Words utterly fail me.\u00a0 I understand that about $100 million was spent on this movie.\u00a0 That seems inconceivable.\u00a0 I also read that it actually made a small profit.\u00a0 That also seems impossible.\u00a0 And finally, that I didn\u2019t stop watching this \u201cfilm\u201d at any one of a hundred places in the 105 minutes of running time is a source of great personal shame for me.<\/p>\n
Who thought this thing up?\u00a0 Who green-lit the project?\u00a0 Who are these nincompoops?<\/p>\n
The premise is that when Abraham Lincoln was a boy his father angered a bounty hunter who went after runaway slaves.\u00a0 And since the bounty hunter was a vampire, he killed Abraham\u2019s mother.\u00a0 He vows revenge and when he grows up, he meets up with a vampire hunter and trains to become one.\u00a0 It turns out that the hunter is also a vampire himself but you can\u2019t have everything.<\/p>\n
So armed with his silver-dipped ax, Old Abe rail-splits his way through the vampire kingdom and we discover that the South is not only filled with slavers, it\u2019s chock full of vampires too.\u00a0 You know I always suspected that.\u00a0 Eventually Honest Abe puts away the ax and picks up the law books and becomes a politician and the rest is history.\u00a0 That is until the vampires invade his White House and kill his young son.\u00a0 And then they use undead troops to try to win the war for the South by overwhelming the Union Army at Gettysburg.\u00a0 So Abe decides to seize all the silver tea sets in Washington DC to provide vampire killing weaponry for the troops.\u00a0 There\u2019s an overly long fight on a train headed over a bridge that is on fire supposedly bringing weapons to Gettysburg.\u00a0 It turns out to be a meaningless plot twist but it goes on forever.<\/p>\n
But with silver clad bayonets, bullets and cannonballs the tide is turned just in time for Lincoln to read his Gettysburg Address.\u00a0 Mary Todd Lincoln gets to shoot the girl vampire that killed her son.\u00a0 She shoots a toy sword with a silver chain out of a rifle and the chain embeds itself into the vampire\u2019s head.\u00a0 And this symbolizes something or other.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s more or less it.\u00a0 Amazingly, this is even stupider than it sounds.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t suppose most people would watch a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter but just in case some innocent, trusting individual might stumble onto this turkey I felt compelled to put out this warning.\u00a0 If you watch this movie, you will lose brain cells.\u00a0 I myself lost at least three IQ points.<\/p>\n
So to sum up, movies of the stupid, for the stupid and by the stupid have not perished from the Earth.<\/p>\n