{"id":22634,"date":"2023-03-09T01:00:55","date_gmt":"2023-03-09T06:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=22634"},"modified":"2023-03-08T21:05:43","modified_gmt":"2023-03-09T02:05:43","slug":"dunwich-in-crisis-or-at-a-crossroads-or-something-or-other-that-starts-with-a-c","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/09\/dunwich-in-crisis-or-at-a-crossroads-or-something-or-other-that-starts-with-a-c\/","title":{"rendered":"Dunwich in Crisis or at a Crossroads or Something or Other that Starts With a C"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Cthulhu<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The partisan divide that has attended the upcoming Witch Burning Referendum has ripped away the illusion of civility and civic spirit here in Dunwich.\u00a0 The latest flashpoint has been a state commission\u2019s report that witch burning as currently practiced, falls afoul of Arkham\u2019s stringent state greenhouse gas emissions standards.\u00a0 The review has declared that from now on witches will have to be burned using solar power.<\/p>\n

An opinion solicited by the First Selectman from the leading solar energy researcher at Miskatonic University, Professor Nehemiah Scrimshaw was obtained by this newspaper and a few of his conclusions were:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • There are only 0.00035 seconds of usable sunlight in Dunwich per month.<\/li>\n
  • In order to fully oxidize an average sized witch in that window of time, a magnifying glass with a diameter of 10,000 miles would be needed and this device would weigh in at 6.9 X 1023<\/sup> tons and would require an enormous nuclear power plant to power the servo motors to maintain the focusing function correctly.<\/li>\n
  • The professor also estimated that it would require forty or fifty years to obtain the needed licenses from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and until the licensing was in effect no witch burnings would be permitted at all.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Parenthetically, the professor remarked that since the mass of the magnifying device would be approximately a hundred times the mass of the Earth the actual means by which the device would be manufactured and tethered to Dunwich was unachievable using current human science and engineering.\u00a0 But he did say it posed an interesting thought experiment for his current graduate students.<\/p>\n

    We tried to reach First Selectman Cthulhu for comment but the reporter we sent has gone missing.\u00a0 Our eye in the sky OCF traffic copter was able to spot the First Selectman as he bee-lined for the state capital in Arkham.\u00a0 Based on the debris field in his wake it is estimated that not much will remain of the state house or most of the downtown area of Arkham.\u00a0 But it seems this will put to rest the question of state environmental permitting and also state government in general for that matter.<\/p>\n

    It is worth noting that the anti-witch burning party has within the hour disbanded its headquarters, erased its Facebook and Twitter pages and from what we can tell left town heading south at a good clip.\u00a0 And in fact, there was a goodly caravan of pro-witch citizens joining them.\u00a0 The Town Clerk\u2019s office has described the results of the referendum (which was supposed to occur tomorrow) as completed, audited and certified to have been unanimous to extend witch burning to 24\/7\/365.\u00a0 And the other selectmen have hurriedly and unanimously passed an appropriation for fifty tons of the first Selectman\u2019s favorite bath salts.<\/p>\n

    At press time it was noted that on his return from the state capital the First Selectman detoured to pass through the campus of Miskatonic University and it is now believed that Professor Scrimshaw has retired from active teaching and also, sadly, from breathing.\u00a0 But he\u2019ll always be remembered for his remarkable lack of a sense of self preservation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The partisan divide that has attended the upcoming Witch Burning Referendum has ripped away the illusion of civility and civic spirit here in Dunwich.\u00a0 The<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,3366,818,1263],"tags":[362,3341,3367],"class_list":["post-22634","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-life-in-dunwich","category-ocf","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","tag-cthulhu","tag-dunwich","tag-dunwich-complainer"],"yoast_head":"\nDunwich in Crisis or at a Crossroads or Something or Other that Starts With a C - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/09\/dunwich-in-crisis-or-at-a-crossroads-or-something-or-other-that-starts-with-a-c\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dunwich in Crisis or at a Crossroads or Something or Other that Starts With a C - 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