Election Day was my first day at my new gig as Dunwich Deputy Election Scourge.\u00a0 My job was to apply a gigavolt prod to the Great Old One voters to keep them moving in the chutes.\u00a0 To some people this might seem a little odd.\u00a0 Well, most towns don\u2019t have Great Old Ones (GOO) as a component of the voting population.\u00a0 These must be given their own separate line and voting booths and kept under tight control or they would escape the line and begin eating the humans.<\/p>\n
Things went very well all morning and at 4 pm I was starting to think we\u2019d get through the day without any trouble but at 4:20 pm we had our first incident.\u00a0 One of the high school ballot checkers foolishly leaned up against the steel sides of the chute while drinking a Diet Pepsi.\u00a0 A tentacle wrapped around her ankles and dragged most of her through the space between the steel guard rails.\u00a0 Four nearby scourges began firing on the GOO with their prods while the Chief Scourge shouted in an Australian accent, \u201cShoot her, shoot her.\u201d\u00a0 But it was all for naught.\u00a0 The ballot checker had long since disappeared into the florescent green maw of the GOO, never to be seen again.\u00a0 All that remained of her was a dismembered hand with shiny blue nail polish still holding a bottle of Diet Pepsi.\u00a0 The clean up crew kept carefully outside of the safety lines that surrounded the chute.\u00a0 Needless to say, morale amongst the election checkers plummeted.\u00a0 Buffy had been a popular member of the team and would be missed at the high school senior prom.<\/p>\n
But we redoubled our vigilance and kept a close watch on the younger volunteers to prevent another regrettable incident.\u00a0 When it was 7:50 I began to think we were out of the woods.\u00a0 But in the final minutes, disaster struck again.\u00a0 A final GOO entered the chute and headed for the checker area.\u00a0 When the Checker went through the list there was no record of Azathoth (sometimes referred to as the “Blind Idiot God”) ever having registered in Dunwich.\u00a0 This was not well received by that symbol of primordial chaos.\u00a0 But before the checker had a chance to state that same day registration was now a reality in Dunwich, the monstrous nuclear chaos from beyond angled space punched a ten-foot hole through the hardened titanium wall and flattened the unfortunate checker into the concrete floor with an invisible limb.\u00a0 It then began pulsing energy in all directions, preparatory to collapsing time-space and thereby forcing Earth through a singularity.<\/p>\n
Before we retreated out the rathole I punched the upload button to preserve the ballot data.\u00a0 Then I hit the timer for the tactical nuke and released the goat blood into the floor trough to distract the GOO and give us a chance to escape.\u00a0 One minute later the bunker we had entered was buffeted by the fifty-kiloton detonation.\u00a0 A few minutes later we exited by another tunnel that opened about five miles from ground zero and we proceeded above ground to election HQ to fill out the paperwork and tally the votes.<\/p>\n
An irate state election rep who had received a complaint from Cthulhu called to officially chastise the town for gross discrimination against a protected class (GOOs), levy a fine and strip us of our status as a sanctuary city.\u00a0 We absorbed this abuse, finished up the election tally, submitted it to the state and to the press, licked our wounds and headed home for a very late dinner.\u00a0 Well at least Azathoth didn\u2019t get to vote.\u00a0 That bugger is a well known progressive and it was already a pretty bad night for the Right so every little bit helps.\u00a0 Some of the Republican Town Committee tried to blame this on Trump.\u00a0 You can\u2019t please some people.<\/p>\n
Politics sucks.\u00a0 Next year I\u2019m hoping to get on the town road crew instead.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t pay as well but they don\u2019t have to wear radiation badges and necklaces of garlic and wolfsbane.\u00a0 So you have to take that into consideration.<\/p>\n
Progressives really are monsters when it comes right down to it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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