Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP); Robert Mueller \u2013 (RM); Chuck Schumer \u2013 (CS), Melania Trump \u2013 (MT)<\/p>\n
Scene 1 \u2013 White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike. Mike, Mike!\u00a0 Pence, where the hell are you?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They\u2019re through the roof.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Exactly. Don\u2019t you see what this means?\u00a0 They loved the porn star thing.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to do something to capitalize on this.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Sir, didn\u2019t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Relax, Holy Roller, I\u2019m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you see?\u00a0 This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun.\u00a0 They\u2019re living vicariously through me.\u00a0 Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can\u2019t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better.\u00a0 So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 And you don\u2019t see how this can go wrong?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Exactly.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Very well, I\u2019ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 That\u2019s the spirit little guy. Well, I\u2019m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 God speed Mr. President, God speed.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 2 \u2013 Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; \u201cTrump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,\u201d \u201cTrump teepees Jerry Brown\u2019s Earth Day Observance,\u201d Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,\u201d \u201cTrump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 3 \u2013 Inside Chuck Schumer\u2019s Senate Minority Leader\u2019s Office \u2013 Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
CS \u2013 I tell you Mueller you\u2019ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren\u2019t already completely incoherent.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason.\u00a0\u00a0 Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won\u2019t do it because they\u2019re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.<\/p>\n
CS \u2013 Well, I simply can\u2019t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it\u2019s too much.<\/p>\n
RM \u2013 Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I\u2019ll do what I can.<\/p>\n
CS \u2013 (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 4 \u2013 White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff.\u00a0 Look \u00a0(holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Oh, Mr. President, now really!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 But where will this all end, sir?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Who cares? I\u2019m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl\u2019s locker room.\u00a0 And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau\u2019s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.<\/p>\n
(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Trump here, go!<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 No Schmoopey, I don\u2019t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault.\u00a0 I mean why have you been mean to the other children?\u00a0 Crying Chuck\u2019s Mom was over and she was very sad.\u00a0 She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop.\u00a0 And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Schmoopey, you don\u2019t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive.\u00a0 It\u2019s kill or be killed.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Well if you\u2019re not going to play nice with the other kids then you\u2019re not getting a story tonight.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don\u2019t think Cryin\u2019 Chuck does bad stuff?\u00a0 And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill?\u00a0 Why don\u2019t they get in trouble?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Because they\u2019re not my Schmoopey and they don\u2019t get the best stories in the world.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Fine I\u2019ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again.\u00a0 And the democrats will win the mid-terms.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 No they won\u2019t. You are the best President Schmoopey.\u00a0 You know you will win anyway.\u00a0 Just play nice.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Okay fine. Now that you\u2019ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 That\u2019s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board.\u00a0 How about we just abolish the IRS?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP); Robert Mueller \u2013 (RM); Chuck Schumer \u2013 (CS), Melania Trump \u2013 (MT) Scene 1<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,818,6],"tags":[656,652,372,247,16,391,373],"class_list":["post-2508","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-ocf","category-trump","tag-chuck-schumer","tag-melania-trump","tag-mike-pence","tag-mueller","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor","tag-trump-vs"],"yoast_head":"\n