump at his desk, Rachel Maddow seated facing.<\/strong><\/p>\nRM \u2013 Thank you Mr. President, for your time.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Right.\u00a0 What do you want?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 As you know I am one of your harshest critics.\u00a0 I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place.\u00a0 I find everything about you reprehensible.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Check.\u00a0 What do you want?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 I want you to tell me how you do it.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Do what?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 You\u2019re confused.\u00a0 You\u2019re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Can you be more specific?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yes.\u00a0 You\u2019re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Can you do it without insulting me?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 It won\u2019t be as much fun, but I\u2019ll try.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Thanks.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I\u2019ll give you some examples of things that you\u2019re confusing together.\u00a0 If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let\u2019s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens?\u00a0 You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia.\u00a0 What is his crime?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Sexual harassment and misogyny.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Wrong on both.\u00a0 He has committed no crime.\u00a0 Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment.\u00a0 It\u2019s just being a man of his generation.\u00a0 And as for misogyny, that\u2019s not a crime.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement.\u00a0 And I\u2019m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 But what does this have to do with my question?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Keep listening toots and maybe you\u2019ll get it.\u00a0 Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they\u2019re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Proof of sexual assault.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Wrong again.\u00a0 Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime.\u00a0 If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 But what if she doesn\u2019t want to be mauled by you?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn\u2019t interested in that kind of behavior.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 How do we know you don\u2019t?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Because I\u2019m smart enough to know I don\u2019t have to and that it isn\u2019t a good way to stay rich.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been married three times.\u00a0 Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it\u2019s going to be very expensive.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, that\u2019s cold-blooded but probably accurate.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up.\u00a0 Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein.\u00a0 And speaking of whom, let\u2019s conclude the list of examples with him.\u00a0 And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Attempted rape.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Maybe.\u00a0 But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Well, we finally agree on something.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And that\u2019s the problem.\u00a0 We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment.\u00a0 You however think the other two examples are the same thing.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 But they are.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And that\u2019s why you can\u2019t figure out why I don\u2019t end up like the other two examples.\u00a0 In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you.\u00a0 They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat.\u00a0 In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment.\u00a0 In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you\u2019re rich.\u00a0 Now, granted, it\u2019s kind of boorish, but it\u2019s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop.\u00a0 In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages.\u00a0 Is this starting to sink in?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 There is some sense to it.\u00a0 But it is horribly unfair.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 You mean like life?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Yes.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Welcome to the human race, kid.\u00a0 It\u2019s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise.\u00a0 It\u2019s base case.\u00a0 So, now you see why you don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 You think if something\u2019s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it.\u00a0 You\u2019re blaming him for something that only God can fix.\u00a0 And since you don\u2019t believe in God you need someone else to blame.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Hmmm.\u00a0 You\u2019ve given me some things to think about.\u00a0 But one thing I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 What?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 How come you sound so normal and intelligent.\u00a0 You\u2019re very different in your public persona.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 We\u2019re not in public.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Oh.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Alright Maddow, are we done?<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 I guess so.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Then get out.\u00a0 I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words \u201chuge\u201d and \u201cgreatest\u201d into a discussion about orange juice production.\u00a0 Oh, and by the way, if you\u2019re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn\u2019t kill you to show a little cleavage.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Pig!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 That\u2019s the Maddow we love!\u00a0 Now get out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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