Scene: Trump for President campaign Headquarters, noticeably quiet.<\/p>\n
Donald Trump (DT) \u2013 Hey where is everybody? Where are all the reporters waiting for my abuse?
\nObsequious Flunky (OF) \u2013 Good morning sir. It\u2019s so good to see you \u2026 here.
\nDT \u2013 Skip the groveling. Where the hell is everyone? I haven\u2019t insulted anyone in almost a day. What the hell is going on here? The New York Times says I\u2019m slipping in the polls and Hillary hasn\u2019t coughed up a fur ball in over a week.
\nOF \u2013 Don\u2019t worry sir. We\u2019ve lined up an interview for you with Brian Williams.
\nDT \u2013 Williams? Are you nuts. He\u2019s a total loser. They won\u2019t even let him cover an Easter Egg Roll. He\u2019s poison. Cancel that right now.
\nOF \u2013 But Mr. Trump there\u2019s nothing else scheduled today. You\u2019ll have to go twenty four hours without a reporter beating. That would be death for your election hopes.
\nDT \u2013 You lousy flunky! I\u2019ll have your head for this. You\u2019re fired!<\/p>\n
Scene: Trump\u2019s bedroom. Donald is on the phone with his wife Melania.
\nDT \u2013 Shmoopie, I\u2019m worried. I fired my obsequious flunky and now I\u2019ll have to go all the way until Monday without a headline. This could cost me the election.
\nMT \u2013 Oh no shmoopie, does this mean I\u2019ll be poor?
\nDT \u2013 No, of course not. But it could mean you won\u2019t get to live in the White House and you\u2019ld have to stay here in Trump Tower.
\nMT \u2013 (delay before anwering) Yeahhhhh, that would be really bad. Anyway shmoopie, don\u2019t worry. You are very smart and they are very ugly and smelly. You will win.
\nDT \u2013 Well I hope you\u2019re right. Good night shmoopie.
\nMT \u2013 Good night shmoopie.
\n(They hang up.)
\nDT \u2013 (talking to himself as he gets into bed) I feel so alone. Who can I go to for advice. Nobody is as great as I am. Who can understand my unique problems? (he falls asleep).
\nScene: Same bedroom later. The ghost of George Steinbrenner appear at the foot of Trump\u2019s bed.
\nGhost of George Steinbrenner (GoGS) \u2013 Donald, Donald, wake up.
\nDT \u2013 (waking up and pulling a 1910 from under his bed and pointing it at the apparition) Who the hell are you and who let you in?
\nGoGS \u2013 Donald it\u2019s me George Steinbrenner.
\nDT \u2013 That\u2019s impossible. Steinbrenner is dead.
\nGoGS \u2013 Yes and I\u2019m his ghost.
\nDT \u2013 Holy crap. You do look like him! Well what do you want?
\nGoGS \u2013 I\u2019ve come to help you with your problem.
\nDT \u2013 There is no problem. My hands are not only everything they should be but they\u2019re also everything they could be.
\nGoGS \u2013 No you idiot I\u2019m talking about your campaign problem.
\nDT \u2013 Oh that. Can you really help me?
\nGoGS \u2013 Yes. I know exactly what you need.
\nDT \u2013 Well then what should I do?
\nGoGS \u2013 Nothing.
\nDT \u2013 Well that\u2019s the stupidest thing I\u2019ve ever heard. If I do nothing Hillary wins.
\nGoGS \u2013 Hear me out. What was my expertise?
\nDT \u2013 Building ships?
\nGoGS \u2013 Yeah but what was I known for?
\nDT \u2013 Hiring and firing Billy Martin?
\nGoGS \u2013 Exactly. Baseball. I knew exactly how to navigate a baseball season. And did you know that a presidential campaign and a baseball season are almost identical?
\nDT \u2013 I stand corrected. THAT is the stupidest thing I\u2019ve ever heard.
\nGoGS \u2013 Oh yeah smart guy? Think about it for a minute. Before the primaries is basically spring training. The primaries are the first half of the season. The convention is the All-Star Game. And the rest of the season leads up to the World Series which ends about the beginning of November.
\nDT \u2013 Okay. So let\u2019s pretend that that makes sense. How does that help me?
\nGoGS \u2013 Well think about it. It\u2019s almost time for the All-Star Game. What happens right before the All-Star Game?
\nDT \u2013 I don\u2019t know. What.
\nGoGS \u2013 Exactly. Nothing. Nobody pays any attention for the last couple of weeks before the All-Star Game. Everybody needs a break from the non-stop schedule. And the All-Star Game (just like the convention) is a big symbolic stop in the calendar to let us catch our breath and enjoy the Fourth of July before the second half of the season begins.
\nDT \u2013 Okay that almost makes sense. So you\u2019re saying I should go into hiding until the Convention.
\nGoGS \u2013 Hell no! Just make sure you don\u2019t commit any unforced errors before then. Relax and map out your strategy for the playoffs and get ready for the World Series.
\nDT \u2013 You know, that\u2019s pretty good. Thanks. I do feel better.
\nGoGS \u2013 Good. Now go back to sleep and make up some new names for Bill and Hillary.
\nDT \u2013 Thank you Ghost of George Steinbrenner. Is there anything I can do for you once I become President?
\nGoGS \u2013 Well a presidential decree disbanding the Boston Red Sox would be appreciated.<\/p>\n
[paypal-donation]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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