{"id":22630,"date":"2023-03-08T01:00:04","date_gmt":"2023-03-08T06:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=22630"},"modified":"2023-03-07T23:10:16","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T04:10:16","slug":"08mar2023-dunwich-complainer-retail-democracy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/08\/08mar2023-dunwich-complainer-retail-democracy\/","title":{"rendered":"08MAR2023 \u2013 Dunwich Complainer \u2013 Retail Democracy"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure id=\"attachment_22088\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-22088\" style=\"width: 264px\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\"><a href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-22088\" src=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"264\" height=\"324\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain.jpg 264w, https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/Cthulhu-Image-public-Domain-244x300.jpg 244w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 264px) 100vw, 264px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-22088\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Cthulhu<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>This week Dunwich will celebrate old style New England democracy at its most authentic.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have a referendum.\u00a0 Back in 1653 the Town Elders codified a law that banned witch burning on every day but Monday.\u00a0 The intent was that this would provide the maximum time before Sunday for the smell to dissipate.\u00a0 The puritans were deeply religious folk and they feared to offend the Lord by allowing burnt witch funk to permeate their worship.<\/p>\n<p>Fast forward three hundred some odd years later and Dunwich is a much less pious place.\u00a0 And witch burning is big business.\u00a0 Having an inhabitant declared a witch and burned at the stake is the town\u2019s most lucrative revenue stream.\u00a0 You see, the statute declares that the possessions, real and personal, of the convicted witch are forfeited to the town and can then be sold at auction.\u00a0 Of course, the successful accuser of the witch stands to gain a 10% commission from the proceeds of the sale, tax free.\u00a0 So, the trials are stacked up like planes circling Arkham airport.<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s the problem.\u00a0 Whereas the trials are getting banged out day in and day out, the burnings are way, way behind.\u00a0 The municipal witch pit can only accommodate fifteen burnings a week.\u00a0 So, there are currently twelve hundred witches cooling their heels waiting for stake time.\u00a0 Now the witches aren\u2019t complaining.\u00a0 They\u2019re willing to wait forever to be honest.\u00a0 But the town budget is a mess.\u00a0 First Selectman Cthulhu has already spent all the money that the backlog represents on aromatic bath salts.\u00a0 He\u2019s a big proponent of the long languid soak in a tub.\u00a0 Although in his case the tub is reworked municipal reservoir.\u00a0 But suffice it to say that requires an awful lot of bath salts.\u00a0 And now the bath salt merchandisers refuse to float him any more credit until he squares his accounts.<\/p>\n<p>Well, he\u2019s finally lost his patience and has threatened to eat everyone in town alphabetically unless a referendum repeals the \u201cMonday only\u201d part of the witch burning law right away.\u00a0 And so, we\u2019re set to vote this week.\u00a0 We\u2019ve set up the \u201cno electioneering\u201d line 75 feet from the polling area as state law requires but being hundreds of feet tall Cthulhu has threatened to toe the line but lean his head through the gymnasium skylight to watch over the voting and eat anyone who votes no on the petition.\u00a0 Last we heard; the poll workers say there\u2019s nothing in the handbook to forbid this activity.\u00a0 This seems a little suspect to me but I know the First Selectman is a fairly persuasive character when up close and personal.<\/p>\n<p>The Dunwich electorate is a feisty group.\u00a0 Several of our oldest and most religious citizens have openly declared that they will vote no.\u00a0 To ensure that nothing tragic befalls us the Town Clerk has decided to call in Dominion to provide the ballot reading machines, and in that way, fortify democracy or at least prevent us all from being eaten alphabetically.<\/p>\n<p>Well, I\u2019m a little sad to see the old ways discarded one by one.\u00a0 It will certainly change the character of the town to have acrid black witch smoke wafting around town twenty-four seven.\u00a0 It\u2019s been proposed to replace the witch burning pit with a modern natural gas fired witch kiln with a two-hundred-and-fifty-foot stack to send the smoke down wind to Arkham.\u00a0 With that kind of automation, the danger will be that we may completely depopulate the town in a couple of months.<\/p>\n<p>And I guess that\u2019s the way of progress.\u00a0 But I\u2019ll miss the days when a man could bring his family to the witch burning pit and get good seats from which to hiss at the old crones and maybe even chuck a rock or two at them.<\/p>\n<p>Well, we have to be realistic and live in the present.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This week Dunwich will celebrate old style New England democracy at its most authentic.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have a referendum.\u00a0 Back in 1653 the Town<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[288,3366,1289,1263],"tags":[362,3341,3367],"class_list":["post-22630","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-life-in-dunwich","category-fiction-by-me","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","tag-cthulhu","tag-dunwich","tag-dunwich-complainer"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>08MAR2023 \u2013 Dunwich Complainer \u2013 Retail Democracy - Orion&#039;s Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link 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