{"id":22082,"date":"2023-02-01T14:47:43","date_gmt":"2023-02-01T19:47:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=22082"},"modified":"2023-02-01T16:23:50","modified_gmt":"2023-02-01T21:23:50","slug":"renewable-energy-comes-to-dunwich","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/02\/01\/renewable-energy-comes-to-dunwich\/","title":{"rendered":"Renewable Energy Comes to Dunwich"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-22088\" src=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"264\" height=\"324\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg 264w, https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain-244x300.jpg 244w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 264px) 100vw, 264px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>The Town of Dunwich was recently ordered by the Colony of Massachusetts Bay to show progress in eliminating the production of greenhouse gases by switching over to renewable energy sources.\u00a0 As the only engineer in town, or for that matter, the only person familiar with the decimal point among the denizens of this benighted hellhole I was ordered by First Selectman Cthulhu to, \u201cmake that happen.\u201d\u00a0 And since, as in all things ordered by Cthulhu, the penalty for failure is being eaten alive by a 100-foot-high squid-headed flying dragon, I got to work right smartly.<\/p>\n<p>What I discovered was that currently 100% of our electrical energy supply is generated by burning sperm whale oil.\u00a0 It\u2019s a little known fact that Dunwich, along with certain Inuit tribes is \u00a0allowed under treaty to hunt sperm whales and since the market for whale products long ago dried up we utilized the carcasses as a source of fuel.\u00a0 The carcasses are hauled up on the shore and trucked to the power plant where the oil is drained off.\u00a0 Then the meat is turned into Dunwich\u2019s world-famous blubber chowder.\u00a0 And the bones are packaged for resale to Dunwich\u2019s werewolf (or for the politically correct term, lycanthrope) population.<\/p>\n<p>I contacted the DEP to see if this treaty allowed for our whale oil to be grandfathered in as a green energy equivalent but, alas, there was a whale-lover on the staff there so, no soap.\u00a0 I began to get panicky so I called in a consultant to see what other towns were doing.\u00a0 The consultant described the latest scams that currently passed for \u201cgreen\u201d energy.\u00a0 The favorite was \u201cconverting\u201d natural gas to hydrogen to use in a fuel cell.\u00a0 After looking at the material balance I could see that this process produces almost the same amount of carbon dioxide as combustion does.\u00a0 When I questioned him about this inconsistency, he waved his hands around for a few minutes while claiming that the science was settled.\u00a0 Anyway, the price tag for the installation was so high I realized there was no way we could switch over to this particular scam.<\/p>\n<p>I asked him if he had a cheaper scam that we could invest in.\u00a0 He looked disappointed.\u00a0 I guess most of his clients aren\u2019t as primitive and poor as Dunwich.\u00a0 Finally after dejectedly checking through his inventory he noted that he had several generators that were reclaimed from some wind turbines that had fallen down and been carted away as scrap.\u00a0 He could let us have those for a pittance.\u00a0 Out of desperation and to buy time I ordered the parts and sent him on his way.<\/p>\n<p>Then I had an inspiration.\u00a0 We had some old caterpillar treads left over from some heavy machinery that had broken down and some other odds and ends.\u00a0 I had the maintenance crew rig these up into a gigantic treadmill and hook it up to the generators.\u00a0 I had the highway crew dig a pit out near the bicycle path that runs through the scenic area of the ghoul haunted forest.\u00a0 And I had them catch and imprison the biggest shoggoth they could find in town.\u00a0 It was a big, ugly, smelly, hungry one.\u00a0 I think we might have lost a couple of the crew that caught it.\u00a0 Oh well.<\/p>\n<p>The next part of the plan was the good part.\u00a0 Along the side of the bicycle path, I put a sign leading over to the pit that said \u201cContribute to Green Energy.\u201d\u00a0 Over the pit I had built a sound-proofed shed with a revolving door that led into a dark room with a pit trap.\u00a0 When someone falls into the pit it raises a panel that separated the shoggoth from its dinner.\u00a0 Once the shoggoth starts moving toward the victim it turns the caterpillar track and begins powering the generator.\u00a0 As long as the green power enthusiast is able to run on this treadmill and stay ahead, the shoggoth continues to pursue.\u00a0 But when the friend of Gaia tires, the shoggoth will get its lunch and the treadmill will stop and the power will go out in town.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, this is a problem.\u00a0 I\u2019ve come up with some improvements.\u00a0 To improve the reliability, we now run a bicycle race daily in town.\u00a0 And I\u2019ve hooked up a battery system as a form of uninterruptible power supply (UPS) for the town between shoggoth meals.\u00a0 But uninterruptible is probably an overenthusiastic claim.<\/p>\n<p>But the important thing is the First Selectman is pleased.\u00a0 He\u2019s grown fond of the project and has named the shoggoth Tesla.\u00a0 He\u2019s tasked me with setting up a similar treadmill for his personal use.\u00a0 He says he needs the exercise and donating some energy to the town is patriotic.\u00a0 Also, the town is making a nice profit reselling abandoned bicycles found along the road.<\/p>\n<p>Who knew going green would be this much fun.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The Town of Dunwich was recently ordered by the Colony of Massachusetts Bay to show progress in eliminating the production of greenhouse gases by switching<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,3366,1289,818,1263,4],"tags":[362,3341,3367,2108,70,3858],"class_list":["post-22082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-life-in-dunwich","category-fiction-by-me","category-ocf","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","category-sff","tag-cthulhu","tag-dunwich","tag-dunwich-complainer","tag-green-new-deal","tag-lovecraft","tag-shoggoth"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Renewable Energy Comes to Dunwich - Orion&#039;s Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta 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