{"id":2338,"date":"2018-09-26T20:42:09","date_gmt":"2018-09-27T00:42:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=2338"},"modified":"2018-09-26T20:42:16","modified_gmt":"2018-09-27T00:42:16","slug":"trump-vs-kim-jong-un-and-the-shanghai-noon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/26\/trump-vs-kim-jong-un-and-the-shanghai-noon\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.\u00a0 I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead I have the link at the bottom of each post to the next installment.\u00a0 This one began back in March 2018.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Melania Trump (MT), Secretary Mattis (SM)<\/p>\n

Scene 1 (White House West Wing, Presidential Living Quarters, 1:30 am Friday 9MAR2018<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Schmoopy, Schmoopy.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 What do you need Schmoopy?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Where did you put my Deadpool costume?\u00a0 I\u2019m meeting with that tiny maniac from North Korea and I\u2019ll need every advantage I can get to avoid being assassinated and to get the best deal.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 I promised Mike Pence I would hide it from you until February 2021.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 That Pence is so short-sighted.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t see the big picture.\u00a0 When you go up against a maniacal narcissist you need to scare him and throw him off balance.\u00a0 Seeing me in my Deadpool costume will make him think I may have super powers and also be unkillable.\u00a0 That means he\u2019s much less likely to try and kill me.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Schmoopy, I am not sure that costume will fit you well.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Did you shrink it washing it?<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 I think maybe you did some unshrinking of your own.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Well, it\u2019s lycra spandex.\u00a0 It should just stretch.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 There are the limits for even the miracle fabrics we love so much.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Well, please find it for me anyway.\u00a0 I\u2019ve booked a meeting with Mad Dog at 6 am and I need it to give me the mobility for the martial arts moves I\u2019ll need to make.\u00a0 I could get a Black Panther suit but then there\u2019s that whole racist thing.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Oh, Bog nam pomagaj!\u00a0 Okay, okay Schmoopy I will find the Deadpool suit.\u00a0 But please listen to your wise men.\u00a0 This idea may still have the rough edges.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Don\u2019t worry Schmoopy, I\u2019ve got it covered.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Yes but will it stay covered?\u00a0 Okay, okay, I will go now and get the suit.\u00a0 (exits the room).<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 (yelling after her) And Schmoopy, can you get me a Double Reuben for lunch, thanks.<\/p>\n

Scene 2 \u2013 White House, Oval Office, Secretary Mattis entering door with President Trump in his extremely form fitting Deadpool costume balanced in a martial arts stance.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Great Detonating Balls of Trinitrotoluene!\u00a0 Mr. President for mercy\u2019s sake put on a bathrobe or something.\u00a0 What if a CNN drone gets a picture of this?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Relax Mad Dog.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got the whole White House on lock down.\u00a0 Even that snoop Mueller couldn\u2019t get a camera in here if he tried.\u00a0 So, what do you think of my suit?<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 No offense Mr. President, but your Deadpool suit wearing days are now officially behind you.\u00a0 And if you want to know why look behind you.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 (looking behind himself) I guess I see your point.\u00a0 But in that case, I\u2019m going to need martial arts ninja stuff more than ever.\u00a0 I called that little maniac short and he\u2019ll do anything he can to get me for that.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Then why are you meeting with him?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Because I can\u2019t back down now.\u00a0 The wily oriental mind has no respect for cowards.\u00a0 If I show fear he will attack relentlessly like a shark that smells blood.\u00a0 He will flood our country with stunted, malnourished assassins who will surround the White house five hundred deep like some kind of zombie mob endlessly testing the perimeter fence for a weak spot just waiting for me to emerge.\u00a0 Marine One will have to be equipped with belly armor to survive missile attacks and will have to have those cool buzz-saw attachments to repel the ninjas that get launched at it by their insane comrades.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Oh good grief.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Exactly.\u00a0 The only way to prevent that scenario is to meet Kim Jong Un face-to-wily-face and stare him and his assassins down.\u00a0 I need all of our top ninjas in here to train me.\u00a0 Get me Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jackie Chan.\u00a0 On second thought forget Jackie.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a racist thing but you can never be too careful.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Mr. President, I don\u2019t think there\u2019s time for you to become a martial arts expert.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 I\u2019m a really quick learner.\u00a0 You saw what I did with the tax bill.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Nevertheless.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Then what do we do?\u00a0 You can\u2019t let me be killed.\u00a0 Pence will probably replace you with a chaplain.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Mr. President, we will have a special forces team covering every contingency of this assignment.\u00a0 SEAL Team 6 will be in charge of refreshments and lavatory security, Delta Force is in charge of the podium, microphones and all other electronics including your tweeting and 24th<\/sup> Special Tactics Squadron will provide applause and laugh track whenever you make a very funny joke.<\/p>\n

PT – \u00a0That\u2019s all very good but what about the Mission Impossible stuff?\u00a0 Who\u2019s gonna be suspended overhead on that cable like Tom Cruise and hover over Kim Jong Un, ready to pounce on him if he tenses his cat like body ready to leap on me across the dais.\u00a0 Who will be that man?\u00a0 Should we get Cruise?\u00a0 Is he available?\u00a0 Has he gotten too old?\u00a0 Does he have a successor?\u00a0 Maybe Jason Statham?<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Mr. President, Jason Statham is fifty years old!\u00a0 (under his breath, \u201cOh what\u2019s the use!\u201d) Yes, Mr. President, Jason Statham will be suspended above Kim Jong Un\u2019s head on a piece of steel cable but to avoid detection he will be cloaked using the stealth technology we learned from the Predator species that your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger faced back in the 1980s.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Good, now you\u2019re talking sense.\u00a0 You can\u2019t be too careful you know.\u00a0 Okay, so that covers the defensive stuff but I think I should have some offensive weapons in case he gets off a zinger that makes me look bad.\u00a0 How about a laser hidden in my ball point pen?\u00a0 And can we put some itching powder on his podium?\u00a0 That will definitely make him look bad if keeps scratching all over the place.<\/p>\n

SM \u2013 Yes, laser pen, itching powder, check and check.\u00a0 Would you like us to put some ex-lax in his breakfast snack?<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Please Matthis, let\u2019s not be ridiculous.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.\u00a0 I’ll post one section a day but if you want<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[823,128,824,821,820,822,16,391],"class_list":["post-2338","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-chuck-norris","tag-deadpool","tag-jackie-chan","tag-jason-statham","tag-kim-jong-un","tag-steven-seagal","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor"],"yoast_head":"\nTrump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/26\/trump-vs-kim-jong-un-and-the-shanghai-noon\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon - 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