Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 1 \u2013 White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike.\u00a0 Mike!\u00a0 PENCE!!!!\u00a0 Where the hell are you Mike?<\/p>\n
(Mike Pence rushes through door.)<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Mr. President, for Pete\u2019s sake!\u00a0 I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.\u00a0 Alright, what can I do for you?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Hey, take it down a notch Mike.\u00a0 Remember you work for me.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.\u00a0 You can\u2019t fire me.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Hmmm, I\u2019ll look into that.\u00a0 Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Actually, it went very well.\u00a0 He hasn\u2019t got me on his list of interviewees.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Well, aren\u2019t you special Mike!\u00a0 But don\u2019t get any ideas about succession plans.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you\u2019ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Naturally Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 So what did he want?\u00a0 I mean beside buttering you up.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Good.\u00a0 I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well, Mr. President, it\u2019s not as easy as you make it sound.\u00a0 Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Oh wake up.\u00a0 All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.\u00a0 You know the one.\u00a0 The one with the old table and chairs.\u00a0 The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.\u00a0 I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.\u00a0 Boy, that guy knew his stuff.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Oh, for the love of Mike!\u00a0 Mr. President, that\u2019s a TV cop show.\u00a0 Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.\u00a0 And even if he did, it\u2019s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 You know Mike, you\u2019re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to want to win.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Mr. President, focus!\u00a0 We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.\u00a0 You can\u2019t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.\u00a0 We must be sober and above reproach.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Fine. Do it your way.\u00a0 But I\u2019m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.\u00a0 I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don\u2019t get to burn some witches?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 But, oh never mind. \u00a0Mr. President, I\u2019ve got to go.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Whatever.<\/p>\n
(Mike Pence leaves the scene.\u00a0 President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.\u00a0 Melania Trump enters the room.)<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.\u00a0 He is so sad.\u00a0 I thought he would have cried!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.\u00a0 I thought he was very happy.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 He must just be nervous or something.\u00a0 You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.\u00a0 That was very sad.\u00a0 And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.\u00a0 You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.\u00a0 It is too sad.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 But wait, no, that wasn\u2019t true.\u00a0 Lyin\u2019 Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin\u2019 Chuck was lying.\u00a0 Statues don\u2019t cry.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Yes, they do.\u00a0 In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yes, but that was a miracle.\u00a0 Cryin\u2019 Chuck isn\u2019t a saint.\u00a0 He\u2019s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.\u00a0 You shouldn\u2019t believe him.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.\u00a0 You must fix this right away.\u00a0 Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 But I don\u2019t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.\u00a0 Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.\u00a0 I am a very stable genius you know.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby\u2019s for some good roast beef.\u00a0 Please, please!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Maybe you\u2019re right Schmoopy, I\u2019ll talk to him.\u00a0 He is a good friend.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.\u00a0 Tuesday 8pm<\/p>\n
(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)<\/p>\n
KP \u2013 Here\u2019s your PBR dear.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Thanks hon.\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t believe what that maniac said today.<\/p>\n
KP \u2013 Oh Mike, let\u2019s not talk about work tonight.\u00a0 It\u2019ll only upset you.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.<\/p>\n
(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)<\/p>\n
TVAWSLDP \u2013 We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.\u00a0 Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.\u00a0 Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Oh great Scott.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.\u00a0 You know the ones I mean.\u00a0 And I wanted to Sipowicz him.\u00a0 That\u2019s modern cop-talk for slappin\u2019 him around.\u00a0 But that was wrong.\u00a0 Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn\u2019t have been fooled into confessing.\u00a0 Vice President Pence knew this and said so.\u00a0 But it ticked me off.\u00a0 And I said some not so nice things to him.\u00a0 The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.\u00a0 What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.\u00a0 Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.\u00a0 It was sort of an America\u2019s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.\u00a0 So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.\u00a0 Boy, it\u2019s great to be rich.<\/p>\n
But all that is beside the point.\u00a0 The main thing is I was mean to a friend.\u00a0 Mike Pence is a good guy.\u00a0 He isn\u2019t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.\u00a0 He\u2019s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it\u2019s definitely neat.\u00a0 He\u2019s always polite to people and he doesn\u2019t try to stab you in the back.\u00a0 He\u2019s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that\u2019s why I have Mad Dog.\u00a0 So Mike I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.\u00a0 We can even go to Arby\u2019s tomorrow, my treat.\u00a0 Trump out.<\/p>\n
KP \u2013 Oh, wasn\u2019t that nice.\u00a0 He said he was sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.<\/p>\n
KP \u2013 Yes dear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[667,184,490,117,652,372,247,668,16,391],"class_list":["post-2141","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-andy-sipowicz","tag-comey","tag-don-pardo","tag-melania","tag-melania-trump","tag-mike-pence","tag-mueller","tag-nypd-blue","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor"],"yoast_head":"\n