Scene 1 \u2013 White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.<\/strong><\/p>\nPT \u2013 Mike.\u00a0 Mike.\u00a0 Pence!!!\u00a0 Where the hell are you Pence?<\/p>\n
(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Patty, where the hell is Mike?<\/p>\n
(The intercom replies)<\/p>\n
RP \u2013 Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning.\u00a0 He said, and I quote, \u201ctell that lunatic I\u2019m done,\u201d unquote.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 What lunatic does he mean?<\/p>\n
RP \u2013 I couldn\u2019t say Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.<\/p>\n
RP \u2013 Yes Mr. President.<\/p>\n
(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mad Dog, what took you?<\/p>\n
JM \u2013 I was caught in cross town traffic.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Excuses.\u00a0 Pence has cracked.\u00a0 What can we do?<\/p>\n
JM \u2013 Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here.\u00a0 You\u2019re the straight man.<\/p>\n
JM \u2013 Well then, let\u2019s just say I don\u2019t handle psy-ops.\u00a0 But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And they say I\u2019m the prick.<\/p>\n
JM \u2013 All due respect Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.<\/p>\n
(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)<\/p>\n
JS \u2013 Mr. President, how can I help you?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Jeff, we\u2019ve got a problem.\u00a0 Mike seems to have reached his limit.<\/p>\n
JS \u2013 Mr. President, we\u2019re all under enormous strain.\u00a0 Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yeah but it\u2019s different for Mike.\u00a0 I\u2019ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won\u2019t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you.\u00a0 Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar.\u00a0 Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.<\/p>\n
JS \u2013 Good points.\u00a0 Alright, what do we do?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I don\u2019t know, I think I\u2019ll try to talk him down off the ledge.\u00a0 But I may need some shock and awe.\u00a0 See if you can come up with a plan.<\/p>\n
JS \u2013 I\u2019ll get right on it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 2 \u2013 Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion.\u00a0 President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door.\u00a0 President Trump pushes the intercom button.<\/strong><\/p>\nPT \u2013 Hey Mike.\u00a0 It\u2019s me.\u00a0 Let me in and we\u2019ll talk.<\/p>\n
Mike Pence\u2019s voice answers loudly through the intercom.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Go away.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got nothing to say.\u00a0 I\u2019m going on leave.\u00a0 Leave any messages with my secretary.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Oh come on Mike, this is important.\u00a0 Where\u2019s your sense of decorum?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike, are you okay?<\/p>\n
(There\u2019s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door.\u00a0 He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Look you maniac, don\u2019t you understand I\u2019ve had all I can take.\u00a0 Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees.\u00a0 Not a single day goes by that you don\u2019t fire someone or threaten to fire someone.\u00a0 You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration.\u00a0 And then there\u2019s the Mueller thing.\u00a0 Which is it?\u00a0 Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail?\u00a0 I have had it.\u00a0 I\u2019m starting to become psychotic myself.\u00a0 So just leave me alone.\u00a0 I\u2019m taking a vacation and when I get back I\u2019m going to resign.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Hey you two guys go over by the car, I\u2019ve got something to say to the vice President that you can\u2019t hear.<\/p>\n
(Secret Service agents move away.)<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike, everything you say is true.\u00a0 Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening.\u00a0 Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI.\u00a0 Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider.\u00a0 But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House.\u00a0 And other than you, there\u2019s probably no one in Washington who doesn\u2019t have his skeletons.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well, actually that\u2019s true Mr. President, but\u2026<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn\u2019t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013Well yes, I guess that\u2019s true, but\u2026<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well sure, but\u2026<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Yeah, but\u2026<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 And as far as firing people, wouldn\u2019t you admit, considering what we\u2019re doing right now, that working for me can\u2019t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Huhh.\u00a0 Hmm.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a point.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Look Mike.\u00a0 I\u2019m not pretending that I\u2019m normal.\u00a0 I am a maniac as you said.\u00a0 But when you have to kill cancer you don\u2019t use chamomile tea and sugar.\u00a0 You use radiation and deadly poison.\u00a0 Think of me as chemotherapy.\u00a0 And if I fail the patient dies.\u00a0 The country dies.\u00a0 So cut me some slack will you?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 No were right.\u00a0 This is no country for old men.\u00a0 But there are some perks too.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 What do you mean?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up.\u00a0 He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau.\u00a0 That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Very rational and measured it sounds to me.\u00a0 Good work Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yeah, and he\u2019s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I\u2019m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well it\u2019s a start.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis \u2013 (JM); \u00a0Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP); \u00a0Attorney General Jeff Sessions \u2013 (JS);\u00a0 Receptionist<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[168,959,534,958,372,16,391],"class_list":["post-2606","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-humor","tag-james-mattis","tag-jeff-sessions","tag-mad-dog-mattis","tag-mike-pence","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor"],"yoast_head":"\n
Trump vs The Pensive Pence - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Trump vs The Pensive Pence - Orion's Cold Fire\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis \u2013 (JM); \u00a0Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP); \u00a0Attorney General Jeff Sessions \u2013 (JS);\u00a0 Receptionist\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Orion's Cold Fire\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-04-14T16:31:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"photog\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@orionscoldfire\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@orionscoldfire\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"photog\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"photog\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/#\/schema\/person\/d11e80f83f3825ce9fe38a5303eb64d3\"},\"headline\":\"Trump vs The Pensive Pence\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-04-14T16:31:35+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-04-14T16:31:35+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\"},\"wordCount\":1136,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"Humor\",\"James Mattis\",\"Jeff Sessions\",\"Mad Dog Mattis\",\"Mike Pence\",\"Trump\",\"Trump humor\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Current Events\",\"Humor\",\"Trump\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/14\/trump-vs-the-pensive-pence\/\",\"name\":\"Trump vs The Pensive Pence - 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