{"id":26300,"date":"2023-11-15T05:00:06","date_gmt":"2023-11-15T10:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=26300"},"modified":"2023-12-04T20:09:26","modified_gmt":"2023-12-05T01:09:26","slug":"late-night-photog","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2023\/11\/15\/late-night-photog\/","title":{"rendered":"Late Night photog"},"content":{"rendered":"

photog<\/strong> \u2013 Welcome back to the show.\u00a0 During the commercial break Senator Spekanaty had to leave to catch his flight back to DC.\u00a0 But our next guest will be sure to please.\u00a0 Of course, after his tour de force performance at the fourth Republican 2024 presidential primary debate he needs no introduction.\u00a0 Give a big welcome to Great Old One, Cthulhu.<\/p>\n

Off to the side of photog\u2019s desk a large video screen lights up and shows the six-hundred-foot-tall squid-headed dragon seated on his throne inside his lair.\u00a0 At his side is a hundred-foot-high glass bowl containing about forty live humans cowering at the bottom.\u00a0 While speaking to the late night tv show host the eldritch god would occasionally reach into the bowl and pop one of the people in his mouth, much as one of us would eat a peanut from a bowl while speaking on the phone.<\/em><\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Thank you photog.\u00a0 You\u2019re much too kind. \u00a0I merely provided a much-needed clarification on how to ensure civility and avoid confusion during these political debates.\u00a0 If a pathological liar like Christie is allowed to continuously muddy the waters with misinformation about the possibility of reforming the federal government, why, people are liable to lose faith in the basic goodness of public servants.\u00a0 In good faith I couldn\u2019t allow that to continue.\u00a0 Also, I was feeling a might peckish and he looked juicy and delicious.<\/p>\n

photog \u2013 <\/strong>But weren\u2019t you afraid that devouring the former governor of New Jersey would strike the wrong note when you were trying to represent Donald Trump to the audience of that debate?<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Why photog I don\u2019t see how that could be.\u00a0 For weeks everyone has been complaining about how candidates like Christie and Pence were wasting space on the stage that the front-runners should be using to explain their platforms to the Republican voters.\u00a0 Pence had the decency to bow out.\u00a0 Since Christie refused, I merely gave him an assist.<\/p>\n

photog \u2013 <\/strong>So you feel no remorse?<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Remorse?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Maybe a slight gall bladder attack.\u00a0 Chris really packs a punch when it comes to the triglycerides.\u00a0 Woof!\u00a0 But look, we\u2019ve got to get our message out.\u00a0 Lots of people have lost faith after the events of 2020.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got to show we\u2019re serious about reforming the federal government and clearly working within the bureaucracy\u2019s rulebook is only going to result in the same failures we saw before.\u00a0 Clearly bold and innovative methods are necessary.<\/p>\n

photog \u2013 <\/strong>And eating up thousands of employees of the administrative state is that method?<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Hey look.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been restructuring dysfunctional organizations for a couple of billion years now both within this space-time continuum and without.\u00a0 And I\u2019ve never seen anything that gets the job done faster and better than chowing down on the dead wood that are standing in the way of progress.\u00a0 And in fact, think of how this method also works to decrease the deficit and debt situation.\u00a0 Every civil servant I eat is one less parasite drawing a salary and eventually a pension from the US Treasury.\u00a0 It\u2019s clearly a win-win.<\/p>\n

photog \u2013 <\/strong>But couldn\u2019t you just fire them?<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 How cute!\u00a0 You think that Washington works that way.\u00a0 Trust me, you\u2019ll be dead and buried before any FBI, IRS or State Department hack gets fired by the next Republican administration.\u00a0 No, it\u2019s eat them or nothing.\u00a0 There\u2019s no third way.<\/p>\n

photog<\/strong> \u2013 Well, I guess you know what\u2019s best.\u00a0 But can you tell the audience of any other innovations that the Trump administration is planning to unveil before the election?<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Certainly photog.\u00a0 After paring down the bureaucracy by 80 or 90%, I intend to make it my priority to reform the tech industries.\u00a0 To that end I will be spending several weeks visiting the headquarters of Alphabet, Meta, Microsoft and various other social media companies.\u00a0 I think I should meet face to face with Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and their peers.\u00a0 I have a few \u201csuggestions\u201d that I want to bat around with them.\u00a0 I have this theory that if I show up looking in the 50th<\/sup> story window of their C-Suite offices that good things are bound to happen.\u00a0 Now granted, I\u2019m fairly sure that these fellows will end up lodged in my alimentary canal.\u00a0 But we all need a dream.\u00a0 And my dream is that one day these people will take a hint and do what I want them to do and avoid being eaten.\u00a0 Sure, it won\u2019t happen tomorrow or even ten years from tomorrow but eventually if I eat enough of these people Darwinian selection will lead to a better class of tech giants.\u00a0 And that is my dream.<\/p>\n

photog<\/strong> \u2013 Well, all I can say is may your dream come true.<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong> \u2013 Sure, sure.\u00a0 But hopefully not anytime soon.\u00a0 With the skyrocketing price of meat in Biden\u2019s America I have to eat as many dead-enders as I possibly can.\u00a0 A Great Old One\u2019s gotta eat.<\/p>\n

Anyway, photog, I\u2019ve got to cut this short.\u00a0 I\u2019m due in Brooklyn for a rally by the Pro-Hamas coalition of ethical hipsters.\u00a0 I figure between the craft beers and the hummus dip I can eat a swath through them and really clean up most of Park Slope.\u00a0 I hate hipsters.\u00a0 I love eating them but I detest their annoying illogic.<\/p>\n

photog<\/strong> \u2013 Well thanks Cthulhu for your time.\u00a0 And come back any time.<\/p>\n

The image of the Great Old One folded his front claws together in a sign of humble farewell and the screen went dark.<\/em><\/p>\n

photog<\/strong> \u2013 I guess that\u2019s all the time we have left.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to thank our sponsor Soylent Green for their patronage and add my personal tribute to their delicious line of energy products.\u00a0 Remember, \u201cWhen you want to feel keen, remember to eat green!\u201d\u00a0 Good night, everybody.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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