Announcer (sounding surprisingly like Don Pardo):\u00a0 Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you other less easily addressed members of the television audience, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.
\nPresident Trump (PT):\u00a0 Hello everyone, sorry to break into your brain dead stupor again but if the safety of the nation is of any importance to you, drop the bong and try to concentrate.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got some very disturbing news.
\nAs you know, we\u2019ve begun our first round of deportations.\u00a0 One of the steps required is identifying the country of origin for the millions of illegals living here.\u00a0 Now this is a tricky business and very careful work is needed to prove where these people come from, especially since they\u2019re not very cooperative.\u00a0 Anyway, after careful investigation it has been determined that about 11 percent of the rounded up aliens turn out to be actual aliens!\u00a0 By that I mean outer space guys, you know like E.T. only smellier.\u00a0 As you can imagine, this will make repatriation more difficult.\u00a0 But fear not, I\u2019ve already begun the process of contacting the home planets of these deadbeats and getting them to ferry these bums back home.\u00a0 In fact I\u2019ll have to admit that several of these governments have been more cooperative than our neighbors to the south.\u00a0 The Kanamit, for instance, went so far as to offer to accept as many illegal human aliens as we could send and at no cost to us.\u00a0 Their only request was that we put them on a two week bacon diet before we send them.\u00a0 Huh, go figure.
\nSo this development gave me an idea.\u00a0 I have enacted an executive order which will allow any American citizen who no longer wants to live here to obtain asylum with the Kanamit.\u00a0 They have described their world as a socialist paradise without war or hunger, where no one works, food is free and plentiful and people aren\u2019t discriminated against for putting on a little extra weight.\u00a0 After hearing the Kanamit offer during congressional hearings Senator Sanders, Congresswoman Pelosi and former Secretary Clinton have decided to lead a large scale emigration of democrats, federal workers and university employees to the Kanamit home planet.\u00a0 Secretary Cinton\u2019s exact words were \u201cSo long to Trump and his capitalistic bullshit.\u00a0 From now on it\u2019s gonna be mashed potatoes and gravy.\u00a0 I\u2019m throwing away this stupid pants suit and getting a moo-moo.\u201d The Kanamit ambassador thanked me profusely and asked if I was interested in joining the group. I told him I was too busy, at which point he gave me an autographed copy of his new book, \u201cTo Serve Man\u201d which he told me was sort of like \u201cThe Art of the Deal\u201d on his planet. Well he was a really strange sort of a guy, reminded me of Kasich, only like 4 feet taller and with sharper teeth. Anyway they left this morning and Washington is much quieter now.
\nWell, they\u2019ll be missed but we\u2019ll have to try and soldier on.\u00a0 In related news, I\u2019ve officially opened up relations with the Lensman dimension.\u00a0 They\u2019ve agreed to take over drug interdiction on the Mexican border. I had to agree that they would be allowed to summarily execute any zwilniks they caught, whatever the hell those are. I said yeah sure.
\nAnd finally, at the request of the Predator home world I’m allowing Governor Jerry Brown to be extradited to stand trial for murder. He says it’s a mix-up involving his predecessor but I’ll let them sort it out without me.
\nOkay folks, you can get back to your twinkies and doritos you losers. Trump out.<\/p>\n
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Announcer (sounding surprisingly like Don Pardo):\u00a0 Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you other less easily addressed members of the television audience, we interrupt this broadcast<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,4,6],"tags":[168,15,17,16],"class_list":["post-221","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-sff","category-trump","tag-humor","tag-kanamit","tag-to-serve-man","tag-trump"],"yoast_head":"\n