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<\/p>\nHere in Dunwich, there are only two seasons; Winter and July.\u00a0 So now in the first few days of winter there is a nostalgic feeling for the summer that was.\u00a0 And we exchange stories about how one day it stopped raining for several hours and light appeared in the sky.\u00a0 And we named that light, \u201cthe sun\u201d and we danced around pointing at it and declaring it a miracle.\u00a0 It\u2019s good to celebrate the good times in our lives.<\/p>\n
Today Camera Girl was purging the kitchen cabinets of old food stuffs.\u00a0 And it made me sad.\u00a0 There was a whole package of mounds bars that I really like but I forgot to eat any of them because I was on a diet.\u00a0 And now just because of some fake expiration date she\u2019s gonna chuck them.\u00a0 Most unfair.<\/p>\n
Back last year before Christmas I told her I wanted some traditional holiday treats that I remembered from my childhood.\u00a0 I said I wanted chestnuts roasted on an open fire (or in the oven).\u00a0 And dried figs.\u00a0 This really annoyed her because she said this was \u201ca stupid idea.\u201d\u00a0 Now she says that a lot about my ideas so I don\u2019t pay attention when she says it.\u00a0 After I whined on about having these things for a while, she rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders and added them to her Christmas food list.<\/p>\n
On Christmas Eve she handed me a pan of chestnuts and told me to cut Xs in them with a very sharp but poorly designed knife she kept for just such an occasion.\u00a0 And after cutting my thumb several times and her preparing and cooking these delicacies, every last one of them turned out to be rotten.\u00a0 And when I tried one of the figs, I suddenly remembered why they were always left over after Christmas.\u00a0 It\u2019s literally like chewing on vulcanized rubber.<\/p>\n
So, today, seven months later these same figs are going to be donated to the flock of turkeys and the murder of crows that Camera Girl attracts to her bird feeding area.\u00a0 Now, I\u2019m no fan of these avian moochers that live off of my hard-earned dollars but even I feel pangs of guilt about what might happen if one of these neo-dinosaurs manages to swallow any of these figs.\u00a0 Besides the obvious risk of bowel obstruction and subsequent agonizing death, there is the very real risk of radical mutation.<\/p>\n
Anyone who has watched as many radioactive mutation movies as I have knows what happens when you combine backyard wildlife with atomic energy.\u00a0 And nobody is going to tell me that those figs aren\u2019t some kind of atomic mutation gone terribly wrong.\u00a0 They\u2019re probably a product of Kazakhstan and were the result of fallout being used as insecticide.<\/p>\n
Well anyway, I tried to warn her.\u00a0 And when she ignored me, I went outside and spoke directly to the crows.\u00a0 I warned them.\u00a0 More than once.\u00a0 Of course, I didn\u2019t bother with the turkeys.\u00a0 They\u2019re idiots.\u00a0 But the crows are intelligent.\u00a0 I only hope they believed me.\u00a0 Otherwise within a week; or at most two, there will be sixty-foot-tall crows lurching around those bird feeders.\u00a0 And two-hundred-foot-tall turkeys too.\u00a0 And let\u2019s be honest.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always been a little unfriendly toward these flying rats.\u00a0 With the odd pebble chucked now and then and the unkind epithet thrown from time to time I\u2019m not exactly on their nice list if you catch my drift.<\/p>\n
Now Camera Girl has nothing to fear.\u00a0 She\u2019s a regular St. Francis of Assisi to the local wildlife and they practically work for her.\u00a0 But me, not so much.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been considering my options.\u00a0 I think my best bet is to make some kind of crow suit.\u00a0 Since they\u2019ll be so big, I can hope that maybe they won\u2019t be able to tell that it\u2019s fake.\u00a0 I think I can imitate the caws and squawks that they make.\u00a0 The only thing is they might not believe that a crow can drive a car.\u00a0 Or cut the lawn.\u00a0 And they may think it\u2019s suspicious that I never fly.\u00a0 But maybe if I make believe that one of my \u201cwings\u201d is broken maybe that will work.\u00a0 The other problem is they may think I\u2019m a hatchling and carry me back to their gigantic nest.\u00a0 Would I be forced to subsist on road kill that they provide me?<\/p>\n
So, you can see I live in fear.\u00a0 My only other option is to go out to the bird feeder and eat one of the figs myself and become the Amazing Colossal photographer.\u00a0 It would be a horrible existence.\u00a0 I\u2019d have to turn an old circus tent into a loin cloth and it\u2019s a cinch I\u2019d always be banging my head on bridge overpasses.\u00a0 But I guess it\u2019d be better than to end up eaten by a giant turkey.\u00a0 So that\u2019s my plan.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Of course, I could just do nothing and hope that none of that stuff will happen.<\/p>\n
Hmmm.<\/p>\n
You know what, never mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Here in Dunwich, there are only two seasons; Winter and July.\u00a0 So now in the first few days of winter there is a nostalgic feeling<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3366,1263,1],"tags":[1557,3688],"class_list":["post-25048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-in-dunwich","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","category-uncategorized","tag-giant-ants","tag-giant-monster"],"yoast_head":"\n