Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice.\u00a0 You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe Biden or for that Dog-faced Pony Soldier Donald Trump.\u00a0 And as that clean, articulate black man Barack Obama once said, Donald Trump will never be President of the United States.<\/p>\n
Okay, sure, that was wrong and he did become president but hopefully not again anyway.\u00a0 As my Uncle Bosey once told me, \u201cStay away from cannibals because they\u2019ll eat you and you\u2019ll never be found afterwards.\u201d\u00a0 And that\u2019s damn good advice.\u00a0 Now they\u2019re trying to say he wasn\u2019t eaten by cannibals but who other than cannibals would eat him?\u00a0 Let\u2019s be sensible here.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t eaten by vegans, that\u2019s for damn sure.<\/p>\n
But seriously folks, you can\u2019t trust Donald Trump.\u00a0 He never rides on the Amtrak.\u00a0 He\u2019s always taking first class airline flights.\u00a0 He\u2019s not one of us.\u00a0 That\u2019s because he wants to put y\u2019all back in chains.\u00a0 And if you vote for Donald Trump you ain\u2019t black.\u00a0 No joke!<\/p>\n
When my son Hunter was killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine fighting the Soviets he was dressed sort of like Rambo and with the muscles and the camo, so it was really something.\u00a0 I remember him saying, \u201cI just want my country to love me as much as I love it.\u201d\u00a0 And it was beautiful.\u00a0 And then Xerxes army surrounded us and I threw my spear at him but only cut his face a little and then I was killed by a lot of arrows.\u00a0 But luckily, I got better and here I am.\u00a0 And that\u2019s how we won in Ukraine.\u00a0 Trump has never been killed in war nor have his sons so how can you trust him?<\/p>\n
And if you think about it, Donald Trump is a lot like Corn Pop.\u00a0 They\u2019re both bad dudes who don\u2019t follow the rules and probably don\u2019t even wait an hour after eating before going back in the pool.\u00a0 If I had the time, I\u2019d like to bring both of them behind the shed and teach them a lesson with my bicycle chain and my boxing skills.\u00a0 I\u2019m not bragging I\u2019m just saying that\u2019s what I\u2019d like to do but I can\u2019t because of these new laws about fighting and the whole gay thing.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to be careful not to say the wrong thing, which is tricky.<\/p>\n
But forget all that for a minute, just remember how much better things are now that I fixed the economy.\u00a0 I fixed the COVID and then I eliminated college loan debt and I got rid of gasoline and oil and now we\u2019ve got electric cars and electric heat and everything is all electric and that\u2019s progress.\u00a0 Sure, if you\u2019re still using the gasoline and the oil it\u2019s a little more expensive.\u00a0 And sure, maybe food and rent are up a few pennies but we\u2019re all doing much better now than under Trump.\u00a0 Just look at your 401K accounts they\u2019re rocketing.\u00a0 Why all of my green energy stocks are through the roof.\u00a0 And just last week Nancy Pelosi showed me her stock portfolio and it was worth six hundred million dollars and you can\u2019t hate that!\u00a0 All these people in the Trump commercials saying they can\u2019t make ends meet must be lying.\u00a0 No joke!<\/p>\n
So as my friend Madame Secretary of State Clinton said a while ago, \u201cbasket of deplorables.\u201d\u00a0 These dead-enders clinging to their guns and their God don\u2019t have the votes to keep Scranton Joe Biden from coming back and finishing up his mission in Washington.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to fundamentally transform the whole United States of America into Scranton.\u00a0 And you can bet your bottom dollar that\u2019s what I\u2019ll do.\u00a0 The whole country will be just like the Scranton you see today.\u00a0 Full of Amtrak stations, migrant housing, repurposed police precincts and prisons, welfare offices, needle exchange safe places, transgender bathrooms and Section 8 housing.\u00a0 Welcome to the future.\u00a0 So, make sure you vote for me every chance you get.\u00a0 I really need your help.\u00a0 Help!!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice.\u00a0 You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2945,5,288,6],"tags":[3344,3193],"class_list":["post-28516","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-biden-humor","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-2024-elections","tag-biden-humor"],"yoast_head":"\n