{"id":26232,"date":"2023-11-07T05:00:20","date_gmt":"2023-11-07T10:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=26232"},"modified":"2023-11-06T22:34:18","modified_gmt":"2023-11-07T03:34:18","slug":"cthulhus-letter-to-the-editor-goes-viral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/11\/07\/cthulhus-letter-to-the-editor-goes-viral\/","title":{"rendered":"Cthulhu\u2019s Letter to the Editor Goes Viral"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Cthulhu<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Dunwich\u2019s own First Selectman Cthulhu found himself at the center of a controversy when he was interviewed as part of the NY Times Biden\/Trump presidential election poll.\u00a0 At the conclusion of the interview the pollster asked the First Selectman how he would rate Joe Biden\u2019s presidency on a scale of one to ten.\u00a0 Instead of providing a number he stated that because of the absurd increase in the price of fast food he wanted to grill Biden over a slow fire and then devour him bit by bit as painfully as possible.<\/p>\n

The pollster dutifully reported this threat to the Secret Service who alerted the FBI.\u00a0 Once a warrant was fabricated, a breaching tank and a full retinue of agents was dispatched to perform a no-knock arrest.\u00a0 Unfortunately for them breaching tank full of agents is just like stuffed lobster to Cthulhu.\u00a0 After roasting the tank over his sacrificial fire for a few hours he popped the top and speared the contents and dipped them in cocktail sauce before crunching them down.\u00a0 It was so good that he couldn\u2019t resist a second course so he went on a road trip.\u00a0 He strapped a big net about the size of a hot air balloon onto his back and headed for FBI headquarters.\u00a0 Ripping the roof off the J. Edgar Hoover building he scooped up most of the upper echelons of the Bureau and began the trek home with his dinner crying and screaming for help.\u00a0 Along the way crowds of Americans lined Cthulhu\u2019s path cheering, pointing and mocking at the netted Stasi agents howling in fear.<\/p>\n

Awakened from his nap by Dr. Jill, Biden considered launching a missile attack on the squid-headed dragon but what with the Ukraine debacle he thought better of it and instead called for a truce.\u00a0 And during a gaffe-filled and incoherent address to the American public Biden seemed to imply that eating the FBI agents would be its own punishment for Cthulhu.\u00a0 But he did thank Director Wray for his service and wished him luck during his upcoming and horribly painful enmunchening.\u00a0 He finished off by relating the time he was stuck in the Cyclops\u2019 cave and had to use wine to intoxicate the giant before blinding him and escaping.\u00a0 No joke.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately for the First Selectman eating all those FBI agents together was too much for his system and he developed a debilitating case of gout.\u00a0 His left big toe swelled up to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle and he\u2019s been limping around town like an old Beefeater.\u00a0 But he\u2019s learned his lesson and says he\u2019s swearing off cocktail sauce.\u00a0 From now on all of his FBI agents will be boiled, not roasted.<\/p>\n

When the NYT pollster was reached for comment on the whole kerfuffle he only said, \u201cLook we understand this is a heated election race but if we have to resort to devouring FBI agents every time, they respond to threats against a sitting president then the terrorists win.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t exactly know what he meant by that but the New York Times used to be a newspaper so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent his contact information to Cthulhu.\u00a0 After all pan-fried pollster is considered the other, other white meat.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dunwich\u2019s own First Selectman Cthulhu found himself at the center of a controversy when he was interviewed as part of the NY Times Biden\/Trump presidential<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,3366,818,1263],"tags":[362,3341],"class_list":["post-26232","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-life-in-dunwich","category-ocf","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","tag-cthulhu","tag-dunwich"],"yoast_head":"\nCthulhu\u2019s Letter to the Editor Goes Viral - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/11\/07\/cthulhus-letter-to-the-editor-goes-viral\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Cthulhu\u2019s Letter to the Editor Goes Viral - 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